Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
"N"'s is there really such a thing? for garfield!
January 31, 2007
9:06 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Amen HealinTime Amen,horsefly,,,You said it all

January 31, 2007
10:43 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Garfield,
You asked me some questions about my history and I am now calm enough to sketch it again.

I am single, never been married.

My first love: I was 17 years old when I moved in with my 38 year old high school English teacher, the beautiful and talented "A."

That was good for a while, but obviously there were power imbalance issues there, and then she turned out to have a problem with drinking and violence. The drunken violence with guns was a real problem to me.

A was real athletic, and could kick ass. But in the end, it wasn't the physical violence, but the emotional domination and periodic cruelty that helped me resolve to get out. I had help escaping. I think our friends saw this young man under the thumb of a tough woman who pretty much insisted on being dominant in all her relationships, with all of her friends. I think they felt sorry for me.

Anyway, that was 11 years of my early adulthood.

Meanwhile, "A" has quit drinking, and transformed into a gentle, peaceful person. Who woulda thunk it?

January 31, 2007
11:10 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield, you wrote:

"Then go on and tell me what happened with your second failed relationship."

I am not sure that I have ever had a relationship that I conceptualize as a "failed relationship." But I did get involved in one more Abusive Relationship, later on.

That was my relationship with "D," who I foolishly had a child with. "D" was also a man-beater, but not big and strong and athletic like "A." A was just sort of a drunken borderline type. She got better after she sobered up.

"D" was, as far as I can tell, a card-carrying psychopath--kind of like Ted Bundy, or Hannibal Lecter, but smarter--more determined to fit in and never get caught. Still a destroyer of men. And way smarter than me.

I made mistake of going to an abusive therapist for help with that relationship.

Therapist didn't want to let me leave the relationship--instead said the only hope was for us to have sex with our therapists and the board of directors of the clinic.

That didn't work, and was a bad idea to begin with. When I said so in group, therapist really didn't like being contradicted. Clients who punish those therapists get punished. My punishment included abduction of my son, who I last saw on July 21st, 2001.

The thought form seems to have been: "You dare contradict my wisdom? I will arrange for your child to be hurt then. That will teach you."

He does that kind of thing.

Personally, I firmly believe that it is wrong for psychotherapists to facilitate the abduction of minor children by...well anyone, but especially by batterers.

January 31, 2007
11:13 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oops, I write:

"Clients who punish those therapists get punished. "

What I MEANT to say was :

Clients who Question those therapists get punished. These shrinks have kind of an obediance thing.

February 1, 2007
1:03 am
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wdad?

Since your horrible experience with that psychotherapy cult, have you ever tried another therapist?

February 1, 2007
11:48 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Worried_Dad

Thanks for your reply. I have people over tonight and will respond to you either late tonight or tomorrow.

I am also calm again. Realised how I got triggered by things you said and eventually just lashed out!!!

Talk to you later

Garfield

February 1, 2007
7:50 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Garfield,

I figured something like that--you did seem uncharacteristically grumpy. No prob.

February 1, 2007
8:11 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh...irritability.

A while back i tried to quit smoking cigarettes. Failed.

Now, again, quitting.

This is day sixteen. Last nicotine dose via patch was on Sunday. I'm performing without a net right now.

I seem to want a smoke about twice a day--once at work, usually around 3 pm
and then in the evening about 7-730 pm.

Find I am coughing and sneezing more than ever, and feel tired all the time.

Sixteen days. I bet 17 days will be even better.

Important thing is that I don't bite anyone's kneecaps off in the next week or so.

February 1, 2007
8:42 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hey, WD,

I wondered how your quitting-smoking was going. 16 days this time, good for you! Did you ever check out that Nurses QuitNet online thing?

Good luck with not biting off kneecaps!

rooting for ya, the kroikster

February 2, 2007
10:54 am
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD, not all therapists are bad people!! At the end of the day...they are just human beings!

I'm studying to become a therapist myself at the moment....and yes, I admit that, its a precarious position to be in...there is a thin line between manipulation and therapy...a very thin line...but there are things that you just should not do in the therapeutic process...and this:

"Therapist didn't want to let me leave the relationship--instead said the only hope was for us to have sex with our therapists and the board of directors of the clinic. "

Well...that just blows my mind...its just absolutely sickening.

Garfield...you hit the nail on the head there, I absolutely went into a "fixing" relationship because I had tried to fix my parents. Thats very very true.

And also I like what you said about proving that they have NPD..

"" think, the only way I would ever 100% believe that I was in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, would be if a psychiatrist diagnosed my ex and sent me written confirmation of it! Even though I've read a lot of documentation on it and it all seems to be basically a description of him...it just seems like its too BIG for me to take in...its seems like the stuff of a movie script...it doesn't seem real. "

you do not need a psychiatrist to diagnose your ex. All you need as prove to you being in a emotionally abusive relationship with your ex or your parents is the way you are. If your ex or parents were healthy emotionally, you would be healthy emotionally. This is your proove (wrong spelling)

"I don't want to offend...I really don't, but I always thought that women who got into abusive relationships were these kind of meek little mousey women, eternal victims...and its just very hard to get my head around the fact that this REALLY did happen to me. It seems like too much to ask of myself, to actually take on board that I failed at fixing him...thats what it boils down to...thats where my unhealthyness is...I failed at fixing him... "

I get you here Rev. This means looking in the mirror and NOBODY wants to do this. Trust me, Gosh. "

Oh yeh...I hear you here Garfield...it is like looking in the mirror, I'm doing it gradually.

Funny thing is I thought I'd already done all of this work...I thought I was aware already that this was an abusive relationship...but altough I have been aware of it since about 6 months after we broke up...I didn't BELIEVE it...do you get the difference??? It didn't reach my soul...still hasn't. Not sure what it will mean for me when I do...I suppose maybe, I'm afraid that the world will come crashiing down if I fully 100% believe that I...the strong one...the successful one...the one that everyone depended on...became a victim...what a horrible word...I despise it!

Rev.

February 2, 2007
11:12 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev

Sooo glad to see you posting. Things got a little heated and I got triggered must admit.

"It didn't reach my soul...still hasn't. Not sure what it will mean for me when I do...I suppose maybe, I'm afraid that the world will come crashiing down if I fully 100% believe that I...the strong one...the successful one...the one that everyone depended on...became a victim...what a horrible word...I despise it! "

Rev I hear you. I am the oldest of 4 children. Was more of a mother or therapist to my brothers and sister than anybody else.

I had to detach from the enmeshed relationship with my mother as you know, but then I also had to do this with my brothers and sister. I was feeling like I sort of was "stealing" from them emotionally bc I always gave them advise.

Enabling them you know.

I am the dependent one in the family and had to realise that I also played the "victim". I also hate this word. When I cut the cord on them as well (not in a bad way) I longed for them to call and ask for help. I was stuck in the only roll I ever knew. That was of taking care of them. Solving there problems. Giving them advise etc

This for me I realised was stealing from them emotionaly. Bc if I continued with this they would never know how to do it themselves.

Love

Garfield

February 2, 2007
11:19 am
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev and Garfield, I am glad both of you posted this..It hit home to me..I have always considered myself the strong one..also others have. I am not meek ...but in he tried his best to make me that way. I am just now still coming to terms with being his "victim". I hate that word too...Matter a fact I was just thinking about this when this post came up...Thanks again...horsefly

February 2, 2007
12:00 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Horsefly

Nice hearing from you

February 2, 2007
12:19 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Worried_Dad

"Studying "what it is about you" that helped you get involved in an abusive relationship is kind of like studying what it was about you that helped you get hit by lightning, or eat some bad chicken at a restaurant, or suddenly find yourself on the losing side of the most expensive war since WW-II.

What I am trying to say is that there is no particular "personality" type that you need to in order to get involved in an abusive relationship.

You don't have to have "low self esteem" for example. That certainly was never the case for me."

I think you are in denial about yourself. This is my honest opinion.

If you look back do you think you had a 'high' self esteem or did you have a 'low' self esteem that was masked?

Just a question.

"What set me up for the second round was that I was at my lifetime peak of mental health, happiness, creativity and social functioning. It is common for us to think that other people are like us--that they share our values, or goals, methods, ways of thinking. It's called projection. "

Do you think this is projection?

How would you describe projection?

My thoughts are different. Please explain.

Garfield

February 2, 2007
12:26 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh Garfield, You have been here from my beginning for me, once I get stabilized ,you will hear more from me, Your Friend, horsefly

February 2, 2007
12:38 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Worried_Dad

Maybe i do not get what it is you are trying to say about projection

here is what I think

"Step 4: Taking Back Your Projections

When you attempt to become separate by making others wrong or bad, you usually develop a lifestyle based on projection. You may twist reality to suit your need to be right and justify your behavior by making others wrong. Taking back these projections often requires the loving confrontation and support of group or family members, friends and partners, a spouse or a therapist. Projections are the building blocks in the wall of denial. They tend to fall away slowly until enough of the wall of denial is removed and the truth of who you and others are is finally revealed.
12-Step Process for Recovery of Co-dependence http://www.tgsrm.org/Codepende.....(12-Steps).htm "

Garfield

February 2, 2007
12:44 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

horsefly

I must say that you have grown emotionally at a tempo that's unknown.

It takes a long time to understand ourselves and our situations and I think you have moved very fast in the right direction

Well, done

I am not just saying this to make you feel good.

Just think of your life lets say 6 weeks ago and now.

What a difference

Love

Garfield

February 2, 2007
1:01 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Garfield, I needed that ,horsefly

February 2, 2007
1:08 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

By the way Garfield, I think it is people like you that have helped find myself and let me open up to my emotional well being, Love Always, horsfly

February 2, 2007
1:54 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Horsefly...one thing you said

"I am not meek ...but in he tried his best to make me that way."

See...thats exactly what happened to me. Its like such a big thing though...because (a) I found that because I WASN'T known as the little mousey type, people...including my brothers and sisters found it hard to believe he had done what he did...I could see the look of confusion on their faces...my friends would say "I can't believe YOU would be so submissive" and most telling of all...my brother in law said "When I first met him, I would have thought that HE would be more likely to be a victim of abuse" he used the word "Timid" to describe him...well, my ex played my brother in law...he befriended him straight away and told him that the girl before me physically abused him!!!! what a dangerous, dangerous man!!!

I remember saying to my ex on several occasions "You don't want me...you want a little mouse..I'm NOT a little mouse" and he would RAGE at me when I said that...I mean he would turn almost demonic "I DO NOT WANT A LITTLE MOUSE, I DO NOT WANT SOMEONE LIKE MY MOTHER"...it really would touch a nerve when I'd say that...but my therapist and I in going back to that time, have both concluded, that actually by the time the relationship ended, I was well on the way to becoming like his mother...a meek little mouse YES, but behind the scenes a passive-aggressive, devious, controlling woman....and that IS what I was becoming.

Another reason why that statement is important is this...he (your abuser) was attracted to you because you were not meek....these people tend to be attracted to people because they have traits that they would dearly love to have. I was bubbly, assertive, out-going and fun-loving (with underlying low self-esteem...but hey, I didn't wear that like a badge...who does!!). Deep down he wanted to be like that, so he always goes for girls like me...but, see, then once he gets them he tries to stamp out the exhuberance...its like, I was allowed to be bubbly and confident and out-going, but only at his command...not at any other time...just doesn't work like that! Sometimes, I think what these types of men need is some kind of robot...something that can be switched off and put back in its box when needed!!

Garfield..jeez, its honestly like you are writing my biography...I too had to detach from some of my siblings! Of course, not in a negative way...I just had to distance myself, because I realised that I was enabling bad behaviour, and that I was letting THEM have too much control of my life too. I have to say, I did this about 6 months ago, and its going well...I have a good relationship with all of my siblings now...because I'm not as involved in their lives and nor are they in mine...sometimes distance is a good thing!!

Rev.

February 2, 2007
2:03 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev,

"Deep down he wanted to be like that, so he always goes for girls like me...but, see, then once he gets them he tries to stamp out the exhuberance...its like, I was allowed to be bubbly and confident and out-going, but only at his command...not at any other time...just doesn't work like that! Sometimes, I think what these types of men need is some kind of robot...something that can be switched off and put back in its box when needed!!"

I had this happen to me. I thought of it as Lucifer wanting to pin the wings of a butterfly that he had prized and caught. At the time, I could not figure out why he wanted to squash the very things in me that he was attracted to. And now? I think it is because it frightened him to consider the possibility of these qualities attracting another man. He did like me to turn on the charm when he wanted to impress someone.

Also, I think it's a pretty common tactic for these abusers to control with anger. Our fear of thier anger. Many many times, I just kept my mouth shut, for fear that anything I said would set him off and I would get hollered at. Or hit. I became meek, and had no opinions. It's hard to imagine that now- I am all outspoken again!!

Bevdee

February 2, 2007
2:44 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bevdee....yes, I too have read and read and read all of these signs of abuse that were written all over my relationship...

And I am getting back to my old self again too. Last week in therapy, I commented to my therapist that I wasnt' comfortable with calling it "emotional abuse" that it seemed like a label and it seemed too big for me to take in. So she commented that I had told her before that my spirit had broken and on another occasion I mentioned that I felt "beaten down" and she said "Do these fit better?" And they do...to say I was "emotionally abused" just seems a bit impersonal...but to say "my spirit was broken" seems to fit better...but thankfully my spirit is back, I am getting back to my old-self...only this time without the hidden insecurities and self-esteem issue's...so in a way...and I know this may seem a little to light-hearted to say about the subject...but in a way, perhaps me meeting this man and having this experience was a good thing...because it drove me to the edge...and made me finally realise that I had a problem with self-esteem and I needed to fix myself before it was too late.

My aunt said to me once "The only way to go when you hit rock-bottom is up" And I suppose, thats true. These people sent us on the fast-track to rock-bottom, from there...the only thing you can do is stay there or start swimming upwards....but you can't get any worse...

Rev.

February 2, 2007
2:59 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev, I have met his mother ,she died a few years ago. She was a couch potato. Meek and you couls see in her eyes she had seen hell. Now it has been coming to me for awhile now, how he was molding me....His father was an extreme abuser, shee wasn't even allowed to work while he was alive. She was never able to defend him(her Child)......I could see this years ago in her pain stricken eyes. Yes, I was heading in that direction..Meek and scared to say anything... I am so glad I made it out.....horsefly

February 2, 2007
3:16 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Garfield,

I am talking about a more general take on projection.

Whenever we assume that other people have thoughts or motives the same as ours, we are projecting.

Sneaky, dishonest people will see dishonesty everywhere...

And a sunny, loving, optimistic, trustworthy person is likely to believe that anyone they meet is also trustworthy--

February 3, 2007
10:04 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
100sp_Permalink sp_Print

Worried_Dad

Ok I understand you know

enjoy the week end

Garfield

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information