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N's, Abusers & How They Make Legal Threats
August 19, 2006
1:21 pm
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nvr

He won't get full custody. Full custody is only granted when there is sexual and/or extreme physical abuse.

Is he in the house with the kids?

If so, he will probably get primary custody. You'll have visitation. If you're okay with that, then sure, let him stay in the house.

If you want primary custody, then he needs to get out of the house. The judge won't move kids from their house.

The judge is not going to see through anything and say ENOUGH. That's not how it works. Your N-monster has the legal right to file whatever he wants and have a judge make a decision if you do not agree to what he wants.

You're not gonna control what he does and does not do, even with negotiating.

I missed part of the story- why did you get thrown out, and where are the kids now, and is he working? I'll go read up.

free

August 20, 2006
5:34 am
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Free,
Here is the story...
I filed for divorce, we lived in the house together...first he was sorry that he had 'let me down', then he got a lawyer and a girlfriend.
He was planning on moving out because of her and after one nasty fight (he was telling the kids that I did not love him, following me around, cornering me..) He then pushed me in front of the kids, I called the police, he called his lawyer.
The police got there, kicked him out of the house.
(by the way) he has a drinking problem that he has never admitted..alawys me making a big deal out of it.
His dad was an alchoholic and terribly abusive.

anyway, my sbtx filed a restraining order against ME...the one who had been with the kids every night and he was there a handful of times that summer...saying I gave him scratches.

Long story short...based on lies, I get kicked out of the house with nothing, he hides the kids from me..
I go through the courts for time with the kids, he gets more weird and controlling...
I settle for temp. 50/50...he drops the RO after 3 months because I will not talk to him.
I move into a rented place, then an apartment and then my step-father puts in his name a house that I build.
My stbx goes after the NEW house...all the while, he is living in our house...saying he is going to buy it.
well...fast forward...2.5 years later..still not divorced.
the kids are still in the same school..his lawyer keeps CHANGING the parenting agreement..so we STILL don't have one.
until recently when they have changed it YET again...and threaten me with going for full custody because he cannot afford to stay in the house.

ok..so here is what is going on now...
I get a promotion where I work..
I have a house with nice bedrooms for the kids..
he makes 2 times what I do...
he is starting to realize that he cannot stay in the house..
(he has paid approx $50K to his lawyer already)...
I work from home..do a little traveling for work (maybe once every 2 months).
He works a LOT..his family takes care of the kids on his days...because he cannot get them to school or from school.

in mediation we had decided that I would have them every night...during school, because he is unable to be there in the morning or evenings.
his lawyer says NO...
so his family drives 40 minutes in the mornings to be with the kids...

while I am at home.
and there are too many things to mention..his not going to the kids conferences, the sports activities, the poor decision making, leaving my son at 6 with no adult supervision at a campground..while he is off with a NEW G/F..
he is angry, yells at the kids, and I cannot work with him on the kids schedules..without him copying his lawyer.

it is getting too difficult for me to deal with him and his anger and his battle to destroy me (and it IS about ME...nothing about the kids).

the kids move back and forth from the house, he does not know where he will live...he does not know if he can afford the house...so for me to get primary should not be based on that...since right now, I have 1 and 1/2 house..he has a 1/2 and no where to go. I have been waiting patiently for this to end...we give settlements, they reject...
we give timelines, they ignore.

his lawyer really is all about stalling!
I have signed every parenting agreement they have changed...
he has not signed one.
this last one I received...I am not going to sign.

I had to make a decision...I have to go for primary placement.
the kids know he drinks everyday..my daughter tells me everything. (she is 12)...and he yells at the kids.

these kids are my life, I have a story about that too (my sister was our surrogate for both of them).

so it was not like they were 'mistakes'...carefully planned children that do not deserve this.

so, free...tell me what you think now?
he is a verbally, emotional abuser...
a drinker..
that still relies on me to make the kids decisions and take them to all their appointments.
especially on his days.

I have many emails trying to work out the kids schedules..he talks about $$ and not the kids..then copies his lawyer.
it is extremely difficult to co-parent that way.

nvr

August 21, 2006
3:21 am
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what do I think nvr?

I think this really sucks and I'd like to bop your ex in the nose.

That aside, i don't think the two of you should have 50-50 custody. that works well when two parents are able to get along. You two don't kuz he's got a wig up his ass.

Your 12 year old has alot of power. She doesn't know it, but she does.

So here's a vision of what could happen:

You ask the 12 year old if she wants to live primarily with you. Visitation with dad would be every other weekend and one night per week. siblings should never be split up so the 6 year old goes on the same schedule. Period. No negotiating. Your lawyer draws the proposal. He goes ape shit, refuses, spits, screams, etc. You ask for a court date. Judge appoints a lawyer to represent the kids. Kids and you and ex see lawyer, lawyer makes a recommendation to the court, probably primary custody with you based on what the 12 year old says and what you said above. Y'all go to court, lawyers battle it out, judge makes a decision.

Or, his lawyer demands a full psychological evaluation. that's within his rights. And you go through that shit. then the court date. And it's not one court date, it'll be many before a trial where a final decision is made. The psychological evaluator will also make a reccommendation to the court which will probably be primary with you, visitation with him..

He can say he's gonna try to go for full custody all he wants. he's not going to get that, and his lawyer isn't gonna ask for it. Full custody takes away ALL of your parental rights. That will be granted if you're ever sentenced to a prison term.

There's physical and legal custody, two different things. Most parents have joint legal, meaning you can both make decisions regarding school, church, etc. If you don't agree on something, then the parent with whom the child is with at that time makes the decision. Then there's physical, sounds like you guys are 50-50. It's uncommon. For one, this takes two parents who work well together, and for two, it's unstable: kids do best in a routine, especially a 6 year old. Usually there is primary physcial custody granted to one parent and the non-custodial parent has visitation rights on a set schedule. Siblings are rarely separated unless parents agree.

You're gonna spend alot, and I do mean alot, of money, time, heartache, restless nights, on a custody battle. Your ex's lawyer baits you it seems to battle with him and your ex. a custody battle is gutwrenching for kids to endure, as the games adults play, and your ex will plame them, are total mind-fucks to kids. They don't understand them, can't comprehend them, and they love you both.

It sounds to me like you have a really good head on your shoulders nvr. It sounds to me like you can handle alot more than you think you can.

You have a very tough decision to make. But know nvr, there will be many more of them. going for primary custody is not going to end the battles between you.

One thing I like to consider when making decisions about my own kids is how well they are doing in school. It's a HUGE indicator of emotional health for kids. Change is usually disruptive.

Child support is going to be set at some point. You're 50-50 right now, he makes more than you, he should be paying you. support is based on time with each parent and individual incomes. N's are nutsos about child support. They go bonkers about having to pay it. The more time he gets with the kids, the less he will have to pay you. His lawyer knows this. he probably does by now, too.

the way to "beat" an N-moster is to not play their games. don't let him bait you into battle by copying his lawyer or other aggravating crap. Stay business like when you e-mail him. this is done by not explaining yourself, just stating yourself. Ex: I need this. NOT: I need this because......

Copying his lawyer is just to intimidate you. I didn't copy my lawyer in e-mails to my ex, but I saved them in case I ever needed them. You should be too. Your ex is an idiot, he's getting charged by his attorney to read them, and they may not even be necessary. Laugh at that as you save your e-mails just in case you will need to pay an attorney to read them.

Nvr, I understand why you are asking if you should go for primary custody and why you're considering it. It should have been that way in the first place. But it's not.

So now, use your best judgement to determine if it's more damaging to go for it, or more damaging not to.

Damage control.

It's how you co-parent with an N-monster. You're not gonna make things right and okay. he won't let you, can't let you. so, you focus on minimizing the damage he does and enforcing the positives that you do.

If you haven't started documenting things, DO IT. In a custody battle, you will NEED dates, times, specifics, of what happened when. don't spend alot of time on it, just maybe an online journal or something where when you're checking your e-mail you make an entry. document doctory/dentist visits, parent conferences, back to school nights, sports events, etc. that you attend: this is very big in determining the primary caretaker. His lawyer will tell him to start doing that if a battle ensues so you're gonna have that nasty game to deal with.

well, I wrote alot here.

what do you think nvr?

free

August 21, 2006
5:17 am
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Free...
thank you thank you thank you!

I have made the decision...I will go for primary placement...
we have already spent a LOT of $$ up to this point.
Him more than me..and him and his lawyer are going to make life hell for me anyway, so I might as well keep the focus on the kids.

He is a liar, from the word GO.
I would live to have a psychological evaluation and would LOVE to have him take one!
these N's are great liars, charmers, and abusers. they know how to 'walk a thin line'...I think his lawyer has crossed the line.

I plan on making her life hell!
The office of lawyer regulations has already been notified. and now her lies in the most recent letter can be proven.

I have no concerns about him getting full custody of the kids..since he is ANGRY and it is known! and he does not want them full time.
he can not take them for the time he has them now.

and I have never been to prison..I don't have any criminal charges EVER against me, I don't (or have ever) done drugs and I don't drink.
I work at a HUGE healthcare company as a Cardiovascular Project Manager.
I have a nice home, brand new..and I work from home.
and to top it all off, I have friends that have seen what I have to deal with when he is involved...
intimidating me at the kids school functions, following me...yelling at me while the kids are around.

I have been documenting everything, I have been keeping all my emails.
I know he copies his lawyer to 'scare' me...she does not scare me.

What is going to happen now..the GAL is back involved..she has not been involved since I told her that he was drinking and driving with the kids, which was pretty much her calling my daughter a liar, but I did get a 'responsible drinking clause' in the parenting agreement.

we will have a social worker doing an evaluation.
which then tells the GAL what they think..GAL tells it to the judge.

I have more than my share of reports from a Child psychologist, family therapist, pediatrician and dentist (my 6 year old was so stressed out last year that he was pulling his teeth out, ones that were not even loose)...I took him to all the appointments and his dad told me that I was making things up.

My ex made the appointment with the Child Psychologist on his day...
I picked up my son from school to meet with him, called my ex and he decided that he could not get out of work.

and then did not call to see how his appointment went..
it was terrible...
and I have all the documentation
so I am not worried at all..I got the kids into counseling. he thought I should not do that.

and my 12 year old tells me that he drinks everyday and that he has a drinking problem...12 year olds should not know that!

I am confident in my decision, their 'scare' tactics do not work anymore on me, I was once intimidated by them, but now I laugh at them.
they threaten me all the time.

What concerns me is that the judge does not see any of this...
they make decisions based on whatever crap a lawyer comes up with.

and he is a charmer.
but one thing that I can bank on, is that he cannot go into this custody thing and say how horrible I am as a mother, because then he would have to go for FULL custody and prove me unfit.
then his anger will start to show.
and he will then be exposed.

I will not give up on my kids, they deserve calm and stable parents.
he needs help, I just wish I knew how to bring that out in the open.

I have to give this to my Higher Power...know I am doing the right thing...and let what happens, happen.

thank you..free...

you really helped me a lot!
if he does not kill me first, I know this is only temporary, and that I have to fight for my kids.
I hope in the end they don't blame me..I hope they thank me for fighting for them.

pray for strength for me, I am going to need it šŸ™‚

nvr

August 22, 2006
4:12 pm
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well..free...
I have decided to go to trial and my stbx will find that out today.

I am going for primary placement of our kids...
and all things are off for the divorce..
we are back to the beginning..
after all that $$!
I hope bankrupcy is not that bad! šŸ™‚
nvr

August 24, 2006
12:09 am
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bankruptcy is not bad, nvr. I thought it was gonna be the end of my life.

I'm sad that your kids are going to go through this. It will be very hard for you as well.

Try not to focus on the fact that he needs help and how to bring that out into the open. It will make you look like YOU need help. Try to focus making/keeping things as stable as possible for all of you. Keep your calm, this is not a fight between you and your stbx. There won't be a winner. There's gonna be four losers. What you're trying to do is make it so losses are minimized, and with things the way they are, the losses are maximized.

Is your lawyer supportive of you and what did he/she say?

keep in touch

free

August 24, 2006
6:19 am
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free..
I am glad that bankruptcy will not be the end of my life..his lawywer is claiming that I am trying to put HIM into bankruptcy! that is funny...since I would go down with him!

you are right...the focus should and is on the fact that the kids need stability.
I do not care if he needs help.
I just want my kids to be ok!

the ball is rolling for the court..and trying to work with him and the kids is impossible.
he takes the 'bully' stance to a new level and he threatens me that I will be 'sorry' if I do not do what he wants.

I am so tired of that..but it probably will not change even if things go my way in court.

thank you for your support.
I will need it

nvr

August 24, 2006
7:03 am
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"UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES"

by R. Lundy Bancroft

http://www.lundybancroft.com/p.....USTODY.htm

August 24, 2006
8:18 am
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Thank you Worried Dad!!!
I am going to look it up right now.
I just ordered a book about divorcing someone with BPD.

I am pretty sure that is what I am up against
I read all I can get my hands on!

nvr

August 24, 2006
2:22 pm
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nvr2late
Worried Dad gave you a excellent link.

You are going to need all the knowledge you can get. Here is some more
"When divorce is unavoidable, prepare to play one of the most vicious, unfair, hardball games in American culture. Your preparation...is critical."
DIVORCE - The Real Truth, The Hidden Dangers Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism
Ann Bradley, M.A.
http://www.narcissisticabuse.c.....ebook.html

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Splitting - Divorcing the Borderline or Narcissist byAttorney William Eddy
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

DIVORCE - The Real Truth, The Hidden Dangers Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism - Ann Bradley, M.A.
http://www.narcissisticabuse.c.....ebook.html

Divorce and the Narcissist in Court
http://www.narcissisticabuse.c.....vorce.html

Divorcing the Narcissist and the 'system'
http://darksideofdv.blogspot.com/

Winning Custody Steps (from therapists)
http://child.prayingfor.us/custody.htm

"Love and Loathing" Kreger/Williams
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/.....hing.shtml

Eddy Law site
http://www.eddylaw.com/

William Eddy Articles
http://www.eddylaw.com/articles.htm

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
http://www.amazon.com/gp/produ.....8;n=283155

SPARC Separated Parents Access and Resource Centre - Check their article archive
http://www.deltabravo.net/

Steps to Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/cust...../protect.h
"When a woman steals your man, there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him." Sacha Guitry

A Guide to the Parenting Evaluation Process
http://www.deltabravo.net/cust...../guide.htm

SPARC FAQ site
http://www.deltabravo.net/faq/

Tips on Keeping Documentation
http://www.deltabravo.net/cust...../tips1.htm

Articles at Sparcs
http://www.deltabravo.net/cust.....ticles.php

Understanding the Batterer in Custody Situations (MUST READ!!)
http://www.wcwonline.org/wrn/lundy.pdf
http://www.scarlettespeaks.com/id24.html
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/l.....sputes.pdf

ASSESSING RISK TO CHILDREN FROM BATTERERS Bancroft/Silverman
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/as.....o_kids.pdf
http://domestic-violence.tripo.....essing.htm

The Parenting of Men Who Batter - Bancroft
http://aja.ncsc.dni.us/courtrv.....ncroft.pdf

The Batterer as Parent - Bancroft
http://www.lundybancroft.com/p.....YNERGY.htm

Grounds for Mental Cruelty (Tip:also search adultery/insanity grounds)
http://www.divorcenet.com/stat.....s/ilart_13

Custody Preparation for Mothers (articles)
http://www.custodyprepformoms......ticles.htm

Divorcing the Narcissist
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/5.html

The Narcissist in Court
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq78.html

Garfield

August 24, 2006
3:19 pm
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Garfield..
THANK YOU!!!
I have saved the article from worried dad, I am going to hand it to the evaluator and the GAL.

because they really don't know what they are dealing with.
I have to at least put the thought in their head that he is a charmer.

it is scary to think that I am in a battle like this with him...
it is funny...he does NOT have the people that know him fooled.

but he can easily con the judge, the evaluator and the GAL...
but I am the one that has to deal with him.

nvr

August 24, 2006
3:19 pm
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Garfield..
THANK YOU!!!
I have saved the article from worried dad, I am going to hand it to the evaluator and the GAL.

because they really don't know what they are dealing with.
I have to at least put the thought in their head that he is a charmer.

it is scary to think that I am in a battle like this with him...
it is funny...he does NOT have the people that know him fooled.

but he can easily con the judge, the evaluator and the GAL...
but I am the one that has to deal with him.

nvr

August 24, 2006
10:23 pm
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I have another question...
how do you get these abusers to show their real selves during court or in front of someone making decisions?
nvr

August 25, 2006
1:36 am
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nvr

Sparc, a site mentioned above, is not for you. If you go there, go from a different computer and don't give out any details of your situation. Do the same for anything with deltabravo in it. It's a site that claims it if about father's rights and equal parenting. It is not. It's a so called father's rights movement, but the truth is, father's who love their children don't torture their children's mothers. Whatever you do, don't send them money. They use it to fight VAWA, and they have made progress. Stalkers and abusers love this site. The legal stuff they offer is a bunch of crap. My ex bought and tried to use their child support software in court. The judge wouldn't even read it. None of those things "must be accepted in all California Courts", or any other states. Do not be intimidated by any of that if you do go there and read it.

I personally found all that info up there overwhelming. It was really cool of people to list it though as resources are indeed valuable. You will have many cheerleaders, and you have a huge support system here. That's what this place is for.

Your ex might find you here. You need to know that. A narcissist is gonna try to find your support system and get into it.

So be careful what you say. Be aware that you have a tendency to play into his hand, this is what enabled him to control you for all the time you were together. Be aware of that, so that you can not do it.

Here is what I see nvr, from an outsider's view, and from somebody who has survived this game so far:

1) You're desperate to have others see him for who he is. This can happen, but it will take time, and you can't make it happen. As you learn to separate from this need, his colors will begin to show. This secret between you and him, it is his power over you. Once this secret means little to you, he loses his power, his self control, and his facade. You must work on yourself nvr. His charade will be over when it no longer matters to you.
2) You're not completely focused on your kids. You're more interested in your fight with your stbx. You want to win that fight for more reasons than the best interests of your kids. That's normal and common. Being aware of that, working on that, will help you to be successful, even if you lose your motion.
3) you want everybody else to see what you see in your stbx. That's not gonna happen kuz everyone else hasn't shared intimacy with him. As his actions impact you less and less, what they will see is that he is an idiot, selfish, and probably a narcissist. But it's never gonna be the same view as yours. It'll never be the whole picture. There are many narcissists out there. Courts are filled with them. Yours is but another.
4) You may want to annihilate him. Nvr, you'll never succeed. Besides, it's not necessary for your survival. He is not an integral part of your survival. Do only what you need to do, and let the rest go.
5) You're gonna be okay. And so will your kids. This, too, shall pass.

Resist the urge to shoot from the hip. Deep breath. Nothing I said is "bad." You're not "bad." But you're not perfect either, and working on yourself is going to be your best weapon against a narcissist. Why? Because he can't be a part of that.

But he's gonna be a part of everything else you do, everyone else you know, everyplace else you go.

But he can't be a part of nvr working on nvr.

free

August 27, 2006
9:38 am
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free

'Sparc, a site mentioned above, is not for you. If you go there, go from a different computer and don't give out any details of your situation."

Thanks for the information.

Garfield

August 27, 2006
2:16 pm
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Where did you come up with that site garfield? Just curious.

I went there to check it out to see what they were all up to. I go to a stalking support site/group and Sparc is our nemesis.

It's a good place to learn exactly how nasty people can be. I say people, kuz there are women there as well who support these nasty biological fathers. So in one situation this guy got child support arrears withheld from his tax return, and the solution is to file an injured spouse claim form and that will give him a chance to get the money back, but in th least hold up the check for 6 months to a year so the "nasty" mother of his children will have to wait but even longer for financial support from HIM.

F*%^$#! pig.

In another discussion the mother of a couple boys is beginning to date and the step mom wants custody in order to stop having to pay child support, and so has actually hired a private detective to monitor her every move so that she can prove this mother is a whore and unfit.

Fu%$#@! C&^%.

I get so angry at these games these people play.

free

August 27, 2006
2:26 pm
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They offer advice to each other, this one has got to be a topper:

Try to get the mother to voluntarily let the kids go with you on an unscheduled visitation time, just tell them you're going someplace really fun. then when she lets them, you can file a police report for abandonment, the kids are so young that they won't be able to contradict your story.

I could go on and on, but these people at Sparc actually do this shit.

free

August 27, 2006
10:10 pm
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Free..
wow..I will stay away from that site!!
yikes!
I went away for the weekend to a motorcycle class..which was fun and I was so proud of it.
I come home to a letter from my stbx's lawyer..with 4 pages of items that she wants in a WEEK!
paystubs for a year, bank statements for 3 years...any education that I received besides my degree..
hell..
this is so out of hand.
my lawyer says she is going to make my life hell...
I guess that is true..
I will do it and get through it, but there has to be a way to stop the insanity!

nvr

August 27, 2006
11:30 pm
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My ex monster's lawyer did that crap too.

If you don't have paystubs for a year, offer your w-2 and be firm in saying "I don't have them and can't get them, everything I made in a year is on this w-2." Or, your tax return.

Call the bank tomorrow and ask if you can get copies of your bank statements for the last three years, how much it will cost, and how long it will take for them to get to you. Then relay that information to your ex's attorney. Like this: "I don't have bank statements for 3 years. The bank can get them to me in 23 days at a cost of $247. When I recieve a check from you I will gladly order them."

then:

"Following is a list of classes I've taken since my degree, to the best of my recollection. If you need transcripts I can order those at a cost of $10 and they will be here in 14 business days. I will be happy to accommodate that request when I recieve a check from you."

I'm surprised they didn't ask for all your cancelled checks. To that you respond "I do not have all my cancelled checks for the past year, but I can order those at a cost of $1.25 per check and the bank can get them to me in 33 days. I estimate that cost to be around $180. when I recieve a check from you I will gladly order them for you."

This is harrassment nvr. And it's legal. But you can choose to refuse being harrassed by stating what I said above. do that whether or not you DO have cancelled checks, bank statments, transcripts, etc. he has the right to request that information from you but he doesn't have the right to make you pay for it.

Also, insist your lawyer turn around and request that information from HIM in ONE WEEK. Turnabout's fair play, and they need to know NOT to play with you.

you might have to be firm with your attorney as well. Tell her, "I do not have these things. I will get them when he sends me a check to cover their cost. What I will offer is my tax return/w-2 as verification of income. If a judge orders me to go get all of these things and to pay for them myself, I will certainly comply in respect of the court."

You're gonna have to learn how to assert yourself this way.

Until this is over, watch your actions closely. Alcohol, smoking, going out, ya know- anything that can be construed as "bad mom"- DON'T DO. Until this is over, you're Saint mom. Asservive mom, but Saint mom.

Motorcycle riding- how fun!

free

August 28, 2006
5:46 am
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Free...
thank you for the advice!!!
I appreciate it very much, and you are right..if I offer the things that I have...then it does not look like I am not complying...and I am going to tell my lawyer to do the same thing..in a week!!!

and this is all that they have before..my paystubs...my w-2's..they want all my trip itineraries from work..I can get most of them, which is fine.

but the things they are asking for is ridiculous.

and there is no way in a week I can come up with it!

not even that...his lawyer already requested my transcripts from school..
she has all that, my lawyer said she just wants to make your life hell.
well, she already has been doing that...so what for a little while longer.

free, did you go to trial for your divorce?
I have been told by the mediator..a retired judge, that this is a straight forward divorce case.
how can this legally happen?

nvr

August 28, 2006
5:43 pm
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free..
ok...I had this lightbulb moment.
I have spent a very stressful day..
but I have stepped back and looked at everything.

There ARE lawyers out there that will plot one person against the other..that is what his lawyer is doing..means more $$ for her...and she is able to step out of the mess and say..'hmm, ok now...good luck'

we are the ones cleaning up the mess afterwards!

I don't understand how people can be like this..especially an officer of the court!
he will spend more $$ on HER bill than giving to the mother of his kids.

that is truly sad.

she has done NOTHING but convince this man that I am the enemy..and you have to feel sorry for that.
because it feeds into his disorder and addictiveness.

he is a sad sad man, and I told him that today.
listening to someone that does NOT care about him
never will and will leave him to deal with his mess.

you have to feel sorry for someone that falls into that trap.
I just have to keep focus and let it happen, not try to control this situation.

hopefully someone will finally take notice.
and after it is all over, I doubt if he will be thinking that he won.
hopefully he will be thinking he got screwed and all without warning.

I guess it takes a little time for me to wake up
but I do!
šŸ™‚

nvr

August 28, 2006
6:30 pm
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No, we didn't go to trial for the divorce. Didn't need to. What I had to do though, was have a trial DATE that I KEPT. I told him that if all is worked out before the date, everything is signed by the two of us, and the judge (your lawyer will submit the agreement to be signed), then we won't go to court, otherwise, we will. It tookme 2 1/2 years to get divorced. And we didn't even own a house.

Dragging it out is causing you heartache and keeping you attached to him. So ya gotta put your foot down. Supplying him with all these stupid paperwork requests is costing you money, too, as it goes through your attorney. Attorneys don't stop the fighting, people do. Attorneys fight for you. So you are the one, nvr, that has to put your foot down.

He doesn't need your trip itineraries, give me a break. Get them if you can in case the judge asks for them, but don't supply them to him. He doesn't need them. If the judge ever asks for them, tell her/him that you just got them yesterday, here they are. This isn't being nasty, it's saying no to legal harrassment. No to him, no to his lawyer, and no to your lawyer.

Stability means having things done once and for all. You're just burning up your assets fighting, so don't worry about losing assets in court. Material things can always be replaced. Your main fight is for primary child custody, and child support is gonna be set on his income, your income, and amount of time with the two of you. This is probably why is attorney is going bonkers.

Hang in there. This is an incredibly stressful time. Push the issue HARD: you need this to be OVER. If that means taking a hit then take the hit.

free

August 29, 2006
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Free...
thank you once again for the advice..I wrote him an email..asking to get this over with...splitting the difference and calling it a day.
you are right, the kids are my main focus.

and I believe you are right on why his lawyer is going bonkers..she is about to lose everything that she has fought for...50/50 custody of the kids, and he will never make up for the amount of $$ it will cost to go to trial.
he will end up worse...since I am giving up everything in the house and taking on my student loans which are $20K.
if they take it as the 50/50 it is suppose to be...he will spend $20K more on trial..and will have to pay me $30K more...
and my concern right now are the kids...that he stop using them.

I am hoping he replies that we need to get this over with.
but I am not counting on it.

and I will stop and say NO to the legal harassment!
they have filed contempt charges against me, for taking our son to the child therapist..he made the appointment...
and did not show up...
now they are saying that I broke a court order (this was in Dec 2005)
my son was pulling out his teeth with the root attached to it and pulling out his eye lashes...

I took him to the pediatrician, dentist, another child therapist (he went that time) and then to the referral that they gave us.
then I took them to counseling.
he wanted NOTHING to do with that...
saying my son was after $$ (at 5 years old!)

so, they can file that against me.
I don't care.
but I will not cave into their ridiculous demands.

he is trying to destroy me, and I hope someone sees that.

I appreciate your story, I am glad it worked out for you.
you all are wonderful resources.
I hope that this will be a distant memory for me soon...and that I will give the sound advice that is given to me.

thank you thank you thank you!

nvr

August 29, 2006
6:33 pm
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Yours is gonna work out too. Mine's not completely worked out, nvr, I'm just getting better at dealing with it.

Contempt is very difficult to prove. They must show that you willfully, disrespectfully, intentionally, disobeyed a court order. What they are going to try to do by filing these charges is show the judge that you are difficult to work with. On this one, you follow your lawyer's advice, which is probably going to be to not respond and to say nothing in court. this means they will have to prove it, and they're not gonna. They're also trying to rattle you. I had this filed against me too, and it is indeed rattling. Even if they DID prove it, you'd most likely be scolded by the judge. Possibly fined. But you're not gonna go to jail. so just keep your cool on this.

Show no fear. Ya do, STBX will bite.
free

August 29, 2006
11:06 pm
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Free...
well, since I did not do any of those, and there was no court order NOT to get help for my son..I really am not worried about contempt, it is just something she throwed in to retaliate against me.
I know this is all temporary..I sent a nice email this morning to my stbx which I said that the lawyers are having a good time spend our money..let's get this over with and move on.
his reply was on the order of...if you will not go for primary placement, I will accept your settlement.

I told him to separate the issues...property division and custody need to be separate.

but I don't think I will hear anymore from him
this shows that I am not unreasonable.

I don't know what the answer is anymore, he is out to destroy me
I know that...
I need to PROVE it to someone!

nvr

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