Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
No contact- how is everyone doing?
March 21, 2005
9:23 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Haven't been on in awhile and not much time today to catch up- just wondering if anyone is still in for the "no contact" thing? I'm still hanging in/on- to the no reaction thing- had to lay some hardass boundaries on my ex- boy he didn't like it but he's settled down temporarily- nicer than he's been in a month- well, nice isn't the word, but not spitting fire. Guess I've found one of his sore spots- nice to have the roles reversed.

So, setting boundaries without overly emotional reactions is where I'm at- definitely new ground, little scary but working. Saw the lawyer- one last try at getting support without going to court, but I'm finally ready to do that if that's what it will take to get this over with. He doesn't want court, so maybe he'll settle. One can hope.

Anyways- drop a line for an update!

March 21, 2005
9:32 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

kc...glad to hear you are hanging in there.

I wish I could say I was doing as well as you. I have a protective order which prohibits my ex from calling me, but he does it all the time. About two weeks ago, I picked up the phone, and he started his usual crap, so I hung up and refused to pick up his calls again. My kids have been answering calls from him, and when he asks to speak to me I tell them I am busy and they should take a message.

It worked fine until Saturday. The kids were with him, so when his number showed up on caller ID, I picked up. He asked me when our daughter's game was, and he has a copy of the schedule. As a matter of fact, last week I gave him a calendar with all the kids activities on it so he wouldn't call and ask me these stupid questions...but he calls anyway. Sent the calendar back home with my daughter. I told him, and yesterday he called to asked when I was coming to pick the kids up.

I do really well not picking up the phone when the kids are here, but when they are with him, and I see his number, it's really hard for me to not pick up. I think it might be them calling me....

any ideas about how to deal with this?

And if you're going to tell me to call the cops to enforce the restraining order, know that I don't know if I can do that....he has violated it so many times by calling me, and I haven't done anything about it. And my kids have been through so much during this horrible divorce, that I don't know if I can have their dad hauled off to jail and lose his job for calling me on the phone....

hope everyone else is doing better than me!

March 21, 2005
9:44 am
Avatar
UsuallyStrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been looking for the "no contact" thread this morning and here it appeared! Not a moment too soon, as I've been having a really rough few days.

It'll be a month on Friday since I've had contact with my ex. I've recklessly been trying to forget him. I've been dating and even slept with an ex-boyfriend, all with hopes of forgetting him. I'm failing miserably and just want to call him, email him, see him. I keep trying to rationalize contacting him, but I know if I do I'll never be happy.

I broke up with him because I couldn't get over him breaking up with me in the past. I guess my pride got in the way or all that doubt of an actual break up just scares me too much. If I call him, then I'll still wonder if he really wants to be there. The question I have is will he ever call since I'm the one who broke up with him?

This makes me think I should send him an email, just to check in. Let him know I'm still here but think we both need time. I'm not sure if this is better or if it's just better to give it time? How much time? We dated for nine months, I don't want to be without him, I miss him.

March 21, 2005
9:47 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready- what a yucky situation to be in. Why is there an order against him? Is he violent? And how old are the kids?

It's so hard when you have kids- (I have 2 and one on the way) because there is always an "excuse" for contact. If you aren't going to enforce the order, then you may have to just accept the fact that he is going to keep calling, and find out if that's a better alternative than the other. He probably won't stop unless you make him, so in time, you'll either come to peace with the calls and find some good coping devices so that he doesn't upset you, or you'll have had enough and will enforce the order.

No easy answers, are there? With kids, you never really divorce them.....

March 21, 2005
9:53 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Strong
DON'T DO IT!! Write it out here first...then sit on it for 24 hours, sleep tonight and come back to read it. You won't want to send it, I guarantee it. If you send it when you're feeling lousy, you're not in your right frame of mind, and you'll regret it.

It's been a month! You don't want to start all over do you? I'd kill for a month of no contact with my ex!!

March 21, 2005
9:57 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

exactly...the divorce is final, but I have two kids with this man, and I do have to keep him posted about what is going on in their lives.

My daughter is 11 and my son is almost 15. They are old enough to know what is going on, but not old enough to stand up to their dad and tell him how they feel. They are afraid of that, still.

My ex left voluntarily in October and gave us the keys to the house. He has a history of verbal abuse, threats, physical agression, and mental manipulation....I had filed for divorce and asked him to leave. I filed for the protective order after my ex broke our front door down, came into the house, and went through emails, mail and phone messages. The no phone contact was my lawyer's way of protecting me from his harrassment, and his ability to twist my words and use them against me. He is supposed to contact me through email so I have a record of what was said, and so things cannot be misconstrued and used against me.

The phone call thing is hard...I don't mind him calling if he is just going to ask a simple question about a schedule...when it goes beyond that, I hang up. I guess that's the best I can do right now....

BTW...he's not allowed on my property, so the other day he emails me and tells me his parents don't want me trespassing on their property by pulling in their driveway when I come to pick up the kids. (he lives with his parents now). What a joke. I don't even get out of my car to pick them up, I just pull in the driveway and they come out. Next week I think I'll go up and ring the bell. He's just trying to get at me...I'd like to see him call the police because I'm picking up my children. My lawyer says to just carry a copy of the parenting plan that states I am to pick them up and no cop will do anything.

But thanks for the advice...hope you all are doing better than me!

March 21, 2005
10:00 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Man, he sounds like a piece of work Ready...he's working hard to get you to react and engage, isn't he? Sounds like something my ex would do.

March 21, 2005
10:09 am
Avatar
UsuallyStrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hate to say it, but I'm semi-envious that you're ex's are contacting you. That's all I want. I just want him to reach out to me!

I am really drowning today.

March 21, 2005
10:10 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, yeah...he lives for it. I stopped reacting about a year ago, and that's when his behavior got completely out of control. It was the best thing I've ever done, though. I used to "dance the dance" right along with him....he could get me so caught up in his insanity. And after lots of counseling, Alanon, and reading coda books....I realized what I needed to do. So I stopped reacting. Funny how when you start acting like a normal person, how totally insane they seem. He just keeps getting worse....and keeps having to raise the bar because he doesn't get a rise out of me. Some days its really hard not to react, and every once in a while I fall off the wagon. But I'm doing okay so far.

How long has your ex been an ex?

March 21, 2005
10:20 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

usuallystrong....PLEASE don't be envious of me. The only reason my ex is contacting me is to be hateful, spiteful and to get a reaction out of me. And to remain in control of my emotions. It isn't healthy or normal, and I don't welcome his contact at all.

Many years ago, though, I was in your shoes. He would ignore me, and I would do anything and everything to get his attention. I know where you are, and it is hard. Hang in there...stay strong...unless the contact is healthy, normal and welcome, it isn't worth it.

March 21, 2005
10:20 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, he's not officially an ex yet- just in my dreams 🙂 We've been separated for over a year, but tried on and off a couple of times to make it work. After the last time, I knew it was over for me, and that's where I am now- trying not to react so that I can just get on with my life. I'm glad that you mentioned that your ex's behaviour got worse when you stopped reacting- mine has been as well, although he's very passive/agressive, so it's a lot more subtle.

I have a therapist who has told me to expect this...the less control he has, the worse he will get. As I mentioned, I told him if he didn't stop playing games, I thought it would be best for us to simply go to court, get a visitation schedule in place, and that would be that. He took that as a threat, but he really backed off after. It's nice to have a temporary reprieve- I guess if that's what it takes for some peace...court it is!!

Hey Usuallystrong- Mine isn't contacting me to get me back- it's to make me miserable!! (if that's any consolation)

March 21, 2005
10:29 am
Avatar
UsuallyStrong
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That does make sense...I'd hate it if he was calling to hurt me more. But that is why I'm having a hard time deciding if I should contact him or leave him alone. Our last conversation was very angry. It was a break-up by "accident." Came up in conversation, tempers and pride got in the way, and now here I am a month later wanting contact. In some sense I think the break from eachother is good, but when is it enough?

When is sending an email a good idea? How is it healthy or not healthy to have contact?

Is it better to set a date to when I can contact him again? I'm thinking of saying I won't contact him until May 1st. This will give us some time apart and maybe I'll move on by then or maybe that will be enough time for us to get over some of the hurt.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
47 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109291

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

hritsyaDazy, zapravkaprofi, pbyffDazy, rjhybkfDazy, dflbifDazy, LavrushkaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer