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no sex. can anyone help?????
August 6, 2005
12:27 pm
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Jasmine
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Hi there, I got a problem.... I don¡¦t know how to deal with it..... this is embarrassing.... I don't know who to ask. just want to ask: does anyone have experienced the loss of sex drive? I mean, my relationship with my boyfriend is quite good. However, whenever he wanted to have sex with me. I just don't feel like doing it... At first, we just thought that maybe we are not that close.....but years gone, I still don't feel anything whenever he touches me...... I feel like I am so bad to him....this is so frustrating......it is still OK for now. but what if when we got married? can we live a relationship without sex? what's the problem with me? i just can do it............

August 6, 2005
10:34 pm
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dandilion
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i have this issue. i sometimes have relief now. the issue is intimacy, being vulnerable and control. it is hard for me because i was in a coodependency relationship. i was raised coodependent i now realize. that is why i chose my husband. open share groups and 12 step program has gave me a lot of healing. something is wrong or you would have a sex drive, so start working on it. asking for help is a start and you did that. look up a celebrate recovery in your area. it is a church program, it is the best i know and it has helped tremendously. if your boyfriend is not an alcoholic or drug addict this can still be problem if it is in your family history or his.

August 7, 2005
1:03 am
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griff
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Jasmine: I am going through this here at home with my wife. She feels same way toward me as you do toward your partner. I am realizing that I am a Co-Dep and my relationship with my wife has not been healthy and pleasing to her. I am in counseling now and reading everything I can to make my marriage and family better. It is a slow process. I think you are not getting what you need from relationship. Its how my wife feels.
Good luck

August 7, 2005
4:51 am
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alyssa
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I don't know what my problem is exactly. I guess I try not to think about it too much. I can enjoy intercourse but for the most part I don't enjoy my husband touching me. It frustrates him but i don't know how to communicate with him about it. mostly because i don't know what to say. I don't really know why i am reacting this way.

Griff: Can I ask how you and your wife started talking about the problem. You seem to really want everything to all work out for your family. Good for you. and maybe you can be of help to us on here too. good-luck!

August 7, 2005
8:20 pm
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rmckayx2
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This is a topic that ive debated for years.. I dated a woman in Seattle in the early 90's. We had a long distance thing for awhile before I moved in with her. Man- was she co-dependant. Of course- she pushed all of my codependant buttons after I moved in, and we were fighting constantly within a month. Sex for me with her became more and more unappealing simply because I could sense that she used that availability of sex as a way of making herself feel safe in a relationship. I think that when you're dating someone- you want that person to feel a passion for sex because they see something unique or special in you. I think that in a serious relationship- sex should compliment other things that are good between two people. I didn't want to be physical with someone who was having sex with men because she was petrified of being alone. I found the experience disturbing. A complete turnoff to the point where I began to experience anorgasmia. (sex without orgasm)
What im' trying to say is- that sex drive is related to many factors in my opinion. Honesty, respect, lust, good hygiene, self respect and passion..

August 8, 2005
3:30 am
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ACryForHelp
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First off I am Female.

Second, Listen to your physiatrist and Dr. Drew of Love Line…They were right on the button when this happened to me…

At first I thought that there must be something wrong with me… But there wasn't anything WRONG with me physically… my body knew a LOT more then I was willing to admit...

MY BODY realized that the relationship I was in was all wrong for me…
MY BODY realized that I was co-dep and had lost control
MY BODY KNEW A LOT MORE THEN THE REST OF ME!

So 1 of 2 things is happening in your case:
1. There is a biological issue with you that a doctor might be able to fix with various creams and hormones.
2. Your BODY knows that the relationship is unhealthy but your MIND refuses to accept the reality of this situation because it is scary to make such a drastic change.

Listen to your body, sit down and take account of your life, talk to your partner…and make any changes that are necessary for both mental AND physical happiness… They are linked A TON more then you have been lead to belive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I know that if #2 is your relationship then it will be REALLY hard to make any changes but take my word for it…

If your issue is a Codep Relationship and you get out of it you will notice a WORLD of difference once you regain your mental stability!

I literally went from being NUMB FROM THE EARLOBES DOWN to being a normal, fully functional, sexual being!

I went from being a Totaled Fiat to a Cherry Mustang! I can’t believe that I went so long being numb now that I know what it is like to be WHOLE.

I wish you the best no matter what you do but since you are at THIS website I am guessing that you realize that your issues are not physical…

Good Luck friend!

August 8, 2005
4:12 am
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garfield9547
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Hi Jasmine

I also had this problem for a long time. It came out in therapy that I was a parentified child. Go and read a bit on that.
My mother is a very angry immature person. If I have something she also wants it and my dad is a Narcissist. Being treated as an OBJECT as a child gave me this problems with intimacy. You have to be emotionally avalable person and I was not. It has been very hard, but I have improved a lot. What do you think?
Garfield

August 8, 2005
6:00 am
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Jasmine
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yeah, it's right, i feel totally numb.........I think the problem is on me. I always have the problem about intimacy. can't be too intimate with anyone........

how can i know if i am really a codep? I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend what is codep....

August 8, 2005
11:48 am
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griff
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alysa:

It started by my beginning to understand my history. Where I came from as a child. I have been in counseling since December trying to figure out why my relationship with my wife is faultering. I have learned that my mother raised me to become co-dependant to her.
Our discovery started when we went in for marriage counseling together for one session first.
Then she went in by herself for a couple of sessions. I was at a point where I knew I had to figure out what was wrong with my relationship with my wife or I would end up divorced and I did not want that. My wife went in alone so she could figure out why she felt so detached from me. The counselor brought up the point to my wife that I sounded like I had co-dependancy issues. They spent a lot of time discussing it and my wife did some research on the internet. She came home and sat me down and said. "I have something to discuss with you and it will be very hard to hear" I knew I had to listen to her so we can repair our marriage. What she told me made sense and fit in with many issues I was experiencing. I knew we had made a huge discovery. Recovery has started but I have a long way to go. One of the big things that my wife did about 2 months ago was to refuse to have sex with me and she kept telling me that she did not feel attracted to me that way, that she felt more like a caretaker than my wife. That was hard to hear and it hurt but eventually it started to sink in. I must admit that I was at a point where I knew I had to figure out my problem. Now I must learn to be patient. My wife still loves me and we are rebuilding our relationship in a much healthier way. We are still not making love (having sex) ,which is very difficult, but I dont want her to feel that it is just an act done to please only me. That is not healthy for either of us. I also read this book: "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It helped me understand that my wife was not getting her Love tank filled. I thank God for the patience of my wife. She is awesome!!!! I look forward to my recovery and my future with my wife.

August 8, 2005
1:09 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi Griff

I am amazed by your story. Exactly the same happened to me and my husband. We went into therapy about 18 months ago. Cannot believe it has been this long. I was more than a mother to my husband than a wife. He never got the real love from his mother although she is a clinical psychologist. Can you believe it???
I am a counterdependent person and my husband a codependent. They also say even if you are counterdependent you are also codependent. My husband sexdrive made me mad. He USED me to satify his own unsolved emotional childhood needs. He never knew and I never knew. I was just so glad that this came out in therapy, because I was always seen as the COLD FISH. I am much colder sexually and he went overboard. I have problems. I always knew it, BUT he also had problems. We used sex for the wrong reasons. Both of us are not emotionally mature when it comes to sex. We are starting now to learn. I can say no, and this is very difficult for both of us, but I no longer agree to sex JUST to please him. He also realized that he always thinks about sex and this is not normal. His fantasies is gone which created a HUGE problem, but we are working through this. Please, anybody reply

Garfield

August 8, 2005
2:23 pm
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kathygy
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Codependency is when you are focused on other people and not on yourself. You put other people's needs ahead of yours. You try to act the way you think other people want you to act. Your feelings depend on others feelings. For example, if your partner is angry at you than you must have done something wrong. Its also staying in a relationhsip that is not good for you.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your fears around intimacy? Is he willing to help you work through your fears? If you don't enjoy his touch then you need to set boundaries and not let your boyfriend touch you until you have worked through your fears. It is your body, you do not have to service your boyfriend. Setting boundaries is a way of building trust if your boyfriend can honor those boundaries. If he can't or won't then he's not worth it. You deserve someone to love you who cares deeply about your comfort and will respect your boundaries.

love,
kathy

August 8, 2005
2:39 pm
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griff
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Garfield:

I was so glad to read your response.
I guess I don't feel so alone. I am scared about what seems a long way to recovery. I fear the thought of not being with my wife sexually but I understand that it was a not a healthy type of love and I need to deal with the other issues so that I can experience real love with my wife. I am very hopeful for my future. I spent 5 year recovering from depression. The past years have been very difficult.
Thank all

August 8, 2005
2:51 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi Griff

Thanks for your reply. Yes, the road is long and hard, but worth the while.
I cannot believe we have been married 17 years and now only find out about how our childhood effected our marriege. Unbelievable.
I have to learn to trust him and know that he is not going to use me for his needs and he has to get in tought with real emotions not fantasies. Its like the therapist said. Ask yourself Why do your drink?
To numb your emotions or for real plesure?
Why do we want to make love tonight?
Because we feel like it, to please the other or to satisfy our own needs. My husband always felt safe and accepted after we made love. Because he was so insucure he thought if I made love to him then he is accepted for himself.

Garfield

August 8, 2005
3:04 pm
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garfield9547
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Me again

Just wanted to add. After I discovered that I am not hte only problem (cold fish) but that my husband also has a problem I was very angry. I dreamed about having a mature male that is in tought with himself with me. I felt him being immature more than ever, just to discover that I am also immature sexually and also emotionally unavailable. That is why we came together, for a reason. Forever working on myself.

Garfield

August 9, 2005
5:25 am
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Jasmine
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Hi, Garfield, Griff,

Thanks for sharing your stories. I am much relieved hearing others sharing the same sort of feelings. I guess you are right. Something can't be forced. And both I and my boyfriend used it in a wrong way, but our feelings cannot lie. I just feel numb.....that¡¦s sad. I don't want to be like that and fall into the dark hole of regret again.....

Also, your stories reminded me of the past. My ex was very demanding. He always complains that I was not passionate towards him. That frustrated me a lot. I just don't have that feeling, then how can I force myself to be ¡§passionate¡¨. He also always likes to compare me with his ex. His ex was the type of girl that has very feminine and attractive appearance. So he wanted me to change. Change everything. The way I dress, hair style, and be more feminine......... he pushed me so hard...... I feel so bad when finally he chose to break up because I can't satisfy him .....

I don't know if he is the cause. But sometimes, being intimate with my present boyfriend does remind me of the past. I hate this. he has already left. Why he¡¦s still affect me? My boyfriend is a good man. He shouldn't be the person affected by him ... I feel guilty for this happening......

August 9, 2005
5:08 pm
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Wood Sorrel
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Hi Jasmine,

I totally relate to what you are experiencing and I also relate to Garfield, Griff and Kathy (thanks to you all for also sharing your stories!)

I am in the process of separating from my husband for many reasons. I have come to realize that I am codependent and I am pretty sure he is too. We were attracted to each other because of our neediness and I ended up being a caretaker more than a wife/equal partner. I began to build resentment because he put me in this position. (It is only now that I know I LET him put me in that position because of my poor self-esteem). So as the resentment grew and the fights increased I lost not only my feelings of attraction toward him but my overall sex-drive. This was strange for me since I always had a pretty strong sex-drive. I totally lost interest. He started to blame me and get angry for me not wanting to have sex. Which repelled me even more. But for a while I unfortunately would give in and go to bed with him even though I didn't really feel like. And of course that just made me feel worse (although he felt great from it! I think he is a lot like Garfield described about her partner using her 'to satisfy his own unsolved emotional childhood needs').

I couldn't understand what was going on with myself. I also had a chronic illness I was suffering from (still have some relapses but am doing better) and I had thought that maybe that was the cause. (But he was not understanding even when I was ill. He blamed me for being ill so much and thought I was using it as an excuse.) Because physical illness can definitely zap it out of you since, after all, sex drive is a big part of your life force. But both physical and emotional burdens can drain you of it making it very hard for you to be interested in it. And emotional issues affect your physical body. I now realize that some of these coda issues (stemming from childhood abuse) of mine have also contributed to my physical illness. And I have come to recognize the pattern of the kind of partners I have chosen for myself. The problem is, with each new boyfriend I think that he is different from the last and that this time things will work out because I have chosen a better partner. But with time I begin to see that this is not the case. I now know that I have to work on myself and resolve the issues I am having with my own self before I can enter into a healthy equal partnership with someone who is mature and ready for one.

How long have you been with your new boyfriend? Maybe he is more like your past one than your realize. Maybe it is the way your subconscious is dealing with the situation. Maybe your body really is trying to tell you something. I don't know since I don't know you or your situation well enough to say. I am just saying that is may help to take a deeper look.

The worst thing you can do is not trust yourself and your own instincts. It feels horrible, I know cause I have done (and still do, though am more aware of it now) it too many times myself. I know I have intimacy issues and I know also that when I finally refused to have sex with my husband it was because I was trying to protect myself (in this case rightly) from his abuse. (From his demanding it just to please himself and from his lack of real love underneath it.) I would try and try to explain that I felt like I couldn't be intimate with him when we hadn't resolved our emotional conflicts with each other. But he was not willing to work on the relationship nor to look more deeply at himself like Griff has done (hats off to you Griff for doing that, and its nice to get the male perspective on this, thanks for sharing!). Nor was he willing to be understanding about my illness or about my not being comfortable with him emotionally. For many men it is easy for them to separate the emotional from the physical. Typically for women it is not easy to do this. (But I was able to make that separation with men whom I didn’t know well, thus I understand I have a fear of being intimate)

I hope all of my ranting has contributed something. But I really know how you feel. Please don't beat yourself up over it. It may be that you have some issues to work out concerning yourself but it doesn't mean that you are 'wrong' or 'bad' or should blame yourself in an unhealthy way. Looking at yourself and your relationship in a truly honest way without judgment and with love is the only way to work through this. We can all lie to ourselves but we live in misery for it and our bodies will call us out every time.
Try to take a closer look. A book I'd highly recommend to start with is called 'Facing Codependency' by Pia Melody. A total eye-opener.

Good luck to you!

Peace-
Wood Sorrel

August 9, 2005
5:13 pm
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Wood Sorrel
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PS

If it really is just a physical problem in terms of your not having a drive stemming from something non-emotional. Then you might want to look into trying some natural herbal aphrodisiacs. Ginger is one. There are other formulas out there if you check out a health food store, or even a pharmacy (a lot of them are now carrying natural medicines) or even on-line. A company called New Chapter has one for women called 'Native Woman' made from mushrooms. (I recommend the herbal stuff cause it is safe, without side-effect whereas the pharamecuticals often have terrible side-effects and can even be deadly in some cases)

But it seems like you sense that this is an emotionally related issue for you, otherwise you probably wouldn't have posted here. (right? 🙂 )

August 9, 2005
5:35 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi
Me again. Just saw another article on being agoraphobic or parentified. Can anybody relate.
People who develop panic attacks were often denied their CHILDHOODS. This comes about from having to be the one who always HELPS OUT.
The "STRONG ONE" The person whom everybody looks to in a crisis.
The parentified child learns to put aside what he or she wants to do in favor of what she is required to do.
Many people even learn to take a kind of pleasure in this. After all, it feels pretty good to have everybody looking to you for help and direction in a crises.
UNFORTUNALETLY, the cost of being the STRONG one is that obviously NOT allowed to be the WEAK or IRRESPONSIBLE one. OR the HELPLESS or "OVERWHELMED one. CERTAINLY not the PLAYFUL and CAREFREE one.
So the price of always being the strong one is learning very well how to put aside BEING WHAT YOU ARE in favor of being what somebody SAYS you should be. During childhood this costs us the experience of being children - of having a childhood. It also ENGRAINS in us the habit of IGNORING what we want.
ULTIMATELY WE HAVE IGNORED WHAT WE WANT SO OFTEN THAT WE BARELY EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I can go on and on.. Please red the article on parentification (Learning as a child how to not be yourself)
Very interesting. They further speak in the article on how well controlled the agoraphobic children are etc etc in situiations.

I have definenatly been a parentified child before

That also contributed to my intimacy problems. Helping my parents and allowing being used as an obejct and not looking at myself

Garfield

August 13, 2005
4:06 am
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Neshema
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I have been seeing a guy who I work with (different building), is my best friend, was divorced twice (left by both women, is in his late 40s (I am in my in my 4 years younger) for 8 months and have been friends for 3 years. We were both with other people and broke up with them about a year ago. It was devastating for us both. I have moved on. He claims he has not. He has spent a lot of money taking me to dinner. He has only kissed me passionately, hugged me, held my hand, etc. We are the closest of friends. We have everything in common. Everyone seems to think we are perfect for each other. When I finally asked him about the nature of our relationship, he told me he was not over his girlfriend. I actually get the impression he has intimacy issues and we are codependent. Every woman he has been with has left him. His second wife did drugs and cheated on him. So, to my surprise, he knew all about codependecy. My last relationship (with a psych prof) turned out to be with an ACOA. I thought we would marry. It ended up being terrible when he went off his meds, because he was "just so happy with me." Now, this one gave me renewed hope. But now, I feel it is hopeless. He says he has given me everything...that is if I want an affectionateless relationship...and he has. He doesnt want to lose me but I cannot take it much more. I guess I am codependent too, because I dont want to lose him and keep taking him back on his terms. Please advise. We are so close. It is so sad. By the way, we are both very educated people with doctoral degrees, and living in a location where it is difficult to meet single people with whom we share so much. How sad. I cannot be with someone who is calls me several times a day, but is terrified of being touched. Not to sound narcissicistic, but we are both attractive, intelligent, kind, loving people. Why does it have to be so difficult, and why am I forced to date others I just dont care about like I do him? Please advise. Thank you.

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