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No fly zone suspended at day 81
May 11, 2010
9:33 pm
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LouWho
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September 24, 2010
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I am having a bad day. A very bad day indeed.

My husband (separated 7 months now) and I had this protracted 5 hour battle today. It was misery. It was a time travel back to 8 months ago when everyday was misery. I would wake feeling okay and then within a matter of minutes that old feeling of twisting up in my stomach would begin. As we would interact throughout the day, I would feel that twisting just continue inside like a wet towel being wrung out. By the middle of the day, I would be disgusted, upset, fraught with emotional uncertainty to eventaully end the day in anger and resentment.

God, I thought I remembered with such vivid detail how miserable I was, but this was a real education. I do not understand how I have managed to live so long like that, it was unbearable.

And you know...we have all been there, you just shut up and continue to soldier on in the hope that it either will get better, or maybe you'll just die and it will be over.

But that was just till one o'clock, because that was when the real fun began...

The no fly zone ended today. Real world collided with my bubble, and I was forced to suspend the no fly zone in order to conduct business. It was unavoidable, circumstances beyond my control forced the contact, and it was the wrong day and the wrong time for it to happen.

During the contact I felt miserable and weak and vulnerable, but had to fight to stay conscious of the fact that I was on the phone with a person that knows very deeply who and what I am, but more importantly, knows INSTINCTIVELY how to manipulate me. Controlling and directing me is second nature to to them, like breathing out and breathing in. Action-reaction.

And of course, there was the unnecessary exchange of far too much information. Yeah, that was unfortunate, and it was painful to hear. I tried to remain composed and unmoved, and allowed the conversation to go on too long.

I hung up the phone and locked the doors and went to bed and cried for an hour or two and then fell asleep. It was the worst day I have had in a long while.

Misery.

So, what have I learned in all this?

I want to be able to say something upbeat, but I just dont have it in me. I feel miserable and beaten down. Maybe this is just a day when I dont have anything good to say in retrospect.

I feel like I lost this battle, not the war, but this has definetely been a day when I took a real substantial beating.

May 11, 2010
9:51 pm
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_anonymous
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September 30, 2010
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LouWho. Dont be hard on yourself. You have made great progress with distancing yourself from this person. It is perfectly normal for a person to go through what you are going through. The purpose that this type of thing serves is to remind you why you separated from this person in the first place and why it is not a good idea to have contact with him.

May 11, 2010
10:17 pm
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chinadoll
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September 24, 2010
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LouWho,

{{HUGS}}

Hoping for a better day for you tomorrow. Remember it is not how many times you fall down, but how many times you pick yourself back up.

I'm sure you are exhausted. Please take care of yourself and rest to get your energy back.

Sorry you had to go thru this.

May 12, 2010
9:55 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Lou,

What a bunch of yuck. A hot bath and naps are in order.

When you're ready, perhaps there's a way to script what you're going to say before you talk to X and how to steer the conversation back to business so you don't fall into the abyss?

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