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November 11, 2001
6:03 am
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wallace
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Hi everyone. I posted a while ago about a guy I was obsessed with. I thought about him every minute of the day but he didn't seem too bothered about me. I can see this now because he has been out of my life for the past month as he went away. During this time, I've started to find myself again. I can concentrate on things, have gained more direction in my life and feel so much happier. I realised that he was toxic to me, and realised of how little importance I was to him and how I had refused to believe it, saying things like Oh guys just don't show things like that. I realise now how much power he had over me and for so long, how he had caused my life to stagnate and turned me into a dependant weakling. Sounds great, doesn't it. But he is coming back and I know that I am going to spiral back into it. I really don't want to go back there, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I was deteremined that he would not come back into my life when he was away. But since I heard he is coming back, I have felt the unhappiness and lack of control coming back and I have started obsesing about him again. Once I know he is nearby, I seem to lose control. I really could do with some advice.

November 11, 2001
8:28 am
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janes
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YOU gave him the power over you....

You allowed this ... figure out why, be strong, keep your current interests especially your self.

If you don't like the thought of his return...when and if he calls etc...Be cook, Act stand offish, Have other tings to do and stay away from him.

YOU can do it...the month reprieve gave you insight into how unhealthy you were about him.

November 11, 2001
9:43 am
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ms. T
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You absolutely have control and you must use it to keep yourself from allowing any communication with him. Turn to friends in this time to keep you busy; put extra time in at work; do anything to keep yourself from craving this destructive force in your life. Get angry about what he did to you - that's the natural response you haven't allowed yourself to feel quite enough. Good luck.

November 11, 2001
12:55 pm
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Molly
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You do have controll, and stating and thinking that you don't is a concious choice, where as you could make a different concious choice to set your boundry lines. What ever your choice is , there is a gain, which serves you best?

November 17, 2001
8:22 am
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wallace
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BlondieNYC - I like your style, sister!

November 19, 2001
12:56 pm
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lyn
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wallace,
i totally understand what u r talking about when it comes to lack of control with guys. I am going through something very similar right now and always feel powerless..My problem is i find it so hard to kick him to the curb..so i commend you for having the strength to get started on your healing process. You should feel very good about that and very proud of yourself. Try to be strong i should be last one to talk i feel like weak is my middle name but i am slowly starting to realize from this site that you should only surround yourself with healthy people and if they're not then let them go... i'm working at it but i tend to give in, try not to give in and show him what your made of.

November 19, 2001
1:56 pm
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Molly
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I have found the easiest way to create the life you want is to create that picture, then take the steps to make it real. The initial movement is slow, change is hard, and there is always that damn cost for everything.
There is enought stuff everywhere to learn how to get there, and telling us how to do it, but we have to see, and know what it is that we want so that we can commit to it. That commitment is the real first step, and we have to know what we are committing to. then the controll is easy.

November 19, 2001
2:05 pm
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wallace
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Lyn, thanks for your empathy. Unless you have been there yourself, its difficult for others to understand. It feels that my life would be incomplete without him, yet I know its rubbish because he was out of my life for a while.

Molly - you are so right. I'm trying to hang onto what it felt like when he wasn't around & I had myself back. But its hard now he's back. But I also know that should he take off again, I will survive, and so will you Lyn.

November 23, 2001
4:31 pm
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deshong
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Wallace,
You deserve better and you can have better!! Also please hear me. Sometimes the second time around is worse than the first. Trust me I know. Been there and done that. THey have even less respect for you because you are continuously allowing them to abuse you.

I respect you and you can respect yourself so that you can begin to attract the right one.

Lyn, You be encouraged also. No matter how hard it gets, keep setting boundaries and let them go. You can do it!!!

November 30, 2001
9:01 am
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wallace
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Hey Guys, Guess what. I gave in. I have met up with him again. And guess what else? I am jumping at my own shadow. Every time I think that he looks at me funny or says something quite not right, I tear myself apart going over and over it in my mind, wondering if that's it and he is going to ditch me. Everytime he looks or mentions another woman, I burn up with insecurity and resentment. I feel desperate. I've never done drugs, but I bet that withdrawal feels like this. Why am I so addicted? I've read about pay-offs on this site. I can't think what the pay-off is for me. I don't chose to be miserable.

November 30, 2001
9:20 am
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artist 2
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Let me tell you I went through something similar. I couldn't get a grip on myself until he hit me - that knocked some sense into me.

November 30, 2001
9:23 am
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wallace
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artist 2, his abuse is not physical. Its emotional. At times I think that its not him but me being so weak. He makes me feel that he is the cool, calm and emotionally stable one and I am the emotional mess. He makes me feel that he is a better person than me. Sometimes, I believe that he is right.

November 30, 2001
1:37 pm
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Molly
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How better to controll some one than to keep them on the emotional rollar coaster, never in one state to long. The best way to get him to act out, if that is what you want is to appear happy, content, successful, moving foreward, or just ask him a detailed question. Works just about every time. That addiction you get is that warm fuzzy feeling that they are so very good at delivering, but ya know just like french fries, chocolate, or drugs, alcohol, you know it can't be that good for you, cuz its just to good. Its only temporary, like falling off the diet, sometimes we have to relapse to see what we had when we were healthier. You will see some more as your days with him continue, just had to get another taste, I understand.

November 30, 2001
3:59 pm
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wallace
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Molly, Thanks for your reply. What do you mean by getting him to act out? What confuses me is that I have seen him with other people and he is really outgoing, laughs and jokes and a really nice guy. Yet with me, I always have the feeling that he is holding back. He makes me feel that even though we have spent time together, I don't know him at all, that he just hasn't let me in. I have read on this site that you should listen to your gut feelings as they tend to be right. But why would he be like this with me? You would think that after all this time he would have relaxed and let his real self come through.

December 2, 2001
5:05 pm
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deshong
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Wallace,

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!

That is part of the sick abusive game. First of all, you do see the "REAL" him. The real him is that nasty, abusive, degrading person you have seen. He puts up the fronts with the others in his life.

Part of the game is to keep you on a string thinking if you jump through the right hoop of his the right way, you will win his love, attention respect and all of the nice wonderful things you so desperately crave for him to give you.

You have showed him that you are up for the challenge which by the way. Let me be the first to tell you that "THIS GAME IS RIGGED". You will NEVER win!!!! The point is for him to manipulate your low self esteem to please him, but you will never be able to meet his standards.

Do you want to be in a relationship with a person who you will forever have to try to "WIN" his love, affection, respect and friendship? Is your life a sick game to be played? Think about it.

December 3, 2001
2:49 am
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wallace
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Thanks for your reply, deshong.

I never ever thought about it that way round before! That's put a new perspective on it. I bet then that if the other people in his life saw how he behaves with me, they wouldn't be saying what a real nice guy he is. Thanks.

December 3, 2001
7:43 am
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wallace
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Hey, Guys. He's not replying to my emails. I feel real low at the moment. I'm desparately trying to resist the urge to call him up. I can't believe how unhealthy I am acting. Just needed to share this with someone.

December 3, 2001
8:50 am
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Alena
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Wallace, wanted you to know someone out here is urging you not to call. If you are desperate, get busy doing something else. Get out of your house, go shopping, go for a long walk, window shop, get away from the phone. That's the best way I know when you are desperate, get away from the temptation. Don't sit and wait for the computer to send you something, don't sit and look at the phone. Get away! The feeling will pass. If he's not answering you, reason enough to not call him. What do you think he will say?? Nothing to make you feel better, and you will regret it. Go on, take a walk!! (smile) And leave the cell phone at home!

December 3, 2001
9:37 am
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turnip62us
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Wallace, he is SOOOOOO getting off on this. Please don't give him this kind of satisfaction. My first husband did this kind of thing. He even admitted to me that he really enjoyed his first girlfriend because he could make her cry so easily by breaking up with her, and then he'd go back to her, and when he felt like it, he'd break up with her again just to see her cry. Learn to love yourself more than you do-- for some reason you believe you deserve this kind of abuse. Just curious...do you have trouble being with a guy if he's really kind to you? I did...I was completely turned off if a guy treated me well. Was only attracted to a guy if he emotionally abused me. Sounds like you're the same way, which doesn't make you bad, just in need of some self-esteem and TLC. Get your hands on some good books like "Men who hate women and the women who love them."

December 3, 2001
11:42 am
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wallace
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Thanks for your encouragement, guys. This site is so wonderful. I may come across as pathetic & weak now, but you should have seen me when I first started posting several months back. I am drawing strength from here, & one day I'll be strong enough to lay down my boundaries that not even he can cross. But not just yet.

December 3, 2001
12:12 pm
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Molly
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He is acting out right now, by the game of controll, making you crazy for not responding. You mentioned that he holds back with you, and not with others, he is insecure in letting you see the real him, controlling the connection, never letting you get to close, its classic narcissistic stuff, check out those sites look at the faq's and you'll see the pattern. its in that book too, men who hate women, and the women who love them. When your ready, you'll take the action, or you will set up the situations for you to learn your lessons. Just like Artist did see smack. She wasn't ready until then, and still questioned it after he hit her. Its addiction, not love, not a real relationship.

December 6, 2001
11:26 am
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wallace
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Thanks Molly

December 11, 2001
5:07 pm
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wallace
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Hey, Guys. I need help again. I saw him again. He was real nice to me then refused to kiss me. I saw his face and it was a deliberate act. Why? I came so close to begging him. But I didn't. Now I feel empty and at the edge. I don't want him to keep doing this to me but I need him. I need his attention. How can he seem to live so full a life without me while I wilt without him. Please advise.

December 11, 2001
5:42 pm
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gingerleigh
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Wallace, you do NOT need this guy. You need something, that's for sure, but it is not this (or any) man.

Blondie's advice is very very good, just do whatever you can to make it impossible for you to contact this guy. If you see him, run the other way. I mean it.

Now, while you are so busy distracting yourself with the tactical "how do I avoid this guy", you also need to start digging into "what do I need?" Not "why do I need this guy" because as I said before, you don't. You are needing something that you never got. If it's unconditional love and acceptance, get a dog or a cat.

You wanted this guy to kiss you? Why? To show you that he still cares? He doesn't. Even if he had kissed you, he wouldn't.

You are not a flower. You do not wilt. Contrary to popular belief, you can have a full life without a constant partner. Try building one for yourself... 21 days. And if you fall off the wagon and talk to him again, no big deal, just reset the clock on day 0 and start counting up again. Once you get to 21 without seeing him or emailing him or talking to him, I'll bet you'll be surprised at how full your own life is.

I'll even give it the Gingerleigh money back guarantee. If you go the full 21 days with NO contact whatsoever and don't feel better, I'll fully refund your money 😉

What do you think? Worth a shot?

December 11, 2001
9:55 pm
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wallace
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Blondie, Ginger,

Thanks for coming thru for me. From my heart. I wish I knew what I need and why. I will try the 21 days. I nearly broke my golden rule - I nearly begged. I got home & wrote an email saying how I felt about him because I thought the problem was he didn't understand, but I did not send it. I'll try 21 days, but after the email?.

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