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not even an umbrella can keep me dry from this never ending rain- lluvia
June 8, 2009
3:27 am
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Lluvia
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ive been fine...2 months of pure happiness, laughter, i didnt feel as naucious, i wasnt AS sensitive like before, my flashbacks somewhat settled down, my sleep had just adjusted so im not as bad as an imsomniac as before. i was fine!

i thought i was fine. i started opening up to friends and here and had i know what i have unleashed iwouldnt of.

lately i been getting sad and begin to cry. i was fine and now im overwhelmed with feeling and its just sadness. aaaah i feel like i would when my depression sad part came in but i thought i was over that finally. aaaaaah. im so mad i did not i didnt aaaaah i didnt wanna feel.

months work gone...aaahhhhh,....i was hoping it was over. i knew itwasnt that easy but i had really hoped...

June 8, 2009
6:12 am
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Serendy
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September 30, 2010
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That is the annoying thing about when we are "healing".Every so often the"bad"comes back..That's when we need to try to find a balance.Otherwise when we are on our "high times" feeling all the pain has gone away never to return.It hits us big time...Try as hard as you can to KNOW this sad time will pass.Know that it is necessary to cleanse your soul.And when you have come out the other side.Try,try hard to get a balance.Rather than..Happy,happy,happy......Sad,sad,sad...You'll be fine...The universe is watching over you..

June 8, 2009
10:42 am
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sunshine88
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hi Lluvia, honey, i send you lots and lots of hugs, love, prayers, and hope.

you have to know that healing is a process. nobody recovers in an instant. like serendy said, every so often, it does come back. it happens to all of us who is struggling to heal.

but you've already made a decision for yourself that you will turn your life around, rise above your situation, and you WILL. you are a very smart girl, and you have already gone a long way from how you were when i first met you here.

so dont give up the struggle, sweetie. it does get hard time and again, and that's what friends are here for. you will always find someone here to understand and support you. (hope so, lol)

so go and enjoy your competitive spirit. do the girl you always wanted to be! i believe in you, and you should believe in yourself too. and never ever stop believing!

surround yourself with inspirational music, read self help books, be with friends who are positive, be that strong person that you were meant to be, girl!

love you soooo much

June 8, 2009
11:13 am
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sunshine88
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do you have some inclination to poetry, art or music?

you know the greatest masterpieces in this world were done at the height of an artist's emotions, high or low, but usualy low.

June 9, 2009
10:09 am
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Lanigirl
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Lluvia,

Don't beat yourself up over it. Look at what you've done, 2 months! Cry if you need to and let it go.

June 11, 2009
1:45 pm
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Lluvia
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right. i never expected good and people would tell me why i thought negatively but i always said if i i had set things lowi cant be disappointed or get my hopes up.

sooo aaah. you guys are right its a healing process so it isnt going to perfect.

whewww...i think ima be okay thanks

June 11, 2009
2:26 pm
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Lanigirl
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We're here for you.

June 16, 2009
10:02 am
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truthBtold
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Lluvia,

So glad to hear from you!!! I have been wondering how you have doing.

You know, I have been thinking about you and your current home situation and something sprang to my mind - that being the possibility of you perhaps being a foreign-exchange student in a spanish speaking country.

Just a thought. When will you graduate from high school? How is school going for you these days?

Please keep your sites clearly set on that college you spoke about in an earler post - what college was that again?

Anyways, glad you are back. I missed you.

June 16, 2009
3:13 pm
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sunshine88
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yes lluvia sweetie, you are always in our minds, and it's always a delight to hear from u.

please do keep up the positive effort, later in life, it will pay off. i struggled a lot when i was younger, i thought it would never end. but i am 33 now and actually living a self-sufficient life, good job, good friends, (no men haha but that can be a good thing hahahah), good home, and just last sunday, i passed my professional exam, good life! it wont be perfect, but life IS good.

i hope for you all the best, and for all your dreams to come true, and more!

Hugs and kisses for u.

June 19, 2009
5:42 am
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Lluvia
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aww thanks. aaah. one year left (truthBtold ,sowee if i didnt quite get that right im on my dsi so cant scroll when im typing hehe, i remember you its been awhiiiile. in the thread Lluvia i put an update just in case youre wondering)

1 year left. im not allowed to work so ima take a year off of school to save money and settle down well manage due to the fact i dont want any contact what-so-ever from my mother so i have to find a place where i can be (or attempt to be) independent. im planning lately im keeping this between me and my friends. they all want to help and as i said before they are hoping to get a place to move out in. they all have great relationships with their parents except for one who him and i just realized we have similar home situations but not to the extent of sexual abuse stuff.

funny thing is. they say im an inspiration to them. so now they have a real goal to achieve by actually doing it since they want to get me out of this house. but im usually hesitant from people helping me since its weird, usually pointed out by past boyfriends who i would open doors for or get to the door first to open it myself usually saying ?i can get my own door?

aahhh. still not sure about things im still planning on what to do once i graduate and then turn 18 in a couple months after that.

college...grrr junior year is important so you can send transcripts for applications. junior year just do happened to be the worst year of my life, so far, soooo i bombed i got b's then c's and even soo low as to f's. i went from an above 4.0 student to a (estimating my semester grades) 2.0 or 2.5 highest. soo im out of the top 10%...because of junior year i wont get the special gowns given to the top students...or the scholarships i was available to get plus being hispanic that helped too.

it gets me mad at myself...all my life i worked on school and i am smart especially in math, and to have one year mess it up hurts...(to be continued)

June 19, 2009
5:55 am
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Lluvia
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sorry i ouldnt write more so had to send and continue on new

anyway i just couldnt it and it gets me soo mad and sad. i wish i could be like other teens well not have this stuff going on...aaaaa its not my fault i couldnt handle it...if only the people at school knew i didnt dumb out or anything. they dont understand what happened junior year... i hate crying but ive never told anyone about this... i hate junior year! i hate that my past got to me and ruined my present! i hate i cant have a ?normal? or at least managable family and life... there are so many teens my age who throw theyre lives away partying and drinking smoking and lying to their parents who some are so loving and trusting with their children and they abuse it!!!! no one deserves it but....im not a bad kid. ive tried so hardbI WORKED SO HARD to get where im at...i dont do anything bad im good hearted and i deserved better......i deserve better dammit!!!! so while they complain their parents asked them to take them to the store when they bought them a beautiful car and loved them... im crying ... life isnt fair...all we can do is make thebest of it...

...i need a hug. i gotta go if my parents hear me cry or find me on here they will freak and get on my case

June 19, 2009
6:16 am
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Lluvia
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oh. as you may or may not have noticed. i dont like pople, in general, independently yes i find good people, but majority aka general i dont like. im anti social not sure which came first though.

babies im ok with i take care of them and i love babies, children like elementary scare me and creep me out. their innocence is like unreal and i dont know what they do for fun or anything. at that age i didnt have friends and was pinned on a bed or pelvic level since i was short (chills) ugh sounds sick so their innocence feels unreal and i dont know what to do (no in no way means i am gonna do what was done to me) but that part of my life is not innocent at all so seeing them reminds me of it all and what i missed out on. teens tend to be brats and drama queens over materialistic things. adults well got some good some bad experiences so half the time i dont know how to 'read' them

alot of writing. just getting stuff out its 5:10 a.m. my sleeping is still not good my body uses the bit of energy for soo long i just cant sleep sometimes even my eyes begin to burn but i cant sleep. i resort to taking benadryl to drowse me out but i hate pills. those are the only pills i take i refuse advi or any other medical for headaches and such.

ima have to take one since yesterday i didnt till 11 a.m. without one then awoke at 2 p.m. and here iam and without a nap wellhopefully i will sleep good nigh...morning i should say bye

June 19, 2009
6:54 am
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sunshine88
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just keep writing here lluvia, and watch how life unfolds its wonders to you. self-expression is good. it's never easy, life, but we get through. we're here for u always, luv

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