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Not sure what to do...possible separation
February 26, 2004
9:47 am
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sunnymoon
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Hi there, I am new to these boards, have been lurking a little while but this is my first post.

I have recently started some counseling and it has been brought to my attention that I have some co-dependent behaviors. I have been married for almost 7 years now. My husband has been 'downsized' from 2 different computer jobs over the last 2 years, tried starting his own business, and tried selling medical insurance. There have been too many issues to list but to name a few he wouldn't stay home with our 2 small children to help save on daycare even though he was uneployed (he decided to start his own business a week before I was done with maternity leave at 8 weeks so he didn't have to stay home). After the second job loss he got into a funk and was drinking and very depressed. I have come to realize that I have enabled him to do some of these actions because I wasn't assertive or demanding and was always the one that was like 'don't worry it will be ok'.

So things have been slowly spiraling and I started counseling and finally got him to go and now we have gone together 2 times. In the mean time he has been working a temp position but it ends next Friday and he has nothing else lined up. Everything he applies for he barks about because 'it doesn't pay' what his good job he had two years ago did.

Now I after realizing these co-dependent issues I have been trying to put my foot down more and be more assertive and he isn't responding well. Which in return is only making me resent him even more, I have lost respect and trust in him. We talked about him maybe moving out, I just feel like I don't want to worry about him anymore and just take care of me and the kids. Is that normal? Since I have been kinda just doing my own thing and telling him he needs to do this, it isn't about me anymore and I am done helping (I would send him different jobs about every day for him to apply to and got no feedback from him), he has started smothering me and doesn't seem to want to let me out of his site. I ask to do something with friends and all of sudden there are things to do around the house (mind you he is the biggest procrastinator I know) but now all of sudden all of these things are extremely important to him.

And with finances, I have handled everything from day one. Two times I have been at my wits end and handed over the checkbook to him and both times he has failed.

I am just really starting to feel like who is this person and what did I get myself into to? I have a very good support group of family and friends and they all can't believe how supportive and patient I have been. Now I just feel like I want him to go away until he figures his stuff out and can prove to me he has the ability to be responsible. Isn't it possible to separate and get back together? He feels if he leaves I will just divorce him, and that isn't what I am saying!

Anyway just wondering if what I am feeling is normal and if separating would be the best option at this point?

Thanks! A

February 26, 2004
5:40 pm
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Welcome to the board.

I have found much support on here, and I'm sure you will too.

I am in a bit of a similar situation. Hubby and I are in the process of separating. You see, I started therapy on my own since I felt like I was living with a drunk, never knowing what kind of mood he'd be in. I believe he has some type of manic depression or bipolar disorder. I am stuck with all housework, bills, etc because I can't ask him for anything which is making me feel overwhelmed. I had hubby come to one of my therapists visits. My therapist said it boils down to "his order is his disorder". In other words, if things aren't wild, crazy and exciting all the time, then he is bored. She agreed he should take the meds to level him out so he can see what is right in front of him. She also agreed that from speaking with him and from what I have said, he definatly has some type of anxiety problem. (The score is now 1 family doctor and 2 therapists telling him he needs meds, and hubby saying he doesn't have a problem.)

When he dropped the bomb on me now and says he wants to leave me, that's it, get a divorce. He has basically given up on our relationship, doesn't want any more therapy, just wants to move on, saying we've "grown apart". He has no feelings for me anymore, and that I am like a sister to him, not a lover. He has given me every excuse from "you (meaning me) deserve better than me", to calling me a control freak, and he just can't deal with that anymore. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, when he wants to(sounds like Peter Pan to me!) I don't know if he'd be happy in ANY relationship with thinking like this! He says that _I_ need to be more supportive of him, and not tell him he has a problem. My therapist had also told me (privately) that my hubby is very mentally unstable, and unless he does get some help, it would be best for me to end the relationship. She reccommended that we separate to try to work out our issues, there is too much tension with both of us under the same roof. He is supposed to move out this weekend, but I'm sure he'll come up with some excuse why he has to postpone it. (Ironic, eh, he is the one who originally wanted out but I can't get him to leave!)I have really tried to have a healthy, stable relationship but he wants only disorder and craziness. Since now I have become more assertive, and not just going along with whatever he wants, he definately doesn't like that.

Both hubby and I work full time, and it's probably good we don't have kids yet. The “grand plan” was that we would be having kids about this time in our lives. I just turned 30. It is now obvious that this step scared the heck out of him. When we were first married, I did not want to have kids yet. I wanted us to travel, and enjoy each other first before having kids. I honestly did not think I was ready to have kids yet at that time, and feel I made the right decision, and as I said the plan was to have them around this time in our lives. During some of our recent arguments, he told me I would not make a good mother, that our parenting styles are too different. Says he would like to be in a relationship with kids, but just not with me. Total opposite of what he had said in previous years, plus the fact I am really good with kids.

I really love my husband and I know deep down he loves me, but I guess I have done all I can. I have decided to focus on myself now. We have known each other for 9 years, married 7 and that just doesn't seem like something to throw away. I tell him I want my old hubby back, and not this moody SOB that he has become. He says that the old hubby is still there, if only _I_ would be more supportive. I mean, I take meds, and I am not ashamed of it. If I had a heart condition and had to take medicine, I would not be ashamed. Yet he says he still wants to be friends, and even meet up for sex once and awhile after we're divorced (?)

Sorry to ramble, it felt good to talk it all out right now.

Ladyace

February 27, 2004
9:31 am
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sunnymoon
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Ladyace,

Thanks for your words. It is always nice to know we aren't alone. I am really scared today. We go to the counselor again and this week has been just crazy for me. We talked the other night and I suggested again that hubby get some medicine, he of course turned it around that maybe I am the one that needs help so I went in to the dr. the other day and took the test she had and I was borderline but she said given the stresses I am under she thinks I am doing ok and would only prescribe something if I really wanted it. So I found the test online and sent it to him, he took it and said he is less depressed than me, everything is a competition! And he has to be lying because he hasn't been eating and has admitted to having panic attack type feelings. And then he also said had he taken the test before he was in this temp job he would have answered differently. It will be interesting to see what the counselor has to say today.

I have come to realize he has me make most all the decisions and it hit me like a ton of bricks it is because then he doesn't have to accountable for anything. I have learned he is a perfectionist which makes him an incredible procrastinator if things can just be perfect, he would just rather not have tried than to have tried and failed.

Over the last 2 weeks he has only really started trying because I am finally telling him how mad I am about all the things he has done and he apologizes and expects me to flip a switch and go running back into his arms. That is how I used to be, 'oh, ok, it will all be ok' and now that I am questioning things and not playing by his rules he is freaking.

Is it bad that I want him to give me some space and for him to figure out the whole job thing on his own?

Two things have been the 'straw that broke the camels back', the other day I sent him our monthly bills and what was all coming up and he questioned where my second student loan was, well my 'second' student loan had been paid off before we got married!!! And then last night he asked me if he took the afternoon off from his temp job (that ends next Friday and he will be unemployed AGAIN and he gets paid hourly) to go out and get applications from different places from around town, let's see money or no money, ARGHHHHHH!!! How could he even ask that and I calmly say no we need the money(the kids were in bed) and he says, 'God it is just soooo boring, I don't want to just sit there all day'. I couldn't even believe it. He is so spoiled and selfish, but yet I am the one that hasn't made him a priority!!! He is messed up.

And what is it about men and sex, it doesn't seem to matter the mood, my hubby would always have sex!!! I could totally see him making a comment like your hubby made.

Well hopefully we can both get through this together. Let me know how you are doing. Thanks! A

March 3, 2004
9:35 am
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sunnymoon
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Well I am off to see a new counselor today, a few suggested I see a different person that two of us are seeing together.

This weekend I went to hometown with kids and hubby was home for weekend by himself, of course he did what he wanted, went out Friday night and out biking and drinking all day Sat. and Sat. night. We talked more last night and I just told him I was disappointed but he has to do what he does to be happy. But at this point if he can't change the drinking habits then we will have to separate. He has acted like he wanted to change for the last two weeks and then is the same old self this past weekend.

People are right when they say 'people will never change'? I know it is up to me if I want to deal with these issues the rest of my life and know the answer the drinking is no! So where do I go from here?

So torn, confused, hurt and angry. Has anyone out there split up for a while and got back together and had things actually work out?

Thanks. A

March 3, 2004
9:39 am
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Zinnie
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I haven't personally - but that is me - once I have been gone - I'm gone. But, I do have a really good friend that left her husband, divorced and they are now back together. I posted her story on another thread. Do you want me to see if I can find it?

Z.

March 3, 2004
9:42 am
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sunnymoon
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Sure Z. Thanks.

March 3, 2004
9:52 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Sunny -

Found it:

Anyway - I have a dear friend of mine who was in the same position you are now. Except her husband was an alcholic. She finally had ENOUGH - and did what she needed to do and filed for a divorce. He became more violent, and she had to file for a restraining order, etc.

Then, he called and was "willing to do anything to have her back." She did not bend - she had been down this route too many times to count. Anyway, she did divorce him. Once she did that, he realized how much he had really lost. He came to her and said what do I need to do to get you back. She told him 1. stop drinking, get help. 2. no more beating me. 3. get a job, and keep it. 4. be responsible, pay your bills first, instead of drinking your paycheck.

He joined AA. He started going to a support group for men who beat their wives. He got a job, did good work, got promoted. He began to pay his bills, and paid the back child support he owed.

That was 17 years ago. They got back together 15 years ago. He still goes to AA, still goes to the support group for men who are abusive, he has been continuously promoted, he has become a devoted father and grandfather.

HOWEVER, he has not become a good husband. Why? She will not remarry him. She said that if she does, it give him back "the power" - is that true - well, maybe not because he really has changed. They are still together. They love each other more now than ever before. He treats her like a Queen. But, she had to do all of that to finally get him to see the damage he had caused not only her, but the family as well.

Will they ever get re-married? I don't know. But, he does know - that one screw up - he is gone. He is a changed man - and I wish them all the best. But, she has done what she needed to do.

So, like I said - you do what it is you need to do. Hey, it might lead to the change he needs to make. But... don't fall for it just yet.

March 3, 2004
9:57 am
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sunnymoon
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Thanks Z. It is good to hear a story of someone getting better.

Although I would say my hubby is an alcoholic there are some definite drinking problems and he is aware of them, he has been in more control and not drinking as much but I feel like I am just on edge waiting for the next time. He started out he was only going to have 4 at any occasion, well he couldn't do that so he says he won't have any hard liquor, but he has still had a few bloody mary's, so of course it all just scares me. I don't desereve to be treated like that.

Anyway thanks for sharing that. A

March 3, 2004
10:13 am
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Hi A.,

If his drinking bothers you that much, because he get's out of control, or it's affecting the level of life that you live as a couple then yes, it's a problem.

I'm sorry you are going through this - but you seem to be very aware of the situation.

Have you attended Al-Anon by chance?

Z.

March 5, 2004
11:11 am
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sunnymoon
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Hi All,
I am fairly new to these boards, can anyone tell me why my original post has been deleted from this thread? And there was a response from someone that is gone now too?

Just curious. A

March 5, 2004
11:23 am
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mj
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