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no contact NEANS no contact
September 18, 2005
4:32 pm
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jack122064
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OK, I did a little experiment, and it didn't work. I haven't seen my "ex" in a few months, then I saw her two nights in a row last week. We don't speak or even make eye contact, but just seeing her set me off. I am so angry and bitter and resentful of her. So I need to stay away completely. I don't want to ditch my other friends, but I may have to, and that was something I feared.

I did something dumb, too... I went on a discussion group we have at the University and said things about her. I didn't mention her by name, but it was still bad. Luckily I found I could delete the post, which I did later on. But it could have gotten me in trouble or at best I would have looked insane.

I guess she's "won," but hopefully in a few months I won't give a damn about the little pig. I am just very angry and hurt over her. I was actually making "contact" with her all summer, in my thoughts anyway.

I was addicted to her friendship, and I just want her out of my head. 🙁

Jack

September 18, 2005
6:09 pm
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gingerleigh
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September 30, 2010
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I'm sorry Jack. Breakups really suck. The hurt can just gnaw away at us, it's really painful. *hug* Hang in there, bud.

September 18, 2005
6:45 pm
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Shaney
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Hi there jack - there are definitely no 'winners' in a break up, but it sure feels like it when they seem to have gone on with no glitches and we're left hating the ground they walk on. I used to feel the same way but it went away when things started happening for me in my life - I dated (even a few idiots just to get back into the swing of things), I moved when my job relocated, made some new friends (had to drop a bunch of old ones to avoid contact with the ex)... but in the end it worked out. It didn't take too long to get over the bitterness and feelings of resentment that I thought were always gong to be there for my ex, once I stopped dwelling on what he was doing and concentrated on my own life. Keep in mind that you're only hurting yourself by holding on to the bitterness - you're done with her.

September 18, 2005
9:12 pm
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kc30
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Jack
Good for you for knowing what is good for you, and taking the steps to protect yourself. If distancing from certain friends spares you the pain of seeing your ex for the time being, than it is the right thing. You need time to heal and take care of yourself, and it's hard to do that when the toxic ex is in your face, literally.

I've been in that angry place you are in...I was there for months and months it seemed. There's a lot to be learned about yourself through your anger if you take the time to feel it and learn to channel it in a healthy way.

For me, my anger is what helped me set critical boundaries to protect my heart. I was clueless about boundaries before because I cared too much what my ex would think. Being angry allowed me to NOT care what he thought and I learned to set them. Now, I can do it without the anger most times...and if I dont' set them when I need to...I find I get angry and end up doing it anyways.

Use it to better yourself, and good for you for deleting the bad stuff you had written. The hard lesson I've learned...but a very empowering one when learned...is that my behaviour is about ME...not him. I can't justify behaving badly just because he has hurt me. I control me, and I am trying to behave like a person of honour and integrity...someone I can be proud of, regardless of what he may be doing.

don't roll around in the gutter with her...hold your head up high and be proud of who you are and how you have conductd yourself...it's hard to do but in the end, you'll come out a winner for having done it.

kc

September 18, 2005
9:37 pm
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Matteo
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kc30,

"I can't justify behaving badly just because he has hurt me. I control me, and I am trying to behave like a person of honour and integrity...someone I can be proud of, regardless of what he may be doing." - this is very wise and nicely said!

jack122064,
You have every right to be angry, just keep cool. I know how it hurts to see your ex, I had the same experience a few days ago; took me almost a week to get back to "normal". Is there a possibility to meet your friends without seeing her?

September 18, 2005
10:11 pm
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Lass
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September 24, 2010
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This is a suggestion, from page 552 of the Big Book of AA.

To pray for that person every day for two weeks, that they have every thing you ever hoped for or wanted for yourself and your own life also. Not instead of you, but in addition to you. This will release resentment. Pray for their freedom, their growth, their happiness, their healing...as well as your own.

Anger is useful at first, to break away, but has to be let go as soon as possible, because one can actually get stuck there. Anger makes us feel powerful. Real power is powerlessness, a dependence upon God.

Love,
Lass

September 18, 2005
10:21 pm
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crazyj
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I know you're hurt, but the anger only does you harm. "Anger gets the best of us"...and i guess with the crap that i've been through (cheating husband), it seems as if they win, if you let them have a hold on you. Thelast thing i want, is my cheating ass hubby to win, knowing that i'm falling apart, or even just thinking it. Stay strong, and you'll get through it, even if it takes time. Time heals all wounds.
Take care,
J

September 18, 2005
11:19 pm
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jack122064
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Thanks everyone. I can see my other friends without seeing her, and I will, around campus. But my regular socializing needs to come to an end.

I don't think I'm at the point where I can wish any good for her. I can force myself to, I guess.

I realize that I became so dependent on her friendship, and leaned on her for my self-esteem. I feel that when we "broke up," I lost that lifeline, and I felt it is a reflection on me - that I am inadquate, not good enough, etc. This is why I need to break free from her completely - we are no good for each other.

Jack

September 19, 2005
2:05 am
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SassyAlex
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Jack, I understand what you mean about not being at the point to wish any good for her. I am not at the point where I want to wish anything good for my ex either. But you don't have to. But, also, you don't have to be the one who goes out of your way for "revenge" either. Not that you want revenge. As they say, living well is the best revenge, and it is completely true. Someone who is living their life in a destructive, ignorant, or hurtful way will have their own consequences to deal with. She doesn't have you in her life, she doesn't get to know you any more. Good luck.

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