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N's, Abusers & How They Make Legal Threats
August 11, 2006
10:49 am
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gracenotes
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I was thinking this morning about the n's I have been involved with. Mainly, an ex-fiance who stalked me decades ago and threatened me with 3-day holds in a psych hospital, co-worker who bullied me, and made up enough lies to get me fired, and ex-teacher who threatened me with jail time if I didn't stop trying to kindly reconcile with her. All these folks demeaned, threatened, verbally abused, gossiped, etc. They all had this imaginary team of people who knew "all about me" and could vouch for either my insanity, tantrums, instability, or being physically threatening (fill in the blank here). They all did their best to destroy any kind of positive friendships or other professional relationships I had and get things started with people to create doubts about me. Sometimes they were successful. Mostly not because I fought back, and sometimes I had to do this legally and/or seek police involvement. I also wasted a lot of time and money fighting the fabricated job story and was partly successful, but to this day wonder why he was believed, when all the vendors outside the organization and co-worker in the organization think he's a lying idiot. But, I think its because he has made legal threats to the organization. When the threats got bad enough I saw an attorney re: ex-teacher. He laughed about her ridiculous behavior anyway, but gave the best advice anyway-- initiate no contact, which I eventually did.

We all live with terrorist threats as a society which are very real, but at times in my life, I have lived with my own personal terrorists trying to create fear in me and being successful at times too. But, still, I chose to stand up for myself in the way that best mirrored what I thought was right and true for me and/or said no to their behavior. I read a lot on this site about members having various legal or quasi-legal threats thrown at them. Just seems to be a power play and pattern with these abusive people.

I am just hoping that I get wise enough to never ever get entangled with any of this kind of stuff again. As I said before, I think I have radar for this, and if I see any red flags, I think I will ask questions about their involvement with attorneys, the police, etc., what they have initiated is just as important as anything they have done. Not that real things don't happen in the world that need to be addressed legally, cetainly I needed legal help with the job situation and ex-t threats, but I would be very suspicious of someone who had frequent police involvement, initiated frequent lawsuits, and complained frequently to administration on a job about other people, all things my ex-n's have done. Don't believe them, check it out with a legal person. Most of the time its just their nonsense.

August 11, 2006
12:37 pm
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gracenotes
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Bump, no one else had do deal with this kind of crazy stuff?

August 11, 2006
3:18 pm
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nvr2late
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oh...yes..I have a stbx that is the classic...'we all know you are crazy'
and dealt with the N-Lawyer...
that he validates his opinion with.
I don't understand the reasoning behind this..
I am reading a book called 'Emotional Resiliance'...that totally sums up controlling people and their reasoning behind why they try and control..

I recommend the book to anyone dealing with them and with dealing with your own 'dependent personality'
the ones that are easy to abuse..and will keep peace at all costs.

just know...these people are very very insecure and will defend their position to the point of destroying themselves.

they don't THINK about the big picture..only the details.
leads to many many destructive incidents.

they don't care..
they are nuts in their thinking...
and they are ALWAY right...they will tell you that!
nvr

August 11, 2006
3:39 pm
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gracenotes
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nvr2late,

Oh, that reminds me, there are "n" lawyers too. Forgot about that. Yes, they are always right (meaning everyone else is wrong, ignorant, whatever, and nuts too).

I think I have read that book. Very good book, glad you mentioned it. Helped me to understand the why" of things and really zeroed on on their need to control, how these folks build their lives on a very flimsy foundation, thus very insecure, and have to be right. But, I will look it up, just in case I am thinking of a different book. Sounds very good, thanks for mentioning it.

August 11, 2006
4:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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gracenotes -

My ex-fiance was a retired (and I suspect - very corrupt) chief of police. He used to brag about how none of his ex-wives had succeeded in "besting" him during divorce proceedings...what a great lawyer he had, etc. I suspect he used his many connections to absolutely destroy his betrayed and discarded wives. (Please note how blind I was...though I would be exempt from his ruthlessness. Boy, was I in for an education!)

When he severed our engagement during one of his unprovoked BPD rage episodes, (via email, I might add), he then commanded me via telephone to return the diamond to the jeweler he specified by 5:00 PM that same day or face consequences. Scared the tar out of me. I finally got a telephone call from my (now-ex)lawyer. She regretfully informed me that (1) he had attempted to hire her to SUE ME for return of the engagement ring; (2) she had informed him that the ring was legally mine by State law, since he had severed the engagement for no just cause (such as infidelity on my part, etc.); and (3) that she could no longer represent me (even though we have been personal friends for over 7 years) because of a code of ethics conflict, now that he had tried to use her to sue her own client.

I then got angry, telephoned him (this was our last contact ever) and left him a voice message informing him that my lawyer had advised me the ring was my legal property (a "gift") and that my answer to his demand for its return by 5:00 per instructions was "No. I repeat, No." He has never heard from me since.

A week later, the pastor of my church telephoned me. Seems the ex-fiance had called him, to enlist his cooperation in persuading me to do the "right thing" and return "HIS PROPERTY." Trust me. I know how intimidating my ex could be. Even the psychologist who treated us as a couple confirmed this. In short, he was using a third party to try and damage my reputation (I am an ordained police chaplain) and force me to yield to his control. I attempted to give the good reverend a crash course in "personality disordered people"and the manner in which they seek to control, intimidate and manipulate to get their way. Added that the ex had called him in a desperate attempt to try and hurt me, any way he could. Also, I had not asked for the return of any of the thousands of dollars worth of jewelry that I had given him in the past year.

So, yes. N's and BPD's are notorious for using any method to harass, intimidate, defame, smear or hurt those of us who are no longer giving them NS or taking their abuse. You are not alone. I believe this is VERY common and expect to see others, posting on this thread.

- Strong

August 12, 2006
7:03 am
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nvr2late
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Strong and grace....
I am dealing with the court system with TWO of these N's..it used to be intimidating...until I realized that is the 'strategy' they used.

it is almost 'win at ANY cost'...
and yes, a BIG RED FLAG is how they treated their ex's.

but knowing FULL WELL that my stbx's new g/f will never listen to me, and will go along her merry way until she has to deal with his wrath.

my stbx did the same thing with my family, with all our friends, with the kids...
he USED them to try and get them on 'his side' he HATES that there are people that do not like him.
HATES it!

and these are the same people that have to deal with him in the community.

he is all alone in his actions, I have taken the high road...
and now it comes out that people have always wondered about him..said they always thought he was 'sneaky'.
good thing, these are the people I have to deal with at the kids school..because he acted like 'super dad' for awhile and now is dropping out of the picture.

and my stbx also wanted jewelery back that he gave me during our 15 year marriage...including the wedding ring.
too funny!
He said it was worth $8K...I told him to give me the $8K and he could have it!
I have heard nothing since on the jewelery.

or my new house that he wants 1/2 of...it is not in my name, because of that....
or 1/2 my new stuff in my house...which when he kicked me out with nothing, I had to get...
so I told him...you can have 1/2 of the stuff in my house, along with 1/2 of the bills.

heard nothing since on that either.

but in the divorce settlement we are trying to get..I am taking NOTHING that was our marital property...and I am taking a student loan of mine that was taken in the middle of our marriage.

but he will fight to the death of himself that I get NOTHING!
I think he is starting to realize that it will not happen that way and if we go to court I will get 50% which will put him in a bad position.

but that does not stop him and his N-lawyer from using the kids as leverage.
saying he will go for full custody because he cannot afford our house.
I said...'I could not afford it either' so cry me a river!

once the judge sees that he is using $$ and the kids to threaten me, I would hope that it will be known what kind of damage he is doing to the kids.

I will stop rambling...but one thing is for certain...
N's mess up OUR lives...and our kids.

whether it is the parent of the kids or a lawyer that has NEVER met the kids and just loves to make $$!

nvr

August 12, 2006
9:09 am
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StronginHim77
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So, he tried to get YOUR jewelry, too...what is it with these N's and jewelry? I believe they do it to (1) demonstrate their "control" over us; & (2) to personally hurt us. My ex-fiance used to demand the ring back, every time he cycled into one of his BPD/N rages. I would just wait calmly for a day or two, until he came out of the rage and showed remorse. Then, he would admit to me that he had "just been trying to hurt me." They have a big thing about punishing those who oppose them, too. It's all about vindictiveness and control.

Glad you stuck to your guns. I hope you have a very sharp lawyer.

August 12, 2006
9:09 am
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So, he tried to get YOUR jewelry, too...what is it with these N's and jewelry? I believe they do it to (1) demonstrate their "control" over us; & (2) to personally hurt us. My ex-fiance used to demand the ring back, every time he cycled into one of his BPD/N rages. I would just wait calmly for a day or two, until he came out of the rage and showed remorse. Then, he would admit to me that he had "just been trying to hurt me." They have a big thing about punishing those who oppose them, too. It's all about vindictiveness and control.

Glad you stuck to your guns. I hope you have a very sharp lawyer.

August 12, 2006
1:45 pm
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Ah, man, I wrote a big thing and went to post, and the mouse on this puter is all screwed up.

I'll share my experience with my N-monster- will post again later. Divorced him 9 years ago. Last time we were in court was 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Guess that pretty well sums it up.

free

August 12, 2006
3:09 pm
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free....holy smoke. Divorced 9 years and still battling stupid stuph out in court? Yup. That sounds like an N. I am so sorry you are going thru it. Did you have children together?

August 12, 2006
3:20 pm
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nvr2late, is that book you recommended, Emotional Resilience, by David Viscott?

That reminds me of the "n" I was engaged to. He made a big deal about returning the engagement ring. He had picked out a big and bulky ring. I don't remember having much input on this, didn't really like it, and he insisted on it being returned. I decided to return it. I was only in my mid-20's, and was just starting on my "n"-ucation.

Yes, I think there is value is taking the high road. When it came to x-fiance and x-teacher, I found that keeping my integrity as much as possible went a long way, although in some ways I did compromise my integrity for a short time. My x-fiance had manipulated things when I decided to dump him to alienate me from my friends, throw at party and my best friend's at the time apartment and didn't invite me. I lived in the same building. He ended up stealing an heirloom chest from another friend. Eventually the truth came out and we shared lies, manipulations of ex-f, although these friendships kind of bulked under the strain of all of this.

Taking the high road -- same with ex-t. Communications were always friendly and non-attacking I ended up contacting mutual acquaintances. Turned they all had a good take on t's harsh behavior but were walking on eggshells too. They became my support team, mostly men too. Ex-t was not fooling anyone, although she would not know this personally because she is "always right" and everyone has to agree 100% to be in her good graces. And history of initiating lawsuits never won or dropped -- quite a track record. A lot of that is public information.

Big truth: Our friends and acquaintances generally know the truth and will share it about another's behavior and be of support.

August 12, 2006
3:36 pm
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grace..
yes, that is the book..I LOVE it and it is a library book...I almost want to keep it! šŸ™‚

I don't get the jewelery either...you might be right...they bought it for us...why should WE be allowed to keep it...but in my case..I paid for most of it.
so, go right ahead and pay me for it!

maybe he is worried that I will pawn it?
maybe I will!
or keep it for my daughter.

our friend DO know the truth...at least about us...
he made all our friends think differently of him..win at all costs.

but the kids suffer. and he does not care at all!

free...9 years divorced and still in court...yikes yikes yikes!

I have a feeling I know what is in store for me!
although...maybe he will get the picture..the kids don't want to be with him..
and he will move off somewhere else and make someone else miserable!
I can only hope!

nvr

August 12, 2006
4:40 pm
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nvr2late,

Thanks for the book info, and you can get it in paperback for next to nothing on Amazon.

I think the legal system is a haven for "n"'s, etc. Just think of these concepts: I'm right, you're wrong. You are going to be punished for what you did. I'm going to exercise my power over you and threaten to sue you, throw you in jail, etc and "we" are keeping records of everything you do in our files. I called the cops. I'm going to get back at you and file a lawsuit. I win, you lose. You're going to pay for this. Its just a version of stepping up the smear campaign to personal attacks. I have no idea why I am lol writing this. I guess I finally see this all for what it is.

It has nothing to do with the human values of empathy, forgiveness (the true "f" word for an N), working things out, admitting wrongs. Three major "n"'s in my life and they are used this legal stuff as a power thing. Healthy people just wouldn't dream of doing any of this. Healthy people may have one or two justified legal actions in their lifetime (and probably n's related too"). That's about it and that's my history. I'm planning on spending the rest of my life around healthier people and never, never compromising myself the way I did before.

August 12, 2006
6:07 pm
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grace,
yes, you are right...it is nothing about feeling ANYTHING for the people they say they 'love' which my stbx still tells me...if that is LOVE, his HATE really scares me!

when he cannot get to me...he threatens the legal system..which I think you are right..it is their haven..and they know that they can lie lie lie and never ever have to pay for it.
even if the court repramands them, they get their way out of it!

I have never met somone so mean to me and the kids and HE is the one that was suppose to protect us!
I hope that someone puts him in his place...and does not allow him to ruin the kids.
one of the last exchanges with him was him telling me in front of the kids that I take my own risk walking away from him..that I am in contempt of court and they will throw the book at me....

I looked at him and said...'they will do what they have to do'
I have not heard anything else about that...

or when we get into an email on the kids...he starts copying his lawyer.
how are you suppose to co-parent like that?

they don't see it, they like the drama..

and they tend to destroy themselves, is what I have heard...financially, emotionally...
I cannot wait for that moment!

nvr

August 13, 2006
3:08 am
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hey nvr

let him copy his lawyer. The lawyer will charge him time for reading it.

My N-monster destroyed himself, but not completely. He found somebody and married into money. Tis what they do. They're parasites. Your N-monster will destroy you as well, if you let him.

We have kids, so we are connected. He uses that. Even married, he does not let up. and the new wife- stands behind him. I guess that's to be expected. She's become part of the problem.

How do you co-parent? I've been doing this for 9 years. It's really, really hard. It'll drive you absolutely bonkers if you let it. I don't negotiate anymore. I make a decision and that's it. He has to take me to court if he doesn't like it. And he does. But I've got his number now- I stay so calm in court, rational, think before I speak, etc., and he goes bonkers. Last time in court he even hollered out "That was and EXPIRED court order!" with his attorney right next to him. Another time my attorney said something and he hollers "That's a LIE!" It's hilarious. One time I started laughing (quietly of course) and he got up and walked out of the courtroom.

My N-monster has created his own version of the definition "pain in the butt."

I could go on and on, like I said, been 9 years. My youngest is only 10. So we've a little ways to go.

Since you're just divorcing, he's going to get visitation, period. Unless they are about 12 or older, and they MAY have a say.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: google Parental Alienation Syndrome. He's likely to accuse you of it. You MUST be careful of what you say around your kids, and you MUST not be against visitation unless there is tangible proof of physical or sexual abuse. PAS is a bunch of crap, but N-monsters use it, and everybody in the court system has heard of it, and many in the court system don't buy it, but many do. You don't know if your judge does or not, and you don't know if the psychological evaluator buys it or not. So BE AWARE of it, and do what you can to not give him ammunition. Psychological evaluators favor the parent who is most likely to encourage a relationship with the other parent.

Don't use the words "they don't want to see him." Use words like "the kids are struggling right now, but hopefully when things settle down a healthy relationship with their father will develop."

Keep your cool in all custody hearings, evaluations, meetings, mediation, etc., if you have to go get a prescription for xanax or some anti-anxiety med, then do it.

N-monsters can drive you to some pretty serious anxiety and depression. They are parasites of the worst kind, and you have kids together. He will so use that to hurt you and bring you down. Don't be afraid to get your buns into a doctor and get on depression meds and/or anxiety meds if things get tough to handle. Big Tip: don't tell anybody. I do mean anybody. It's none of their business, and your medical records are none of their business either. It's really no different than taking Ibuprofen for a headache. But if he gets a hold of that, then he will use it to declare you psychologically unstable.

Custody battles with an N-monster are UGLY, but do-able if you find a support system.

The best way to "beat" you N-monster is to find happiness. I went Hawaii and my N-monster went absolutely berserk. My response: why shouldn't I take a vacation, I needed it, and our children were with their father, who, last I heard, was perfectly capable of caring for them. So what's the big tadoo about?" That was the end of that one. But I got my laugh out of it.

You take care. N-monsters can become dangerous as well.

free

August 13, 2006
7:48 am
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Free...
thank you for the words of wisdom!
I don't think I can be accused of PAS...he does see the kids...as of right now we have 50/50 custody.
Although he is weird when I call his cell to talk to the kids...he makes it sound SO exciting that MOMMY is on the phone..
when the kids are with me, they don't want to call him and I don't say anything one way or the other.
my daughter is 12...she knows, she sees...she has told me that he has a drinking problem.

and she sure does not want to be with him full time, actually she has been saying that she would like to be with ME all the time..
he has their dogs and a bunny though.
that is the ONLY thing holding her back.

My son is 6 so he does not get a say and he loves me so much and gets the emotional part from me.
he knows his dad cannot do that.
it is truly sad.

I will let things run its course, we might be going back for custody of the kids, but not by my choice..his and his lawyers for holding the parenting agreement over my head for 2 years.
they never get it 'quite right' and when they do, they don't give it to me and then say he will go for full custody.
he cannot have them all the time...he works a hour away..and I work from home.
interesting that during the divorce, I got a promotion for work...within a MONTH they had my new boss in for a deposition..how embarrassing...
they thought that they were holding back a raise until after the divorce..
I work for a HUGE medical company..
what do they care about my divorce???
and I wanted more $$ that I was not given...it was not like I did not try!

I can totally see my stbx in court..
outbursts, especially when embarrassed.
or ridiculed.
I do keep my calm and as for medication...I don't believe I need it, believe me...if I did not need it when he made me homeless with no where to go...
then I don't need it now in my new house.

that drives him nuts too..that I am doing so well...I think he wanted me to come crawling back to him.
that will not happen.

I think I have met the devil...
and he does not scare me anymore!

good for you...going to Hawaii!
I am leaving for San Antonio today..that makes him mad too...that I get to travel for work.

he is all alone in his actions.

nvr

August 13, 2006
1:09 pm
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free and nvr2late,

Both of you just seem to be dealing with these realities so well. Right, I don't think they can stand it if you are doing well.

I started this thread, and have been keeping up with this and thinking more about legal threats, even to the point of laughing about how ridiculous this can get and how I gave some much power to their accusations, even though I thought I did do this. On the surface I didn't, but I did. But, as in your cases, I have been the one who is calmly getting on in life. I heard recently about another blow up ex-t had, the guy at my old job continues to make offensive comments and create drama. But I am growing, learning, more calm than I have ever been and going for my dreams.

It was a breakthrough for me yesterday when I had one of those ah-ha experiences and realized what a bunch of crock these legal threats have been. No substance at all. Even an attorney told me that. But, I realized that I have been living for so long with this subtle undercurrent of fear that "something" is going to happen, someone's going to knock at my door about something, that, truly, it has been damaging to me. Yesterday, I let go of all of this and it was so freeing. I no longer fear any of this. In fact, let "them" knock at my door, so to speak. I have nothing to hide. I have been upfront and I have been in No Contact for over a month. If ex-t came knocking it would only vertify for me that the purpose was to create drama, which ex-t seems to like. Ex-abusive co-worker -- he had to sign a legal agreement to stop gossiping about me and the fabricated situation that got me fired. I really had some kind of breakthru yesterday. I just feel so much safer now. This is really going to make a difference from now on.

August 13, 2006
10:27 pm
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grace...you gave ME a breakthrough!!!
why am I giving so much power to accusations??? especially THEIRS????
why would I believe what they have said about me?

you start thinking that you are crazy like they say..or a bad mother..or a bad person...or a bad..whatever they want to say about you at the moment!

I am getting better at not believing it.
but it is still tough and you do question yourself.

it gets better but then when they are mad, you feel like you have taken a couple steps backwards!

I hope all my steps go forward..I don't need the crap anymore!
šŸ™‚

nvr

August 14, 2006
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I wish I could accept the kudos. nvr, you definitely did a hell of alot better than I- I was never homeless, but I definitely fell into a really desperate and strange state of mind. As for the kudos- I'm dealing with it well now kuz I've been dealing with it for so long. It gets easier with time.

What's actually kind of sad is that my "normal" is different from others who don't have an N-monster in their lives.

It's the way it is. So I'm rather creful who I talk with about what's "normal" to me, and for me and the kids.

Generally people's response is along the lines of how he can't do that, and he could be arrested for that, and how I could sue him for this and how tha'ts against the law.

Well......

N-monsters are usually very smart individuals, high IQ's. They learn quickly.

And.....

He CAN do that, and he WON"T be arrested for that, and YES I can sue him but it'll cost a fortune and he will not have to pay attorney fees- that's such a load of crap, and YEP it's against the law but SO? Who's gonna enforce it?

Nobody for the most part. It's all just a big game.

Now I don't mean to come off as helpless, or in victim mode. What I'm trying to say is that the only person who can really do anything about N-monsters is the victim. There is nobody out there who can conduct any kind of rescue until- it gets really serious. That happened in my case.

free

August 14, 2006
6:38 am
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free..
I am not so sure about their high IQ's!
but they are experts at being sneaky and turning everything around on the other person!

but it is true that YOU feel like a criminal...their words are like knives...
you question things you have done..and you wonder what you did to deserve the treatment that you are getting...for someone close to you to try to destroy you...
it really is an unbelievable thought!

but we can make it through this...I know that.
and we are better people for it, and we have learned...

life is not always fair, but we still are people and we still have rights and we still have our honor and dignity.

and our kids.

and hopefully for your sake, you don't have to deal with the crap anymore, and I only have to deal with what my stbx does to the kids...
and getting away from it helps me to be strong for them!

stay strong, we have gone through hell and back.
it cannot get any worse than that!

I hope not anyway! šŸ™‚

nvr

August 14, 2006
1:40 pm
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free,

Yes, you really said it the way it is, and yes, I totally get that you're not trying to be the victim here. You said smething like yes, they can do it, its not really legal, but it costs a fortune to sue in court. That is so true of the "n" that got me fired from a job I did very very well. He started by raising doubts with the new manager. The previous manager had given me a promotion and 14% raise. I had a higher level position than him. I did my job so well, I had it down, I was topped out at my hiring level. Most of the vendors and clients loved me, they even called me up to tell me what a kind, patient and effective person I was to work with and what a jerk n was after this happened.

There was some other miserable coworker who hated her job that colluded with him to make up a story about me that management bought. I still, years later, hear stories about n from friends I stay in contact with. He is rude, he is disruptive, his behavior even brought one of my friends to tears several time. He doesn't organize and get his work done, no one wants him working in the unit. But he knows how to kiss up to the manager, who he taught to hate me.

I spent thousands of dollars defending myself and trying to get things righted. In the end, the other side attempted to make this my fault, but I never bought it. I remember going to this deposition expecting a money settlement and I got nothing in the way of settlemtn. Had to settle for a written agreement we both signed. At least I got some things I wanted from that agreement, he had to sign that he would keep his big mouth shut. It was a real eye opener the way this system works.

It has been so helpful writing about this and writing from the truth. There's something about writing and letting other people own their bad behavior, not have it own me.

In truth, I was planning on leaving this job in September and I got kicked out in January. I collected maximum unemployment for six months and took a break, started new projects. It wasn't bad. I never was really that upset about losing the job, but I was furious at the lies this n was spreading about me, trying to smear my good reputation. But the truth is that I had a good reputation and he did not and still does not, so again, the truth will eventually get out and there are no formal records at the company that would give any indication of me being fired. I voluntarily quit per the legal agreement. In fact, I was so surprised at the nice things people said to me and about me. It took almost all the sting out of this.

August 16, 2006
8:04 am
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nvr2late
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grace..
that really is terrible the way you were treated.
it makes you sad to think what could have happened not to have that person in your life.

my stbx did the same thing...because of our divorce..I had received a promotion from my company and one MONTH into it, pulled my new boss in for a deposition. Because I work for a major company, the lawyer fought my stbx's lawyer...but in the end my HR person and my boss had to go in.
talk about raising doubts!

good thing they were understanding and did it and were hoping that would be the end and I could move on.
nope. the N and his N-lawyer STILL have dragged this on another year.

doesn't he have better things to do with my kids $$?????

well, anyway...I hope to move on soon from this and put it behind me.
and be able to focus on my new job and new life.
I should THANK him for showing me what I could actually do and how I can live a good life without him.

let them see how we are doing and that no one can destroy us!!!
we are good people that have dealt with things that we don't understand.

if we DID understand, it would mean going to the DARK SIDE of a n's mind.
I NEVER want to go there!

scary dealing with the outside stuff of the N's...much less going into their minds and seeing evil.

I have to keep telling myself that this is only temporary..
but what a waste of $$ and 2 and 1/2 years!

I will not waste another minute being concerned in anyway about that man!

nvr

August 17, 2006
3:48 pm
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hi...
I was just contacted by my lawyer that is sending a motion to the judge in my divorce case..

calling it extortion...

that my stbx's lawyer keeps threatening me with a custody battle if I don't take less for the property division..

and to think...I was just calling it BLACKMAIL

maybe the judge will listen to extortion!

nvr

August 17, 2006
4:53 pm
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free
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nvr,

I hate to tell you this.

You're gonna go bankrupt. You're gonna have the custody battle even if you do settle.

Bankruptcy is not so bad.

You're dealing with an N, and that means that no matter what you give, it will never be enough.

I gave up all property assets that my ex wanted, even waived alimony and retirement.

Still a custody battle. Still motions to increase visitation every single year. Ya see, nvr, what nobody is telling you is that division of property is entirely separate from custody and visitation. Even if he were to give you primary custody right now, one year from now he can file to change that or increase visitation. A "binding" verbal agreement is not binding at all. He only needs to claim that a change of circumstance has taken place to get your but in court, and he will find many of them in the years to come.

You're gonna do what you think is best, but my advice is to stick to the word no. You drew your boundaries. Change them and that sends a huge message to an N-monster.

hugs to you

free

August 17, 2006
5:07 pm
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nvr2late
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Free...
yes, I know that he will not be happy until we are both out of $$.
I hope it does not go to a custody battle...I would hope that the judge would see enough of what he is doing to the kids and say ENOUGH!!!

but I know that will probably not happen...they are totally different issues..custody and property...and THEY are using it as ONE..
threatening they will go for full custody because he cannot afford to stay in the house with my property settlement.

how can that happen..and how can I LET that happen...
he chose to stay in the house, I was thrown out of my house.

I have built a new house, under my step-father's name, because they wanted 1/2 of it.
you are right to say NO..and that is what I am doing.

NO to hurting my kids in his sick game playing.

if I go bankrupt...it will be because of him and him alone.

he would rather do that then settle on 50/50 like my state says...

I have already come down as far as I can...
JUST so he can stay in the house.

now the fact is he is using the kids...
and everyone has to see that.

it is not fair to them, and I need to fight for them..they cannot do it themselves and they are already having issues because of what he is doing.

thank you again..
I am trying to stay focused on the kids.
that is what is really important in this divorce.

nvr

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