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O.K., so now my adult daughter took off the doorknob to my bedroom.......
May 3, 2007
10:31 pm
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bonita1
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Ok. Here is the deal. Last night, my daughter, who lives with me took off and locked her bedroom door. She shares the bedroom with her son, my 7 year old grandson. It was 10:30 p.m. and she still wasn't home and I had no idea if she would be home at all since she likes to sleep over her friends' and boyfriend's apartments.

My grandson needed to go to bed. He needed to get his things from his room. It is his room too. So, my adult son and I were able to unlock the door and I had my son remove the doorknob so that she would not lock out her son again, since this is not the first time she has done this.

Well, I come home from work today and lo and behold she had taken off my doorknob from my bedroom and installed it onto her door....

This has been the cherry on top of the sundae of disrespect. I feel so disrespected by her. I have a laundry list of things that she has done....

1. doesn't pay me rent or help with utilities...

2. gets free babysitting because she takes off without telling me or asking if I will babysit....

3. when she cooks something for herself or my grandson to eat, she never washes the pot or pan that she uses and leaves her dirty dishes either in her room as science experiments or adds it to the pile of dishes in the sink.....

I am at a loss.....

May 3, 2007
10:39 pm
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loverbee
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Ok, here is what I think. I think that your daughter is incredibly selfish and ungrateful and i also think that you have no obligation to put a roof over her head or feed her or anything. I think you should continue to support her son because it sounds like there is no one else to do it but she should be let out. I don't know if that is the right thing to do or if I am overly emotional but maybe its good advice.

May 4, 2007
12:50 am
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smarterone
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0H BOY DO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU.`I have a 31 yr old son, still living with me, he has a 12 yr old daughter but never sees her and we moved to where she lives 4 hrs from where i was to reunite and now because he is such an inconsiderate, selfish person, he doesnt see her and then i dont. But about the cherries on the cake, as we speak, he is in his bedroom, which is disgusting, and there is a girl in there, who he brought home, then he left, and left her here without telling us (me and b/f) that she was coming, him going. He eats everything we buy and right now we areup to our ears in debts from him, and leaves dishes and nothing in frig for us. I know what you are feeling, good luck. They think that we have to support them forever and then again, i allowed it so long i know he doesnt have friends to go live with or any other family,....i can see why.

May 4, 2007
1:21 am
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Zinnie
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I am one of eleven children, and I will tell you what my parents told me when we turned 18 and left the house...

"Good luck in life and the door to this house does NOT revolve. Your keys please."

Now before everyone jumps on board about how horrible my folks were for telling us that - think about this - there are eleven children. When you have that many children/people living in one house, the home must run on rules or chaos will ensure.

Each and every one of us completed college on a full scholorship. None of us have/had a drug or alcohol problem and there were never any calls from the police station to come and get any of us. Of course, we all knew that if the cops ever called my folks? We would be better off taking our chances in jail.

These children first of should be treating both of you with the utmost respect for the sheer fact that you are their Mothers. Secondly, although you do not want to see your child living on the street, and certainly not your grand-children living on the streets - when is enough - just that? Enough?

If you were kind enough to take your adult children in, set up definitive rules and time lines for them to follow. What is acceptable and what is not. How much rent they are expected to pay? How much are they going to put in for groceries each week? And, what is their exact savings plan to which the culmination is "when are you going to be able to move out"

I now have my own adult children. I love them very much. They were raised as I was, simply because I knew no different. If they were truly in a bad way and needed help, I would be there for them. But? If they treated me and showed me the blatant disrespect for me such as you are describing? They would be coming to my home in which they would find their front and back door keys no longer worked.

Z.

May 4, 2007
9:27 am
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smarterone
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You are so right. I created my monster and am weak in this department. I wish i had your strength and the upbringing. My parents gave me a horrible childhood. My father beat up my mother and i until he died, at the young age of 43. Sorry to say, this was the best day of my life. Unfortunately i married right away cuz it was already planned to get me out of that nut house. My mom at 80 is still a wreck and now does not know how to treat me or my sis. I only know how to take care of everyone but me. Docs say i try to please since i was physically abused. Go figure

May 4, 2007
10:28 am
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Zinnie
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HI Smarter,

So may I suggest that today you make the literally the first day of the rest of your life.

What kinds of debts are you dealing with due to him living there? Is he working? If he is, figure out two things. First a repayment plan to him to repay some of these debts you have due to him, and secondly a fair amount of rent (I mean, what would you charge a boarder?)

Then set down definitive rules that you expect him to follow. If he does not these rules, then evict him. I can guarantee he will cry and pitch a wooley worm fit BUT, if he has no other place to go he will follow the rules. If he does, he will not - BUT, you then stand a chance of getting him out of your house.

I'll check in on you!

Good luck.

Z.

May 4, 2007
11:18 am
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nappy
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Um, who's the adult or parent should I say here in these household (Bonita , Smart).
I was reading this and I had to read it again.
Um, you both are not talking about little childrens. You are talking about grown and I mean grown adults people but it is you that is treating these adult children like they were kids and you wondering why you are going through this.
Pleasssssssse.

Bonita, your daughter would be out on her butt so fast, she wouldn't know what had hit her. She was grown when she had HER kid. You can't control that situation, you can't make it better for her. Especially for her because she is a woman. And she will know better whether she figure it out sooner or later but SHE HAS A CHILD her self and you is going to have to let her find out her self. I know you want good for your grandchild but sometimes this is where you have to go down in order to go up in life. Let it go so that it can come to you like it suppose to.

Smart, Oh you really have your hands full because this is a male. They tend to want to stay longer because mama is really treating them like a baby. My boys were out around the ages of 21 or 22. They had to get out there so that they can see what it is like out there in this world especially being a man.
You is allowing your son to bring and lay up with womens in your house. Please the only person that will be sinning in the house would be me, not him.

You both are making to many excuses to why your childrens are being who they are. Read what you wrote and read it over and over again.

My question is how are you going to have a life, when you are so much still taking care of an adult child.
I don't understand but I would not still have my grown childrens living with me when I have a boyfriend and we all living in there like the walton.
Johnboy would be calling me from a phone to wish me a good night, not calling my name from the other room.
Nappy!

May 4, 2007
11:33 am
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gracenotes
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Its difficult for me not to feel emotional about this, but, here goes, and I talked with a good friend about this issue ongoing for years until she forced the issue, and her son finally shaped up and moved out....

What good does it do your daughter to have you be a part of her selfishness and childishness and allow it to continue? An adult needs to pay rent, a mother needs to make plans for caring for her child, someone who lives in someone else's home needs to clean up after herself. Your daughter is never going to grow up and be an adult as long as she gets this free ride from you. She is selfish and acting like a child, and clueless to the help that you have graciously extended to her and has made a joke of your good intentions to help her out.

Please, do your daughter a favor and kick her out. This isn't easy, but it will be the best decision for both you and her.

This doorknob action of her's really pushes my buttons. This would never be tolerated in any apartment or shared living situation, why should you tolerate it? You could even get a handyman to come in and fill in the empty door space so there is no space for a lock on the door. With her neglectful behavior towards her son, you absolutely did the right thing.

May 4, 2007
11:49 am
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thedogsmom
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(((bonita1))) and (((Smarterone)))

reading this has really helped ME..today to know I am doing the right thing. I feel for you and understand your need and desire to want to help your children. My turmoil does NOT compare to yours as I am NOT dealing MY OWN CHILD so I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL> MY situation is with my husband-- a a grown man whom I still love dearly but has made many poor and selfish choices and now is actively addicted.

Still I had to do the most difficult thing I have ever had to do -- and that was to completely cut him off financially and kick him out---knowing that he does not make enough money to support himself. just this morning he came around crying..asking for 10 bucks and I had to turn him away. I am a sobbing wreck. I am SO worried about him and his welfare! That he will become suicidal...or overdose....and die... It is unbearable for me to think of him sleeping in his broken down car in the cold..... but I tried so long to help him...and in the process only became financially emotionally and physically DRAINED. And I cannot and will not let an ADULT bring me down too!

Please seek counseling help and try to summon the strength to help yourself! Smarterone YOU NEED HELP! You are becoming so physically ILL! You are sacrificing your life for your son-- and it is NOT helping either one of you...is it??? is he getting better??? more responsible????
appreciative????

you too Bonita... same questions go to you about your daughter. Are you to getting help for your codependency??
I do understand a bit of what you are going through although I stated --your pain and angst has to be so much worse since you MUST turn your KIDS away and say...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
good luck to you both.. I will pray to my buddah for all of us!
TDM

May 5, 2007
12:38 am
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smarterone
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zinnie
This man has debts: when he was 16, he had a small car accident. Not cited. taken care of by ins. Five years later, he was living with his dad and my ex husband, kept refusing his mail. Well next thing i know, there is a judgement on him for 13,000 dollars in physical damages to the other party. He was 16. Since we didnt accept mail, he missed a court date and this lawyer now runs his rights to license and has to be paid monthly, as soon as he is late, license is suspended. Sucks, then he has a payment for a buy here pay here car, stupid idea on my part, in my name, traded in two dead vehcles and the price jacked up when we came to pick it up. He hasnt made a single payment, it will be repoed. my credit gone so i dont care. He has a court date may 14, where he will have court charges, another driver susp, if not paid. I used to cover this when i saw he wastn making it, but no more. Does he care, i dont see it. W have no money this month, due to certain circumstances, and i went to a family emerg. food bank, did that kid care no, he ate the food. I despise him now.
I more than agree with all of you. I am an idiot. I rather pay for him then listen to him. No more. I know after our court dates, its over, i have to speak to landlord if i can break my lease and not lose money. I always do. Then im running.

May 5, 2007
12:39 am
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smarterone
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zinnie
This man has debts: when he was 16, he had a small car accident. Not cited. taken care of by ins. Five years later, he was living with his dad and my ex husband, kept refusing his mail. Well next thing i know, there is a judgement on him for 13,000 dollars in physical damages to the other party. He was 16. Since we didnt accept mail, he missed a court date and this lawyer now runs his rights to license and has to be paid monthly, as soon as he is late, license is suspended. Sucks, then he has a payment for a buy here pay here car, stupid idea on my part, in my name, traded in two dead vehcles and the price jacked up when we came to pick it up. He hasnt made a single payment, it will be repoed. my credit gone so i dont care. He has a court date may 14, where he will have court charges, another driver susp, if not paid. I used to cover this when i saw he wastn making it, but no more. Does he care, i dont see it. W have no money this month, due to certain circumstances, and i went to a family emerg. food bank, did that kid care no, he ate the food. I despise him now.
I more than agree with all of you. I am an idiot. I rather pay for him then listen to him. No more. I know after our court dates, its over, i have to speak to landlord if i can break my lease and not lose money. I always do. Then im running.

May 5, 2007
1:19 am
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Zinnie
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OK, help me out here. He had a car accident when he was 16, and the insurance company paid for the damages? Is that correct?

Then, a few years down the line, the other party from the insurance company sued him? He did not received or refused the court summons, missed the date and is now having to pay for the damages? Again, is this correct or am I misunderstanding of the situation?

If the other party was suing for physical damages, why not take it back to tne insurance company to let them deal with it?

If your credit is gone, or you know what even if it is not completely ruined, but, the car is in your name? Contact the lender and tell them that you want to have it voluntarily repo'd. Yes, it will show up as a repossesion on your credit BUT, it will show up as voluntary, and when you go to purchase another vehicle, the lender will take that into consideration. If the dealership is small, sometimes if you talk to them and again, voluntarily return it - thus saving them the repo fee's, they will not report it to the credit bureau on YOUR report as being a repo. I suggested this to a friend of mine, and she talked to the dealer, and they were nice enough to do this for her.

Now, I do have a question - why are both of you going to court? And, once that is said and done, why are you wanting to break the lease and run?

Z.

May 5, 2007
2:00 am
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AQueen
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If nothing changes then nothing will change. I'm a recovering addict and a recovering DV survivor and codepedent. I live with my Mother and I pay rent and buy my own food. I wouldn't think of sponging off of her. I have a 5 month old son that I'm raising alone with the help of my Mom. I don't want to live alone right now and my Mom likes having me as a roommate. I'm a roommate not a dependent aka burden. We just moved into a new place after living in utter chaos for about a year. My brother who is 22 and my ex who is 31 both lived with us. I moved in while I was pregnant and they soon followed. They didn't pay rent, they used drugs, the ate up all the food, they didn't clean, they smoked in the house againist our wishes, they stole from us, they lied to us, they treated us exactly how we let them treat us and that was like crap! We finally decided enough was enough and we couldn't live like that anymore. My poor Mom was growing so haggard and old before my eyes from the stress. She hated being at home. I was so stressed out, I fought all the time with my brother and my ex. We decided that we wouldn't allow this to go on for another day and we kicked them out. Living on the streets, oh well that's not our problem! A good thing happened though, my brother decided to do something about his situation and went to JobCorp. He decided the street wasn't too nice and that he could live at JobCorp for free and get an education. He's becoming a merchant marine. He had to wait about 6 months to get accepted but he did it. He is doing so well. I was suprised at first but then I realized he live without my Mom all this time, she just didn't give him the chance to do so until she finally gave him the boot. My ex is a addict so he's living on the streets using drugs and that's his choice. I used to feel bad about him having nowhere to sleep, no food, etc. He made his choice by not using the time at my Mom's house to get on his feet. He chose not to use that time wisely. I guess he thought we would support him forever. It's all about choices. I chose to take control of my life and quit letting people walk all over me. My Mom chose to not allow these people to live with her. We even moved into a n apartment so we couldn't backtrack and allow anyone to live with us again. The landlord is really strict which is just what we needed. Life is what you make it. You could tell him to get out because he had to learn to be a man and you aren't going to take care of him anymore, if he doesn't leave call the police. I've had to do this. He is treating you like this because you allow it, plan and simple. You aren't helping him at this point, you're enabling him to continue being a loser. He is behaving like a loser at this point, this might not always be the case if you give him the opportunity to sink or swim. You will be amazed at how becoming homeless can motivate a person to grow up. Be aware that when you first kick him out he will call you whining, don't answer the calls because it will be too easy to give in or make a deal with him. A deal he will not keep. My Mom had to unplug the phone for awhile, I did too in order to avoid being pressured into letting either my ex or my brother back in. Tough love is what will set you both free. Love him enough to let him go and set him free. He just might turn his life around and make you real proud, don't deny him the opportunity. Good luck and you have my support. It's a hard decision to make but oh is it worth it to have you home back!
AQueen

May 5, 2007
10:08 am
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thedogsmom
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AQueen! I'm so glad you came to this site. I know you came here for support and I hope that you are able to get that. Right now, I must say- you came along at precisely the moment I needed you! Selfish- I know--And I'm sorry for that. but I just FINALLY summoned up the strength somehow to kick him out after trying for over a year now... and reading what you just wrote will help keep me on the right track! I have such a similar situation- being really close to my mother-my friend- also codependent like yours--While I don't live with her- I live really close and lean on her and my dad-- for support. She too has been fooled and hurt by my b/f and loaned him $20,000 which I'm sure she won't get back from HIM. She will get it back from me.

You sound like you have already come a long way on the road to your own recovery! thank you so MUCH! I am printing your post. You are a budda-send! Thanks for sharing your story.
thedogsmom

May 5, 2007
12:24 pm
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AQueen
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Sharing my strength makes me feel good and if it helps motivate someone to change their life and seek help for their codependency then that's wonderful. The book Codependent No More is where it all started for me. I looked up codependency online and I read that Codependent No More was a excellent book. Then my Mom went to a used book store and picked up the book for me without even knowing I wanted it! It was meant for me to read that book. By reading the book slowly and really absorbing it I started to learn about codependency. It was hard for me to accept that codependency has a lot to do with control. Me controlling, no way! That was hard pill to swallow but the more I read the more sense it made to me. I was controlling, I was trying to control the outcome of others peoples lives in the name of helping them aka enabling them. I started reading the book last year and shortly after I began making changes in my life. I threw out my ex for the first time. It took almost one year for me to get a restraining order and to stick with my decision to kick him out. I wish I would've done it sooner. I didn't realize how easy it was to get a restraining order until I finally did it, it wasn't hard at all! I started calling the police last year and this time I went through with getting the restraining order they had been asking me to get since I first start calling for help. My brother was also charged with assault after he choked me. My ex and my brother were in jail at the same time. I couldn't live another week with them in the house. Enough was enough. My Mom looks soooooooo much better and younger since we've moved. Life is good. We are learning to live without drama. Life is good. I feel I will be able to date a man one day but I firmly believe in the no relationships for one year rule that is taught in NA/AA. I want to really work on myself and learn why I attrack sick dysfunctional people and more importantly why I put up with their crap. I want to learn why I stay in relationships that are clearly over. Why would I rather be with a dysfunction person than be alone? I feel I just get used to the person being in my life and that their dysfunction and chaos becoming comfortably familair. I don't mind being alone, I've never been the type to jump from relationship to relationship though. I really want to learn to deal with my issues instead of focusing on "helping" others so that I don't have to address my problems. Codependents do that, we get so involved in other peoples lives and their problems to such an extent that we have zero time to deal with our own dysfunciton. This is not an accident, we set it up like this because we are experts at not dealing with life's problems. It feels so good to be free from my ex and my brother. It was hard sometimes when they would whine about not having anywhere to go but I just did what I had to do to move forward. If that meant unplugging the phone, calling the police to have them removed, restraining orders, whatever was necessary to get my life back. You can do it too. We can lead lives we can be proud of. I felt so shameful when I was allowing dysfunctional people to take over my life. I felt so powerless and out of control. I have to go, my son needs me so I'll talk to you guys later.
AQueen

May 5, 2007
12:32 pm
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gracenotes
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Zinnie,

I just do not understand this story. Sure, he did not receive his mail, but this kind of mail needed to be sent certified, surely he would have needed to sign for it. Otherwise they should have served him, like they do with people for small claims court. And, why isn't the insurance company from back then handling this? He was insured when this accident happened, the insurance company needs to pay their share.

My friend's son, who spent years sponging off mom, using her for free babysitting for his son, and being mad and resentful all the time, got his act together. He had a record that was finally, over time, cleared, and he got in the union for his trade, is now making good money, some woman went after him and he is now living with her, and paying his share of the rent. But mom really started forcing the issue of him moving out and demanded her pay for things around the house, including rent. He did, even before he was making money. Whenever I was over there, I could not believe the level of disrespect and anger he showed his mom, who is my friend. I think it was because he was living emotionally an adolescent life, too dependent on mom in his 40's and he really resented it and resented her enabling him. I really think that was the bottom line. Adults really resent and are angry at their own dependencies and they take it out on mom, or whoever is paying their way. It solves nothing. Have to stop feeling sorry for them too. Now that he has moved out, there is a more respectful relationship going on and everyone is happier.

My friend, in her 60's, finally has her home back. My friend is not rich, so now she doesn't have to sink money into things having to do with her son and her grandson. Son and girlfriend now visit as normal people would visit other people and my friend does babysitting now only when she really wants to. There is hope in these situations. Adult kids can grow up and codependent moms can stop enabling their kids. It really is a two way problem here and someone has to take a stand here and say enough!!! That's really what it is. I can really appreciate how difficult this is, but the job has to be done. It is crucial for the growth and well being of both the adult, the child, and mom.

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