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Not getting attached...
May 23, 2005
9:29 am
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Deena
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Okay with my personality and being coda...it's only natural that I get attached very quickly. I've been talking to this guy for the past 2 monthes...just as friends. He is one of my best friends brother. And one night we had sex. We have still been talking and hanging out. I am trying so hard not to get attached to this person. Just keep thinking random sex is fine. I can do this. So now I find myself trying to distance myself from him for fear of getting so attached and finding myself missing him. Im not sure if Im trying to replace my ex with him. I don't think so, however I don't want to become attached and needy. Besides he talks to other girls too.

Any advice?

May 23, 2005
9:52 am
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sweetlola
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I don't have any advice because I have a similar problem. I too, need advice. All I know is that attachment stinks. I am very attached to someone (not a romantic involvement - just a friend) and I feel miserable almost all the time. I am at the point that I wish I never met this person. I even considered moving away just so I wouldn't have any contact with this person. I don't have the will power to cut him off. It hurts so much. I too, try to avoid him but all it takes is one phone call from him and I am back to square one. He has a girlfriend and I find myself jealous of all the time he spends with her. This is a very strange and pecular situation because we have never been involved on an physical level (nor did I ever want to). I just wish we could spend more time together but it hurts because I know he doesn't feel the same way. I care way toooooo much about him. I am abnormally attached to this person. I think you know the pain that I am experiencing. In your case, since you are already feeling that attachment, you better get out before you really get hurt. It sounds that he is not as interested in you as you are in him (he is talking to others). I wouldn't agree to the random sex thing. You see it as something special but it doesn't appear that he does. I know that it hurts to admit to yourself that someone doesn't care for you as much as you care for them. I say keep looking for someone who shares your feelings of caring and possibly love. Don't settle for this guy. You will only get hurt in the end.

May 23, 2005
10:55 am
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ivmetoo
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Sweetlola
You sound like my H.. he became attached to a woman he plays tennis with and its almost destroyed our marriage.. not sure what is happening for him. lots of issues we are both in therapy now trying to sort out but anyway..
She is not interested and yet he can't seem to let go..no physical contact but more of a romance fantasy--T says its an addiction and when under stress needs it for distraction from unhappiness in life.
It has been so hard for me as I am co dependent upon him I am sure now.
So I just hung in there because I don't know what else to do right now -- he is trying so I am giving it a shot also because we have had such a great relationship up until now..
The best way I think to get over someone ... is no contact.. If you can't keep the boundries then you are going to slide down that slippery slope and someone is going to get hurt and one of them will be you.
The book Not Just Friends by shirley glass outlines alot of how this all happens and why.. It has opened my eyes to this and my H is finally reading some of it.. I only hope he reads the whole thing as he believes he has it under control and is only fooling himself.. I watch and I see his behavior and he is not over her by a long shot.. he attaches quickly too and so for him this is very dangerous particularly if he wants to keep our marriage which he says he does. anyway my two cents for what it is worth

May 23, 2005
10:57 am
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ivmetoo
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Sweetlola
You sound like my H.. he became attached to a woman he plays tennis with and its almost destroyed our marriage.. not sure what is happening for him. lots of issues we are both in therapy now trying to sort out but anyway..
She is not interested and yet he can't seem to let go..no physical contact but more of a romance fantasy--T says its an addiction and when under stress needs it for distraction from unhappiness in life.
It has been so hard for me as I am co dependent upon him I am sure now.
So I just hung in there because I don't know what else to do right now -- he is trying so I am giving it a shot also because we have had such a great relationship up until now..
The best way I think to get over someone ... is no contact.. If you can't keep the boundries then you are going to slide down that slippery slope and someone is going to get hurt and one of them will be you.
The book Not Just Friends by shirley glass outlines alot of how this all happens and why.. It has opened my eyes to this and my H is finally reading some of it.. I only hope he reads the whole thing as he believes he has it under control and is only fooling himself.. I watch and I see his behavior and he is not over her by a long shot.. he attaches quickly too and so for him this is very dangerous particularly if he wants to keep our marriage which he says he does. anyway my two cents for what it is worth

May 23, 2005
10:58 am
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ivmetoo
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Sweetlola
You sound like my H.. he became attached to a woman he plays tennis with and its almost destroyed our marriage.. not sure what is happening for him. lots of issues we are both in therapy now trying to sort out but anyway..
She is not interested and yet he can't seem to let go..no physical contact but more of a romance fantasy--T says its an addiction and when under stress needs it for distraction from unhappiness in life.
It has been so hard for me as I am co dependent upon him I am sure now.
So I just hung in there because I don't know what else to do right now -- he is trying so I am giving it a shot also because we have had such a great relationship up until now..
The best way I think to get over someone ... is no contact.. If you can't keep the boundries then you are going to slide down that slippery slope and someone is going to get hurt and one of them will be you.
The book Not Just Friends by shirley glass outlines alot of how this all happens and why.. It has opened my eyes to this and my H is finally reading some of it.. I only hope he reads the whole thing as he believes he has it under control and is only fooling himself.. I watch and I see his behavior and he is not over her by a long shot.. he attaches quickly too and so for him this is very dangerous particularly if he wants to keep our marriage which he says he does. anyway my two cents for what it is worth

May 23, 2005
10:59 am
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ivmetoo
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Sweetlola
You sound like my H.. he became attached to a woman he plays tennis with and its almost destroyed our marriage.. not sure what is happening for him. lots of issues we are both in therapy now trying to sort out but anyway..
She is not interested and yet he can't seem to let go..no physical contact but more of a romance fantasy--T says its an addiction and when under stress needs it for distraction from unhappiness in life.
It has been so hard for me as I am co dependent upon him I am sure now.
So I just hung in there because I don't know what else to do right now -- he is trying so I am giving it a shot also because we have had such a great relationship up until now..
The best way I think to get over someone ... is no contact.. If you can't keep the boundries then you are going to slide down that slippery slope and someone is going to get hurt and one of them will be you.
The book Not Just Friends by shirley glass outlines alot of how this all happens and why.. It has opened my eyes to this and my H is finally reading some of it.. I only hope he reads the whole thing as he believes he has it under control and is only fooling himself.. I watch and I see his behavior and he is not over her by a long shot.. he attaches quickly too and so for him this is very dangerous particularly if he wants to keep our marriage which he says he does. anyway my two cents for what it is worth

May 23, 2005
3:03 pm
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kathygy
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Don't have sex with this man anymore, not once. You already sound like you feel attached.

May 23, 2005
8:01 pm
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Deena
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i know kathy...Im trying so hard not to be emotionally attached, but I feel I am already. Im soooo trying to keep my eyes open, learning from all my lessons before. I guess it's nice to be wanted even a little- I know, wanted for wrong reasons. Im a little confused. But I am trying to distance myself a bit. Thanks for responding?

Hey IVMETOO...Did ya have to post it 3 times? I got the point! Joking. I don't know why it does that sometimes.

May 24, 2005
9:54 am
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sweetlola
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IVMETOO ***** I just wanted to thank you for suggesting that book. I will definitely try to get and read it. I have tried other books and they have helped me gain insight but they really haven't helped in the area of detachment. I agree with your therapist that said that this attachment is an addiction. It feels exactly like an addiction. I would like individuals who have been successful in detachment to share what was effective and what wasn't. Deena- you said you were confused. I could relate to that. I am totally confused. Never before have I not known what I am feeling and why am I feeling it. I claim I don't want him to call but then when the phone rings, I am hoping that it is him. What is wrong with me? I rehearse conversations when I tell him I don't want any contact but not once have I said those words to him. Deena - I hope everything works out for you, but I know it is hard. I hope that you keep in touch via this thread. Share any insights that you may discover. They help more than you know.

May 24, 2005
11:23 am
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CAMER
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hi Deena, i guess yeah it does feel nice to be needed, but you do sound like you are getting attached, and maybe having the sex whenever brings you both closer to eachother, well at least for you! if this is not what you want, don't go back and hope things get better....stand alone, take pride and know that you deserve a monogomous relationship (i think it
sounds like that!) keep posting & know you are not alone.

May 24, 2005
11:46 am
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Cici
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I'd say - just don't have casual sex. It's not a good thing in the healing process of CODA people, like CAMER said (wise person, that one).

Save it up for someone you've gotten to know well, who is willing to be in a monogamous relationship, who values you as a person, who can understand that you have issues you are working through.

May 24, 2005
5:41 pm
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Deena
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I know with my personality it's really hard not to get attached. I do want the companionship and the feeling of being wanted. Don't we all? My breakup has only been 2 months so maybe I am rushing...trying to get over him. Just when I think I am on the road to recovery....Something else pops up. Story of my life. Thanks for responding. You guys are great.

May 25, 2005
12:29 am
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stardj0
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god you guys..it sounds like the same thing with the relationship i am in.. we have never had sex either..so i dont know why i am so in love with the guy i am in love with..but i told him that i am addicted to him and he is my high..he knows that i would do anything in the world for him.. when he calls me..i always take my cell along thinking maybe he will call me back again and again..but it doenst happen.. and i get so bummed out by it..but when he does call me and wants me to get him or to see him i come running and i dont care what important things i have to do.. he comes first..it is ashamed because there are times i told my parents that i would come by and have dinner with them..or i have made plans with other friends just to call them and tell them i cant make it cause i dont feel good of something..at times when he calls i forget everything i was supposed to do..then afterwards remember.. and have to call and make up these lies and phony excuses to everyone...i wish at times i could just wake up and not be in love with him..but is sure is NOT that easy..well take care and the best of luck....

May 25, 2005
10:49 am
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2bstrong
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Hey deena,

Didn't post on this yesterday--just wondering how you're doing today?

2b

May 25, 2005
1:12 pm
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Deena
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hey 2b...Doing okay....I had a procedure done this moning so I feel a little shitty. I keep having to get my cervix biopsyed and scraped because of precancer cells. Sorry if that's a little to personal, so I had to get medicated so I fell alittle BLAH. THere's more to my thread but I will have to tell ya later...I feel alittle loopy. sorry Be back soon

May 25, 2005
2:20 pm
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2bstrong
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Hey there---been there with the cervical biopsy--lots'o Fun, Eh?

Glad you posted...

Come back when you feel better.

2b

May 25, 2005
4:31 pm
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goldengirl
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Deena why don't you want to get serious with this guy. From my experience trying not to get attatched always seems to back fire. I just got out of a familiar situation like that and i ended up getting hurt. If this guy doesn't want anything serious with you stop having sex with him. You are worth more than just a roll in the hay.

May 26, 2005
1:08 pm
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Deena
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well because my break up is still so fresh. I really don't want a serious relationship started. Besides, I know he would not be the one. It's cool to hang out but I don't think for a relationship. Then I started to get irritated because he is 'talking' to someone who is married with kids. I called him a homewrecker. There are kids involved. Ewe. Don't know that I want to be with him even sexually anymore. Where's the morals here? Obviuosly Im lacking some too by just having a friendship with benefits, right?

Yes, Im a little attached and feeling a little like ewe because he has interest in someone else too. But I expected that. That's why I didn't want to get attached. Great. Another lesson to be learned.

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