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No strength for this
March 25, 2006
6:42 am
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ryny143
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I just woke up and already I'm obsessing. My heart is constantly pounding. Nothing makes me okay. I wish I had male figures in my life, like my dad, but I dont. I miss my bf and its only been 2 days. I hope the space is all he needs, and that I am helping him to realize how much we need to be together. I just want to calm down & be okay, but I dont want to do anything but sleep. How could he do this to me after all I've done & put up with from him. Today is gonna be rough

March 25, 2006
6:55 am
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ryny143
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Can I call him? I think I need to, but my "strategy" is to make him come back to ME. I want to sleep again, but I cant bc my heart is beating so hard. I know he will be ok with seeing me, and I want to settle. Why am I trying to force him into this relationship? I need him even if its only 1/2 of him.. WHat should I do?

March 25, 2006
6:59 am
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startingover
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RYNY,

DON'T CALL! Talk to us, read some of these threads, and please know that you will not feel like this forever. You don't need him, or anybody. You will have better relationships - ones where you don't have to grovel.

I'm here...can write back shortly.
Ryny, are you in danger of harming yourself?

SO

March 25, 2006
7:03 am
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ryny143
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I'm not, but yes, I do feel like my whole life is gone & that I wish it were over. I am not ballsy enough to do anything though.

We are supposed to be together, and yesterday was the 1st day we didnt talk. I thought I'd hear from him. Whats bad about calling him? I want him in my life

March 25, 2006
7:41 am
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startingover
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Ryny,

You said on your other thread that he tolds you he "wants space". So - give it to him. You're really doing it for yourself. What does he mean by he "wants out of the insanity". Do you argue a lot / financial probs / alcohol or other drugs?

Do you have a doctor you could see? It's OK to use anti-anxiety meds briefly, if they're ordered. Can you go to an Al-Anon meeting? Although they speak mostly of alcohol, the 12 step program is very effective for drugs or relationship problems like codependency.

I don't know your situation, but am concerned about you. I'm sorry you are hurting.

SO

March 25, 2006
7:47 am
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ryny143
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The insanity is the arguing. I always thought of it as him being emotionally abusive (& sometimes verbally), and my reactions were just too much for him. I regret not just taking things a little less seriously. I just thought of a "plan" and now I'm getting stuck on it. Please tell me what you think.

If I dont hear from him within a few days (not sure when), I will wirte him an e-mail, not call him. I will tell him my feelings & how I am ready to be together, but not so intensely & that I can give him space IN the relationship. I want to tell him to meet me somewhere @ some time and say that if he wants to try again, I will be there. If he doesnt show up, I will continue leaving him alone & know its over. WHat do u think?

March 25, 2006
7:54 am
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Zinnie
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Ryny,

Let me ask you this - what has he done to you that hurts the most? That if you think back to that instance/incident makes you realize "maybe this is NOT for me?"

Z

March 25, 2006
7:56 am
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ryny143
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I've tried that. Doesnt work. I look back and although he was pretty mean a lot of the time, so was I. Thinking of those things only makes me blame myself equally or more. I was obsessed with him, and pushed him away. I hate myself for that.

March 25, 2006
8:02 am
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startingover
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Ryny,

I'm writing this while waiting for your response. I work nights, and I'm getting ready to go to bed. I'll check later to hear from you. Can you agree not to call him until later / maybe pick a time and stick to it. Can you take care of you today, until you make your call?

I started a thread here over a month ago. It's called "Codependency and Addiction". I've (talked?) to you before, I think. My posts are long, I was major stressing - I thought I was having a heart attack once. I tried a lot of different things. I was "dumped" for someone else. It's real sick. He uses heavy drugs, and is 43, now with a very young girlfriend. He lives right down the street, so I get to drive by his house and see her car there all night, all the time. It was there before he dumped me. He told me it was a male friend in a band he wants to join, and that they were "playing music". (Well, isn't that original?!)

I'm 45. That probably sounds ancient to you. I got married (Not to the man I describe above - he was a friend / boyfriend for 2 years). when I was 23. I was married almost 20 years. I have three children with this man. He moved out when I had the third baby. I mean as in dropped me off at the hospital and disappeared. So, although I was married to him 20 years and didn't know where he was most of the time, I had NO man in my life from my ages of 30-42. NO NOTHING. No sex, male contact, nothing but raising children and working all the time.

The reason I say this is - I was 23 then. I wasted a lot of years, and have had a very rewarding but hard life. I work all the time. I wish I could do it over again. (Other than my children, of course, they are a blessing and truly all I have).

Please choose wisely the man who you spend your life with, or even a lot of your time. Think of yourself, value yourself, don't ever play second-best. Life is precious. Even though you are hurting terribly, there is happiness ahead.

Thinking of you. Write to us.

SO

March 25, 2006
8:03 am
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Zinnie
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Ryny,

Work with me here...

This is something I suggested a few years ago to others on this site, and many were happy it worked for them - it worked for me.

Here is what you do.

You think of two things - the first the fact that he was mean to you, etc.

The second - HOW & WHAT do you want your life to be in three months in a way that does not include him? What books do you want to have read? What paintings to you want to have seen or better yet painted? Do you want a pet? What kind? What type of training will you be able to give the pet now that your are having some free healthy time? Overall, picture yourself happy WITHOUT him.

Then, take a rubberband and put it around your wrist.

When you begin to think about your ex SNAP! Change your thought pattern to your "happy thoughts" and act on it. Open a book (or whatever) and begin doing what it is that you envision yourself doing. When the next thought comes, SNAP, repeat.

You will be amazed at how quickly your thinking begins to retrain.

Z.

March 25, 2006
8:14 am
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startingover
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Zinnie

Great idea, thanks! I'm looking for a rubber band! I may need a few of them, large ones so I can snap the hell out of them if I ever think I need to beg a junkie to be his friend! Glad to be back to my senses. Really enjoyed your post!

Ryny, Really like your plan. No contact. Remember those words. Just say it over and over. You'll know when it's time to contact him (or not).

I'm going to bed. I'll check on you Ryny. Please keep talking to the people here. They saved my life. At least, it felt like I was dying or would rather be dead than hurting like I did, and now I'm OK.

Take care all, have a better day, Ryny.

SO

March 25, 2006
8:15 am
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ryny143
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Startingover- Thanks for caring. I'm sorry all that happened to you, but I'm glad your okay now. I really feel that I will never feel so complete, with anyone but him. At this point I am still stuck on the thought of this really only being space, and that we will be back soon. No matter what makes logical sense, I cant imagine ever being glad that we arent together, or mad that I wasted time on him. Maybe I'm just irrational now? All I want is a hug, from him.....

Zinnie- Thanks to you, too. I've heard of that rubberband trick but already, when I feel panicky & desperate, I hurt myself (not serious, but like dig my nails into myskin or bite my hand)- it doesnt make me stop thinking about him though. I probably sound so nuts to you, but I'm really not- just very empty & sad.

Please give me your opinions on my newly thought of "plan". I want to send him an e-mail if I dont hear from him in a couple days. I want to tell him I am ready to be in a less stressful relationship with him and that he can have his space while we are together. I will write that if he is willing & ready, to meet me somewhere (like the bookstore at 8 on Tuesday, or something). I will go there, and if he doesnt show up, I will continue no contact, and move on. Please give opinions on IF, when, and how I should do this.

March 25, 2006
8:39 am
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ryny143
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March 25, 2006
9:25 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Ryny,

If you wait until Tuesday, how much time will have elapsed since he asked you for time and space?

I have not been on the site for a long time so I don't "know" your story - but you do sound young. If you will allow me... let me give you some advice.

I know you don't believe this now, but, you WILL survive this. I promise you. I did, so did many others. And, you know what? After surviving the loss of my "one true love" at the ripe old age of 18 or 19 - guess what? I went on to meet and date some incredible people. Some I only dated once or twice, some for a bit, some became "just friends" - one of whom would you believe I just became a Godmother to his new daughter! Then, I went on to marry a wonderful man. He passed away, much too young, and again I thought my life was over, but it wasn't! I promise you, it wasn't. I began dating again, and I am happy to say that I have been happily married now for almost 16 years to a man that 25 years ago I would have never believed existed.

Just know this, you are SO above this... really you are. You are a worthwhile person, and you know what? If he does not want to spend time with you - then perhaps he is NOT worth spending time with.

Z.

March 25, 2006
9:32 am
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ryny143
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Zinnie your right. I am 24 and all I know is him. At this moment though, he is all I want to know. People my age do nothing but go to clubs & bars, and for some reason, I HATE it there. I went through a phase when I liked that stuff, but all I really want is s comfy, serious relationship like I had, DESPITE the cyclic insanity. All I can do right now is blame myself, when during the craziness, I felt the opposite.

On Tuesday it will have been 5 days since he asked for space. An e-mail I think is easier than calling, bc it's not 100% emotion-causing. As soon as I thought up this idea, I feel a little better. ANy hope helps & I'm riding on it right now. Bad idea?

March 25, 2006
9:38 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Ryny,

Oh sweetie, in the grand scheme of things - 24 IS so young! But, at the same time, you gave your heart to this man and I know you are hurting.

I know at that age, yes, clubs and bars are the things - and sure settling down does sound comfortable. But, if there was constant conflict then it is time to see what needs to change.

Five days is not a long time - what I would suggest is this - write the e-mail, but don't send it. Wait for 28 days... then send it. If he does not show, then you know where you stand. In the meantime, serioiusly get out and DO something! Anything. See a movie, take a walk, read a book - do anything you can to keep your mind off of him. Like I said earlier, I know it hurts right now, been there, done that... but the longer you are apart - the less it hurts.

Also... FYI - the "Mr. Wonderful" that broke my heart? He has been married eight or nine times and has been arrested a few times for beating his wives...

Life really does go on!

Love,

Z.

March 25, 2006
9:46 am
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ryny143
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I think Im gonna go to a mall & the bookstore. Thanks for caring- I appreciate it. I really dont think I can wait 28 days, but I HOPE TO GOD I hear from him sooner than that. If he has no one else, I know I will. Thanks again. Sometimes I really just wish we had a child together......then we would have to keep in contact....I am extremely irrational lately

March 25, 2006
9:52 am
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taj64
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Have you read the book Codependency No More by Melody Beattie? Once I read that book I was amazed at how I saw myself. It opened my eyes. It was painful to read yet gave me the power to want to change. I have had many set backs since I read that book yet I have made a lot of progress too. You worship the ground he walks on yet he is mentally abusive to you. Until you put the focus on you and what you want, you really cannot move forward. Yes take a rubberband and snap it hard. Think of all the cruel things he says to you and snap it hard. It makes it easier not to make that call.After awhile you discover yourself, have more respect for yourself, then you see and wonder what all the anxiety was for over a man who doesn't really treat you as good as you deserve. It is called romanticizing and living in fantasy, wishing it could be when all along it never really was. Your are really bargaining right now. A quick fix is not going to help you at all, it is temporary. For me when I went through this, I got physically sick as well so I did get some medicine to help me for anxiety and also depression. many people are against it but it helped me.I help to make me focus better and calm for awhile. I didn't take away all my pains but it allowed to at least feel better so I didn't walk around with the anxiety. I so understand your feelings. You just have to take each day, minute by minute if you have to and think constantly about the rest of your life. Know that the answer is not exactly clear but time will allow it. Give this man the space he asked for. This space is for you too. Remember to be gentle to yourself. Again read this book, seek recovery for yourself.

March 25, 2006
9:52 am
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Zinnie
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Oh Ryny,

If you really disagree this much, then I beg you PLEASE DO NOT HAVE A CHILD - how unfair to bring a child into the fray...

Additionally, that does not guarantee contact - think of how many single mothers there are on this site alone that are struggling to make due because the fathers/exes do not pay child support, or are mean to the kids, or go out and have new families.

Yes, 28 days is a long time - or so it seems now, but it really isn't I promise.

Have a good day... I need to scoot - it it past midnight here - and I need to get to bed.

Love,

Z.

March 25, 2006
3:44 pm
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startingover
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Ryny

I think your idea ia a good one. I also would advise you to wait longer if you can, but I think Tuesday is a reasonable short-term goal.

It's hard when everyone tells you, as we have, that it will get better, or you will love others and be loved, or that having a baby with this man will make likely you a single, struggling Mom, and still without this man.

Like Taj, I take an anti-anxiety medicine occasionally. They are meant for short-term use, as they are addictive and desirable because they make you very calm. I think it's good to have on hand, because when all else fails, it works. I would recommend seeing a doctor if you continue to feel anxious or obsessive.

"If he has no one else, I know I will". ?? I don't understand. Are you afraid to be alone? Some people are. I am not.

I hope you got out to the mall and bookstore. The book Taj recommmended is a great one, try to find it if you can. Eat well, drink enough, try to take care of yourself.

Write back, we are here for you.

SO

March 25, 2006
5:56 pm
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readyforachange
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ryny...I think the mall and a bookstore is a great idea. Please do something special for yourself when you get back. Take a walk, listen to your favorite music, take a bubble bath, read a good book. Zinnie is right, you are so young. I understand that people your age tend to go to clubs, and that may not be for you. You can meet people in so many different places (like bookstores!). Take a class, join a gym, volunteer somewhere. You have lots of life to live, and plenty to offer to other people. Do what makes you happy, and you will heal. You are stronger than you think...take care of yourself...

March 25, 2006
7:28 pm
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inalotofpain66
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Dear Ryny.......I could barely stand it when we first stopped seeing each other. I don't have any advice that will make it better......but I found that going to AA meetings helped, even tho I don't drink. Also there's a CD by Pema Chodron that helped called Getting Unstuck. I don't know how I made it through that time, but it was hell. One day at a time. It will get better, that's what people here said.

Will you really be OK if he doesn't meet you at the bookstore? Or what if he does meet you but is still ambivalent about being in the relationship? Can you go with a friend if you go to the bookstore, so you're not alone?

March 25, 2006
11:43 pm
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caliseth
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ryny
i am worried about you. don't give up, don't make the call, if he really wants to have space you have to trust it's for the best.
i know how you feel, but please, don't call. do everything you have to do, go and take a walk, go and find books, or call a friend. you will survive this, and gain alot, i assure you.
i wish i could be of more help, but you know you are not alone, everyone here wants you to be better.

cali

March 26, 2006
4:25 am
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alycia
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It hurts 100 times more with a child because once the pain heals u wish they were never around and mine will be around forever and i hate that thought, it really makes me sick sometimes.

You need to be strong, no emails, no calls, wait for him... You sound very much in love but also u sound very full on, i mean no harm with that.

You do not want half a relationship, dont settle for this by what u plan to say in the email......Of course u guys need space but if u email he will think wow this chic cant live without me for a minute, i really can do what i like when i like, that is what will happen.

Please think like me and remember if he isnt calling and seems to be fine, why shouldnt i, at the end of the day its ur call but the email is a bad idea.

You said he said he was pissed at you cause u called his friend so please relax and wait for him, he perhaps wants to see if u can live without him also.

You are gonna be fine and he will call and u know that so please just wait and be strong, go out, see friends, get out of that house and bed....... u will be ok

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