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!!!!Not Enough of Me!!!!!
September 17, 2009
7:49 am
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Quicksand
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September 27, 2010
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HI EVERYBODY,
BRAND NEW HERE. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CODEPENDENT AND YEARS AGO I FELT I HAD A GRIP ON IT BUT FEEL I AM SO STUCK AGAIN.
I USED TO LOVE TO BE A CARETAKER BECAUSE I RECEIVED MY GOOD FEELINGS FROM IT AND NOW I JUST WANT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF DESPERATELY BECAUSE IT HAS TAKEN IT'S TOLL THROUGH THE YEARS. UNFORTUNATELY PEOPLE ARE SO USED TO MY BEHAVIOR THEY WON'T LET GO.
I WORK 45 HOURS A WEEK AS A MANAGER WITH TRAVEL TIME, VISIT A DAD IN A NURSING HOME WITH ALZHEIMERS 35 MILES AWAY,TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER'S HOME(SNOWBIRD)RUN A HOUSEHOLD,WORK ON A HOME ON THE WEEKENDS THAT HAS BEEN FLOODED,WATCH OVER MY STEPMOM WHO DOSEN'T DRIVE 35 MILES AWAY. NOW MY MOM SAYS SHE WANTS TO LIVE HERE IN THIS STATE WITH A HUSBAND THAT NEEDS A HEART VALVE REPLACEMENT BUT WON'T HAVE THE SURGERY...2 DAYS AGO I FOUND OUT THEY THINK MY STEPMOM HAS COLON CANCER....NOW MIND YOU SHE HAS 4 CHILDREN IN ANOTHER STATE WHO REFUSED TO HELP AND I HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC SISTER WHO LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE AS WELL WHO IS USELESS. MY HUSBAND HAS CHRONIC COPD AND REFUSES TO QUIT SMOKING WITH AN AGE DIFFERENCE SO I WONDER IF I WILL BE TAKING CARE OF HIM TO.
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ANYBODY.I DID IT MY WHOLE LIFE,I FEEL IT'S MY TURN BUT I CAN'T GET OUT. I HAVE ASKED EVERYBODY FOR HELP AND GOT NOWHERE. ANY IDEAS, IM DESPERATE.

September 17, 2009
9:12 am
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It No Longer Matters
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September 27, 2010
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I don't have any idea's right now, but keep posting. Have you considered just running away for a weekend to recharge yourself?

Bitsy

September 17, 2009
9:18 am
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atalose
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September 24, 2010
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Quicksand,

Welcome, glad you found us. We codies are much like alcoholics and addicts, if we don’t continue to work a program we will relapse.

When you said you got a grip on your codependency years ago, how’d you do that? Did you seek professional therapy, group meetings, reading book? What did you do for you to get control over your codependency? Sounds like you may need to revisit that again. Did you learn about setting healthy boundaries for yourself?

It’s two fold, yes people do get used to our behavior and won’t let go but we have a major role in that as well, we don’t speak up for ourselves and we don’t set healthy boundaries.

What is it that YOU want for your life? And do you feel you are expected to take care of others and can’t say no?

You mentioned that you used to love being the caretaker because that is how you received “good feeling” about yourself, maybe you haven’t resolved that issues and that’s what keeps you saying “yes” all the time to everyone else’s needs.

Low self esteem is the root issue with us codies and if we don’t built that up for ourselves we will continue to seek it externally from others.

I know for me personal I always had a feeling of “obligation” in HAVING to help my family. I had built a lot of resentment towards my mother and father when they began to age and NEEDED me for everything. They were aging but they were not ill or crippled and were very capably of taking care of many of the things they wanted me to do for them. I began to not be so available to them. I learned to say yes to things I didn’t mind doing and no to things I did. I learned to set boundaries such as not running right over there when my mom wanted something from the store and instead told her to make a list as I was only going to go to the store once a week and not everyday. She can drive but found it far easier to just have me do it. The more I stuck to my boundary the more she began to do for herself and less I carried on my shoulders.

Maybe if you sit down and make a list of the things you don’t mind doing, like checking on a empty house once a month instead of once a week and begin to work a plan for yourself on what works for you and won’t just doesn’t.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 18, 2009
7:12 am
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Quicksand
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HI,
THANK YOU BOTH FOR RESPONDING. ATALOSE AS TO YOUR QUESTION,15 YEARS AGO WHEN I GOT SOBER FROM ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ABUSE(STILL SOBER)I'M EMBARASSED TO SAY I RECEIVED COUNCELLING,CODA MEETINGS AND READ MANY BOOKS....SURE HIT THE SKIDS SINCE THEN.
HOW DO I FEEL I RECOVERED, I CHEATED, I MOVED AWAY FROM N.Y. TO FLORIDA TO GET AWAY,LIFE WAS GOOD, I GOT HEALTHY....THEN THE FAMILY ALL STARTED FOLLOWING ME DOWN.
MY DAD WAS ALREADY HERE BUT WE NEVER HAD MUCH OF A RELATIONSHIP AND AFTERALL HE WAS 35 MILES AWAY....
YES, YOU NAILED IT. I FEEL OBLIGATED.FEEL IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.(MY FAVORITE SAYING) I USED TO SEE MY DAD IN THE NURSING HOME 2 TIMES A WEEK,NOW JUST ONCE SEEN AS HIS WIFE IS 2 MILES AWAY FROM IT. I HOOKED HER UP WITH VOTRAN SO SHE CAN GET OUT WHENEVER SHE WANTS TO SO I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE HER ANYWHERE ANYMORE. SHE WAS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE SO I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN HER HOME FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.I SOMETIMES RUN INTO HER AT THE NURSING HOME. WE TOOK DAD OUT TO CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY WHICH OPENED THE DOOR AND THE NEXT MONTH SHE IS IN THE HOSPITAL,EXTREMELY SICK SO I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND STAYED WITH HER FOR HER SURGERY,TOOK HER HOME,GOT PRESCRIPTIONS...YES GRITTING MY TEETH THE WHOLE TIME BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN A WITCH TO ME HER WHOLE LIFE,FEELING OBLIGATED,YET HATING TO DO IT.SHE SAYS HER KIDS FINALLY CALLED BACK AND WANT TO SEND ME A THANK YOU CARD. LIKE THAT OUGHT TO COVER IT WHEN SHE NEEDS HELP. SHE HASN'T SEEN HER KIDS IN OVER 15 YEARS YET I FOUND OUT PUT THEIR SAVING IN A BIG TRUST FOR THEM.DAD DOSEN'T KNOW BECAUSE WHEN WE HAD TO GET MEDICAID THEY HAD TO TRANSFER ALL THE SAVINGS INTO HER NAME OR THEY WOULD LOSE IT. SHE NEVER WORKED AND MY DAD MADE GREAT MONEY. (HE IS MENTALLY LONG GONE SO HE DIDN'T KNOW).I WHO HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF BOTH OF THEM FOR 10 YEARS. I GET A SMALL LIFE INSURANCE POLICY THAT IS A WHOLE LIFE POLICY WHICH SHE CAN CASH IN AT ANYTIME AND MIGHT HAVE ALREAY DONE SO.
I SOUND CRAZY,I FEL CRAZY AND I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR ALLOWING PEOPLE TO USE ME ONE MORE TIME. I MUST BE IN DENIAL BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE SELF ESTEEM,I LIKE MYSELF,I DON'T THINK I DESERVE TO LET PEOPLE TREAT ME BADLY BUT I GUESS I DON'T OR I WOULD NOT DO IT. I GUESS I COULD BACK OFF ON THE HOUSE..STILL PUZZLED AS TO WHAT TO DO IF SHE NEEDS TREATMENT. I HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING...HER KIDS WON'T COME. AN AIDE? HOPEFULLY SHE CAN AFFORD ONE. MY HUSBAND'S RESPONSE,JUST LET HER DIE. O.K. THEN.
I LIKE YOUR RESPONSE YOUR VERY HONEST AND THAT IS WHAT HELPS US FIGURE IT OUT.

THANKS AGAIN.

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