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Not sure where to start
March 9, 2002
1:02 am
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justrealizing
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I would think that 3 years out of a relationship, already acknowledging that there were codependency issues that I would have taken the time to admit that I had the issues more than anyone involved. Now, after a string of unfulfilling, unsuccessful attempts at other relationships, I can see that it isn't the other people as much as it is my reality and expectations--all of which are apparently skewed. But, besides admitting that I have this condition, what do I do to start correcting it and learning how to be healthy?

March 11, 2002
11:59 am
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Molly
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forget about relationships for a while, and sometimes a long while and simply focus on you. The more complete you are as a person all by your self, the more likely your success with a relationship. Relationships need a strong foundation, and that starts with you, the more whole you are, the more likely you are to attract a whole person.

March 11, 2002
11:30 pm
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gingerleigh
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Molly is absolutely right... gotta be a whole person first before you can form a relationship with another person. What are your dreams? Do you take care of your physical body? How's your career? And dig deeper... do you consider yourself a "moral" person? I don't mean goodie two shoes, I mean do you have morals, do you know where your lines are, what you will accept in your relationships and what you won't? What qualities do you feel that you could always fall back on? Or, what qualities would you always want to fall back on if you could (if you feel they aren't where they should be)? For instance, does being any of the following resonate in you, pluck some fiber of your being?

Honest, hard-working, faithful, patient, understanding, trusting, trustworthy, dependable, a leader, supportive, positive, practical, strong, accepting, innovative... or think up any word that you would like to have describe you, not what you do or what you look like but who you are. Look at that word, or those words. Is that who you are today? If not, what conflicts? A lot of times, conflict in us comes from violating our personal morals or ethics. If we don't know what they are, that just leads to more confusion and unhappiness in us when we go against them. Sort of like receiving an electric shock and not realizing why we were shocked.

This takes time, if you do it right, it takes your whole life *grin*

March 11, 2002
11:36 pm
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time4change
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September 24, 2010
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good stuff ginger!!!

March 12, 2002
3:14 pm
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justrealizing
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Yes, all great feedback. Thanks. I do have qualities that I fall back on and in business or platonic friendships, I feel stable. I do believe that we are all works in progress. I am seeing things from my past that have allowed me to create some of the issues that I have now. Mainly, my parent's divorce and problems that my parent's had--it is coming down to understanding healthy boundaries and, as said by all of you, to focus on myself.
When it comes to romantic relationships, I see myself shunning the people that have healthy boundaries and going toward the more "challenging" people. I see now that I cannot take care of everyone else, that I cannot do things with an expectation of something in return, that I cannot control what they do, and cannot manipulate them to accomplish what doesn't happen naturally.
And I am reading up on all these issues to get into the mindframe of improving myself, to focus on myself and to not feel guilty for not focusing on everyone else.

March 12, 2002
5:08 pm
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Molly
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There you go, great start, it was amazing to me in the beginning of my awareness, that selfish people, my concept of them, seemed to be such damn happy people. At first to me they seemed rigind, structured, self focused, and weren't with the exhaustion that some of us others had, then the light came on. You might get some static from those that have used you for a while, but don't let them drag you down, this is your life, celebrate you, take care of you, live for you, and the rest will fall in place, and more than likely a worthy mate will arrive, right when your ready, if you can fit him in that is.

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