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no contact on Christmas?
December 24, 2008
2:14 pm
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mezzo3
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Hi. I already know what the response will be, but I feel I need to hear it.

I wrote my ex a letter in November telling him that I was breaking off contact and why. I followed my letter and haven't had any contact since then.

But with Christmas here, I have to admit it, I want to contact him. I wrote him an email but didn't send it. I know we can't get back together with his issues and with mine. But I miss him so much. It hurts, and it seems like all I do all day is manage the pain I'm in. It's a constant struggle, constantly either hurting or working through the hurt, back and forth.

So I guess it's not a good idea to break my own rule and contact him to say Merry Christmas. I feel this, but I also feel like I might slip up and do it. I need a little encouragement if anyone's been here before. Thanks.

December 24, 2008
2:26 pm
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Zebra
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Mezzo,

Merry Christmas...say it to me. I to get no contact (my rule also).

Keep your promise to yourself. As hard as it is, I too feel it and want to contact my X, but that will only bring us pain and suffering.

so tell everyone on here Merry Christmas and don't contact him. Do something positive with that energy instead.

You have my support and encouragement. You are worth it.

December 24, 2008
2:27 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Im so sorry sweetheart that your hurting so bad but once you break that contact even once it will be so much easier to do it again. Cause he might reply and you will feel obligated to reply back to that and so on and so forth ((((Mezzo))))

December 24, 2008
2:40 pm
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mezzo3
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Merry Christmas, Zebra. Thanks! I am hanging in there, mood improving.

December 24, 2008
2:46 pm
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spunkycinnabar
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OK I am the queen of breaking contact and let me tell you that it gets worse each time, and if he is mean at all or if you are on the fence it is so easy to get back in the old routine- I know! I have done it. Embrace yourself and know your not alone and that you can do this!!! If you need any help post tonight and i will talk you via email of course and we can get through this together... believe me mine already wants me to stop by on my way home- but we cant spend xmas together... lets do this one for ourselves this year.

December 24, 2008
2:58 pm
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Zebra
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Go spunkcinnabar, Mezzo, RW, and me...together we will do this.

I made a promise to myself that I am going to start saving and get me a laptop, so I can continue these conversations at home. Right now, it is only while I am at work and in between work. I am grateful I get this luxary. However, I will be off for the next 4 days and not contact with you all....:( NO WORRIES....I will think of each of you and gather my strength from that.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.

December 24, 2008
3:08 pm
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mezzo3
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Thanks, RW, and Spunky! You want to know something scary, Spunky? Part of what hurts is that he is not calling me.

He did when w e first broke up, but I told him he was confusing me with mixed messages and not to contact me until he decided to change. After a while, he started contacting me again, and I thought he was going to tell me that he was changing. Wrong! That's why I finally sent the letter, to let him know that I couldn't keep hearing from him, that I had to let him go and the only way to do it was to have no contact.

I know in my heart that's the right thing to do, but part of me wishes it would stir something in him. I also know that I am worth more than a booty call or an "everything's ok between us now, so I don't have to feel guilty" conversation.

It's also hard when I feel like I understand and accept him the way he is - he has a drinking and drug problem. I don't judge him for it; I have compassion for him. It's hard to draw the line when I care about him and want to help him. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't change him or fix him. And I can't be with him while he is using. That's the bottom line.

But I keep thinking about him, wishing he would see what he is doing to himself, hoping he will see through his denial... and that's what is hard to let go of.

But I'm dealing. Thanks for your support.

December 24, 2008
3:11 pm
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marypoppins
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Hello All,

As others have said, breaking no contact usually results in more disappointment. Then we're stuck with that disappointment plus the regret at having broken no contact.

So many threads on the board right now deal with this same issue. This is our opportunity to give ourselves the love we truly need. Yes, we'd all like to be held, loved, cherished, but our best gift to ourselves is SELF love and confidence.

Happy Holidays to all!

Mary

December 24, 2008
3:14 pm
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Zebra
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Mezzo,

Yes it hurts when they don't call us. Once again...they are to busy with their own addictions to think about us. That is why we have let them go.

My X husband is an addict. It also kills me to know that he won't stop using or is in denial. He went through one rehab on his own and I went through one with him and he is still using, abusing and doing whatever he wants. So I choose to let go and leave, so that I did not have to watch him hurt himself anymore and in the process of his addiction, hurt me.

It is so hard to let go of, but Mezzo it is not ours to hold on to. Their addiciton is theirs, not ours.

Glad you dealing with it. Love, Z

December 24, 2008
3:38 pm
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atalose
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I think it would be less painful for those of you wanting to break NO CONTACT with the Christmas excuse to just take a hammer bang yourselves in the head, then go put ice on it, take some aspirin lay down and tomorrow the pain will have stopped. But the pain of reaching out to receive nothing or very little back, that pain of disappointment will last far longer.

Stay strong……………

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 24, 2008
4:03 pm
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mezzo3
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Ha ha - thanks for that one, atalose! I think I have been hitting myself in the head with a psychic hammer. Time for some ice.

December 25, 2008
3:24 am
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spunkycinnabar
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I keep here the same thing through out all the posts- this no contact thing hard-but necessary. I have been there and done that so many time- I even moved 3000 miles away and turned around after one week and gave up and incredible job and new life because he wanted to marry me- where am i tonight- alone... but I am with the one person who really counts, my daughter. I am truly blessed

December 25, 2008
1:26 pm
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mezzo3
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Good for you! Thanks to everyone on this site, I made it through with no contact yesterday, and I'm feeling even stronger today! Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2008
1:36 pm
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needtoheal
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Story sounds so familiar... I wrote a letter to my ex-boyfriend (not that I thought that he would even "get it" but as a cleansing for me... After the last conversation we had, after he read my letter, I changed my cell phone number, house line and I deleted my e-mail account. NO CONTACT.. As time goes on, the urge at least for me, becomes less and less... I am much happier without him than I ever was with him in my life...

I know it is hard.. It is like I had to go through withdrawal...I used to count how many days it had been since our last conversation. Like I said though, as time goes on it really does get better... I am living proof! My life is so much more stable and I am a lot more happier without him.... and I no longer even count how many days it has been since we last had contact... because to me, that in itself was a form of "holding on"...

Thinking of you all

Need

December 26, 2008
6:51 pm
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spunkycinnabar
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OMG! I wish I Could, end it- and I am so sad today, wish I knew how

December 27, 2008
10:04 pm
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needtoheal
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((((spunkycinnabar))))

Trust me, I remember feeling the same as you do right now... However, in time you will know exactly when it is the right time in which you will finally end it and let go... and have peace in doing so....

Sometimes it is a process... It takes time.. However, do not beat yourself up... We all have setbacks...

I have learned through 12 step programs, that it is a day at a time. Even a moment at a time perhaps.. We all can have backslides. However, we can all start over after a setback whenever we feel like we need to start over again... Sounds funny but when I would have a setback, I used to feel horrible... sad, and terrible.. However, after adopting the idea that it was alright to have a setback and knowing that I could start all over, it made me not want to feel horrible ... it made me feel motivated instead. I learned that after a setback, I needed to take action... whether that meant saying to myself "time to start over... now go do something that could distract you or do something that makes you feel better"... It also helped me for the future for when I no longer had contact because I had learned what it was that I liked to do and made me feel better... because when I had been with him, I had lost my identity...

Remember, only you can know when it is right in your heart to let go finally....

(((( spunkycinnabar)))))

~Need

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