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Now that it is out....what do I do with all the emotions that come with???
August 30, 2007
11:56 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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So, due to the events of my past couple of weeks, I FINALLY wrote out what happened to me when I was a kid. I had NEVER told anyone the details of my sexual abuse. EVER. My therapist talked me into it for good reason I think, but it isn't making it easy. It has been 13 years since the last time that I was raped. Yet, I had never told a soul. I was scared and I was ashamed. I did not want to feel all of those feelings. I worried what other people would think. And I still do. I wrote it all out on Monday night, and sent it to him. I also posted it here. I wonder if that wasn't the wrong thing to do as well. Though, I want to feel safe in doing that, I don't. I worry about who I hurt, or who thinks I didn't fight it....whatever. I am so insecure. I thought that it hurt to keep it all in. All I was keeping in was the facts. Or so I thought. NOW, the problem is this...I, in order to type it all out, basically relived it all in ways that I haven't in a LONG time. SO now, I am angry, I am hurt, I am sad, I am ashamed, I am frustrated, I am feeling guilty, and everything else. It was almost easier to keep it all in. I know that this probably doesn't make sense...yet, I can't let it go. I can't set it aside.

I don't want to be sorry that I told it. How do I make this go away? All my life, i felt like I had to keep it in. NOW...I let it all out...so that it didn't destroy me, and I am dying inside. I feel like I am about to explode with negative emotions. It is consuming me. I can't do this...I have four kids to take care of and a husband to care for as well.

Any helpful ideas out there??

August 30, 2007
12:00 pm
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Anonymous
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What I am doing myself is taking time alone, allowing myself to cry and making a point to allow that without feeling guilty, weak or ashamed in doing so...it has to come out or else it harms your mind and body, as you prolly know here, so find a place and a time to allow your feeings and tears to come. That is what I am doing this am, i am alone for the first time since i been trigged with ptsd...I am trying to allow myself to cry without holding it back, as usual...for a log time I been numb and unable to cry or even allow myself to go through it, I see know i can't run away from it, I must face it head on and I will..so will you, your be ok, in time things do get a bit better...not tomorrow or even next week but maybe months from now it will not all seem so psinful. My best to you and be well, safe hugs too:)

August 30, 2007
1:35 pm
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fantas
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Scared, Good for you. You have come this far. I too had to do this so I understand all the feelings and fears. Like Survivor said, take the time to ride this wave. There is no other way but to go through it now. You have kept it all in but now it's time to free yourself from the guilt,shame, anger, fear, and all those other feeling.

Feel the feelings, journal about what you are feeling, take walks, talk to your therapist, join support groups if you can. Be gentle and kind with yourself. It wont feel like this forever do hang in there.

Keep posted.

August 30, 2007
3:30 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks ladies. I just think that I have hit a record low for me in quite some time. I will be ok...somehow, someway. I appreciate your support. Truly I do. I just got to find a way out of this....and I have to do it quick.

August 30, 2007
10:22 pm
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chelonia mydas
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((((Mich))))

Have you ever gone white water rafting? I hope you have or this analogy may not help.

When I have had similar experiences it helped me greatly to imagine that life is like riding down a river, some moments were calm and easier to navigate, some more turbulent. And times like what you are going through are like hitting class V rapids where you get soaked and its all you can do to stay on the raft, sometimes you fall out and have to catch the raft again, but eventually you get through and river calms a bit and it isn't such a struggle. When you hit rapids like that there is nothing you can do to make them calm down... all you do is hold on as best you can and get through it moment by moment. Each minute, hour, day, week brings you further through this rough spot in life. Nothing is forever... you will get through this.

Keep posting we are here for you.

Hugs and comfort, Chelonia

August 30, 2007
10:38 pm
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Anonymous
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August 30, 2007
10:45 pm
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Anonymous
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Oops, hit send...

Scared, Ive followed some of your story from the beginning and at times it was too much for me. I am in awe that you have come so far. I dont have a story like yours but putting myself in your place at times it seemed you werent going to rise above the waves. Now, though the waves are wild, youre hanging in there! Very brave, very honest, very daring, very trusty, very confident and, oh, so insightful. You did your work preparing for this ride. And ride it out you will! Hugs to you!

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