Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
nothing compares
October 23, 2001
3:11 pm
Avatar
caron car
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm new here. Have already asked contacts from other codependents: thanks Molly, for your thoughts.

The real problem for me is a man I saw for several years who criticised me constantly about my weight, spending, (you name it he had something to say about it), but our sex life was out of this world. Nothing like it before or since. We broke up many times over the 6 or so years (never lived together) and have both sought partners elsewhere. We work in the same area so bump into each other some times and the attraction is still strong for both of us.

What shall I do? A good sex life is for me the foundation of a happy relationship. Do I settle for a man who (though difficult) is open, intelligent and generous (but usually "too tired" for sex; or go back to someone where the sex was dynamite but his controlling behaviour was extremely destructive.

October 23, 2001
3:17 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow? Looks like the only one who can answer this question is - you. You have to live with the consequences of choosing a control freak. But, it seems you are ready to deal with that from reading this.

But, then again - I think we create or bring to us - what we want. Trouble is - we're not honest with ourselves about that - at all. People who end up the scenario you just painted here - are usually people that want to be dominated and who really don't want intimacy in a relationship to begin with. So, I guess you start with looking at - you with the your hands on the steering wheel here and work outward from there.

October 23, 2001
3:28 pm
Avatar
kgirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, caron car
Why is the open, intelligent, generous
guy difficult?
I was in a similar position four years
ago, when I married a wonderful man even though the sexual attraction wasn't great. We have a good marriage
and he has stood by me through some difficult times. Sometimes I wish the
sex was better, but I don't think I just settled for anything. I try to
focus on the good things we share.

October 24, 2001
1:54 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have to cosign the other replies, that was our attraction, we jumped into bed, and that was it. But trust me nothing else worked, and now that he is older, and Willey doensn't always want to come out and play, it has turned into an entirely different set of issues, one more pile of poop.
Its not me, trust me, but I often wonder just how connected these guys are to the little brain. He can't talk about it, sneaking his own remedies, see Viagra, Trust.... His self esteem has apparently been attached to his vigor, so when Willey is gone, and there wasn't much else, what exactly are you left with? Personally I don't get it, yea, sex is really important, but on the scale of 1-10, with trust and respect, communication, bonding, mutual interest, and goals, just where does it really rate for you. In a New York minuet I would turn the clock back, and do it different

October 24, 2001
4:19 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly...I think it's rather difficult to look at someone we "chose" way back when and really look at who they are go - what tha heck was I thinking?

But, at that time....they were oh so charming and everyone's hormones were rocking and rolling and let's face it - sexual attraction was a heck of alot of the ballgame. However....when people grow and gain more and more depth, insight into themselves, life in general...there comes a point that the difference in someone who is on the path and someone who isn't - is drastic. Alarming even....

And there is little you can do with trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole. Ain't going. So, we can all sit around and anaylze "why" it ain't going but the fact remains - all you get is splinters from it.

Some people stay - shallow. They don't grow, don't want to. They make choices and they bear the results of that. He thought with his pecker and here he is saying - where is the little fellow now when I really need him? Go figure...died from over-inflation....just like his waning ego.

Oh darn. And here you sit - faced with - what to do? Well....that's their problem. And yours is - your committment to yourself and your growth and health on all fronts.

Willie isn't cooperating because it's too big of a load of responsibility to put on any one organ to - run the whole show here. His extension - is freaking pooped and so it should be.

Sex really is all in the brain, so if things are rather underdeveloped there - hey, won't be long until the end of the road....comes a-callin'.

Thus the reason for all the toys and pills.... He's been getting through life on his inflated ego for quite some time, looks like and now...time's up. Can he catch up to where you are? I doubt it. Will he try? Maybe. He'll huff and puff and make a good show of it...for a time. Looks to me like it's just another show, but time will tell.

In the meantime - what do you do, just sit around and wait?

October 25, 2001
3:14 pm
Avatar
CaronCar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I guess women of our generation expect it all. We are far more powerful than women of our parents' generation because we have more choice. We don't have to stay in bad marriages or unhealthy relationships because, generally, we can support ourselves financially. As a consequence, if a man doesn't measure up, we move on. I suppose that is what is bugging me really: when to settle for say 60% good, and when to move on. There isn't exactly a stampede to my front door - more an occasional visitor - but how do you know when you have found the right one? Reading your comments, it seems that lust factor is only temporary: it hopefully leads to deeper intimacy over time. But I am hurting at the moment because the guy I am seeing rarely seems interested in sex. (He loves a good cuddle though and is very affectionate and caring). How can it not affect my self-esteem? He says it's just a bad patch and we will be back on board, but it hurts when someone falls asleep on you. I do care about him a lot but am worried that my sexual frustration will drive us apart.

October 25, 2001
3:51 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is just another show, and I know that. I am not just sitting, well sort of until I get a test result on the 29th, but still with eyes wide open. My focus on employment, and geography, not him, I have less than zero hope. My point is I guess, even with Pills situation, there is some sort of paralysis,hypnosis, deaf dumb and blindness, that strikes in those passionate relationships, thus the absence of pain with all the splinters, thus the additional problems, when the penius driven ego, or relationship decides to not be driven. Like if sex is really the issue for a woman, batteries are cheaper than your soul.

October 25, 2001
4:14 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

CaronCar....what I've found to be true alot of times with men is that when they settle in and things become comfortable they are as guilty as any woman of not being that sexual. Not sure what all that is about really. We think we're not that desirable, blah, blah, blah and it whacks at our self esteem, but know - we haven't really changed. We didn't do anything different and things changed on us....

What it symbolizes to me is dishonesty on the man's part of using sex in order to get a comfort zone and I think women can be as guilty when it's all there and then it isn't with a woman. Can go both ways.

But, basically when sex is withdrawn all of a sudden, when it was great - there has to be questions asked. Then it really does start looking like it "was used to lure". That's not cool.

But, both people are guilty here and at the risk of sounding like a prude here I have to say - if we, as women, allow the sexual thing to be center court - then we fall into the court of being fooled and lured - thinking all the time - this is going to be a "constant".

It's typical in nature, you see it all the time, where the males dance, fluff their feathers, etc., etc. and then you're just one of the chickens later...

So, I think women need to be more selective "in the beginning" process of courtship and really "discern" if this is a mating ritual dance or is it a constant part of who they are..

Difficult, but not impossible. Sex denotes "intimacy" and a person willingness to be emotionally as well as physically intimate. If it comes too fast, too easy and too hot, then who in the world can be at themselves enough to be discerning about much of anything except where are we going to do it next?? (smile)

We need to pay attention to the whole ball of wax in the beginning, before - we get roped in and then go - what the hell happened here?

There are red flags, but when hormones rage - we don't see them and that is exactly - the plan...subconscious or otherwise. It's worked for millions of years, we just have to be onto their game and outfox them - being a highly selective species in our own right.

October 25, 2001
4:17 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

P.S. - the people who don't want to be intimate emotionally - will usually always - play up the physical side of sex so that you don't see....that they have this going on. When you see that red flag - you put your hormones in check and go...ya know, let's take this part of our relationship a little bit more slowly - don't you want to "get to know me", know what really makes me tick, know how I am - on a regular basis, what I think, how I feel or respond to certain things. If they hesitate or put the rush on you...step back a few more steps....

Sex is a powerful thing and can be used wrongly - but we are the ones that would be allowing that, right?

October 25, 2001
4:49 pm
Avatar
pill
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How is this guy who continually critizes you different from my man? He has never critisized me and has offered nothing but support for my endeavors. Sure, he has a completely unacceptable past, but that's in the past... this time is different for him. It was ten years ago!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
55 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109260

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

medsherr14, njveczDazy, mountainDazy, IvanaDazy, dfyfDazy, NastyaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer