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Normie in 3 year relationship with 20 yr clean addict..need some advice
June 7, 2005
8:18 pm
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lavieja
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I've been in a strong relationship with a man whom I dearly love for three years. I truly believe he loves me. He's 18 years clean and is a drug,alcohol, domestic violence counselor at a local counseling agency with most of their clients count appointed. There has recently been some trust issues with him. I found out he'd been communicating with a woman who was once his client. He's been talking to her by phone and visiting her at her home. When I found out, he explained he'd been "helping" her as she's going through difficult times. We both believe in helping whenever we can, but the fact that he kept this secret many months had me really upset. He agreed not to see her. Couple months later, I accidentally ran into him as he was leaving her place. I know this man and truly believe there is no physical cheating (sex) going on, but I can't help be jealous/upset over the fact he has this whole "relationship" with her even after he told me he would not see her again. First of all, I question whether he should be seeing her outside the place of business since he is licensed only through his employer. We have discussed the relationship and he has apologized profusely for having gone there when he knows he said he wouldn't. He again promises not to go and obviously, I don't have a lot of reason to believe that. My actual question is this. In discussing the possibility of continuing our relationship, I told him I would need to meet this woman. IF it is truly one human being helping out another, I'll know when I meet her. He says he can't do that as there are confidentiality issues with the fact that she was a client and their counseling firm offers continued care after graduating the class. I suggested he ask her and he insists he can't do this. Does anyone know if this is true or not? I don't really think so because franknly, I don't think it is ethical for him to continue seeing a client outside of the facility. Outside of the fact that I'm probably an idiot for even considering seeing this guy again, let alone carrying on the relationship, what are your thoughts? Please note...he is really a very wonderful man, considerate and caring and always willing to talk out our problems, more often than not, much more so than I am. That's why this whole situation has teken me by surprise.

June 7, 2005
8:24 pm
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Randomwomen2
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unfortunatly i belive it to be true he is not alowed to give up her identity to anyone. I think that maybe you and he should have some counceling if he will agree to it cause this seems like a big problem cause it has to do with the trust factor. Sorry i dont have time to write more but i will be back soon

June 8, 2005
8:57 am
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jastypes
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Confidentiality may be an issue here, but if he asks, and she agrees, then she is waiving confidentiality. He is certainly permitted to ask, and she is certainly permitted to decline.

I think the more important issue here is that it is raising a RED FLAG to you, and if I've learned anything in my 45 years of life, it is DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS.

jill

June 8, 2005
9:49 am
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shyshy
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Isn't there anyone else in his office that can help this woman? Why does it have to be him? Or, is there anyway they can meet and talk in a public place? Why does it have to be at home?

June 8, 2005
2:13 pm
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kathygy
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It doesn't sound right that he is going to her home. The fact that he has lied to you about seeing her makes me wonder what else he is lying about. I wouldn't trust his explanation of the relationship especially since he's been secretive about it. You say he is always willing to talk about your problems. How willing is he to talk about this one? A relationship requires trust. You don't have that. Your relationship may not be as strong as you say it is. For the relationship to survive, I believe he needs to be COMPLETELY open and honest about what has been going on with this woman. If he is not willing to do that I would leave.

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