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note from my ex, who is still alive...sort of- ella
September 16, 2005
9:19 pm
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i guess my ex isn't dead like i thought because he wrote me this two line note, with no return address and no further explaination.

It says "I'm forever with you in my heart and in my mind through an endless maze of longing for answers do you hear me when I cry?" -M

Wha??? I can't hear you if you don't call me mother F***er! I hate his mysterious crap. I was happy for about five seconds then pissed. What the fuck is that? It is postmarked from Westchester county and I imagine he is in rehab there because of the background noise on the voicemail he left previous to this "love note."

Yeah, I still love him. But I keep thinking of these lines from a song that goes "maybe I'm tired, of maybes smashing into cold walls, cutting up my hands, every time I touch you."

But you know what? I give up anyway. I can't even date anyone else at this point. In between love and a hard place- I love him, but I don't exactly want him back. My funk lifts at times and when men are nice to me, instead of feeling good about it and flirting I just want out of the conversation. I can't try and not love this guy any more. I really have to wait for it to die. I'm just impatient. I'm probably a slow learner.

Does anyone ever feel like they have heard every goddamn slogan and cliche already and all there is about this crap? I mean if one more person tells me I just need to love myself more or some such I'm going to open up my window and scream "It's not me i hate it's YOU AND THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD!" I DO want to be treated well, and I DO think I deserve it. I have had healthy relationships in the past. I AM working on all aspects of my health, my life, and my environment. Nothing is working. How can you help loving someone?

I just saw some movie called Personal Velocity that was excellent. On one hand, the movie was about making bad choices and how that is the responsbility of the individual to a large degree. On the other hand, it was a very sympathetic look at why women (or any person) would do things out of love that might end up causing them or others pain.

Anyway, the best stories for me were the first and the last. In the first one while staying in a shelter after being battered by her husband, Kyra Sedgwick says to a "healthier" woman:

"Have you ever loved a man that hit you?"

woman: "no"

..."Get the fuck out my face then!"

and later to her friend who is trying to clean up after her "stop trying to show how you are better than me... I mean LOOK at me."

I don't know why I identified with her. I just did. I am so angry and even angry at people who try to tell me it's all me. Sometimes it's only part me (you, or anyone else). Not everything's as fucking cut and dry as Melody Beatty or Dr. Fucking Phil would want us to believe.

I"m so sorry if I offended anyone. I am in no way talking about anyone here. I needed to vent. Everyone has been so sweet and spoken to me from the bottom of their hearts and experiences. So many have put their time in. That's the sort of thing that counts. It's real.

i love you,
ella

September 16, 2005
10:11 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Sweet Mozarella))))

I am sorry honey you're hurting. You do not deserve that. You're such smart and wise person of whom I benefited a lot.

I recall about your background that your ex had an addiction or drug/alcohol. (please correct me if I'm wrong).

I have not been in situation like that before. However, I can gladly offer you my moral support thru praying to you and him asking God to bring healing and hope to this hard predicament.

BTW: Mozarella is my favorite cheese, I almost eat it on daily basis and I think of you!!! Smiley

(((Hugs)))

September 16, 2005
10:28 pm
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Matteo
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(((ella))) LOL!

I am in such a bad mood today, but your post made me laugh. I am struggling with the same. You may understand the crap someone brings in your life, you may love and appreciate yourself all you want, you may not want them back or even see them, but you don't have a button anywhere to switch off the love you are feeling for them. It is nothing wrong with inability to box your feelings, or push them under the carpet and pretend that they are not there, because it would be better, easier, and more comfortable this way, if they suddenly stop and disappear. I wrote some more about it in "I miss you" post. Read it, maybe you will be able to relate. I understand so well how are you feeling right now, because accidentaly I feel the same today. Nice day, huh? Take care.

September 16, 2005
11:31 pm
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((((Ella)))), I feel this thing you are feeling completely. Theres a technical name for it that escapes me at the moment, but it makes you feel like someone else is banging your head against that brick wall you used to bang your own head against so frequently...and when THEY are doing it it still hurts like hell, but it's so much easier to see the absurdity of the whole fruitless pursuit of this very incomplete person altoghether!!! AURGH, it is agrivating even when it's happening with someone ELSE!!! My heart goes out to you...now sit back, re-read, and LAUGH! This, THIS is the guy you've poured so much into?! People who behave cryptically like this usually leave so much room to read between the lines becasue they don't really have anything interesting to write there anyway!!! Hugs, ef

September 16, 2005
11:55 pm
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Yes, Exotic Flower, this is the guy. But I still love him. Stupid notes and neglect aside. What gives? I think people just love people "they aren't supposed to" because there is no way to "decide" how to feel about someone. That's why I related to that movie so much. You can disect reality all you want, change your behavior, -and while sometimes manipulated to a degree- emotions and feelings have a life of their own.

I cannot laugh at what I wrote. I am really upset and tired of trying all the same shit over and over again. What worked for drugs doesn't work for this. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't care what some people say PEOPLE ARE NOT DRUGS, THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS ADDICTION. I fucking wish it was because I'd get myself some more naltrexone, go to a day program and NA, and move to a different location. That doesn't seem to help in this case. Some feelings you have, even towards "the wrong" people, are genuine.

September 16, 2005
11:57 pm
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(((Rasputin)))

Thanks.

once again, i want to change my nickname.

September 16, 2005
11:59 pm
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Matteo-

Thank you for understanding. But, really, I"m not kidding! I'm pretty angry. I"m glad everyone is getting a smile out of this at least ! Better than you guys thinking I"m a bitch for venting!

-ella

September 16, 2005
11:59 pm
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((((((((((ella)))))))))))

September 17, 2005
12:09 am
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(((((Ella)))))

September 17, 2005
12:10 am
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The thing that bugs me is that I feel like once people aren't in that place in their lives anymore then they go on to forget what it was like. They look at where you are and say "oh you can do just what I did to get out of this." And it's not that simple. There are many reasons besides lack of will that prevent some people from moving on.

Individuals often offer their best in advice. But it is this innundation of the established creed of self healing that is really irking me right now. If you notice there are so many contradictions you are told when you take the "path to wellness" it can just make your head spin. I used to like "Take What YOu Want, Leave The Rest." Well, I took what I wanted and look what happened. There are no answers to any of this other then letting time go by.

My favorite cliche of late is

"To make God laugh: tell him your plans."

-ella

September 17, 2005
12:37 am
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I know what you are talking about, Ella. I have to say that now that its been over 3 years (in my opinion, ridiculous- but that's my life and thats how I've lived it- truly wish I didn't) since my break up, I am not sick about it, I am handling it, but it is still there. I think if he weren't around I would do better, but thats never going to happen so I have to live w/ it. And in your case, he just keeps popping in. Every time he does that, you have to think about him. You can't even control when it will happen as he so random w/ his contact. Its like an unwelcome invasion. In my case, every time I see the jerk at the mailbox or in the driveway I feel like he doesn't belong here- get out of my space! But I can't control that either.

I would say that it is cruel of him to contact you, especially so mysteriously, but he probably doesn't even give it a second thought. He felt the need to send you 2 lines and for some reason that satisfied his need. For whatever reason. I personally would be pretty pissed off.

Now I'm rambling so I'll stop. I hate being stuck and I want to be unstuck. Like you say, it takes time and I know eventually it will fade into nothing. I just want to be there NOW.

September 17, 2005
1:10 am
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sdesigns-

i don't think he is being cruel, because when i hear from him i tell him i love him. so it is me too. i don't believe in playing games. i'm not about to pretend i don't care when i do. i want to hear from him. i want to hear from him more often. what i hate is that i'll hear from him and then he acts like it's okay to let all this time go by.

I really really wish i could love someone else or just cut him off. I tried cutting him off, but it's not what I want. When i am feeling cruel myself I wish I could show him that I have loved someone else, moved on, and don't care about him and that he missed out. But he's a fucking drug addict. It's not like he's trying to show me up, or do it to hurt me, so why should I pretend not to care about him when I do?

Yes, I could change my phone number, screen all my calls again, tell him to fuck off. Where is that gonna get me? I go months without my feelings towards him lessening and my feelings about life just getting more bitter. I'm not the only one in the world this has happened to. Many people go on to have lives bereft of the same level of love they were once able to experience because they lost someone. I hate that it's going to be me. I hate that he is practically dead to me. I hate it.

I don't believe for one minute "when I get my self esteem back" or build it up or whatever, that this will go away. I think by and large, that is a myth. While I think that getting healthy is important, I don't think it minimizes the pain of losing someone in the grand shuffle of the bullshitski of life.

YOu want to hear a major confession? My sister's bf is close to dying, she is never going to see him again, he moved out of state to die with his family. I really don't feel her loss is any greater than mine. Call it a lack of empathy, but I'm not talking about my sympathy towards her boyfriend and HIS pain and eminent death. I'm talking about the absence of someone you care about.

Just because people tell you this person is bad for you or whatever, doesn't make your pain any less valid than if you lost some husband or bf who is a local hero or something. No one else can put a value on the loss of one's own relationship and I guess sometimes that makes me feel the loneliest out of all this. There is that feeling of alienation. Everyone saying in a sense "You just don't know what is good for you, you'll get over it." I'm sure I've said similar dumb things in the struggle to console someone.

September 17, 2005
1:20 am
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mzrella,

I am not kidding, either, I am very, very sad today. I just realized after reading the posts what triggered it. Two days ago I saw him and his partner biking together. They didn't see me, I saw their backs, but his relaxed manner, totally oblivious to my pain, made me angry. For the first time I was angry with him. Is that a progress? That was then but today I am in the dwell of despair, like I wasn't since I started posting here, about three weeks ago. Yes, I think this genie popping out unexpectedly from the bottle triggered this mess. It is so painful I want to scream.

September 17, 2005
1:22 am
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sdesigns-

I didn't get to finish my post to you.
i got confused.

Yeah, he's selfish. But all the obvious faults I see in him don't help to kill this whole thing. I don't know why. He can't that goddamn special! There must be something I see in him, like the goddamn holy grail of men, that if I stay with him I will achieve immortality or something. Don't ask me what. 🙂 I could list good things 'till I"m blue in the face. I still don't get why I put up with things from this guy that I wouldn't dream of putting up with from anyone else. I used to be the queen of intolerance. My sister used to admire that. I'd make good clean breaks when they were REAL assholes too. If they were nice guys and it just didn't work we'd keep it friendly.

anyway, I'm babbling. have no idea how you survive seeing your guy all the time. you must be so strong! i am so NOT prepared to see my ex again. he has a way of sneaking up on me. he might do it five years from now for all i know. but i have a feeling my reaction will be intense.

thanks for reading my bitter rants and responding with hugs.

love,
ella

September 17, 2005
1:24 am
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Matteo,

Sometimes I think the lack of anger is progress, but sometimes I think it's just denial or rationalization to excuse the actions of someone who hurt us. It depends on the situation. Please tell me more about what happened to you.

I will look for your post.

love,
ella

September 17, 2005
1:57 am
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Matteo
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Mzrella,

My story is in "this is a long story" post. Being here helped me a lot, and I wrote about it in Jasmine's post.

I agree with you, this is how I feel about it, that loosing love is a valid feeling, no matter what, no matter who this person is, and what happened, and the time of "getting over" is very individual. And I agree that people are not drugs. The term "addicted to love" is explained as a relationship which is bad for you and you are struggling with thoughts about leaving, but the "stronger" part of you is the one which reasons to stay. This is not my case. I am out. But I still feel the love for him. Only now is more hopeless, because I lost hope for ever being with him. So I don't know really what is worse.

I went to the bookstore, and started looking at self-help books, and I opened one of them. It said there that feeling of "falling in love" is an addiction, supported by quotations from poetry, about wanting and “craving” for the loved one. For heaven's sake, I wouldn't know, because I never used drugs, and I am not a bio chemist either, to know that the same substances are produced in our bodies when we are in love, and when we are craving drugs, like this enlightening book stated. If that is an addiction, I prefer to be a "drug addict" then never feel love for anyone, despite how much pain it might bring if it's not fulfilled. So if I am an addict - so be it! Ha, ha, ha! Not funny.

I think something is wrong here, if we are trying to degrade the most important, and the most beautiful feelings, which make us who we are, which make us sophisticated and complex human beings to the pure chemistry.

September 17, 2005
3:13 am
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Matteo,

Hi. I posted to you on a separate post so you could find it.

-e

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