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not sure I should have done that
September 6, 2006
1:37 pm
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jastypes
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When I was a child, somewhere around the ages of 10 to 14, my mother lived with this guy. He moved into our house. I knew he was married and had a son in high school. But he became part of our lives for a short period of time, and he was important to me. I asked my mom about him recently and she didn't know if he was alive or dead. So I searched the internet for him. I actually found his son, and sent him an e-mail saying his dad was a friend of our family's in the 1970's and I was wondering how he was doing. Well, his son called me yesterday. He figured out immediately what the relationship was. He said he knew about my mom, but never knew she had any children. It was an interesting conversation, but I seem to have opened up an old wound, both for the son and for me.

September 6, 2006
1:50 pm
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jastypes
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Perhaps I should mention that I am now 46 years old. This man is 86, and my mom is 72.

September 6, 2006
2:13 pm
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southgoingzax
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It seems like enough time has passed to make this maybe an *uncomfortable* incident, but is there any serious damage done? It sounds like you needed to get something out of the contact - did you? Can you make peace with what you know now, or do you still want more (contact, information, whatever)?

I guess it depends on your motivations, your goal or purpose in initiating this contact...and how the son feels, if he would want to continue or if this is something he would prefer to leave in the past. I'm just not sure what you are hoping will come of this - have you given that some thought? Personally, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but it depends on your ultimate expectations of what will happen next.

Sometimes we just need to reach out to people, and sometimes they don't want us to. You took a chance, but I'm not sure where it's left you - are you happy or sad, do you want to talk again, talk to this man, or are you done?

zax

September 6, 2006
2:17 pm
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jastypes
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zax. I feel a bit confused. I wish I could see him, but I don't think that's gonna happen. That's okay. His son said he would pass on a message that think about him and remember him fondly. Maybe he'll let me know when his dad passes away so that I can pay my respects. It just brought up feelings of sadness and abandonment again. More stuff to bring to the surface for healing, I suppose. I just wanted to share about it here, amongst friends. 🙂

September 6, 2006
2:24 pm
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southgoingzax
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Well, who knows? Maybe this man will contact you. Maybe he would want to make peace with himself, too.

It sure sounds like this has brought up some abandonment issues for you...why do so many of us have these issues? I know I do. How can it be that so many unwitting parents inflicted this pain on their children? Not to badmouth my parents, or yours, but I know the issues with my father are most likely why I post here....ultimately.

Anyway, I wish the best for you. I hope you get the closure/healing out of this that you want to find.

zax

September 6, 2006
2:59 pm
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jastypes
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Seriously. It wasn't enough that my own father left the family. My mother then hooked up with this married guy who was with us for 4 years and then went back to his wife, never to be heard from again. Did no one think of the effect that would have on me and my 2 sisters?

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