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Not coping very will with recent breakup...
April 13, 2001
9:37 pm
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pixkat
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Wow! This is the first time I've ever posted something like this on the internet, but in reading some of the other messages and reader's response I thought they were pretty helpful

I'm 27 years old and my boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me. I'm trying to handle it but it is difficult because I love him so very much. The last 2 years of our relationship weren't the happiest and it all stemmed from when I got back from Europe and he wasn't able to meet me at the airport due to school - but he was able to get the prior weekend off to go hunting. Ever since then every little thing got to me and created an argument.

First it was his ex that I became infatuatedly jealous of (for no reason); then it was his sister; then any female that he gave attention to - sister, mom, friend, student, co-worker; and hunting always remainded a stick in my side. So as you can see it is all me, but I don't feel I should take 100% blame for my failed relationship even though he did the best he could to make me happy nothing was ever enough!

I went to see a counselor - which I need to see again I think - and he said I am a Co-Dependent. I reasearched it on the internet and yes I fit it, but how it came about I don't know. I come from a VERY loving family. Not alcoholic, abusive, nothing.

Well my delima is this (sorry for being so long winded): I Love this guy VERY much; I am going to focus on curing my co-dependence; but I need to know if he will ever come back to me. He said I was the perfect girl. When he was breaking up with me he said it was him, not me and that he loved me but was no longer "in love" with me. Three years is a long time and we did build something really special. I just want him back so bad it hurts.

Any insight would be helpful and again I apologize for the wordines! Thanks!

April 14, 2001
12:21 am
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counslr336
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Let me give you some possible definitions of love, if your partner of 3 years does not fit into any of this , it is time to let go. Love is caring about the well-being,happiness,and growth of peaple you love.Love is not just a feeling;true love shows itself in actions.Love is protecting your loved ones from emotional or physical pain,helping and streghtening them,and improving thier lives,without asking to be repaid.Love is sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.Love accepts imperfaction in others.Love is never rude,selfish,irritable,nor prone to ANGER.Love finds the strength to continue loving,supportig,believing in,and helping loved ones even when it becomes difficult. Digest this definitions and we will see that they apply to many us. God bless

April 14, 2001
12:06 pm
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pixkat
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Counselor:

Actually my partner does fit those defintions however parts of me do not. My parter had to end this relationship because I was making it difficult. My love was selfish, rude, jealous, irritable and quick to anger. I ran into him today and told him that I'm hurting and he said he is hurting too, but shows it differently. I have this achy feeling all over. And now I'm afraid that I may be ruining any future hopes with him. I need to focus on me and it is so difficult because I don't know if I ever have focused on just me. I had great concern with him when I discovered some correspondence between him and a former student - seemed a bit odd, but he explained it was correspondence between friends and that he hasn't spoken to her since our break-up (which I somehow can't believe because they e-mail eachother VERY frequently). He said our problem is that I can't seem to trust and believe in him. And part of me really can't. Sad to say, but he never tells me anything. I told him it is hard for me be trusting of someone who doesn't seem to trust in me. I am so confused and feel ridiculous because I'm 27 and should be a lot more level than this! I don't know what to make out of his actions and words - well his actions are clear, avoidance, but the things he says.... I am a head case aren't I?! Thanks again and I could really use all the advice I can get!

April 14, 2001
5:14 pm
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Molly
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Co-dependent or not when someone says no, its hard to accept. It just hurts. A very normal reaction is to get the pity pot out,and obcess. Right now what you need to do, is accept, sucks but in this relm, at this time you have no choice, other wise you look unhealthy, and if you followed through on your insecurity at this time, could look like a stalker. Now laugh. Get out and play, go exercise, get with some girl friends, eat icecream, and focus on you. You need to create a life, to be busy to be whole with out this guy or any guy by your side. We women get out of balance real easy in relationships, everything about them, and them and us. We get lost, get needy and suck them dry, they get frustrated jumping through the hoops, and often it ends up like this, I did everything I could to please you, and you want more. This is what they call co-dependent. Go to the library, read up on the stuff, go back to your counselor and get the pain out but most of all, get busy, get your hair done, take a new class, but focus on you. Try reading Phil McGraw's book relational rescue, and look at how you were as a partner, I found it very insightful. It was hard to be honest with my self, but it stopped me from looking at what my mate did or did not do, vs look at what I did or did not do. It doesn't matter if your 17,27, or 57 this relationship stuff is hard. Now quit crying quit wondering and go do.

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