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now my EX husband died
August 7, 2005
8:15 pm
forever and a day
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
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WOW !!!! Just when you think it is safe to come out of the water!!! This is taking my by such a suprise. Not that my Ex husband finally died, he had been near death for years now. He was a herion addict alcholic with hep.c and (pardon my spelling}infizema??? I am sure there were a few others as well. You get the idea.

Anyhow I dont know if I mentioned this before but he used to be Matts best friend many years ago. This was how I actually met Matt. Matt and I were always good friends and Matt would always help me when it came to my ex and would "straighten him out" for me. My ex was extremely abusive and came close to killing me more than once. I had tried for years to get away from him but either is mother or some other situation always led him right back to me no matter how many states I put between us.

Ironically. Matt was the one who finally put the distance between me and his family controlling me and then, finally I realized just why I was to stay in that life for so long. {except now I have new doubts)

Matt was not able to have children of his own and at the time I finally got away, my youngest was 2 months old.. If he had taken me away from that life when he wanted to many years before. He would have never been the wonderful father that he was to what he knew was his very own daughters that he could never have loved any more than he had. Funny thing is, My younges daughter who is 16 calls her bio father "the sperm donor".

But the thing I dont understand is that even though I feel relief that he is no longer living and suffering. It is bringing back a flood of supressed emotions that I care not to deal with at this point and time in my life. I have enough emotional baggage to deal with and dont need this right now.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD years ago and I feel blessed to have had Matt be so calm and patient with me and work with me through most of this crap. At least so I thought. One good thing about this was that Matt, unlike most other new spouses new first hand what it was really like for me to have been with him and had known personally what he has done and was capable of doing even long before I was in the picture. Believe me this was such a big help. I was really lucky.

But now I feel all those emotions comming back to me and dont really know what I should really be feeling right now.. Its not like I had any feelings for him or anything. I cant even really say that I even cared enough to hate him anymore. So why all the flashbacks all the sudden..

It even gets better.. My 18 yr daughter. The one who says how she hates me and I am so bad and all... Takes it upon herself to withhold this information which she had known about long enough to at least be there when the man died, from her younger sister for 3 days before finally telling her about it. She really didnt care about it but she did get quite upset about not being able to have been given the chance to have made that decision on her own whether or not she wanted to be there with him.

What blows me down is what would she even be doing with this man that she claims she has memories of all the abuse he had done to her when she was a baby. She said that he was the worst person to ever have lived. But she has the balls to go and be with him on his death bed but she wont even as much as give me, her mother the time of day. And actually told her sister that she was trying to see how far she could push me before I went over the edge and tried to kill myself.. And has done a whole list of damaging things to hurt me since Matt died. So whats up with that and how am I supposed to feel about all this.. I am so confused and maybe just a bit angry.

I still dont know where I fit in to all this and what to do with it all. I just want to live my own life the way I see fit and to each his own. live and let life. let it go and live my own life my own way. what is so wrong with that?

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