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NO CONTACT CLUB -- Revelations
August 4, 2006
1:08 pm
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StronginHim77
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truth...

That was actually a pretty funny visual, the way you described me with those "scary books." Hilarious, actually. I am still chuckling. But I think you are right. Somehow, I need to get my courage up to get back out into the world a bit (kinda like sticking your big toe into the shoreline waves, after a serious, near-drowining trauma?) Gotta get that toe stuck out a little. I am getting TOO isolated, I think. So, thanks for your remark. Maybe I will force myself to wash my face and put on nice clothes and go SOMEWHERE tonite, even if it's just the friendly, neighborhood pizza-pub. I am gonna think about that...

Taj...

I do have a number of odd items which he left at my house: a crockpot, some sort of George Forman grill? a few other DVD's and a funny apron to wear when grilling. I could stuff all of them into a box and send it all in one batch. The last time we spoke on the phone, over 46 days ago, I asked "What about the rest of your things here?" and he replied that he didn't care. But, at that time, all he wanted back was the diamond he had put in the center of my (already-owned) diamond anniversary band. I refused to return it for many reasons, not least of which was that it had never occurred to me to ask HIM to return the many jewelry gifts I had given to HIM. They were gifts and I would never want them back. That is how I feel about such things.

These other items, however, are "general" stuff which he had brought over to my house over a period of time. He brought the sillee crock pot and the grill thing because he wanted me to cook more for him. I HATE cooking and just politely shoved them into a cabinet. Squashed his little campaign to turn me into Martha Stewart. (Having raised my family, my "Martha" days are OVER!!)

So, your suggestion is a good one. Box up all the sillee stuff and send it, together with the DVD which I know has great sentimental value for him.

Thanks.

- Strong

August 4, 2006
1:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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taj -

P.S. He can't contact me to "thank" me because I have him blocked from my home phone AND email. Have continued to do that, as added protection of my No Contact position.

August 4, 2006
1:33 pm
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Borboleta~ Hey I don’t think we’ve met. Hi I’m lovinglife. I do remember seeing/reading your post a few days back but with me off in la’la ‘somewhere’ I missed saying ‘hi’- so hi…and congrats on Day 24 (Jerk1) and Day 5 (ex-n?). I will have to go back and re-read your postings before I go on vacation : )

Taj- Welcome BACK! I read your post on the other thread- and while the NCC needs to move on- just want to say that you have a lot of valid points and believe those points have been heard. AND did you too send an email mid-stream of NC?!! If you did- then you and I are in the same boat. OH how I wished that I would have never, ever did that- I’m emotionally paying for it now, but I’m moving on and its all good. And I’m not sure where you story has been posted- did I miss it on the last thread??

Hope~ Is the feeling still of ‘missing’ him or just thinking about him? I know for me there was a period of time I felt that I missed him- then it went to ‘thoughts’ about him-today its just wishing that I could erase him completely from my mind. We need to remember that these people were apart of our lives- and the process of letting them will go through its stages. BUT the MOST important thing is knowing that we can never go back regardless of where our thoughts are at, if we want to be healthy-if we want better things for ourselves.

1Lost1~ I’m envious- DAY 27!!! You made it through those icky-icky days-I’m so proud of you. NOW- there be a little more adjusted stuff going on- but just follow Strongs lead- my bottom fell out on day 24. CONGRATS!!!

Free~ I am doing GOOD with NC. I have not made ‘contact’ since I sent the email. HOWEVER- since sending that email (and until like 12 hrs ago) I have played the game of checking my email , logging on/off, as wel as logging ON and staying ON- basically waving myself to him…. “LOOK ex-n…here-here- do you see me?..” So as far as obsessing- I opened the door to that- and far as taking anything further-I’m maintaining control.

Oh and TruthBlisters funny comment… you would have had to have read the whole post as well as what Hope and I said after- trying to find the humor in our pain but this was Truthblisters comment…. “I hope he dies a horrible death, botoxed and plucked and dyed into a million soon-to-be-unhip colours.” It was funny.

And my friend FF- HOW ARE YOU DOING??!! : )

Strong~ My opinion- I WOULD’T send it to him. I think any type of contact even as small and as harmless as it seems- could just open the door to something you truly don’t want. Even though his daughter may not understand why she is receiving it- that shouldn’t matter because this is about you and your recovery and moving on. I just think that if you send it to him it will almost be like losing some of your strength. Perhaps if it was a year down the road when you are still not battling a bad day or two- I can see no harm being done. You do want YOU think is best for Strong.

LL

August 4, 2006
1:43 pm
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StronginHim77
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OK...have thought it over. Have decided NOT to do anything, until I have a "peace" on it. I will pray. Wait. There is no hurry. I will go where the peace leads me.

Thanks, everyone.

August 4, 2006
1:50 pm
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lovinglife
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GREAT IDEA Strong- and really some words of widom..."Don't do anything until you have a peace on it..." Could have used those words myself not too long ago... Good idea.

August 4, 2006
2:12 pm
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truthblister
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Strong,

I am in a similar position, except with a cat that I bought when we first decided to get engaged. We selected it together, but XF always described it as "his" cat.

Weirdly, in less than half an hour after XF decided that he had to leave, I was totally obsessed with the idea that he and his bong buddy were going to go steal the cat from the house!

I was so afraid of this happening that I actually moved out of home and went to stay with my Dad, and refused to leave for about a week and a half unless somebody else was there.

Obviously, I was totally bonkers over the thought of having this cat stolen. In fact my fears somewhat came true when XF came bashing on the door for her days later, demanding "his cat". Thankfully he's not very persistent, because it only took about 6 minutes for him to give up and drive away again.

If this was the whole of the story, I'd feel fine about it.

But...

For reasons I don't actually remember, I did at one stage say that regardless of whether we got back together, that the cat could go live with him.

And then, after he contacted me last week, I found myself AGAIN making this offer, even though it would cost me 150 bucks to fly her down there!

I feel very weird about this because it's only after contact with him that I get the overwhelming urge to give him what he wants... and then after another day or so I look at the cat and think about how much I'd miss her and don't want her exposed to drug smoke all the time.

My good friend who I speak to on the phone regularly says I should just get rid of the cat because it's a potential for further contact and grief.

Fine, if it was a cardboard cut-out rather than a living animal, that might be more plausible.

The real dilemma for me is that I've made this statement twice now that XF could have her, and I am stuck with feeling like a dishonest jerk if I don't follow through.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation before? What was the outcome? I value my sense of integrity, but I also realise that I might have been talking out of my ass due to stress.

All thoughts welcome...

August 4, 2006
3:00 pm
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forgottenone
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i am on day 13 - its not hard for me because if i contact him he will only break my heart again and i gave back the ring so we're over.

i was in a good mood today, really feeling great until my friend that was supposed to go away for the weekend with me flaked out on me again, i'm really annoyed since now that i'm single i could end up sitting at home on a friday and saturday night which is really depressing, and all i might do is sit
at home and be depressed as hell thinking about the ex-fiance

has anyone even gone to a club by themselves? i just might do that. i just want to be surrounded by people.

August 4, 2006
3:06 pm
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lovinglife
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First TruthBlister~ I just love your posts- you somehow manage to get always get a little humor in there.

I don't know- heck if 'kitty' was a child- would you feel that 'kitty' would be best with XF? Or you? What’s best for 'kitty' here?

And then what is your true reason for not letting 'kitty' go? Is it because you want to hurt XF? Or because you feel a strong attachment to 'kitty'? Or because it will keep you in someway connected to XF? I had a friend that when his relationship dissolved- his partner didn't want the dog that the two of them got together-there was no fighting. Though my friend loved that dog to no end- the dog did remain to be a cause of some pain for him- a reminder of his lost love. It wasn't until the dog 'passed' about a yr later that my friend was then able to truly let go and move on.

And what is XF's true reason for wanting 'kitty'? Because he loves her? Was he good to 'kitty'?

And as far as being a person of their word- you have to decide if you will be able to handle what you might feel if you don't live up to what you said you'd do. I'm the same way- if I say I will do something and I don't- it will eat away at me. And YES, we sometimes do things or say things when we're under stress that we normally wouldn't do (referring to agreeing to send 'kitty'.)

Guess its just sorting it all out- don't know if I helped any- but you ask for 'any thoughts'!!

LL

August 4, 2006
3:13 pm
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lovinglife
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Forgottenone~ Yeah for you- Day 13!

I have gone out to dinner by myself before...As well as have gone to movies by myself...AND I have taken mini vacations too by myself!! If you feel comfortable going to a club by yourself then go for it. The only thing FOR ME doing something like that is being more concerned about my safety in that type of environment... And of course who would be driving me home after I had a few!!

August 4, 2006
3:23 pm
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forgottenone
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i'm just sad being faced with loneliness that i'm getting teary - not good because i was at work -
why couldn't things work out for me?
people get engaged every day and their engagements aren't broken and they didn't get involved with abusive, mentally ill people. i have a lot of friends by my side now but i just feel so overcome with loneliness i can't stand it.

August 4, 2006
3:24 pm
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truthblister
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forgottenone... clubs are a pretty good place to by by yourself, especially if they are playing music that you like. Just get lost in it and have a good time.

LL... funny you should say all that, the cat's name is actually kitty. XF's suggestion that we name her in honour of a dead Russian royal got quashed after none of us could pronounce that name properly.

My true reason for not wanting to let her go is that I'm afraid it will be a mistake to do so. I'm attached to her little personality, and don't want to think about her being abused.

We were both good to her in our own ways. I always made sure she had food without additives or MSG (keeps the weight off, fat pets make me sad), with the right oils and got rid of the bell collars because they can be bad for their mental health (and don't really save birds, according to research I found).

XF on the other hand was always much better at buying her toys, clipping her nails, and giving her lots of attention.

HOWEVER, he also thought nothing of a) making her dance (euphemism for shaking her back and forth to music for his own amusement), b) blowing pot smoke in her face (I *hate* this, if you can't tell... but stoners seem to do it all the time, previously he and his buddy would do it to my canary when I wasn't around), and c) playing stupid tricks with her like putting sticky tape on her feet and watching her walk funny.

I get impatient with her when she cries and scratches things up, and keeps me from sleeping, and actually I'm kind of allergic, but mostly I just love her. My motivation isn't to hurt him, it's mainly to prevent him from hurting her! If it wasn't for the expense of transport and fear of further abuse and worry, she'd probably be there already.

So I guess I'm answering my own question. Ideally I'd like for him to be a suitable and responsible guardian, so I could be free and clear and know she was being looked after. But when it comes down to it, my concern for her welfare trumps my desire to be 100% living up to my word, and my desire for guaranteed sleep.

I think I'll just have to swallow my medicine on this one, and emotional promises be damned.

August 4, 2006
3:40 pm
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lovinglife
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Truth~ I'm sorry, but dern are you funny- perhaps this wasn't meant to be-but I got a good laugh..."got rid of the bell collars because they can be bad for their mental health."

My opinion, guardianship of Kitty sounds like what is best for her is to be with you. BUT-you say you have allergies- how much does Kitty cause problems for you in that department? If it’s something you can handle- then save Kitty!

August 4, 2006
3:40 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hi Truth, H-gal here.

The thing I miss the most about my ex-N? His kitters. She is a beautiful cat with HUGE personality.

Personally, I think you're better off with Kitty and the ex be damned. All bets are off. If there is even a hint that she is a toy to him, screw him and the horse he rode in on.

Is it coming through loud and clear that I'm an animal lover? Don't know any bi-polar/narc animals, although I'm sure they exist!

H.

August 4, 2006
4:07 pm
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forgottenone
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yay1 i am going out with my other girlfriends tonight! wish me luck.
i haven't really been single since 1999.

i had a 5 year relationship and then i ended that and then 3 weeks later i met Psycho - I mean my ex-fiance, sorry.

August 4, 2006
4:30 pm
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truthblister
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LL, it's *very* mild. And since she doesn't sleep in the bedroom any more, I only have to watch out for scratches.

Oops, chit chat alert...

Have a great time forgottenone!! Single and min-gle!

August 4, 2006
4:42 pm
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Hello,

A new No Contact Thread. Great, and I am going on Day # 25 of No Contact.

Strong,

I didn't get on the site yesterday, so I am glad you decided to wait to send back that DVD. The question that popped in my mind is: If this is so important to him, why wouldn't he make some kind of effort to get it back? Even if he is blocked, there would be a way he could think up to make the effort. Its a small item and could just stay where it is. That's my thinking on this. And, good for you taking some time for yourself, not running out to do any replacing and doing some reading. I am on another trip to see my mother for several days and I will have time to myself to do much of the same, as she has limited energy to be very active.

I am even thinking of starting Pia Mellody's Facing Codependency Workbook. It just arrived in the mail last week. I like workbooks and writing about things in a new way. This is 400 plus pages of quality things to consider and ways towards real healing. I am looking forward to this process. I have gone through the initial stages, processed a lot of pain and I think I am ready. I didn't bring it on my quick trip to see my mother, but I have reading to do from her book before I start and I know what the first exercise is.

August 4, 2006
5:05 pm
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StronginHim77
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Thanks, Grace. I hope all is well with your mother and that you have a restful break, while visiting her.

I think I should take Trustblister's advise (scroll WAY back up) and get out of the house tonite. I have been cooped up here, night after night, for nearly a week. Forgotten is heading out tonite. I should do the same. I don't have any friends to be with...so I am a bit reticent about being alone...but I guess I should bite the bullet. Will try dropping by the neighborhood pizzeria/bar and have a drink, then head home.

(Gulping hard)

Later!

August 4, 2006
5:25 pm
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truthblister
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Strong, I find even going on the bus helps. I can sit there and listen to people talking or maybe chat briefly to someone who sits next to me. I bet you'll have a good time 🙂 Best of luck!

August 4, 2006
6:10 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hi Ma Strong!

Get out there....it always helps. I go out at night on my own and that's how I meet most interesting people. I met my ex and ex-ex that way. I find that men are reluctant to approach me if I'm shielded by a friend (s). Women like it better, esp. if they are with their guys, if I'm not alone, but men dig it.

Even if nothing comes of it, you gotta get out before you have to dust off your social skills. Steel yourself and don't bring high expectations with you. Just have a beverage and enjoy your place in the human race. Beside, Strong, it's FRIDAY!!

Hey, SD and Soul and I are going to have cyber Mai Tai's on the Darn Dating thread next week, as SD will be in my neck of the woods. You're welcome to join the party!

Forgotten, I'm so glad to hear you've made plans with your girls! Have fun and report back. As I said to Strong, try not to "shop", just look around and have fun!

H-Gal

August 4, 2006
7:13 pm
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Honolulugal
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Strong? Are ya still there or are you munching pizza and having a drink at your pub?

August 4, 2006
7:23 pm
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Can anyone respond to my last post on the last No Contact thread? Thanks! P&L

August 4, 2006
7:32 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hi P & L,

On this thread? I don't see it, but I only look at 1 day at a time.

If you'll copy it in and bump it, I'll be happy to reply.

H.

August 4, 2006
7:34 pm
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Anonymous
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no the old one. H gal.

Thanks! P&L

August 4, 2006
7:37 pm
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HERE...I CUT AND PASTED FROM BEFORE. THANKS!

P&L
4-Aug-06

Okay, the other day I wrote about my out of town hunny, and that I felt bad about possibly dumping him and him not calling, as usual, and him having a sick mom. So you all said since we are great friends, go ahead and call. He is not abusive or anything. So, I called, his home, work and cell. I got a message on his work nbr that he is gone until next week. Well, I had no idea he was gonna be gone. So, I left a message saying I was concerned and to please call if he gets any of my messages. I have no idea where he is. For all I know, he may be with his mom, vacationing with some chick, in jail, on some secret mission for work, or who knows what. He didn't even answer his cell or blackberry. It is very strange he has not called to tell me. What do you all think? Please reply. Thanks! P&L

lovinglife
4-Aug-06

P&L~ hmmmmm. Hard to say- but I'm still leaning towards his mother being sick and him by her side. He wouldn't take off on vacation during a time his mother is ill. Jail- doubtful unless he has risky behaviors- drinking while, drug dealer, has a stack of speeding tickets. etc.

I guess try to put yourself in his shoes- was he hurt when you called it off? Thinking if I remember right, he was a little. If that be the case- now throw in your mother being sick- terminally ill. What would you do?

WAIT!! How long has it been since you left a message? Not any longer than 24 hrs right? Give it a little more time :). But please fill us in on how it ends!

I can tell ya for sure that there hasn't been a man in here trying to initate or maintain no contact with a woman!!

P&L
4-Aug-06

Okay, thanks Lovinglife- I have a hard time with patience! I guess this tells me I like him too much and should try to cut him some slack and not blame him for what other men have done to me. I hope he gives me another chance. Yeah, I just left him the message tonight, but I have tried to email him for days...but I know for sure he has not been at work or online. Still, he has a blackberry, so I know he gets his work email on his phone. Maybe it is just not meant to be. If it were my mom, I would slip out and let him know. P&L

August 4, 2006
8:35 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hiya, P & L,

I totally agree with Lovinglife, but that's no surprise - I usually do.

Patience is a virtue and one I don't possess. Still, try your best to wait to hear.

Are you guys just friends? Sounds like you are "hunnies"! It's easy to think that we'd do this or that in the same sitch, but the fact is, we don't know how we'd act. He appears to be with his mom. I would def. try to give the benefit of the doubt, for at least another day or two. Can you do that?

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