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NO CONTACT CLUB -- Revelations
August 7, 2006
12:14 am
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Anonymous
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LL, stick with me on this. You are so cool, wise and awesome! I think it is more like your second paragraph than first. He wants me to chase him, maybe for his own security. He admittly likes being chased. I hate that, and he sometimes clues me in that he is hurt wiht a simple statement, like "that hurt," or "you're mean," even when I had no clue. Guys are from MARS! Yes, this one was healthier than most, because we were good friends first and knew everythin about each other's backgrounds before we got physical and tht made the physical just awesome, according to us both. We have a hard time staying mad at each other, and end up laughing. And he always says "don't tell any guys how long I can talk to u on the phone. I never talk to anyone this long." Now this weirdness.

August 7, 2006
12:22 am
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lovinglife
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So perhaps he IS baiting you with his evasiveness….now that brings in a twist here P&L. What are you going to do?

August 7, 2006
12:23 am
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honestly, dont know. what do u think?

August 7, 2006
12:40 am
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lovinglife
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P&L~~

If it's a *game* that he is playing- I'd call him on it-- by NOT playing into it. And that is one thing that is hard- when someone is playing a mind game of sorts- it’s almost like punishing you. Right now your left dazed & confused. You shouldn't have to pry to get the info, you know what I mean??

If he wants to play a game- let it be his not yours. Personally I'd call or email him, BUT then I am a sick, sick, sick woman!! And you don't want to be one of those women like me, trust me! You'll have more respect for yourself- I lose that respect for myself by playing into the game.

August 7, 2006
7:07 am
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garfield9547
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Lovinglife

As you all can see I have lost touch as I do not have time at this stage to be on the internet.

I saw you talking about games they play and just popped in to add.

from operationdoubles.com

I call it the Teeter Totter Game. Raise yourself by lowering somebody else. In other words, aggrandize yourself by devaluing somebody else. Demean them as much as possible, because the closer you come to treating them like dirt, the more you boost yourself.

This explains why narcissists usually treat their own immediate family worst: There are few outside his immediate family whom the narcissist dares treat like dirt. So, his spouse and children are valuable to him for this use. They are worth every penny it costs to support them, because he gets the biggest step up on them.

Narcissists do not treat everybody the same. They size up the people around them as a set of tools, deciding what each is good for. If, say, a narcissist meets a V.I.P., he does not abuse that tool. He uses it to aggrandize himself by association — a much different way than he uses his family and best friends. He can even use the same tool differently in different contexts. For example, if he has acquired a beautiful "trophy wife," he idealizes her in public while devaluing her in private.

Yet there are two generalizations you can make. First, whether he raises or lowers a person, he does so for his own aggrandizement. Second, he either idealizes or devalues a person to you: there is no in-between. If you know a narcissist well, you have probably noticed that he either sees nothing but good in a person or nothing but bad. You have probably often seen his appraisals of people go upside-down overnight, for little or no apparent reason.

So, a narcissist doesn't play the Teeter Totter Game with everybody all the time. Only those he abuses. These are mainly the vulnerable, the targets of his envy and ingratitude, and those who cannot just get and stay away from him = those trapped in a crucible with him, through attachment and/or dependence.

In the examples that follow, you find two kinds of narcissistic interactions: those with the person the narcissist devalues and those with other people concerning that person. In interactions with the person he devalues, the narcissist denies many things, like acknowledgment of rights, credit, gratitude, and so forth. But these are just different ways of denying that person gratification.

Often, those denied it eventually come right out and ask for what they want from him. For example, after slaving over Thanksgiving dinner all day, his wife might say that she wishes he would say a meal was good now and then. On Prom Night, his daughter might ask him if he thinks she looks nice. Somebody grieving or depressed who needs comfort or somebody to talk to will see him acting as though he can't stay far enough away from them and come right out and ask for comfort, a shoulder to cry on, or somebody to talk to. This appeal would prompt a normal person to give it up. But it prompts a narcissist to withhold like a child withholds a toy that another child asks for: He wraps both arms around it tightly and clutches it close to himself, yelling "No!"

In other words, he reacts hostilely to an appeal for consideration, as if it were a hostile act. Those who live with narcissists get mighty sick of this. Sooner or later they make confrontational requests for the consideration it would kill him to give. "Was the meal good? Did you like it? Would it kill you say so?" "You have never said you loved me. Do you?" "I really need somebody to talk to and I have no one else. Can't you listen for a minute?" The more forceful the demand for his attentions, the more violently he repulses it. At this point he will almost always fly into a Narcissistic Rage. In a narcissist who has abused his mind for decades, it may be so infantile that it even includes bawling (i.e., uttering no words, just roaring to drown you out), covering his ears, squeezing his eyes shut tight, and stamping his feet.

August 7, 2006
7:21 am
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Borboleta
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P&L, I´m with LL. I've been a lot of times in this kind of game and finally i hadn´t got anything from them.

If you know how to control the situation after contacting him, then i´d say "do it". By controling the situation i mean know how to avoid playing yourself.

Today i´m feeling better, i´m on day 27 of J1 and on day 8 of ex-n. I feel is also because of the wise advices you've given me. Thanks Strong-, Hope-, Lovinglife (i love your nickname), Taj64 and everyone.

With all my support

B

August 7, 2006
8:28 am
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1lost1
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Day 30!!! Thank you all for the inspiration to make it here.

hopeless...Did the yesterday go well for you? Thinking about ya!

Strong...Thank you for all the encouragement. Very proud of you for your accomplishments.

LL...Your supportive comments are appreciated. We are moving forward.

Watch out world here we come!

August 7, 2006
10:30 am
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StronginHim77
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Garfield strikes again!!! Thanks. Awesome posting. I am gonna print it out and wallpaper my room with it.

- Strong (on Day #48 of NC)

August 7, 2006
11:41 am
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hopeless
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I'm here everybody. Sorry i went out yesterday and i actually slept for the first time all through the night. I went out with the guy i've been seeing... he's very nice. We had a good time and all.

August 7, 2006
11:46 am
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risingfromtheashes
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LL -

my secret? I can't tell...wish I could.

Actually, part of my secret is having a great support network.

Second, realizing that NO CONTACT means just that - and NC means having the last word and maintaining the control.

Looking back and realizing what a monster he was, accepting the reality, helped too....no rose colored glasses.

Looking back and realizing my part in the dysfunction - and how I should have run the first time the flags waved....but didn't.

Understanding that we can love someone, but if their behaviour is unacceptable to us, we need to move on, no matter "how good" the other reasons are. I got stuck in trying to mold him into what I needed - and lost sight of the reality that he couldn't be the person I needed. I loved him for what he "could be", and tried desperately to change the rest. In the end, I realize that if there is a high price for the crumbs of love you get, then it's not worth having.

I am not in a rush to start a new relationship - enjoying my time. Reading and learning. I have some new love interests and I am not making any stupid moves.

For once in my life, I am at peace with what I have and with myself.

And that, I think, is the REAL KEY to success.

I lurked here alot, so many of you helped without even realizing it.

August 7, 2006
11:54 am
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lovinglife
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Garfield!! Thanks- its great to hear from you : ) And I printed out your latest- another one to add to the 'book'. Thank you once again. I really wish (being selfish here) that you didn't have another life outside AAC!!

Borboleta~ ~ I agree with you on P&L..."If you know how to control the situation after contacting him, then i´d say "do it"." I dream of the day that I can be normal and not obessive.

And YEH on the *27 of J1 and on day 8 of ex-n.*!! And I'm SO with you on the ...." I feel is also because of the wise advices you've given me." EACH and every ONE of us are what makes this support thread work and that includes YOU!!

1Lost1~ ~ Day 30.. Day 30.. Day 30..one more time DAY 30!! And I love the..."We are moving forward." and

"WATCH OUT WORLD HERE WE COME" : )

August 7, 2006
12:03 pm
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hopeless
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I finally slept all through the night and didnt once dream about the ex-n or think about him. It felt so good.

August 7, 2006
12:06 pm
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lovinglife
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Hope~ ~ you slept...oh my goodness...you slept... he has made you feel a little peaceful inside...thats what we want Hope- thats exactly what we want.

Rising~ ~ Wow- another great post to print out...That's what I'm working towards- very inspirational. Guess it does work when we do something with our pain- think I needed that as a reminder. Thank you.

August 7, 2006
12:10 pm
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forgottenone
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hi all. i had a great time on my girls night friday, we went to a great club but one of my friends wanted to leave too early, she didn't think it was "her crowd" so we ended up going to nyc. i drank at the club and when in the car going to nyc, i started crying b/c i thought about the ex-fiance, i keep forgetting alcohol is a depressant.
saturday, i had no plans and was scared at the thought of a saturday night alone. but my ex-boyfriend (not the ex-fiance) called and we went to see a movie with 3 of his friends that night. i also went to the beach that saturday during the day by myself, i layed on the beach reading "the purpose driven life" and writing in my journal, very peaceful
except i got lost and wasn't able to go to the original beach i wanted to, so i went to the beach my ex proposed to me at, and i think i accidentally parked on the same street i was proposed to - so OUCH - not a good idea - note to self avoid all places with deep memories for a while, i thought i was strong enough to handle it , but it bothered me.

just at the moments i feel really pathetic, i got text messages from friends, and i felt i would be "all right" socially - this is why it is ALWAYS important to maintain your friendships even if you're dating, engaged, married, whatever.

August 7, 2006
12:20 pm
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taj64
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Dear Rising from the Ashes, That hits the nail for me. I tried to date. I am realizing Im still attracting people Im not crazy about, not good for me, emotionally unavailable. It is becuase i am not ready, still have to maintain that no contact for much longer time, that I still need to recover from being hurt and angry. Still lingering issues but I still have come a long way from the early days. I used to wander around the house, feeling sorry for myself, never knew what to do, just felt hopeless.

August 7, 2006
12:21 pm
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hopeless
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I am finally going back to the church he scared me out of! This saturday i hope to go to a special service for homeless children and back to volunteer work with the afterschool program. I have asked Al (the man i've been seeing) to come with me. He isnt sure yet, since he isnt used to church but he seems to honestly want to give it a chance. *crosses fingers* I think all the tears might finally come to something good.

August 7, 2006
12:23 pm
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forgottenone
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hopeless - iknow how you feel - and lately i have had 2 dreams that showed my ex-fiance in a bad way - which is good! i ahd a dream he had bugs crawling on him and i was repulsed and another where he was 2 feet tall.

i bought a CD of rain and thunder and found it to be comforting, when this first happened, i was abusing sleeping pills and drinking a little, and i never drank before, but i'm trying not to go there.

August 7, 2006
12:27 pm
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hopeless
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i just spent two months not sleeping much at all and driving myself insane. No more i say. I put myself here about time i dig myself out of this misery. He wasnt that important.. only a short chapter in a long life. A short and bitter chapter that shouldnt be mourned because it didnt bring much good for me at all.

August 7, 2006
12:31 pm
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forgottenone
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I agree, hopeless.

i totally understand about the not sleeping.

last night i awoke at 3AM because i was still worried that i could be pregnant, my pill subscription ran out my last night i was with him and i had chosen a bad medical plan at thew new job bc i was thinking "i'm getting married and he has such good benefits" - ha - so my obgyn didn't take this new plan,

anyway, woke up at 3AM freaked out bc i couldn't remember when the last period was, took the test, it was negative thank THE LORD and now today is the first day of the rest of my life.

August 7, 2006
12:31 pm
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forgottenone
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I agree, hopeless.

i totally understand about the not sleeping.

last night i awoke at 3AM because i was still worried that i could be pregnant, my pill subscription ran out my last night i was with him and i had chosen a bad medical plan at thew new job bc i was thinking "i'm getting married and he has such good benefits" - ha - so my obgyn didn't take this new plan,

anyway, woke up at 3AM freaked out bc i couldn't remember when the last period was, took the test, it was negative thank THE LORD and now today is the first day of the rest of my life.

August 7, 2006
12:35 pm
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hopeless
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Boy do i know how you feel. I was pregnant when i was thrown away by my ex-n.

August 7, 2006
12:41 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Taj,

we have more in common than you realize.

The guy from ohio has presented some HUGE red flags, and because of this, I have detached - I thought I saw a "glimmer" of hope there - but after today's convo - I see that this is as far gone as I first suspected.

So I am learning to "see with new eyes" - and I see the realities before me, not AFTER they have destroyed me.

The guy in upstate NY - possibilities? maybe, but what I will do is follow "the rules" and see how they play out. I NEVER thought I would date younger - in fact, my match profile is range 33-45 - cuz I will be 35 in September. And because most young guys don't have their heads in the same place - they aren't usually candidates for what I want. However, given the life he leads, it IS possible - so I won't write him off....he has a NICE body - tho his tat's are a little overdone - it's just cosmetic and all Marines do it. It will be interesting to see what happenes next weekend, as I am going to the county fair with my friends, and I don't think we'll all fit in one car!!!

Taj - I also am not rushing the match.com thing - I read profiles now and SEE the red flags waving - where in the past, I would never have seen them. And I skim right thru them, not really finding anyone worth my time or money.

Am I ready to date? sure - do I want to? I'm ambivalent - show me someone of quality character and I may change my mind....until then, I am content with me.

I do not spend time thinking about him....as a matter of fact, he has rarely come into my mind, short of the updates I had to give my friends up north....but his face, his image, his words....they don't "haunt" me. I don't walk around feeling sorry for myself.

In fact, I walk around thinking "how can I improve what I have?" "how can I make my life better?" "what do I want to do for me now?".

I am dead broke and my car needs new tires, new windshield and new brakes and I don't have rent money....and for once in my life, I am NOT getting an ulcer over it. It will work out the way it's meant to. My ex owes me much money, and I refuse to go seeking it. No contact is no contact.

I have lost 32 lbs so far and every day is a new opportunity.

I think I am past the 30 day mark - and I think the "habit" is very much broken.

August 7, 2006
12:44 pm
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forgottenone
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damn girl. if you were here i would give you a hug. how did he respond to the news?

August 7, 2006
12:51 pm
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jegleg
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Strong-

I WOULD NOT send his stuff. I am new to this thread, but I strangely identify to what you are going through. I would send it to his daughter. His well-being and the worries you have about his grandson are not much a concern for you anymore. You are leaving open a tiny little door for contact. Even though you are being strong, there is ALWAYS a little part of our brains in the corner that hopes for something. I would send it to the daughter and if not - I would chuck it in the garbage. Get rid of everything - I would even SELL that diamond and take the money and buy something nice for yourself that don't remind you of him. Just something that I wish I would have done months ago. Advice is alot easier to give.

August 7, 2006
12:53 pm
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hopeless
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I had to have an abortion for medical reasons he said " salvage the blood of the miscarriage to keep on living whore"

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