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Now you know the red flags on dating, what are you going to do??
April 20, 2007
1:35 pm
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atalose
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Sininho posted a thread called Red Flags on Dating. It was great information, very informative.
I ask those who recognize red flags in there own relationships right now, what will you do now?
What are your thoughts on seeing red flags regarding the one you are dating, in love with or planning on marrying or are married to?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 20, 2007
2:03 pm
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StronginHim77
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Good question. I red that thread and was amazed that my abusive husband did not exhibit ANY of those red flags while he was courting me. Then, three of them emerged, shortly after the wedding. But absolutely NONE, prior to the marriage. Has anyone else experienced that? NO RED FLAGS???

- Ma Strong

April 20, 2007
2:18 pm
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Loralei
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Strong,

I think the red flag that most of us saw was the rush to get married after knowing each other for such a brief period of time. Even the talk of marriage so soon is a red flag. And men are usually dragging their feet on this subject so he was going against the norm. It takes a long time to really get to know someone. People do change after they marry because the relationship takes on a new sense of committment and often of "ownership." So you can't predict everything. But had you dated him and hung out with him for a much longer time period, he probably couldn't have kept his real self totally hidden. That being said, all relationships are a crap shoot.

April 20, 2007
3:26 pm
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fantas
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atalose, I read that thread and went to the site and there is list of green flags for the healthy guys. Basically, I will not date anyone before we have developed a friendship and before I have hang around his friends and he mine, as friends. I no longer aim to please the man like I used to. I am just me and I let him get to see me in my natural sorroundings. My warning flag is when I see a guy and I have all those strong emotions even before I know him. That is my cue to run and not look back. Unfortunately I haven't met any healthy ones yet. So I am a lone ranger and loving it:)

April 20, 2007
3:43 pm
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lettingo
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fantas,
That is totally now I view relationships. What I thought was the Wow, love at first sight is now Wow, I better turn around and run the other way!!! I totally get wehat you are saying about this. Guys that are bad for me, I seem to get hooked very early on. I too am pretty much a lone ranger and feel safer until I can work through my codependancy issues.

April 20, 2007
4:01 pm
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atalose
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Ma Strong - How long did you date him before you married him?

Loralei - I think you hit the nail on the head exactely, rusing into a marriage or relationship doesn't give either person a chance to fully get to know one another.

Fantas & lettinggo, its so nice to hear you are both able to see your own red flags in your own behavior, you will save yourselfs so much heartache because of that. It's also great to see not just blaming the other person with the red flags but knowing your own, I'm proud of you both!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 20, 2007
7:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Well, what Ill do since Im single is to keep the list at a reachable place 😀

April 20, 2007
8:29 pm
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StronginHim77
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Atalose -

We dated for two months. He is 61. I

April 20, 2007
8:31 pm
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StronginHim77
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shoot...hit "SEND" too fast

He is 61; I am 56. I think I overlooked the guidelines for dating for a long stretch, due to our ages.

Now I am reaping the consequences of that unwise decision.

- Ma

April 20, 2007
8:59 pm
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healintime
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Hi guys,

I looked at that red flag list and my last relationship was with a man who turned out to be completely toxic but showed almost none of those signs. For example, he wasn't lax about his appearance - he was -obsessed- with the gym and exercised two hours a day. Which I know now was part of a) his narcissism and b) his need to be in complete control - even of his own body.

He was financially well off - but talked often about how he had "paid for everything" in his previous relationship - again, I'm sure that he did but I'm also sure that he used that as a controlling mechanism, too. Towards the end he would give me updates on how much it had cost him to call me on a monthly basis - inference "look what I'm spending on you." Nice guy.

Best red flag list I have ever seen was in Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That." Does anyone have the book? I got it from the library but have been keeping an eye out for my own copy and haven't seen it in any bookstores.

H x

April 20, 2007
9:03 pm
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bevdee
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Healintime

Hey you can order used books( in good condition) from alibris

http://www.alibris.com/

Bevdee

April 20, 2007
9:03 pm
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hi healin

the Bancroft book is excellent. I can't remember if I bought my copy from a bookstore or ordered it from Amazon - but I'm pretty sure you should be able to get it from Amazon (Amazon.co.uk in your case, I suppose)

Good luck; it's a great resource to have on hand!

April 21, 2007
1:51 am
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fantas
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Atalose,
Thank you so much . It has taken a lot of work for the blinders to come off. And most times they stay off.

April 24, 2007
11:36 am
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atalose
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I think moving to quickly and rushing the relationship while in the fascination stage is why many don't see those red flags. They don't see them while looking ahead only when looking back.
I also think too many people just settle, they settle out of fear and loneliness. They get married and still feel alone in the marriage and soon see those red flags flying.
I also think many people do see those red flags prior to marriage and dismiss them thinking marriage in it self will change the other person. Then the thinking of adding children to this will also some how change that other person, make them be a good father or mother and partner. And all that happens are we adding to the already dysfunctional mess.
Most people I talk with about the red flags, either didn’t date for a long period of time or were very young when they got married. Some even stated they know they are needy and desperate and settled for what ever they could get and ended up with one hugh pile of regrets and remorse.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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