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NO CONTACT CLUB Resurrected - new thread
April 10, 2006
12:04 am
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1lost1
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Little quitting should never be the answer. You should stay here. I have not always felt worthy to be on this thread but I keep coming and it gets better for me.

Small steps, day by day!

tf...I like the inspiration you give me. I have felt stronger these last two days. Some of it is due to you and your kindness.

Thank you,

1L1

April 10, 2006
12:24 am
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Zinnie
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A very long time ago, I posted some "hints" about making no contact easier. If ya'll would like, I will am more than happy to go back and see if I can find the post and re-post it here for you.

Let me know.

Z.

April 10, 2006
5:48 am
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Zinnie....i would LOVE to see that old post. Im only on Day 3, and while I dont feel the need to try contact yet, the missing him is sort of getting to me, and I HATE that. i couldnt sleep last night because I kept thinking the phone was going to ring. I dont think I would have answered it, but I still WANTED it to ring, just so I knew somehow he was thinking about me. Crazy...right?

God...why in the HELL do I miss a man who has cheated on me, lied to me, emotionally destroyed me, blamed me for every wrong in his life, and tried to convince me I should feel fortunate to have the little scraps of his time he would dish out to me???

ANY helpful suggestions would be MUCH appreciated!!

Hugs to you all........Snow

April 10, 2006
5:51 am
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revelation
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Zinnie...please do! I'm at the 2 month mark and for the most part I'm getting happy and content...but sometimes I had "weak" moments!!!

Hey all! Looking forward to easter...one thing I'll say about this no contact...my self-esteem has NEVER been higher than it is now...this is a completely new feeling for me, I never had good self-esteem, but this total no-contact is making me really take a look at myself and appreciate who I am!!!
This is a really GREAT feeling.

It also makes me so, just honestly really how little my ex has going for him...I feel sorry for him, but not sorry enough to go back there!

April 10, 2006
7:01 am
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stardust wishes
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oh snowlover

keep it up!! you're doing so well, and you're doing it for you, that's huge!! when we give so much of our love, time and attention trying to get these relationships with the Ns in our lives to make some sense, we forget about our own needs. with the 'no-contact' thing we get the precious time we spent on them back to ourselves. i'm on day 18 and i have definately had wobbles but when they pass (as they do) i'm so relieved i haven't contacted him. keeping busy and doing work on myself physically, emotionally and spiritually is my way of dealing with this painful journey. honour yourself honey.

April 10, 2006
7:59 am
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revelation
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Snow...my advice is just to feel it...course you miss him YOU loved him!! Or at least you loved the person he "appeared" to be! It occurs to me that I'm always very negative about my ex, so people would probably wonder now what I ever saw him...but believe me snow when we first met, he was everything I ever wanted...or at least, he made me think he was everything I ever wanted!!! He carefully kept up the appearance of being the man I wanted...just long enough to get me hooked! So, of course I missed him...and you miss your ex too...but this goes away, when you fully realise that it was all an act...once you know in your heart that everything about him was not what it seemed at all...it kind of turns the missing him thing on its head...then you get very hurt and angry...and then, with continued no contact...you start to wonder what it was you saw in him. The missing him won't last forever Snow...I promise!

April 10, 2006
8:34 am
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I hope so everyone....i really do. Its been 20 years of expecting this to work out, and trying to tell my brain to obsess over something else isnt working too well right now!!

We still have this vegas trip hanging over our heads, and I havent even begun to process how Im going to handle that. Hes bound and determined hes going, and well, I paid for it damnit, Ive wanted to go there my whole life, I just dont know what to do. I did call the hotel and change the room from 1 king size bed to 2 queen beds, but pleaseeeeee..Im still going to be WITH him for 8 days!!!!! Just because I said no once and walked out last week, how do I know I can do it for all those days straight?? We leave may 20th, and Im starting to panic a little.

How do you do "no contact" when youre in vegas on vacation for an entire week????

Snow

April 10, 2006
8:49 am
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revelation
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Snow...about vegas...I really don't think you should go with him. You payed for it yeh? So why are you even letting him go? I don't understand!

April 10, 2006
8:53 am
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O.K. - actually there was a series of posts: 1. To help you get over someone, 2. The "no buts" list, and 3. Keys (well mine anyway) to a happy marriage/relationship:

Here it is, I hope this will help you.

So, you are all sitting around obsessing about him?
Why? What good is that doing? It is earning you money? Compounding interest in your bank account? Helping you meet new and interesting people? Helping you lose that extra weight or toning up?
What exactly is the result of sitting there obsessing over these guys?
It leaves you feeling: stupid, inferior, unloved, depressed. These men that are so wonderful - this is what they make you feel like?
Life is short, really really short. All of this time that you are sitting there obsessing about them, hoping and praying and planning, scheming, and conniving to get them back - is wasted time.

At the end of our lives, we CANNOT get that time back. We do not get a "do-over" - the time is gone. For what? What exactly did you get out of wasting that time? Nothing. Well you got some things... headaches, heartaches, ulcers, sleepless nights.
Have you ever wondered WHY they are not feeling as bad as you? Could it be because - they did just that? They moved on. Yes, I know that hurts like hell to think about - and in the long run believe it or not, it's not healthy for them because they just leap from one relationship to the next. So, while I encourage you to move on, don't just leap into bed with the next person that smiles your way. Give yourself some time to heal.
But in the meantime, when you catch yourself doing these things, make the EFFORT to do and think something different. Even if it's painting your toe-nails a silly shade of pink. Or talking to your dog. Or writing a letter to your friend from school that you lost touch with. Take a class on underwater basket weaving - just DO SOMETHING!

Because right now, you are wasting your life.

To me - the simple approach is always the best.
I guess the first thing you have to do is untangle your thinking from always being around him.
Here is something I suggested to others here, and they have had success with it - I know it worked for me many years ago.

Think of where you want your life to be in six months NOT including him. Do you want to be finished with ______ or ______, or reading or what?
Set a goal, a realistic one. Then, take a rubber band and put it around your wrist. Everytime you catch yourself thinking about him or how you have let your life pass you by... SNAP that rubber band - HARD! Then think about what your goal is... you are literally re-training your thinking. You will be amazed at how quickly it works.

You have to move on - for your own good.

Here is the "no buts" list

O.K. - here was my "no buts list" When I first came up with it, I told my friend that I wanted a man with no buts. She said "well, how will he sit?" I said NOT that kind of butt!
I love him BUT he drinks too much.
I love him BUT he smokes too much.
I love him BUT he does drugs.
I love him BUT he has a gambling problem.
I love him BUT he hates my dog.
I love him BUT my dog hates him. (probably always the truest test anyway)
I love him BUT he hates my family.
I love him BUT my family hates him.
I love him BUT he hits me.
I love him BUT he is married.
I love him BUT he is controlling.
I love him BUT he cannot commit.
I love him BUT he always breaks his promises.
I love him BUT he lies.
I love him BUT he only wants sex.

Finally, here are the tips for a happy marriage/relationship:

1. Have respect for the other person. Treat them the way you want to be treated. No matter how small something is that I do for my husband, he thanks me. He always says please, I do the same. It's so simple to do these things and though it sounds trivial, think about how much better you feel when some one says "yes, please" instead of "yeah" with their mouth full.

2. Maintain independent interests, hobbies and friendships. Having space in a relationship is healthy AND gives you more to talk about during your times together.

3. Realize that you have to accept the person for who and what they are, do not enter into a relationship with the idea that they will eventually change around to your way of thinking or doing things.

4. No name calling.

5. Listen to your partner whether it's just about their day, their dreams, their fears. Spend 15 minutes a day with the phone turned off, the TV turned off and talk - really talk about what happened that day.

6. Do not let others, even family interfere with your marriage. Marriage is between two people, not you and them and the entire family.

7. Have fun with each other. I mean all out fun where you laugh so hard with the other person you almost cannot make it to the bathroom.

8. Be with someone who can hold their own intellectually with you.

9. If you find your time is limited or you are working different days and hours - this happens with my husband and I often, leave each other notes.

10. Make sure that person is your friend too. How many times have you heard "I love them, but I don't like them"? Make sure you actually like the person.

11. Don't be jealous of your spouses time. If she says she has to work, grocery store, and then wants to go spend time and have coffee or lunch with her friends, don't pout about it... spend time with them tomorrow. (Believe it or not as I was typing this, my husband told me to add this one... he says his friends are always commenting that they cannot believe that neither of us have problems with the fact that we are both free to do things with other people)

12. If you realize you are working a lot, or have too many things on your plate, get together and plan a day to literally do nothing but "hang out" - we have days where we plan to sleep in, eat a leisurely brunch, take in a movie, come home, take a nap and just enjoy each other.

13. Encourage anticipation - my husband told me when I call him in the middle of the day he gets "butterflies" in his stomach. When he hears me pull into the drive way... his heart still jumps a beat. We have been married for 15 years next year. I still feel the same way about him.

14. Realize what a wonderful gift you have been given. When my husband was in the hospital with this last bout of kidney stones, he got up and was walking, trying to pass the stones. Now, keep in mind, this is happening on his birthday (for the 2nd year in a row), so we are walking along and he says “you know sometimes, I feel like if I didn’t have bad luck, I would have no luck.” To which I replied “aha! so, I’m your bad luck choice in a wife!” - meaning because of all of my health problems. My husband, stopped, flat out stopped in the middle of the hospital - and says “you are my gift from God, you were my destiny, I would never ever think of you as anything else but the gift you are because I love you with my entire heart.” I asked him later “was it the morphine or the pain?” He said “neither, it was the truth.” What more could I ask for? But think about it... how do you think about YOUR spouse?

15. Don't settle.

Good luck!

Love to all,

Z.

April 10, 2006
9:44 am
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revelation
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Thanks Zinnie!!

April 10, 2006
10:06 am
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revelation
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The relationship advice...perfect!!!

And the other bit...I wish I'd read it months ago!! Turns out in my case though, I've moved on faster than him...good riddance!

I think in my case, I stopped obsessing and let go when I stepped back enough to see and fully believe in my heart that everything about this person was a pretence!

April 10, 2006
12:21 pm
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Well, i was doing good. Two days of no contact. I even made my gf take the phone away from me so I wouldn't call. Sunday night I got a text message from him saying her left something at my house and he was sorry for the text. I gave in and called him. Very dissapointed in myself. We talked and I told him I am the way that I am. I can't change who I am to be with him. Its not fair to either one of us. I told him that I love him deeply but I am tired of playing games. I said you Ilove you but you need to decide what you want. He loved me which he hasn't said in about 6 months. I don't know what to feel or say right now. Big sigh.....

April 10, 2006
1:23 pm
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Hi everyone . ..

I guess we all go up and down. I had the phone in my hand several times today to call my "ex." I can't get over feeling as if I didn't make my bottom line clear (or didn't even have one, is more accurate) and so I owe him a response. I keep thinking about him getting ready to go for a trip with his wife (and thinking of me while he's there, and supposedly planning to start a divorce).

Wow, it sure helps to write about this. Just like last week, when I read this in print, it looks ludicrous. I'm obsessing about a guy who's about to get on a plane with his wife? And he's telling me he wants to end the marriage with her? I wonder what he's telling her? I'll bet myself a cup of coffee it's not the same thing he's telling me!

This guy should have a whole chapter of Codependents Anonymous named after him!

And I used to think I was a smart, together person.

Everyone's posts today have helped, even the ones from a couple of you who have had "slips." I hope you all find a way to keep the focus on yourself today...

I am trying the rubber band trick but already my wrist hurts - LOL

April 10, 2006
9:43 pm
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A humorous note??

This thread is really active during the day when we're trying to keep "no contact" going but at night it's kind of dead . . . is this because we're all contacting our exes . . . LOL

Made it through Day 16!!

Love and hugs to all

April 10, 2006
11:34 pm
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Toward freedom,

Good for you for not calling. So he just wanted to say "Hi"? Why do they do this? Do you think he's manipulative?

My ex called me numeroous times and left messages such as "I'm just sitting here looking at our (vacation) pictures", and "I'm just thinking about you". Yeah, right...well, I don't care to be the foreplay to the night you will spend with your new teenaged GF, you pig. (I did change my phone number, and cut off his phone, which I was paying for.)

I think they're mean and manipulative, and want (and expect) us to come running. Well, I won't do it, how 'bout you?

Day 21 (I think)...it's good to lose count.

Hang in there everyone!

April 11, 2006
5:45 am
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toward_freedom...

Lol...funny post!! Im never here at night much either, and thats when it gets to me the most it seems. But..during the day is tough too. He and I always emailed each other at work all day, and I still keep looking for the little pop-up "you have new mail". Everytime I get it and its not him it pisses me off all over again. Its like...how DARE you not be missing me like crazy right now you jerk!!!!

I guess even in NC mode im still staying in my coda ways trying to control him and the situation by looking for contact or reaffirmation that hes suffering.

I also am now thinking the spyware I put on his laptop is going to make it even harder for me to let go. I dont regret doing it, as I NEEDED to know the truth, but now that i do, why do I keep checking every single day to see what hes doing?? Self inflicted torture is how it feels to me.

Hope everyone is feeling strong and empowered today. i draw my strength from all of your success!!

Hugs....Snow

April 11, 2006
9:11 am
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well, he came over last night. We haven't had a heart to heart in a very very long time. I finally got one last night.he said he knows he has issues and he is not sure what he wants with anything in his life. I told him it ok to be confused but its not fair to go back and forth all of the time. He is such a tough guy but he finally broke down last night. I told him Ilove him and I will try to be supportive.He actually got kinda teary eyed!

So I decided that I am not going to put any pressure on him. I am going to live my life and if he wants to be a part of it he can. This morning he was sending me im's and this is the jist...

HIM- i just have to much in my head right now. I really wish I could decide on certian things, but I am having a problem with it. I understand that I am taking a risk & I totally understand if you find someone........

HIM-yeah, i guess, i just ain't real sure of anything right now so it is hard to say one day or 10 days.i don't mean to say u r the problem, so please don't think i am putting this on u.I know I have issues

Him-yeah, i just think i am afraid of a total commitment it is hard after my last............. i seriously do think i need a break. i just want to not have any women worries LOL!

Him-hey, i understand if you decide not to wait. I don't expect you to put your life on hold cause of me & my stupid head.

Him-well, u do what you want, and like I said, i understand if you get tired of dealing with me!

So now I need to go back to the no contact thing. Its obvious he needs to work on him and hes not going to if I am always there as his crutch!

April 11, 2006
1:22 pm
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Snowlover . . .

He is suffering all by himself. He doesn't need your help!

Smiles,
toward_freedom

April 11, 2006
2:18 pm
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snowlover...

pardon my technical ignornance, but you downloaded spyware on his computer? how does this work?

could my ex have downloaded something like this on my computer and actually log into something to see what i've been doing?

if so, how do i find it and remove it?

thanks.

April 11, 2006
2:26 pm
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Hey Lotus -

I was just wondering how you were doing because I saw your "day 21" at the top of this post. I'm halfway through day 17 . . . hoping to make it to 21 and past! I've been on this site for just a few days now and your posts were the first ones that caught my eye. Thanks for all your inspiration and good luck - I hope there's no spyware on your computer!!

April 11, 2006
2:40 pm
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heya TF. So glad to hear from you.

I'm so glad you are on day 17! Yippee!

I'm at day 28 now (I think)...I dunno, I don't even really care anymore...day 1 or day 2 billion...all the same to me now...

Keep up the great work, TF. You'll see, the farther you get away from the situation, the more clearly you will see it for what it was...

Yeah, I hope there's no spyware on my computer too...it would be SO like him to do that...

🙂

April 11, 2006
9:45 pm
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Zinnie. Thanks for sharing your thoughts again! Hope I can be a smart lady from now on like you are.!
TDM

April 11, 2006
10:41 pm
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Thanks Lotus!

Unfortunately I'm back to "day 1" tomorrow . . . I left him a voice mail tonight. I tried to make it clear that I hadn't answered his call because it was painful for me to speak to him while he's still with his wife, no matter what he says his intentions are for leaving. Afterwards I felt really bad because they're going on a trip together tomorrow and I felt like I was interfering with it . . . also my therapist is going to read me the riot act at my next visit!!!

At least it was just a one-minute voice mail. I felt really nervous for an hour or so, but now I think I can be much clearer about no contact.

Just like TDM says, maybe I can be a smart lady like a lot of the folks here!

April 11, 2006
10:47 pm
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Toward Freedom,

You therapist is going to read you the riot act? And she/he should!

Move on... to someone who is there for you 100%, not "leaving his wife" after this trip, which turns into the next one, and then the next one and then after the kids are grown, but then you know... after they sell the house, but he has to stay to fix it up. Then... he cannot just leave her like that, he wants to be sure she is set up in a new house; which turns out to be the dream retirement home he told you that the two of you would buy...

Right?

These guys (and gals too) know how to play it, they are manipulators and are good at it.

Go back to day one, and do not call and leave him any more messages. I mean why do you have to explain any of your actions to him? You are free - he is not.

Remember, part of the "no buts" list - "I love him BUT he is married" - which equates to he is unavailable!

Good luck,

Z.

April 11, 2006
11:06 pm
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Toward Freedom...

Just start over. It's OK. Please do not contact him anymore. This is about YOU now and YOUR sanity.

The longer you go without contact, the better off you will be...please trust me on this one.

It hurts like hell, I know as I'm still have very weak moments. I refuse to give in though. I push the thoughts out of my head or I think about all the really bad things and all the times I said, "I'm outta here" to myself when I was with him. That right there tells ME something...I didn't want him either.

Ya know something, TF, we have no idea how many more years, months, days, hours, minutes or seconds we have on this earth. Let's build our esteem up, move on with our lives and only bring things and people into our lives that enrich us and not leave us hanging on for dear life like we have no value or worth.

C'mon, whaddaya say? Wanna come with me and join the peaceful, content, drama-free life?

Love ya gal,
Lotus

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