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September 6, 2005
3:31 pm
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RobertM65
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I'm not going to knock AA. It's wonderful thing and I would like to see my W become involved. The fact is she has tried and self esteem issues prevent her from going back and seeking a sponsor.

My first W is in AA and put everyone through hell in the process. The idea of putting herself first was taken to an extreme. That is why she has been divorced 6 times and my daughter lives with me. My W knows about all bad things that happened to everyone around my first W when she entered AA, so there is a credibility issue in her mind. I'm sure what happened with my first W is rare, but it still makes you stop and think.

I would like to see my W get counseling, but with someone who will really listen. When she has tried counseling, it's almost as if she was told to "... take 12 steps and call me in the morning".

So my dilemma is how does my wife get help? I can't cure her problems I know that. But she wants to get better. She respects my opinion so even though I can't "fix' the problem I would like to find a way to point her in the right direction.

September 6, 2005
3:42 pm
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Anonymous
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well, if 12 steps isn't going to fly - then the only real answer is either rehab - or counseling from a therapist who specializes in alcohol recovery.

there is inpatient and outpatient treatements available - you can find them on the web or look in the yellow pages.

remember - you can't fix this or make her go - you can lead the horse to water - but can't make them drink.

guide her on the options, then let go.

so easy to say, but hard to do.

in the meantime, get yourself to an al-anon meeting or counselor of your choice - because you need therapy too - even if she doesn't go herself.

September 6, 2005
3:56 pm
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taj64
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Get on the website and found out the AA meetings in your area, highlight them, get a book for her recovery, look up literature on alcoholism, say you support her but tell her that is is up to her. She can either take it or leave it but it is up to her and you can do nothing except get help that you need for you, whatever works best for you.

September 6, 2005
4:06 pm
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CAMER
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how about couples counseling for both of you to make "each" one of you stronger and better.

My last bf was alcoholic, and i even went to AA meetings with him, just to see how they were, maybe you could attend one with her.

And then, you too need to do something for YOU too...like Al anon, or Coda meetings.

Maybe check out more counselors who are more "personal" instead of just treating her like a grain of salt.

Good luck

September 6, 2005
4:21 pm
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RobertM65
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CAMER - I think you're right about finding a counselor that is more personal. That will probably be the first really big step. I need to make sure she or I does some research.

Going to an AA meeting with her is an interesting idea. I know it's not traditional approach and she probably wouldn't open up anyway. but I'll have to think about that one. Thanks !

September 6, 2005
5:11 pm
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Shaney
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Hi Robert - posters from your last thread "Afraid te be alone. Need to keep busy" had some pretty good advice regarding this subject.

According to your posts, your wife's insecurity has kept her from school, meetings, therapists, friends and family - she seems to needs a therapist for this, in a big way. This insecurity is inhibiting her recovery. Chances are, she's not going to like everybody at an AA meeting, she may just need to accept that, and focus on herself instead of others. There are all women groups too - that may be an option. The twelve steps are long and difficult - but very worth it. It's always scary when you're standing at the starting line and can't see the finish. Hopefully she'll find the strength and the focus to go.

September 6, 2005
5:24 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Robert,

In my opinion, AA is probably the most effective method of recovering from alcoholism. I have read many books on the subject (being an alcoholic) and they all seem to point in the same direction. As a matter of fact, it is very rare that someone will recover with therapy alone. Most therapists would require (or should at least) that the person they are counseling for addiction also be part of a 12 step program.

I agree with the others here that you should attend Alanon as well. Not only do the addicts need help dealing with their problem, but people affected by another's drinking need help as well. I believe that is why, many times, when an addict gets help and their partner does not, the relationship ultimately fails. It is a family disease in which the whole family must recover.

Also, you attending an AA meeting is not uncommon at all. As a matter of fact, it is recommended by many professionals.

Good luck, I hope this helped.

Love,
Lolli

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