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Not sure the old ways were the bad ways
September 4, 2009
5:26 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Reading through the various threads about "friends with benefits" and "shag buddies" and "the 2 am booty call"...what are we doing?????????? We are too available to these guys. We think we have have sex and our emotions not be involved? Hello? We are women!!! We are emotionally involved the first time we have sex with the unless we are doing it out of spite. Yes, I have had sex several times with a man (same man, several times) and had no emotional involvement with him, but I was trying to prove to my sick self that I was still desirable and someone wanted me even if the one I wanted didn't.

We need to go back to respecting ourselves and our bodies more than this. DO NOT fall into bed with the first man who gives you the time of day.

All we are doing is causing ourselves pain and heartache. Yes we all want to be liberated women and think we are in charge of our bodies but hell, we take better care of our dogs and cats than we take of ourselves.

Once again, I recommend Why Men Love Bitches. I think I will drag it our for some therapeutic reading. When the man tells us the first time: "I only want to be friends. I don't see this going anywhere. I don't want to marry you. I don't want to be a stepfather." We need to look him in the eye, thank him for his honesty, and politely explain that we are looking for more from life and since this obviously would be a waste of time for both of us, perhaps you should take me home now. If you are at dinner or out, by all means offer at that point to split the tab because you are nothing more than friends. Leave the benefits for him to get from someone who does not love herself as much as we love and respect ourselves.

Disclaimer: This is all easy for me to say since I haven't made love sin going on 17 months now and do not have any prospects anywhere on the distant horizon. 😉

Bitsy

September 4, 2009
5:47 pm
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sdesigns
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Easy to say without an available, desirable "person with a penis" nearby?

Thats OK, I'm in the same boat.

But ti seems the less I have it, the more I value "it" and myself.

sd

September 10, 2009
10:10 pm
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trainwreck
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Bitsy/sdesigns
Are you asking yourself why you had these types of relationships. I like nothing more than having sex with the opposite sex, and yes it is satisfaction at the moment but leaves me empty just after wards. In fact in the past after I had sex I really didn't want to be with my partner. I ask my self why and came to the conclusion that I really didn't want to be with them and I really didn't know how to be happy with myself so how could I be happy with some one from the opposite sex. Think about what makes you feel good about your self and develope that and maybe when you are confident and secure in your self you will then be happy and confident in your relationship. If you cannot see that the old ways were the bad ways then you may be on a self destructive path that holds a lot more misery for you. I am a male but can see you need to love you first then worry about loving someone else.

September 10, 2009
10:45 pm
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truthBtold
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There is a book out right now by the comedian, Steve Harvey entitled: "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" that I sure to heck wished I could have read 20+ years ago......but at least it is available now! I think that every teenager/young women should read this one!!!!!

Excellent, honest, truthful, bottom line advice about men's thinking about women who just make themselves too availble from the getgo and don't set the bar very high early on without going through a 3 month 'probationary period' in much the same way that there is a probationary period at a new job - where you just kind of back off and OBSERVE - with both eyes and ears wide open - to see IF in fact, it is going to be a good match!

(All I can do now is just shake my head and wish that this was available to me at the time. But it wasn't and thats that.)

For any young lady reading this post right now (and/or if you have a dughter, sister, niece, friend etc...) and struggling with making herself too easily available to men, please DO consider reading this one. (I beleive that it has been on the NYT best-sellers list even.)

I think that it is worth its weight in gold!!!!!!

September 10, 2009
10:48 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi trainwreck: Welcome, I haven't seen you here before.

For myself, I would have to say that I'm not interested in casual sex anymore. I've had enough of it in my lifetime that I don't find it satisfying in this point in time.

I would say in the past- back in my 20's- I was in a self destructive mode, and I understand now why I was.

I am curious trainwreck- why did you chose that name?

sd

September 10, 2009
11:34 pm
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soulsearchingyetagain
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wow! i probably shouldn't, but I really feel rejected now. I am not even being offered a booty call (although he wasn't much in the bedroom). incidentally, i went out and bought the two books recommended on this site: act like a lady, think like a man and why men love bitches. essentially they are the same - hold on to your "cookie" until you know they're a good match (see how they "show up" /when to determine if they are ready for you) and make them work for it!

I clearly screwed up on both accounts which is why I'm sitting here hurting over a month-long romance (ok, a little progress - no longer calling it a relationship) while he is on Match.com trolling for the new Mrs. J still speaking of wanting to "add something to the right woman's life" - spare me! I feel rejected because he couldn't add anything to my life (or so he seemed to feel) - and I'm rejected because his ego can't handle it??? and what codie screw do I have loose that I would want someone that didn't show up "ready" as is for a healthy relationship with me? Instead, my thinking goes to - I will support him while he gets through school, wait for him to be able to take me out to a steak dinner b/c lord forbid I should pay and pay and pay (b/c i kill'em with generosity - very codie behavior I hear).

The books are golden! Read up!

soul...

September 10, 2009
11:46 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi soul.... at least you seem to have a sense of humor about it.

I know, I've been dumped before and thought WOW- they don't want to even use me for sex anymore- how bad is that?

Funny, my last "romance" was a Match.com'er too- I think they say ANYTHING on those profiles to get in a woman's pants! And troll they do, don't they? Can you just picture them sitting at the computer with their tongue hanging out and panting? Ugh.

Another book I think is fabulous for any woman who decides to dip her toe back into the dating pond is : "How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra Brown. EZXCELLENT read, talks about all the dif types of characters we may encounter that are not necessarily physocally dangerous but can be more emotionally dangerous. It was a real eye opener for me, made me think of things much differently. Also talks about when to walk away and why- as in walk away from someone who only wants booty calls!

Probably not available in a bokstore but it is available on Amazon.com.

sd

September 11, 2009
7:36 am
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For me I have had 3 long term serious relationships in my life. One of those was a marriage that lasted 14 years. After my divorce I became involved with a man who led me down the primrose path to destruction. I did things when I was in a relationship with him that the "sane" me would NEVER do. Now that I am "sane" again I will never do them again.

Yes I went through terrible withdrawal when the relationship ended. I cried and cried and cried. I would have taken him back!!!! Now? No. And someone is going to have to be spectacular for me to give him a chance. I am, as they say, older and wiser. Hard lesson learned.

Bitsy

September 13, 2009
1:08 am
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trainwreck
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sdesigns
I picked the word trainwreck because in my childhood it was one of the nicknames I got as a child. This was one of the nicer names. As I got older I was a railroader and loved and still do love trains. But for the purpose of a user name for this site I thought it appropriate because mentally I was a train wreck which needed to be taken off the track and back to the shop and rebuilt again only this time with a better plan and a clear track ahead of me. Boneyard was my brothers name so I guess I got the better name of the two. I use many other names in E-mails but this site is to be anonymous hence the name trainwreck.
Bitsy I too had two long relationships, one for 17 yrs. the other for 8 yrs. I tried to help them maybe change them for what I thought might be better. What I found out was I could not make them better no matter how hard I tried but just made myself worse. Don't expect to find that really special someone because that is what they are looking for in you. If you really believe you are something special you will be but it will take a while to really believe it and make it happen which will make you happy with your self. When a good man sees you are confident in your actions and beliefs especially that you don't really need a man to enjoy your life only then will your life special. We all screw up occasionally so even if you find the special guy you will always have to be strong yourself to be in a strong relationship. Only after 55 years am I now seeing that and with a lot of help.

September 13, 2009
8:06 am
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That is what I meant by the old ways being better. Before women just fell into bed with a man and thought they could have sex without emotions being involved. I have been alone now for 18 months. During that time I have moved twice. Dragged myself back from the brink of bankruptcy and had three different jobs. I am back in a field I know and am happy with it. I have nothing in savings to speak of and nothing anymore for retirement. I am alone and lonely but it is better than being with someone and lonely and miserable. I have started attending Celebrate Recovery. I am no longer afraid to be alone.

Bitsy

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