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"N"'s is there really such a thing? for garfield!
February 22, 2007
7:13 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Yes Healintime, I have to come to a N tread to keep me straight...I still have to be reminded of it of my thinking will fall to it being my fault...How could he not understand that I was the only one that did care ?... So I am just changing things around me hoping that my thinking will change too...But I understand you when you say you can only take it for a few days at a time...then I have to switch my channel because it is so freaky..I mean I could go on and on reliving the twilight zone///////I was in for so long..But even I cannot believe the things I have done to keep him happy. I so lower myself...So anyway I am glad you have met someone that you can relate to , although not that it is a good way , but it does help to have people in person that understand the relationship with a narcissict....Also Shelbeegirl, once I figure out the bookstore here in this town, I WILL get this book you are mentioning, Thank you and I would like to hear more from you..... And Rev. Keep up your writing for your wonderful essay...Remember you are not missing anything with your past him..They stay stuck but you do not have to....your friend here, horsefly

February 23, 2007
9:39 am
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revelation
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Hi Horsefly an everyone!

I finished the essay...whew it was hard!!! When I was writing about the ex I had to stop just to have a good cry...the emotional stress of writing it down was making me want to vomit! My nephew was there and he just gave me a big hug and said "C'mon, keep going, you can do this" so I wiped my tears away and finished it!!

Horsefly...I'm going to quote you

"How could he not understand that I was the only one that did care ?... "

Ha! How many times have I asked myself this question!!! Ahhh, he's all washed up now, no friends, no job, nobody will let him into their band...of course when we were together he was doing really well...he refuses to make that connection though...I would say he battles with that all the time...He HATED that I genuinely cared, he resented me for it...I think probably because it made him look bad? Garfield could probably answer that one!!

And yes, after finishing my essay and reading back over it I realised I AM so much better and so much happier without him. The sense of relief that I feel whenever I am reminded of him is almost palpable...its like a rush of energy that takes over my body in a sweeping breath sometimes the feeling of relief is so strong that immediately after its followed by a feeling of intense fear...I've tried to describe this to my therapist...fear after relief...almost as if my mind is subconsciously saying

"Yes you are free...but my gosh what would it be like if you were still with him"

I still sometimes get an intense and feeling of fear that sometimes immobilises me when I have to go out in the neighbourhood, most of the time its ok, well...actually no, I do get some kind of fearful feeling everytime I have to go out...but most of the time I'm able to overcome it and walk out the door...perhaps I'll always feel this fear...perhaps its just my mind and body psyching me up for the possibility of bumping into him. Gosh I've never felt so scared of anything or anyone as I am of this man and its so new to me, because its not a fear of being hurt physically its a fear of being hurt emotionally...just by looking at him??? I think I might write a poem about that!!

Rev.

February 23, 2007
12:15 pm
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gracenotes
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I have been following this thread and I was thinking today that it is almost "abnormal" not to be involved in any "n" scenarios. I am really thrilled about this, not complaining at all, and the universe is giving me a big, friendly boot to move on with my life, people and situations that no longer fit me are leaving my life, but sometimes I feel so anxious. But, it just feels different and I know there is no turning back. That's not an option for me. This really feels so much more healthy and it is testing my ability to make wise decisions in my life.

Its like this big hole where I held all the pain and preoccupation about n's is starting to fill up with better things, and it gets scarey at times and but it just awesome at other times. Even the jerk across the street, the motorcycle guy, who likes to make kind of demeanding comments has laid off and leaves me alone. I used to be a walking on eggshells to avoid him, but now even that is neutral. He got tired of of talking to a wall I guess, because I haven't responded to him in a year.

But, this is all so interesting, exciting, scarey, and this is all occurring at a time when I am making other major life changes -- having to relocate, at least during the week, going to a university this fall, ending my existing career and moving on to something else.

And I am doing this learning who really are the healthy people in my life. I've had a couple of healthy friends and I didn't even know it!!!! They are healthy because they are positive about my moving on to the next level at life. They are listening to my options and giving me the freedom to make the decisions I need to make, all without trying to control me, or without making comments like "you're leaving us, I guess you're bored with us", or "how can you afford this". No, those people are just naturally leaving my life. So, I am left with my real friends, and its kind of surprising.

No Contact, N proofing myself the best I can. Words cannot even describe what a difference this has made in my life. Its scarey, but its the best thing that has happened.

February 23, 2007
1:10 pm
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bevdee
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Rev hi!

"I would say he battles with that all the time...He HATED that I genuinely cared,,,,"

Rev, I used to think this about Lucifer. It was as if he hated me for loving him. He needed me to love him and affirm him, but resented it. Maybe? It was because he knew at some level it was because he didn't or couldn't love himself.

Or maybe because he couldn't return that love in an appropriate way.

I think it is almost as crazy-making to try to understand this type of person as it was to live with one.

Bevdee

February 24, 2007
5:41 pm
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revelation
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Do I get a nice warm feeling when I see pictures of my ex's band (minus my ex). Looking all happy and smiling, all getting on well with each other and doing well in the music business? YES...Yes I absolutely do. F*ck it I'm not perfect....I'm not going to feel guilty for having those pictures make me feel good.

February 24, 2007
6:04 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Hello Rev. I understand completely. I think it is ok for us to stll know that we did love them ( for me still do) Nobody will ever be able to take that from me...but the fact is that I did this I cannot change him ( even if he was a N he loved me the best he could possibly?) I have to do somthing different and let go..And I am doing it....Because in my own heart I know he knows he has got to shake me loose because I will never make it with him...heartbreaking as it is I am starting to feel better..I don't think I can leave him and hate him..I think I will always love him..but I cannot be with him.....I have never liked him..But I have either hated him or loved him...horsefly

March 4, 2007
11:11 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Garfield and Rev' Bumped oup the tread because I sill need you guys around..How you you doing? horsegfly

March 4, 2007
11:14 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Garfield haven't heard from you in awhile . I almost must keep up with the N thing...Rev. I always love hearing from you too..Your Friend, horsefly

March 5, 2007
4:47 pm
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revelation
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Hi Horsefly. Don't know where Garfield is....I've been reading and reading about NPD. I had to stop because it was just getting me down!

I'm in "low-profile" mode at the moment...don't feel the need to be outside, mostly because the weather is so awful, but also because I really hate the thought of seeing my ex. If I saw him I think I might vomit. Just can't get my head around the fact that I am so afriad of this person. I keep telling myself I'm being irrational...my mother said its a gut feeling and I should just be aware of it, that maybe he is planning something evil and I should stay on my guard. Meanwhile I'm just taking it easy, seeing friends and living life...nothing to hectic, just life!!

Rev.

(We ARE the normal ones - remember that!!)

March 5, 2007
5:10 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Rev, I did see the ex while I was getting my stuff Sunday,,, I didn't see him up close but I got a load of stuff and took off..Or I was going to vomit ,I understand. I am laying off the research I already know enough..So glad to her from you Rev. horsefly

March 5, 2007
5:31 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Rev , I did what do add this ((((Rev)))) . I do understand, I hope Garfield shows up soon...horsefly

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