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NO CONTACT CLUB -- Revelations
November 12, 2006
5:17 am
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Simondo3573
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Hello needtoheal,cyndra, stronghim and clownface. Glad to know I am not alone. Its two months now since I started my divorce and I continually have been failing at N/C. Since my post yesterday of course I rang. She talks as if nothing happened sweet offers to throw in the bar job. I feel so weak and feeble then I come here and by reading your stories realize what strength it takes to keep these emotions under control. Back at the very begining again. I had a day of grief yesterday I had got my hopes up with the contact I had been having. Then they came crashing down again this weekend. Tears and sorrow like I was back at the begining. Slept a little better strangely for the first time since this started. So its Sunday I still have a hole in my heart. Its grey and wet. I am with you all needtoheal WE CAN DO THIS. clownface your too right we are addicted its time to detox and get happy. stronghim its good to know N/C is working well and cyndra wise words for me to use today. Hoping we all manage N/C this Sunday

November 12, 2006
9:19 am
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needtoheal
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Simondo-- I know the pain and what you have been feeling lately. THis is very difficult to do but I think if we both listen to what Ma Strong has offered, we can see from her example that life does go on.. This morning I joined a gym.. I have to work today and that also will keep me busy until my boys return from the weekend at their dad's house.
I think that by keeping in contact with him lately opened up more hurt and wounds. I know that it is time for me to move forward which i am slowly doing.. Thinking of you
NEEd

November 12, 2006
1:03 pm
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Simondo3573
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Good to hear from you needtoheal. I went and read Mastrongs thoughts of course she is right. Had a couple of friends over today went for a walk then my son comes in saying he's just seen my wife in the shop near me. Why she's there when there are shops on her side of town. Of course thats where we bumped into each other after my longest N/C. I need to heal

November 12, 2006
6:09 pm
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unique1
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Hi All - Well....I am now joining this thread because I am working on NO CONTACT with my ex. I officially sent his things packing on Friday (see CUT DEEPLY thread) and he emailed me Friday evening. He doesn't know I've sent them. They will probably arrive Monday or Tuesday. After you've read my thread, please give any encouraging/support to help me stay strong with no contact. I think I can pretty much not contact him because toward the end of the relationship I began to see that he seemed as if he picked and chose when to answer my calls or simply respond. So being afraid of him rejecting me, I stopped. However, we know how they can sometimes respond with whatever that makes us react.
Thanks in advance.

November 13, 2006
9:51 am
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forgottenone
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hi all, i hope everyone had a good weekend.

i got a text from the ex fiance Saturday "good night - (my name). Sweet Dreams." at 1:30AM - it sounded so creepy, i mean who says "sweet dreams"? i felt like he was over my shoulder watching me or something from that text.

the funny thing is i was hanging out with the guy that i am seeing, which leads to another problem that i blame on the psychological effects of my ex- i think becoming promiscuous, i spent the night at the guy i'm seeing's place saturday and last friday, this is not like me - and i was barely able to stop things before they "progressed" completely (you all know what i mean) now i'm afraid the tone has been set for this relationship as going very fast physically (and i don't even know if he's my boyfriend or not, we haven't talked about it)

but i find it hard to stop and i know i can't help myself because i need to be comforted after my ex, help!!!

November 13, 2006
10:14 am
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lettingo
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Is it normal to feel so depressed to the point, I can barely work, sleep or eat. It is killing me. Everyone says it will get easier but it just seems to get harder. I really feel like I will end up in a mental hospital! I feel like my emotions are much worse than the average. Should I be worried. I have constant anxiety and feel like my chest is tigtening every second. I try to keep busy but I feel like I am dying inside. I haven't had contact with my husband in three days although he continues to text message me. I haven't been responding. Again, as time passes I feel like I am getting worse like I'm walking under water.

November 13, 2006
11:23 am
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Simondo3573
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Hi lettingo. I was exactly where you are when me and my wife split a couple of months ago. I went to the doctors after about 10 days of it and was told I was in traumatic shock. My heart goes out to you. I know you must feel truly awful right now but please hang in there its true it will pass. Do go and see a doctor if you can’t handle it they can help though the pills he gave me I quickly stopped taking and stay in touch with all of us we are here to listen. Exercise is good too, I was forced by a friend to go and ride my bike. I so did not want to but I was aware that I felt a bit better afterwards. Well done with your N/C

November 13, 2006
11:45 am
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lettingo
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Simondo3573
Thanks for the encouragement. I was just looking into what my job offers for a leave of absence. I am just praying that I don't have to take one. As long as I know this is normal and it will pass. As I said earlier, I am truely in a severe depression. I can barely stand doing anything except sleeping. I am on medication but I don't think it is helping. I have heard the same thing regarding exercise. Even though it is the last thing I want to do I will try and hit the gym today. I am so desperate. I just want to be able to breath.

November 13, 2006
1:21 pm
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Simondo3573
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Please go to the Gym and work out hard. If you can stay at work it would probably be better. I took some time out and just sat at home obsessing about it all and that was not good at all, at least at work even if its only for a moment you have to think about something else. I am still far from feeling happy but I am just not as 110% hurting as I was and can sense movement forward.

November 13, 2006
1:30 pm
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needtoheal
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simondo--

Ma Strong is right.. you should block your wife from sending you e-mails... do not read them.. no contact is no contact...
i know it is hard because I had even changed my cell phone number so that HE could not call or text me anymore.
I noticed that when I do talk to him it does bring me down further.. and it is not healthy...
we can do this...

November 13, 2006
2:19 pm
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Simondo3573
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Well day 2 N/C. I'm better than I have been and I guess after this weekend if I'm honest for the first for time I know she is not good for me. Thanks need

November 13, 2006
2:24 pm
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needtoheal
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I know that it is so difficult sometimes for us to take a step back and look from the outside of the relationship and see the reality of the situation ...

I was kidding with a friend that since i have been unable to block his number from the house line, I could just rip the phone off the wall.. the kids hardly ever watch TV so I could live an Amish lifestyle..LOL

it will get better

just keep taking care of yourself

November 13, 2006
3:43 pm
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wish2Bfree
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This is my first time to post on this thread, second time on the site. I too know that I need to begin no contact, but I am finding it so hard to start. My story in short is.....My exh is an abusive alcoholic mean person. We have been together almost 6 years married for 5 of them. Our divorce was final in March and I thought I was thru with him then. He moved in with another woman less than 5 blocks from my home. I thought I would die without him and let him come home. This was probably the 5th time I had kicked him out and let him come back. I have 2 boys' that are from a previous marriage and they both are glad he is gone. His abusive behavior is out of control when he drinks, which of course is daily. In August, I had him arrested out of my home for family abuse and violence. Since that time he has not gotten his things or his dog. He only has the few personal things he got the day he got out of jail and his pickup.

I know the relationship is no good for either of us. He calls me up and wants to know if he can come over, he wants to talk or snuggle or something. When I say no, he immediately start with the name calling. Since we have been married I have gained over 60 pounds which I am very self conscious about. So the name calling starts with you fat f---- b-tch, c--t, or wh---...... It just goes on and on. My boys' have heard this many times.

Yesterday I just had enough when he told me he hoped I didn't die in a horrendous car wreck!! I put all of his things out on the driveway. I called and let him know he needed to come pick it up. (I have told him this before and not done it!!) He drove by the house just as I was opening the door and saw his things. He called, told me "I had better put it back in the garage". I didn't. He turned his phone off so that I could not call him in the evening and then called me to see if I could call and please wake him up for work this morning. I asked him if he was crazy, said no and hung up. He called back and started calling me names. Well, I lost it, I went outside and cut up all of his clothes. His things are still at my house outside and it is mid-afternoon.

I feel like a madwoman and angry with myself that I let him get this type of a reaction out of me. I know I am addicted to the turmoil of the life we had. I need help with starting no contact and getting my life together. Before he came along, I was a woman that said I would never put up with emotional and/or physical abuse. I have put up with both at this point. I know I don't miss him, but with most men that are controlling, my friends were his friends spouses or girlfriends. I do have a good family and several close friends, but I feel like there is nothing to do because for so long my life revolved around his. (He has had 2 DUI's, so I would have to drive him everywhere)

I so badly want this to end. I know that if I can start and stick to no contact then I will have finally won this battle with myself. Please pray for me.

I have purchased a new home since August and am moving this week. My home phone number is going to change and be unlisted and he doesn't know where the new house is. After a couple weeks I am going to change my cell number. The only place he will be able to call me is at work. We have caller ID, so I will be able to not answer.

Any words of advice from some of you would be greatly appreciated!! I have read many of your stories and I am hopeful that no contact will make me stronger as it has all of you.

Wish

November 13, 2006
4:33 pm
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Simondo3573
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Wow wish2Bfree that's quite a story.

Of course you are doing the right thing, there are many of us struggling with the N/C thing its not easy. I would never of believed I could of got addicted to a relationship either. I had been married before and had had a long term relationship since, but this marriage was different because my wife is an alcoholic and has had repeated affairs. She is not abusive as your husband is but she manages to keep me feeling much of its my fault and even blames me for her affairs even though shewould agree we had a great love life and did much together. I think when we are in these relationships we for one reason or another widen our boundaries over the years to accommodate the next misdemeanour so much that we lose track of whats normal my friends would be horrified by her behavour and could not understand why I did not just leave her and we find that most of the time we are living in an adrenaline fuelled state, just waiting for the next drama to unfold and this is where the addiction comes from, our bodies get used to being wired out withall this high drama and turmoil. I am not surprised you reacted with such anger and cut up his stuff after the years of torment he has put you through. I don’t think you are mad you are at your wits end with it all. I am so glad you are moving. A total fresh and clean start - fantastic. You are doing all the right things. I struggle with my N/C too I too seem to have nothing to do iether, my life revolved far too much around my troubled relationship. I try and remember what I did before I met her. You are right we are addicted to these relationships. The first thing an addict should do is remove the thing he is addicted too. A drug addict who keeps coming into contact with his drug is going to end up taking it again. That's us, I have just done 10 days having a very unsatisfactory fix of my wife who came back to have another look. This time I think I have got it. Its only day two of N/C I’m starting all over again, it could of been week 9 if I had stayed strong to start with so don’t waste your time. Do not spoil that opportunity of having a nice new home with no bad memories of him at your door it would be such a shame to let that happen. Its a day at a time an hour at a time. You have come to a good place for support. I wish you well you are taking tough decisions I know its easier to give advise than to do it but there are those on this site that have months of N/C and are clearly happier stronger and more sorted out for it. keep those kids in the front of your mind too they don’t need it and will be so proud of you for what you are doing and that can only make you happier in the end. Good Luck wish2Bfree you are not alone with this anymore

November 13, 2006
4:56 pm
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wish2Bfree
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Thank you Simondo. I am really going to try. He called and left a message today at lunch and told me that I didn't need to bring him anything for lunch. But if I wanted to, I could bring him something to drink. I didn't call him back or even respond. We are going on 4 hours now of no contact. I am going to count the hours, then days.

My children also just called and said his stuff is still out in the driveway. I am picking them up after work and then going somewhere. I don't want to be there when he comes to get his things. It will just be easier that way for me.

Thank you for the kind words. You are right, I am at my wits end.

My new house will be great without the reminder of him and the horrible things he has done or said!! I have even bought new furniture, including a new bed (queen size not king) only big enough for me!!!!

I will keep posting, especially during the "weak" moments!

Thanks again! Wish

November 13, 2006
5:32 pm
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Simondo3573
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Hey wish you really are doing the right thing. I started with my bedroom total redecoration. I think it would be a really good idea to be gone when he comes round. I've been reading several self help books I'm buying one more that has come up on this site called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by
Howard M. Halpern. It has to be an addiction and withdrawal from anything addictive is not easy but being addicted is not good. My situation is different from yours I have children living with me too though (not hers) and they are happier with out the constant dramas. But my wife is an alcoholic and there have been plenty of very messy times. here’s a few

Rent Arrears (spending the rent on drink with out telling me)
Bailiff visits
Addicted to Prozac
Drinking far too much
Spent all of daughters Savings on drink secretly
Car generally illegal - no insurance/tax
regularly drink and drive
Got us into £600 rent arrears again
crashed my car drunk
Had an affair
Got paralytic when looking after my son
eating problems
Stopped me from being with her daughter
Always had to hassle to get contribution towards the rent
Go to work with a bottle of vodka in hand bag
Erratic sleeping patterns Pro plus addict
another affair
Avoidance of counselling for depression
Finish my glass when wine runs out
broken promises
Could Never save anything
Moved out again
Paralytic when looking after children
another affair
Snide putdown remarks
confusion on arrangements
still drinking
car illegal again
Drunk in charge of children again
Abusive and hostile again
another affair

DIVORCE STARTED

Thats a brief version of events

So you see it looks crazy that we stayed but look how much nicer with out all this crap it will be. Just use this site if you weaken

November 13, 2006
5:39 pm
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wish2Bfree
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OMG!! You are so right about the chaos in your life! I don't know how we have stood it for so long.

I am only able to use this site at work for now. My computer at home wil be up and running on Saturday again.

Thanks for your support and I wish you all the best as well. I will check on you tomorrow!!

November 13, 2006
5:46 pm
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Simondo3573
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Good luck with it all. Thoughts are with you

November 13, 2006
5:54 pm
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Simondo3573
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Good luck with it all. Thoughts are with you

November 14, 2006
8:47 am
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StronginHim77
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Simondo, Cyndra, Need, Wish2B, Lettingo, Forgottenone and Unique...

I have started a new "No Contact" thread, so that all of you could have the benefit of reading about the role of NC in your recovery from an excellent article on Sam's Site. Plus,this thread is taking a long time to load. Go to "No Contact - Revisited [Ma Strong]" to read this article and post your comments.

Love you all,

Ma Strong

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