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Not sure why I'm feeling a little anxious....things have been going pretty well for me
March 6, 2005
7:22 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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I've been sick with the flu and infected tonsils pretty much all week. Maybe that's why I'm feeling a little anxious, or maybe it's because I've decided to cut back on my meds for my mood swings. I'm weaning myself off of them, so it's not like I'm quitting all at once. I'm just tired of taking medication for my moods. I already take meds for my blood pressure, underactive thyroid, iron pills. I need to be able to deal with my moods without drugs - maybe herbal remedies, but no more drugs.

I've been doing pretty well not contacting my ex. I haven't heard from him in awhile now, (can't really tell you how long.....maybe 2 weeks? I lost count). I no longer want to cry when I think of him (which is getting less and less), I can't honestly say I miss him.....but you know how it is - you hear a song, etc. and he might pop into your head.

Before my ex b/f, I was married for 25 years. After we separated, I did what most women do, I went from one relationship to another just to see what's out there. I would say I probably had 2 relationships during that time that caused me alot of pain when we split....one of them being my recent ex....and most of you know how much it hurt and how hard it was for me to let go.

I've been praying, going to CODA meetings and working on myself to try and get over this breakup. I think I have succeeded. Now another "situation" has presented itself. This time my ex-husband. During the time we were separated, he was always the one that wanted us to try and work things out. I wanted no part of it. The past couple of days (we still own a condo together), he has been calling me to discuss the remodel of the condo getting it ready to sell. MAke a long story short, he has been hinting about maybe giving our relationship one more go. We've been spending a lot of time together picking out carpeting, paint, etc. for the condo. And I'm almost tempted to try. I'm comfortable with him now, I'm a much, much stronger person than I was when we split, and I think we could finally have a 50-50 relationship. It would certainly make my daughter happy, and after everything I have gone through, I have to admit, with him I wouldn't have to worry about being left alone. I feel safe.

I could use some insight/opinions from everyone. Is feeling comfortable with someone and caring for them enough for happiness? We don't have the "passion" of new love, but then that never lasts anyway. But we are friends, I do care for him - I just don't think I'm "in" love with him (if that makes sense)....but I'm 51 years old and we have had 25 years together some good the last 5 years of our marriage bad....that's why I left. But now, that I have been able to be own my own for 4 years, I have changed as has he. He is a much kinder, gentler person. He was never physically abusive or anything...we just drifted apart. We stopped working on our marriage.

Any thoughts out there?

March 6, 2005
8:50 am
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hopeful for change
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Well you certainly have a huge bond this with person. What I have found when I have went back, is that at first it's wonderful. But then, I remember exactly why I left. The thing is when you are working through it yourself that's one thing, but the emotional trauma it can do to your child is another. Putting the child back through it, if it doesn't work out.

I would beware. Sometimes, we only remember the good. In my experience, I can remember the good so well. Sometimes, I take out my old journals and reread them because I am in such denial of how bad it was.

This may not be the case for you. It's just everything we do, affects our kids, and when we reunite with one of their parents its scary territory for them, if it don't work out.

Good Luck!!!!

March 6, 2005
2:29 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I guess I should have mentioned that my daughter is 27....so not a kid anymore. She has just always had a difficult time with us divorcing and she has never given up hope that someday we would get back together. She's very close to both of us.

March 6, 2005
2:51 pm
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GullyFoyle
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Even though a lot of my posts seem to indicate that I don't believe that people should get back together. You know, just leave him - life's too short. I do believe that people can change. If the friendship is still there, if the things that are good about each of you is still there, well, then why not?

You just have to make sure that you don't fall back into the old patterns. Continue to grow and develop as separate human beings, individuals. Communicate with each other. Hell, you could try it and see what happens. It may be better than before. No, it had better be better than before or why do it.

Just my thoughts. I am both a pessimist and an eternal optimist. Makes for some confusing times.

Gully

March 6, 2005
3:05 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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You need to trust your instincts and your recovery, so far, enough to make this decision yourself. But, do not do it for your daughter, for him or anyone else. Ask yourself, will this relationship contribute to my spiritual and personal growth, joy and peace.
Blessings and well done!

March 6, 2005
9:28 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Gullyfoyle - Your warning about my falling back into the old patterns is well taken. I totally agree that if I felt like I might go back to being passive, and not expressing my opinions (aka being a doormat), I would not be considering giving this another shot, but I am so positive that I will not regress. And most importantly, HE knows that we could never go back to the way we were. He has seen a counselor and he realizes what his lousy disposition has cost him. I know he won't be perfect (neither will I), but at least when he does slip, it's very short lived because I won't back down and will not allow him to treat me with disrespect. He knows that I would walk again....and this time for good. I too believe that people can change, maybe not 100%, but enough to see the difference in their personality and actions.

Emporersclothes - If I go back, it'll be because I want to....believe me, he has asked so many times before, and I always turned him down. I guess I needed to "find myself" as the cliche goes, but you know what I mean. I had to become my own person, learn to stand up for myself and do what I feel is right....and not worry about someone else's opinion. I think that my last two relationships have taught me (the hard way), that I cannot count on other people to make me happy - I've learned to like being alone for the most part, and I've learned that I am a pretty darn good person. But I'm sure most people would agree that growing old with someone is better than being alone. I feel we are friends and he has shown me respect. We don't always agree, but we can finally agree to disagree....before I always gave in to keep the peace.....and I'll have none that anymore.

I'll take it slow and we'll continue to spend time together and see where it leads. We talk on the phone every day, and I'm not going to be seeing anyone else until I decide which way to go. I feel that's the only way I can truly decide.

March 6, 2005
10:33 pm
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balancesekr
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hi hsb,
maybe go on a few dates together and see how it feels. I think it's fantastic that you have worked on yourself and feel stronger. You mentioned that you aren't seeing anyone else. Maybe you should date around a bit just to see what else is out there that way you don't because too focused on your ex and overly whatever... know what I mean?
I wish you the best whatever you choose.

March 7, 2005
12:44 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks balanceskr for your support-- Actually I have dated while we were separated and finally divorced. Let me tell you, there are a lot of jerks out there.....two of them broke my heart (especially my last relationship of over a year....we were actually getting serious). I had a really hard time with that breakup....as a matter of fact, that's how I came to this site and everyone on here was so supportive!

At this point, I want to just be able to focus on him, instead of muddle my mind with other men at the same time. I'm a one-man kind of woman. I don't do well dating more than one guy at a time. Emotions get confused, etc.

I will be careful though.....I'm going to go very slow with this.

March 7, 2005
6:02 am
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ron9871
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good for you hurts sounds like you have grown a lot and he went to counceling i think its worth a try just go slow i wish you happiness

March 7, 2005
12:33 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks ron for your support. For the first time, in a long time, I feel my future is looking a bit brighter.

March 7, 2005
2:04 pm
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starryslp
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And you so deserve a bright future!!

We love you!!

March 7, 2005
11:44 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thank you so much Starryslp - I love you guys too!

If it wasn't for people like you, I don't know if I would have survived. The support and encouragement on here is fantastic.

I will still visit this site daily to keep up and maybe put in my 2 cents worth. while I don't have any big problem at the present.....I will not forget what everyone here has done for me. And I would like to give back just a little of what you all have given me.

Anyway, I'm getting mushy here...but you know where I'm coming from. 🙂

I will keep you guys posted on my new venture.

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