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Not sure how I got this way but I need to change now
October 28, 2006
6:52 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm not sure how I got this way. My childhood was good, so far as I remember. Military family, mostly supportive, no abuse or substance use at home. I don't remember anything that could have caused this codependency. In any case, I have been in one bad relationship after another. (Oddly enough, my sister has too, so maybe I missed something.)

I watched my husband die from alcoholism, literally. We were together for 17 years. I got into a relationship with another alcoholic within a year. That lasted three years before I broke it off, which wasn't too hard because I had started to get involved with a guy who wasn't an alcoholic. It turned out though, that he was very, very needy, threatened suicide occasionally, but I couldn't stop needing him. My hob moved me to a new city so that relationship ended. I immediately got involved with another alcoholic. We lived together for two years and I finally was able to make him move out. Three years later, after watching him try and try again to quit drinking, I absolutely must get out of this relationship.

I've tried before and can't seem to get past the part where he swears he'll get help and stay sober and I melt. What makes it hard is that he really isn't a bad person and hasn't ever been more than plain stupid and pathetic when he gets drunk. I've heard "I'm so sorry baby" so many times I know when to expect that it will be the next thing he says.

I have decided that even if he does get sober and stays sober I will spend every day wondering if today will be the day he drinks again. So I'm done. That's the first step, making the decision. Now, how can I make myself stick to it this time?

I've come a long way over the last 10 years, since my husband died, defining myself as a person, gaining self confidence and establishing the difference between being selfish and taking care of myself. I'm actually very intelligent, so why am I so stupid in relationships?

Any suggestions or experiences you can share would be greatly appreciated. I gotta do it!

October 28, 2006
7:11 pm
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One more thing. I said I don't know how I became a codependent. Is it possible that one of my problems is the fact that my father was never home, being in the Navy. I don't think I ever really learned how to develop any kind of relationship with a man other than boyfriend/girlfriend. Does that make sense, that it might be part of my problem?

October 28, 2006
7:14 pm
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justhinking
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Hello GDI
I had a very normal upbringing, so I thought, no drugs no alchol, no smoking. and yet I married a recoving drug attic which hasn't recovered yet in 10 years but still waiting. why I don't really know except I love him. you on the other hand are going from one relationship to another after your husband past on. why because this a crazy world, why should you be alone? But in a sence you are alone anyway because there to busy downing a bottle while you are suffering.
I think you should take time for yourself. Enjoy life without alcholizm. Your as just much hurting as he is suffering to get off.
Continue being strong and by being here we realize that we are never alone in this world whatever your circumstances may be.

October 28, 2006
7:22 pm
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Yep - that's so true. I don't have to be alone to be "alone".

October 28, 2006
7:53 pm
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justhinking
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Your not alone, even when you are!

October 28, 2006
8:21 pm
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Right. That's a better way to think of it.

I don't have trouble being "alone". I've gotten quite comfortable with cooking myself a decent meal and I have several hobbies.

One of the reasons I keep going back, though, is that I want to do things that just aren't enjoyable alone, like go to a movie, or a show or a festival, etc., He's the only person I know to do those things with. Guess I need to work that out. The trade-off isn't acceptable anymore.

October 28, 2006
8:46 pm
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justhinking
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I completely understand. Ever since my husband been away, I have had alot of time to myself with my kids and I really don't know what to do when I go out because it has always been with him. but I find myself at a peace even when I am out because I am not worried about him, now I am worried about me.
so being alone is something that is your choice! movies, shows and festivals can all be enjoyed with friends.
Hobbies are help!
your not alone here to talk and feel whatever it is you feel. We all have some sort of issues, that's why we are here!

October 30, 2006
1:58 pm
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I'm not doing well today. The episode Friday night that convinced me I had to be done with all this included my b/f drinking a 1.75 liter bottle of 40 proof (1/2 strength) vodka (that they sell around here in convenience stores - too convenient)in a short period of time. I had to go over to our friends house to help get him out of there and back to his own place. (didn't have to but did....) He was still pretty trashed at 2:00 in the afternoon on Saturday. He had fallen and broken a table, a chair, put a hole in the bathroom wall, etc.

I talked to him yesterday, Sunday, when he called, to be sure he was ok physically, but also to tell him I don't want to allow his battle with alcohol to be part of my life anymore. I was worried about alcohol poisoning. He was having alot of pain around one of his kidneys but it's impossible to tell whether or not it was his kidney or that he hurt his back falling. So at midnight last night he called asking for a ride to the emergency room. I hung up on him and then ran the conversation back through my mind, heard his agony again - it was real, and off I went. I finally got home at 4:30 this morning. I did do a little better than I might have in the past. I left him at the ER by himself and went home, but then went back to get him. I also refused to bring him to my house instead of his own afterwards. Yay me.

Now, though, because he hasn't paid his bills, his home phone and his cell phone were shut off today. I spent my lunch hour driving over to his house to see if he is alive and to offer him my cell phone to him to call a payment in on one of his phones, just so he could have a way to call for help - both for emergency and for alcohol treatment (which he's "promised" once again). His door was locked and he didn't answer when I knocked several times. I can only hope that it's because he's sleeping it all off. Of course the ER gave him some good pain killers and muscle relaxers too. I had his landlord open his door for me once before because I was afraid he might be dead or close to it. I didn't do that today.

I keep telling myself that if he is or isn't, it's beyond my control and I know in my heart I've done everything I can to help. Ask me if I really believe myself and I can't honestly say I do. I do and I don't. I do believe I've done everything I can to help him quit drinking. What if he really needs emergency medical attention and can't get it because he doesn't have a phone? Where do I draw the line?

This really stinks - I have alot of work today and I have to get a decent night's sleep so I can be out the door for a meeting tomorrow at 5:30 am. I usually sleep in till 7:30 - so that's an absurd challenge for me all by itself, let alone on no sleep. Put on the cheery face for all my colleagues...who know nothing about all this.

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