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Obsessing/afraid I'm losing it.....
December 30, 2005
3:57 pm
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veggiemom
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Hi, I haven't been here for awhile but when I was here in the past I got a lot out of what you all had to say, so I am back.

I am beginning to think I need professional help. I have become so obsessed with this person that I can barely function day-to-day. I can't eat,(I have lost 50 lbs!!!) I can't sleep, all I can think of is him...whats he doing, whos he with, why doesnt he love me, how do I make him love me, i cant go on without him....it goes on and on and on. This for a person I have NOT been in a commited relationship with at all. (by his choice)

I thought when it started that we would end up a couple, but that hasn't happened in 8 months, and I am going crazy. Even though I cant have what I want with this guy, I still stick around, thinking he'll change his mind. Every so often he'll do or say something that gives me a sliver of hope that maybe someday.... We were together for 6 years many years ago, so I think, if he loved me then, he can love me again....

Anyway, my point is, I am so obsessed it is really beginning to scare me. I spent a good part of yesterday sitting in the park, just chain-smoking and crying with horrible knots in my stomach. Today is not much better.

I dont know how to break away from this. I cant let go. I cant even think of letting go. How DO you let go when it seems absolutely impossible?

I am afraid I am heading for a nervous breakdown. I have set aside my work, my financial obligations, my personal interests, even (this is so hard to admit) my children to try and be with this man, and now all of those things are being shoved aside because I am in this obsessive/depressed state where I am unable to focus on anything.

How do I dig myself out of this? I really feel like I'm going insane.

December 30, 2005
4:13 pm
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enoch
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I know what you mean!!!!

Letting go is seemingly impossible. My shrink went through all of the things she did/does that drive me nuts.

Then he asked 'what does that tell you about her?'

And I was right... all of the f ing bs that she has pulled about wanting to be just friends is just that... f ing bs.

Focus on how you got through yesterday. Do things that you have to do, mechanically. Do anything that you can do. Go for a walk. just keep moving.

the idea of going to a shrink is a very smart healthy one too.

hang tight. this really sucks for you, but hang in there and you will come together.

December 30, 2005
4:34 pm
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lollipop3
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Veggie,

I know that it may not feel like it right now , but you really do control how you feel.

You have already accomplished the first step which is to become AWARE that there is problem.

The next step is to ACCEPT reality. You must accept that he doesn't want the same things that you want. You must ACCEPT that you cannot control him or his behavior. The only thing you can control is you. You must ACCEPT that this is your problem, not his.

Finally, you must take ACTION. Whatever that action may be. Get help. Find a therapist, go to Coda or Alanon or another support group and get the support of the people there. Educate yourself. Read as much as you can about codependency, and give yourself the tools necessary to recover. Enlist the help of friends and family. Keep yourself busy working on you.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Feelings are not facts. They are not right or wrong...they just are. Feel them and let them go.

I have been where you are. I understand the despair that you are feeling but there is hope. You can recover from this.....and before you know it, it will be a distant memory. BUT...you must make the commitment to yourself that you want to get past this and move in with your life.

Good luck and take care,
Lolli

December 30, 2005
4:38 pm
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sdesigns
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Veggiemom: You're living my story. I know exactly how you feel. I lost 60 pounds during my experience, plus couldn't sleep or function.

I think a therapist would be a good idea. Someone who deals w/ obssessive love and/ or love addiction.

I also recommend a book "Obsessive Love- When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go", by Susan Forward.

Also a trip to the doctor may help to get a prescription for a sleep aid/ anti anxiety and anti depression. That is what helped to start to pull me out of it. I lived on cigarettes and diet sprite and just withered away.

There are some good previous posts on love addiction if you type that into the thread search.

Hope this helps. SD

December 30, 2005
4:43 pm
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lollipop3
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Veggie,

Like SD, I too had to be put on medication. I had anxiety so bad....I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate, etc. I was prescribed Zoloft and I can't even tell you how much it helped me.

I have been off it now for 4 years and I'm feeling better now that I can ever remember. My life is not perfect....I still have issues. But I can honestly say that I am light years away from where I was then.

Take care,
Lolli

December 30, 2005
7:52 pm
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veggiemom
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Thanks to all of you.....it really does help to know that others feel/have felt this way.

I am in al-anon, have been for almost 2 years. I am on anti-depressants. I am trying to read books on co-dependency and those things. Thats what scares me the most is that I have these "tools" that are supposed to help and I can't seem to grasp on to them and use them.

I don't know what it's going to have to take to make me make that final break, but I am afraid it will be something that will make me feel even worse....like he'll find someone he DOES want to be with and I'll be history. Or he really will stop calling.(I've asked him to many times, but he only lasts a few days then starts calling and texting, saying he wants to see me....it's this kinda thing that keeps me hanging on! If I step away, suddenly he's acting interested and attentive!)

Anyway, thanks for your suggestions, and just for giving me a place to vent.

December 30, 2005
10:50 pm
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taj64
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The most obvious here is that if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He does not. It is hard to accept but in acceptance and you are dealing right now with the hard part and that is the emotional pain. The best thing for you is to stay away from this man. No more dreams, no more fantasies. it hurts, yes, but in long run it is better for you. Once you let go of this dream, you will be setting yourself up for something else, something better than what this guy can give you which is nothing. Obsession has really nothing to do with real love. And if you put this love away and concentrate on yourself, you will slowly get over this person, you will learn to live for you and not this dream and not for this guy who cannot commit to you, nor will he ever be able to be there for you. You deserve a man who will be there for you.

December 30, 2005
11:53 pm
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Lass
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Oh Veggiemom, I am so right there with you today!! I will pray especially for you and me on this one. You gotta take that amazing magnifying mind and put it on something else. Doesn't even matter what. Take up wallpapering and learn how. Or stenciling and stencil the hall and bath and kitchen. Just do something to take the mind off its' rutted circular path. You gotta eat, sweets. Read while you do it. I eat at the computer when alone, or with a book I leave at the table with a hammer to hold it open. (Just in case I need it, it's handy!) Take yourself out and get a new look. New outfit, hair, something. I got exercise clothes (very comfy, cozy). Try to tie up loose ends and not take on anything more just yet. Just focus in and lick wounds for awhile. Reach out when you are having a good day. Get some new rituals going. Walk first thing when you wake up, cold or not.

Love to you Veggiemom. Lass

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