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No contact/reaction- 4 week committment
March 2, 2005
12:15 pm
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kc30
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So, I've been caught in the crazies for nearly a week now, and it's getting me down- mentally and physically. I know I do it to myself- allow myself to get worked up, but I'm only so far in recovery- one of the problems is that once I get started, I can't seem to pull out until I totally bottom out. I figure the best attack is to be proactive and do all I can to avoid getting started in the first place. Since it's always my ex that I use as an excuse to go on an "emotional" bender, I know the answer is to have nothing more to do with him.

A very dear friend of mine, who was a very dirty dog in his younger years (now happily reformed, mind you) told me about the worst thing a girl ever did to him. Not to rat him out, but he treated that girl badly- cheating, lying, the works. he said when it all blew up.....she simply refused to have anything to do with him...ever again. He would try all kinds of different approaches, and the message was always the same "What do you want. I won't discuss that. Goodbye". In other words "You are dead to me" And he was a PLAYER. He straightened out after that! He swears it's the ONLY way to go, and he's never had so much respect for a woman as he had for her during that time, even though he hated it.

I need to cut off all ties with my ex. here's the challenge"- two children makes that impossible!

But I DO have the choice as to whether to react to the things he does that bug me- whether to waste my day thinking and fixating on him and all that's happened. I also have the choice to avoid all unnecesary contact (no more nasty emails) and the choice to respond to him when he contacts me, not just react emotionally.

so I've got my friend in line to coach me- a good clinical, logical man who's played the nasty game before- and this board to go to whenever I feel like going on another "feelings" binge- the goal is NO MATTER WHAT he says or does, I will give him nothing. No reaction, no emotion, nothing. I am sick to death of being controlled...no, letting myself be controlled, by someone who really is dead to me. This corpse that I call my ex is not the man I married- I don't know this man- the man I knew, if he was ever real, is dead and gone.

Need help...anyone else ready to jump in? I'd love to be held accountable to someone else. Please help me keep on task.

They say it takes 3 weeks to form a habit- I'm giving it 4 for safe measures.

Thanks
kc

March 2, 2005
12:21 pm
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Anonymous
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Well KC- Bravo to you as well, I knew you would reach this point given enough time, and I applaud you on your determination to want this and to want to just be done. Not for anyone but you.

I think you can do this easily enough. It just takes the will power. I would love to be your buddy on this but I am kinda pass the no contact since I haven't had anyone, but I am MORE than happy to support you and give you any strength and encouragement I can.

I think that once you do as your friend suggests, you will realize how much happier YOU are, and you will also realize how much you have learned about yourself in this process.

March 2, 2005
12:28 pm
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willitgetbetter
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KC30,
it also takes 3 weeks to break a habit, just remember that! Trust me, i've just been there and despite the really bad times, I have come out of it a much stronger person. Want a buddy? I'm here!

March 2, 2005
12:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Okay. I'm in. I can't believe I'm saying this. I'm crying my fucking fool head off right now but I know you are all so right on. I have to let her go. So I'm in but damnit, this is a thread that will HAVE to stay alive for the next for weeks or I'm fucked...

Marking my calendars now...

Love to all,

Ren'ai

March 2, 2005
1:30 pm
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kc30
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Thank you thank you...please keep me on track. We don't always like to hear what we need to hear, but it's always good to hear it!!

I appreciate your support- more than you could know.

And Aces...you are an inspiration to me. I have been following your threads this past month, and I can't believe how far you seem to have come! I hope to be there in 4 weeks time.

Thanks again everyone, for helping me keep it real.

Aces, Willit and Renai- I'm counting on you 🙂

Ren'ai- we'll do it together....just come here first...get it out and we'll go from there. That's what i'm goign to do!

love kc

March 2, 2005
1:43 pm
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Cici
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Yah I dunno. I'm going on 2 months of complete NC....to be honest it definatley takes more than 3 weeks to break the bad habit. More than 28 days....whatever, it's definatley easier to deal with. I am growing, learning, getting healthier every damn day....I am happy for NC.

March 2, 2005
5:48 pm
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Anonymous
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I started to dial her number earlier and then hung up because I remembered I agreed to this. So I guess it's helping...

I can't keep myself from laughing over it, for some reason. It would be so easy to "cheat" and call her. None of you would ever know, but I would. Fuck me.

Love to all,

Ren'ai

March 2, 2005
5:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Ahh but you know in the end you would TELL us, because you would need support and advice on what happened.

You cannot hide things from us.

ha ha

March 2, 2005
8:24 pm
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peacesoul
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Hi Ladies....can I join in?

I've not had contact with my Dirt bag for over 4 weeks (broken up 7 weeks), but I have to say I am not having a hard time not contacting him cause, well frankly, I hate his guts !..hehehe

BUT, I feel like b/c he is a charmer, abuser, scum bag, loser, asshole, shit head, fucker (have I missed one?) and his EGO is bigger than his DICK, he will contact me again and it will take ALL of my strength to not reply in a "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU MUTHA FUCKER" content.

I will take your friends advise KC and not give him the time of day if he does contact me...ohhhhhhh this will be tough !

But I'm in.....

BTW, KC, you are going to do this..I can feel you are going to heal. Having to contact your ex because of the kids will be tough, but like I said in another post, even better (after you are healed) cause he is going to get to see you all healed and happy and ohhhhhh..I can't every lose contact with you so I can find out the juicy ending and hear about his suffering and wanting you back and you laughing in his sorry face...heheeh

March 2, 2005
8:34 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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Proud of you guys:)..

March 2, 2005
8:54 pm
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peacesoul
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Oh, I would like to say something to all of you that may help, it helped me with the no contact thingy !

When my dirt bag dumped me for the 2nd time, His sister emailed me to tell me how sorry she was that this happened etc....Well one comment she made to me in her email was

"I am so sorry, you must be hurt and helpless in pain"

I WAS LIKE WHAT????? Is that how they are thinking of me. Well I will show them how "helpless in pain" I am....that comment EMPOWERED me to Move on quicker and never contact this pc of shit (or his sister) again...
Not sure if this will work for you ladies, but I think others think we are helpess in pain and even if we are..never let them see ya sweat !

March 2, 2005
9:14 pm
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ron9871
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kc great post im ron ...need to detach i am only on day 2 . my mind feels more clear already she is a charmer/abuser addict boy are they manipulative i know i cant call her she gets off on rejecting me likes to see me feel emotional pain

March 2, 2005
9:36 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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inspiring stuff guys, just remember, its all about you now.

March 3, 2005
1:07 am
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Jexy
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It's amazing reading all of your shares...I have just ended a two month relationship, but it felt like 2 years.
We met through my church and I thought he had everything I'd always wanted...he was the one...the love of my life (yet again). After many years of alchohlic/addict boyfriends, I finally found someone who was spiritual, didn't drink, smoke or take drugs...was handsome, charming, intelligent, communicative, deep, sensitive, sporty, fun, exciting everything!!
After a week, we were talking marriage and kids...he practically moved in with me...he became controlling immediately asking me not to go places that I had already planned to go...and I said yes I wouldn't go cause of course I wanted to be with him...even the dog copped it with him putting the dog outside to sleep when he always slept inside...what a good idea I thought!!!
Then things like he had found 'our song' within the first weekend, he pushed for intimacy which I didn't really want... he was critical about my hair, clothes (and I look fine and have had no complaints before!)...he confronted me about every little issue that came up...having long discussions telling me he was hurt etc until we sorted things out and he was comfortable again.
He was constantly seeking my assurance of his looks, of my 'love' for him...then he got quite sick for a week and he started doing things like pushing my head into a pillow and telling me to shutup when I couldn't sleep, he showered after we made love...sometimes he showered up to five times a day...regardless of whether we'd made love or not, but ALWAYS after, even if we just fooled around...his father taught him masturbation/sex outside marriage was dirty and wrong...etc etc etc...his anger over 'issues' things I did that didn't please him, was becoming prevalent and offensive, if I ever pointed out any of his behaviour which was cruel or unacceptable, he would turn it around on me saying I was the one with the problem..and the list just goes on...anyhow, I've left him but now I can't stop thinking about him...obsessing about him...I too check email/mobile for text messages and when he texts I get a big buzz, especially if he says miss u or the like...my counsellor told me to cut off contact...and to not engage with him as he is unpredictable..nice one minute, nasty the next...but the thing is I can't let him go...it's been 3 weeks and I concentrate on work, I'm binging on food a lot to cover the feelings of 'failing' yet another relationship..I keep thinking of how I can make this work...I want to see him again, even though I don't want to be with him, and he's not good for me...I can't help obsessing. I talk about him to anyone who will listen over and over again..I fantasise constantly about him.

Am I co-dependant?? My sponsor/counsellor says he was and was trying to engage in a coey relationship with me...but from reading all of this, I think I'm the one who is coda...? Help!!

March 3, 2005
1:27 am
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willitgetbetter
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Good morning folks, just checking in to make sure you are all ok before I go to work. I'll check in again later.
Will

March 3, 2005
3:38 am
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godsgirl
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KC,
I'm in too. I filed for divorce last may, it is going to go through in about a month. But until a few weeks ago I was still holding on to the idea of us being a "Family" again. For the past few weeks I have been trying to do the same things u have, only necessairy contact, and no responding to the stuff he says. I feel so much stronger. I totally identify with what you said the man I married is gone, I don't know who this guy is... And it is over. I want to move on now. I'm ready. He doesn't want to change...I'm done. I am in with u on this. Please keep me accountable too. Thanks.

March 3, 2005
3:46 am
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godsgirl
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I just don't want my life to revolve around all this anymore... I am ready for the change.

March 3, 2005
9:37 am
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willitgetbetter
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Hi guys,
are we all sticking to our agreement???????

March 3, 2005
9:45 am
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kc30
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Good morning
I am sooo in....and let me tell you, it's going to be tough- check out my "help" post.

I'm so glad I felt strong yesterday and committed to this...makes it easier to deal with today's events. If I feel weak, I'm just going to write it down in my "I'll tell him all this in 4 weeks" journal. I suspect by the time that 4 week mark hits, I won't care enough to bother.

No reaction no reaction...at least not to him.

Hang in there all! Keep in touch- I need you guys.

March 3, 2005
10:24 am
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willitgetbetter
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Please do me a favour guys. If you really have a burning desire to contact the ex, take five and post here first.
Will

March 3, 2005
10:28 am
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ILSILS
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count me in please!!!!
i feel like you were telling my story just replace two kids with one,
wow kc, thank you for this post, i needed it.
its been no unnecassary contact for three days but he came over last night, i cut him short and told him he should go home, there was no hanging out to be had,
he didnt even say goodby to our daughter though,
i asked him if he could watch her this weekend he sad "maby"
anyhow enough about al that, he is so totally dead now (the man i married)i dont know this person anymore, and i dont want to. i can take care of myself.
im so done, please lets stick togeather!

March 3, 2005
10:29 am
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chickyfighter
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Jexy, just read your story, I am proud of you for letting go!

March 3, 2005
10:39 am
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willitgetbetter
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You know what guys, I can't be on here 24/7 but we all need someone to turn to 24 hours a day. Oh how i wish i could give out my mobile number or msn address so that we can support each other at any time, day or night. However that can't happen so i will log in when I can. Please don't think I am ignoring any of you if I don't reply immediately. This is a very serious thread and our sanity depends on it. keep it going guys

March 3, 2005
10:57 am
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UsuallyStrong
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I have to say I'm in too! Thank you all for starting this thread. I wish I checked it yesterday.

Yesterday was a tough day and today I'm trying to focus. I went back and forth in my head...contact him/don't contact him. I reasoned to myself that I wanted to know if he was ok since we broke up last week (not the first breakup), and I could send an email/txt/phone message. I refrained myself knowing that if I contact him I'll be in the same cycle of feeling like I'm giving everything and getting nothing. We'd get back together again, and I'd feel horrible again. So I didn't call, and I won't call.

But some days are easier than others, so I'm glad I always have this place to come to. I know I love him, but it's not enough.

Good luck everyone. I think the key to moving on is to stay busy! What is it they say about idle minds...idle hands...something like that. I know that's when it's the worst for me. Reading all these posts gives me something to do!

March 3, 2005
11:00 am
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chickyfighter
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Usually strong (I like that name)I do understand what you are saying and going through, it is easier some days and some are sooo hard. I hope it is a an easy one today for you, for all of us!

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