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No contact club
May 2, 2005
2:46 pm
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kc30
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There are at least 4 people on this site (excluding me!) who are struggling with the no contact thing...want to cut it off but are really dying with the withdrawl that accompanies.

Maybe everyone who's trying/struggling could meet on this thread to support each other? Even I am still tempted to engage mine, and it's been nearly 9 weeks. Of course, I would be very sneaky and find a good "excuse" that even I would buy...but I have a "wait 48 hours and see if it's still important rule" and every time, the urge passes by then. So, it's a constant battle...allies really help.

It's always good to have someone who is "there" and understands.

Whattya think? Anyone in?
kc

May 2, 2005
2:56 pm
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2bstrong
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I AM IN!

Starting right now. 1:57 pm central standard time.

Want to beat my old record of 15 and a half days.

May 2, 2005
2:59 pm
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kc30
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Yay! Even if we cave, we're still in. You need the support even more when you slip!!

May 2, 2005
3:03 pm
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dustygirl
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I'm in. He is suppose to call tonight - my phone will be unplugged and my cell phone off. Lord,please give the strength!!!

May 2, 2005
4:02 pm
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Deena
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Im in too... All of this support is great. It's only been 3 days for me without contact.

May 2, 2005
6:45 pm
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lt1999
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I like this idea. I gave in today, I had gone 9 days and couldn't take it anymore. I called him and he couldn't talk, he called me back and we talked for 30 minutes about what is going on with each other. I felt so happy after we talked, but now i just want to see him. I know that I can't get back in this mess. So, I am definitly a fan your idea. I could use some good support.

May 2, 2005
7:12 pm
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dustygirl
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Just some words of encouragement - talked to a friend of mine about relationships and he says that men hate weak women - they are just too needy and causes too many problems. That helped me as it's not even been 24 hours and I want to talk to him - but knowing how needy and codependent I have become in the last few months and have seen him back away - I know what I need to be strong and hold strong for what I want and deserve and not for the crumbs that he throws me. I deserve better than that. Strength is in numbers so everyone on this thread we really need to support each other.

May 2, 2005
7:45 pm
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duckiebobette
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I am soooo in!! Last tuesday was and is hopefully the last time I contact him. He emailed me first, twice so I gave in... But, the ball is in my court and I'm popping it! I cannot stand the yucky feelings I get after we come into contact via email or text. Its not a good feeling, these days I have been so focused on taking care of myself and nurturing myself, talking to him is retrograding destruction. I've worked much too hard to feel good about life, I don't want to go backwards. This club is a great idea! Thank you! My personal rule is, I will not call, visit, email, text, or talk to mutual friends about him or the break-up anymore than what they know, and if he emails me or text me or any other form of contact; I will only reply back with an email or text saying 'hi, and happy that you are doing good'; because he usually only tells me the good things that are going on when we break up. WISH ME LUCK! I will wish upon stars for you all in the NO CONTACT CLUB!!!
Cheers!
**DB**

May 2, 2005
8:56 pm
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Shameonme
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I want to join in the club. My Counseller says I need no contact but he text messages me every day(and is not about the children). Been divorced for a year, in the beginning he was having a great time, now he loves me more than life and wants me back. Think he may need money. Divorced on paper but still feel the ties. Need support. I'm in.

May 2, 2005
9:58 pm
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happyheart
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I'm in too!! I have not talked to him in a week, but reponded to a text message on Thursday - very briefly... so, no more contact! He stomps all over my feelings and makes me hurt so I need to protect myself from him. Thanks for being there - I'll start with the text message on Thurs - means I have gone 4 days!!

May 2, 2005
10:07 pm
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moongirl
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I continued to have a physical relationship with my ex even after we were divorced.... In late December I knew something was up (after more than a year of being together after divorce), but couldn't figure out what had changed. He stopped calling me and "visiting".... I found out through my sister, that he had a new girlfriend (16 years younger than he's newly 40 self). So, I have made no contact since January and still have days when I wonder about him and wish there could have been different closure. He was the one who moved on into a new relationship, so in a way it was easier for me to realize over really meant over. Since then I have tried to take care of myself and be healthier. I have started running and have lost 20 pounds. I feel like a completely different person. I try to re-focus my energy thinking about him into thinking about what choices and healthier decisions I'm going to make the next time I meet someone. I actually feel like I'm getting something out of the book Women Who Love Too Much-- and lately the book He's Just Not That Into You Daily Wake Up Call. My favorite wake up call is: "Breakups are horrible. But to me, what's truly devastating is to feel like you weren't even worth a breakup. It's natural to want to do something about that. But I guess the hope is that when a guy no longer wants to communicate with me, and doesn't have the manners or courage to tell me that to my face, he's given me all the information I need. It's the toughest one of all to put into practice." ~Behrendt/Tuccillo

May 2, 2005
10:28 pm
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MiChick43
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ladies,
im in. ITs been several days now. He has called leaving nasty mean msgs on my voice mail. I decided NOT to change my cell number because I think that would only prompt him into contacting me other ways, aka work or stopping by. So ive left it and as soon as I know its his msg I stop listening and delete it.

So Im in.

May 2, 2005
10:43 pm
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MiChick43
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my ex called my cell phone Saturday night. In the background I heard a ton of people, I suppose a party. I reaized right then and there it was time to really move forward. This man is not lonely or sad. He is having the dang time of his life. I was feeling really sorry for him thinking , even after all he did to me, he must be alone. Silly me. But it was good to hear that because it has helped .

May 2, 2005
11:46 pm
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grey cat
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We last broke up on Tuesday. He called me friday night after too many drinks, saying he expected to hear from me but didn't want to talk to me. He called me to say THAT! On Saturday I felt like I had to call him back and I did: because he had been expecting to hear from me... In one year of relationship we broke up more times then we did go out dancing, or to the movies. I think it's time I join this group!
It's hard to go on with the absence of the person who was closest to me. I miss his friendship. I feel lonely. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

May 3, 2005
12:57 am
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newly understanding myself
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Wow! just came into this site tonight and I don't feel so lost. This thread is so so relevant.

Break the cycle - listen to ourselves. we DO deserve more.

What do we want tomorrow and the next day? Someone better for us. So no contact.

Remember that even if we stumble and do contact them, it's just a stumble. Nothing is hurt yet. Keep the contact to a minimum and remember to let it go then.

AND please help me to remember my own advise. 'Cause I am fighting with myself and I want to stop it. No contact with an unhealthy "friend" would be good.

May 3, 2005
2:03 am
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bonita1
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I already joined the "No Contact Club" a while back. But, it was lonely. That's why this is such a great idea!

It's been three months for me with no contact, but I had to change my home and cell numbers so I would stop running to the phone or checking my caller ID. Pathetic, yes, I know!

I just keep the image of him lying to me and spending the night with his floozy(ies) and all the stinking lies.....

His words said "I love you, I always have and I always will..." His actions screamed, "I don't love you, I just used you and will continue to use you....if you let me"

That helps stop me cold and I don't travel down that path, the pain-filled path of eternal neediness, misery and yearning. I try to focus on my future, that is brighter because he's not in it.

I tell myself floozies come and floozies go, but a woman of worth like me(and like all of us here!!) will never ever walk into and out of his/their sorry life again; pathetic, little life that will end badly.

But, I have to always be on guard, because that addiction to him can so easily ensnare me again. UGH!

So we are sisters united!!! (any brothers out there want to join the no contact club?)

May 3, 2005
6:43 am
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ntheprocess
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I posted this on another thread for someone else but think it may be useful here...add something to replace the void of a lost relationship...self care.

...In the meantime try doing some very loving things for yourself. Take a long bubble bath. Go and get a pedicure and manicure if you can. Practice extreme self care and love. Get a new hair style, (no drastic changes during this period). Spend some of the energy that you have been using on him, on yourself. Write in a journal, and by all means allow yourself to cry. Keep talking to. Read some inspirational books, especially those that are about self-love and breaking bad ties. Reading always takes your mind away for a little while. Take a walk. Light a scented candle and meditate or ask God for comfort and guidance, everytime your mind wanders back to him, gently bring it back to God, or like the other post says a picture, etc. Now from experience, you will not necessarily feel like doing these things, but you must make an extra effort at this time. Say positive affirmations to yourself in the mirror. Make I, present tense statements with feeling and belief. For example say, "I DESERVE GOOD LOVE, I AM WORTH IT". It is awkward at first, but they really do work. Whatever you decide to say. The idea is to treat yourself with love, kindness and a little extra pampering. Trust me, in a little while, you'll be wondering what all the fuss over him was about in the first place!

May 3, 2005
8:39 am
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kc30
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I'm stuck in a recycling phase I think...I need to be very careful not to let my guard down. My stbx husband has gone from asshole to ass-kisser...making it very very easy for me to ask him for "help" with things I am able to do on my own, but would be sooo much easier to have two sets of hands involed (like kid stuff, getting ready for baby etc) He really NEEDS to feel needed (terribly insecure I think), and that's how I"ve broken out of this...with the attitude that I don't need him (and I don't)

That's how it starts with us...he becomes incredibly accomodating after a nasty spell and would probably do anything I asked him to do to "help me out". He does it gladly...then just somehow infiltrates the home/family and we end up involved again. He would really like to be able to be with me, but not be committed, just keep it fun and fantasy-like, and run away when the hard stuff happens (like LIFE!)....which of course doesn't work when you are MARRIED!!

I never saw the pattern before. I do now and I am trying to be VERY careful...I ask him for nothing...I discuss nothing with him...I want to leave no opening for personal contact at all. But with the pattern so deeply ingrained, I never know if it's my illness telling me to do something, or if it's the right thing to do (case in point, my daughter had a big meltdown last night- I let him know...did he need to know that she is having tantrums, being saucy etc- I've been putting it off for weeks because I don't know if it's just a reason to engage)

He, of course, is overly thankful that I told him, and is now "on the case" and will "let me know" anything he sees. But did I just give him an excuse to engage me now? Blah...

I know I woulnd't do it (get involved again) but sometimes, I wonder if I COULD do it. In the end, I don't want to be with him, so it would just be a messy affair, but I feel lonely and tired sometimes, and sometimes I feel really nasty and think I could just see...lure him in and then smash him to pieces.

Who am I kidding, I don't have the heart or stomach for those kinds of games.

I just need to disengage mentally I think....

Sorry so long...thanks for listening.
kc

May 3, 2005
9:20 am
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2bstrong
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ntheprocess...
Thanks for the post. Those are wonderful suggestions.

kc...
You have such a good way with words. Seems like with you stbx there is always a "dance" you have to do. I think it is a self-protective dance.

I hope you don't second guess your self on the sharing the info about your daughter. He does need to know, and you need to know how your children are doing when they are with him. I understand, though that you're trying to protect yourself.

You're such an inspiration to me! Here we are on Day 2--no contact already.

Keep up the good work, everyone.

May 3, 2005
9:22 am
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kc30
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Hey 2b
Did you hear anything back after your email yesterday?

May 3, 2005
9:28 am
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2bstrong
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Nope. No reply. Not surprised.

2bstrong

May 3, 2005
9:33 am
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kc30
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2b--
I know you said you weren't expecting a reply...but even still...how are you feeling about things?

BTW- Thanks for the kind words...I needed that this morning! I'm just pretty grateful that I can see a pattern, so hopefully that knowledge will keep me safe from...well, me!! He can only get in if I open the door.

May 3, 2005
10:49 am
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Deena
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I was just looking for a reason to call. Im stupid. But so far I didn't call. It's hard to imagine they can move on sooo quickly and easily..

May 3, 2005
11:03 am
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kc30
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Hey Deena
At least you can see that you're looking for a reason! That's one of the biggest steps in my opinion...when you start getting honest with yourself! Sure, you may still call...but at least you can be honest about what you want (him to regret it, an apology, explanation, to get back together...etc)

It's the self deceit that keeps us in denial....

kc

May 3, 2005
12:46 pm
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2bstrong
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Hey all--

Thanks for the great posts. I did get a reply from the ex. Just brief. It didn't make me feel any better; and yes, like the *ss I am, I replied. But at leas no phone conversation!

I'll take small victories.

2bstrong

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