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Not sure if I'm doing the right thing.........
July 1, 2007
11:30 pm
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Lisa Ann
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September 24, 2010
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Well, this has been a very interesting weekend. I recently separated from my ex-boyfriend because I was getting way too emotionally attached, which was causing him some stress - let alone causing myself stress. So, I decided to detach from him to try and work on my co-dependency issues. I was just getting way too involved in his life and not taking time to focus on my daughter or myself. It was not his doing at all, it was my co-dependency kicking in. It was miserable. He was not doing anything to hurt me, but for some reason I wanted to know everything - who are you talking to, what about, where are you going? Who is all going to be there? Are you planning on drinking? All of those questions, and I'm not sure why.......

Well, on Saturday morning we talked by text messaging a little bit and he told me that he was hurting so bad that he was sick to his stomach. He loves me so much he can't stand the thought of a future without me in it. So, I sent him an email with a letter trying to explain why I broke up with him. I explained to him that I am trying to work on my co-dependency issues and learn to be okay with being alone. I think that is the only way he and I can have a wonderful future together is if I learn to be more independent and not so emotionally attached.

After he read the email, he tried to call me, but I was in an AA meeting, so I called him back after I got home and we talked a bit. He was a mess. He cried a lot and didn't understand how I could love him so much and not want to be with him. I told him that's not the case at all. I want to be with him, but I want to be healthy first. I love him more than he can imagine, that's why I'm doing this. I'm not good for anyone like this, I need to become healthy emotionally first. He still didn't understand very well.

So, today he came to see me and he was very emotional, even shaking. I could not believe what I was seeing. It was scary. I love him so much and he loves me too. We moved in together the beginning of June and now he has an apartment in a town about 50 miles away from me. So, we are living separately right now. He's really struggling with that, which I understand. How can we be so close to marriage, and now take a step backwards - and think that we are really still moving forward?????

VERY CONFUSING!!!!!

Anyway, I told him how much I loved him and that I was not going anywhere. I want to do things with him again - when it works out and we are not interferring with our girls (we each have a teenage daughter from a previous marriage). I said that I want to talk to him on the phone and maybe even have him come and stay with me at my apartment occasionally, during the week. We are just taking everything one day at a time right now.

I feel good, I'm okay with being here alone. Is it possible to feel this strong because I'm already getting healthy? I want to be with him forever. I know he is very shaky about things and I totally understand. But, I do feel like I'm getting better because I actually feel good about a lot of things.

I know this is a long post, sorry about that, but it's really nice to have others out there to talk to that have been through something like this before.

What are your thoughts on my situation?

July 2, 2007
12:29 am
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fantas
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September 29, 2010
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Lisa Ann, It's great that you realize your codependency tendencies and are willing to deal with them. Unfortunately, your partner doesn't understand it so he is very confused and hurt by your actions. I'd say he is a tad codependent too because he seems unable to understand that you need space even though you still love him. I actually think that breaking up with him might have a little drastic since he wasn't actually doing anything suspicious. You were the insecure one but you kinda made him pay for it. However, if this is what worked for you, then this is what you needed to do.

I'd say that since you both sound committed to each other, you can help each other with this. You can check yourself when you are getting insecure and clingy and he can hold you to task when you nag him. This way you can both learn to draw your boundaries with each other and to be accountable to your feelings and emotions. You can tell him what it's that you need from him so as to feel secure and he can tell you whether he is able to do that or not. And then you have to trust him.

Right now, I'd say that from his point of view, you withdrew your love and affections because of your insecurities that were not founded. That must really hurt him. It looks like he is willing to understand you and just wants to be with you but this could cause him to feel insecure with you.

I hope that you can both work through this without too much damage to the relationship. Do you go to therapy? Have you read codependent no more? Keep posting.

July 2, 2007
1:10 pm
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Lisa Ann
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Hi fantas,

Thank you for your post. Yes, I do go to counseling, but I would like for my boyfriend and I to go together. We have gone together in the past - about 2 months ago, but that was more for dealing with my recovery from alcoholism. Now, I'm finding that co-dependency is a much bigger issue than I thought and that really needs to be dealt with. The recovery is going great.

I love him so much, and I totally understand his hurt. I didn't give the message to him in the right way. I really hurt him and it's going to take him a while to get over that pain. I was trying to do the right thing and didn't. It seems like that is a common thing in my life. BUT, it's getting better. I really want to just reach out and hug him and tell him how much I love him and all that stuff, but I'm not sure what is the best thing to do right now. I don't want to lose my ability to be confident in myself either, but I don't want him to feel insecure about me.

Any thoughts?? I miss him and want to spend more time with him again. I need to go to an AA meeting tonight - I think I will do that. I'm finding that I'm not watching the clock so much anymore either - strange how things fall into place, isn't it?

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