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NO CONTACT CLUB Resurrected - new thread
April 7, 2006
8:12 am
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1lost1
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Here is another day. An opportunity to find peace and grow stronger. Best wishes to all of us....

1L1

April 7, 2006
8:20 am
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revelation
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Hello All,

Coming up to the two month mark soon...feeling stonger and better every day. Yes, even now, I still have my weak moments when I wonder what he's doing...but they are quickly dispelled...I know how he's doing, even if he's pretending to everyone else that he's dead happy...I know deep down inside how damaged and unhappy the guy is...each day I count my blessings that I am moving further and further away from this poison...and nearer and nearer to my true destiny...and a healthy relationship with someone REAL!

April 7, 2006
8:23 am
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I'm happy to hear that revelation.

Love,
Lotus

April 7, 2006
8:37 am
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revelation
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WEll thankyou LotusTampa,

How are you today?

April 7, 2006
9:16 am
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Hey everyone . . . I'm running off to a meeting right now but wanted to post . . . haven't even had a chance to catch up with everyone's postings of the last couple of days. Trying to keep too busy to be obsessed.

So last night I passed day 13 of no contact. This morning . . . GUESS WHAT! My ex left me a voice mail. This is after 2 weeks ago when I told him speaking to him was painful for me and he agreed that I should "just forget about him." HELP!! What do I do??? His voice mail said "I just wanted to say hello for a minute." Should I return the voice mail and repeat my request for no contact, or should I just ignore it? If I ignore it he might call again . . . but this seems like an excuse for sending him a voice mail. i don't want to go into the downward spiral of feeling bad about myself again . . .

April 7, 2006
9:18 am
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whidbey
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Toward Freedom,

Ignore it! He's only trying to draw you back in. No contact is exactly that, no contact. Stay strong. 🙂

April 7, 2006
10:48 am
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toward freedom,

I agree that you should ignore his message. That simple request to "say hello" is the beginning of the cycle... I'm sure you can predict with 100% accuracy the sequence of events that will follow.

You'll call him back and have a lovely conversation. He'll be charming, sweet and witty. You'll start to miss the man you loved once and believe that he has CHANGED. You start ignoring the bad things and focusing on what a new, improved wonderful man he is now... he sucks you back in. You feel great, strong, confident!!! Then, you start depending on him... EXPECTING him to follow through with promises and consistently be there for you. He won't be. Not only won't he BE THERE for you... he'll probably disappear completely, but not before pulling your heart out of your chest, stomping on it and leaving it in a heap in the middle of the road!!!

Dramatic? Yes. Am I projecting my own experiences here? Yes. Do I want to repeat this hurtful cycle one more time? No. Niether do you. Please don't respond.

That's the hardest time to maintain no contact... when they come around. THAT'S when we have to put our strength to the test because it's EASY to stay away from someone that stays away from us!!!! It's damn hard to stay away from someone that we love, when they APPEAR to be remorseful and we see the person we fell in love with again....

Rev said something that makes TOTAL sense to me and I realize that is EXACTLY how I feel about my ex. I don't LIKE him right now. I LOVED who he was when he was WITH ME. She said ** I realise now, it was because he was with me, who was teaching him about goodness and truth and being real that his good-looks started to come out...now he's alone and bitter and sneaky again...so the twisted ugliness is written all over his face YUCK!!!!! **

So TRUE!!! Rev, you are so insightful!!! I'm learning so much from you lately!!!

We all need to keep our eyes on the ugliness and not be sucked in by the mask that they put on to lure us back in. They know how to play on our sympathy and they know what we want to hear. We need to rip that mask off IMMEDIATELY!!!

Don't give him the chance to hurt you again toward freedom. Be strong!! You can do it.

I'm with you.

TC

April 7, 2006
1:59 pm
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Well I guess I finally get to be part of the no contact club! My Bf and I have been going back and forth. One minute he wants to be with me the next minute he doesn't.

He broke up with me on instant messenger on Monday! Then he continued to call me all week.

I have felt like a doormat lately. When I was at lunch today I called him and asked him if he wanted to do anything tonight he said he didn't know. Long story short I finally put my foot down and said what do you want from this relationship because this IS NOT fair to me! He said he didn't know, I asked him if he would miss me if I wasn't part of his life he said he didn't know.He said he has never been apart from me so he doesn't know if he would miss me! he said maybe in a week or two he would!

He said hes fine alone and he doesn't care if he's happy. I said well not caring about your happiness is pretty silly. I said I know what I want, I want to be with you. I also said if I dont make you happy then your not being fair to yourself. I told him he need to figure out what he wants and if he wants me to be apart of his life.

He said if we are apart and we miss each other then it was meant to be if not then it wasn't.

This is going to be really hard! How do I resist the urge to call him, email him? I was a good girl and signed off of Instant messenger when i got back to work after our converstaion.

What if he doesn't miss me if we spend time apart?

April 7, 2006
2:06 pm
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toward_freedom
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thanks Whidbey and TC. . . you're both so right. I got pulled into thinking I hadn't made my request for no contact very clear (I hadn't) or maybe he's finally leaving his wife (I'm sure he isn't). For the first few days of no contact I told myself that I was going to abstain from contact with him until he was free to be with me, at which time I would re-evaluate the relationship. I said I would welcome contact if and when he had left his wife.

Which he isn't going to do, obviously. He has been putting his poor wife through a LOT worse than he put me through . . . for months, now. If I respond, I'm just setting myself up for the same kind of victimization that she has been enduring.

Essentially what I had been telling myself is that taking a break from him would give him a chance to change.

After a week and a half of no contact, I realized that he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. And that I could change MYSELF by not settling for less than I deserve. I can't change him, but I can change ME.

So if I return his call, even to say hello, or even to "clarify" my request in a voice mail, guess what day I'm back at? Right: zero! I've been at zero before. It stinks.

1lost1, good for you! It must be awfully hard doing "no contact" and keeping your SELF clear when you HAVE to have contact because of the kids. Stay strong!

April 7, 2006
2:10 pm
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Feeling Lost,
I can totally relate to what you're going through. Imagine, though . . . if you "ex" him from your life . . . and get used to finding your own happiness inside without him . . . eventually opening the door for someone who will not treat you like a doormat! What do you need to be happy? Sounds corny, but . . . a hot bath? A plate of fresh mangoes? Can you spend tonight treating yourself the way you would want to be treated by someone who loves you? This is awful stuff to go through . . . the first few days are the worst. (At least I hope they are . . . grin . . . I'm on day 14 now and pretty shaky!)

April 7, 2006
2:44 pm
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this sucks! I am at work and I am doing everything i can to fight back the tears! :-'''(

April 7, 2006
4:54 pm
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toward_freedom
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Feeling Lost, sounds like you are having a really tough day. Stay with the No Contact Club and tomorrow will be better . . .

Whidbey and TC (and Lotus Tampa and Revelation) thanks for your helpful posts. I talked to a lot of people today about whether I should call my ex and have decided not to. Even if I didn't state a guideline very clearly, I did make it pretty clear to him that contact was painful for me right now. That should be enough. And if it isn't, he'll figure it out when he doesn't hear from me.

I need to keep the focus on myself . . . So, I'll be taking my 6-year-old out to dinner with my mom tonight . . . and then going out with some friends. So I guess I can say it's Day 14 with no contact. Never thought I'd get this far!

Be strong, everyone - have a good weekend . . . and thanks so much for being on this board. 🙂

toward_freedom

April 7, 2006
10:15 pm
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Hello All. My Sensational Sisters! What a beautiful, inspirational thread all of you have created. Feeling good I have found you so I don't need to go through this alone time 'alone'. Am in the process of ending my relationship of two and a half years. This Breakuptime when he sobers up and calls I'll be able to honestly say that I won't be able to see him since I am spending the night with some friends ... YOU. Members of The No Contact Club ... unite!

April 7, 2006
10:30 pm
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Does Codependency mean also relationship addiction? Because somehow it feels to me like a withdrawal that I am going through. When someone I have so deeply shared my life with is not here ... then why are my thoughts and feelings still there and on him and about him. I guess I find it hard to care about myself as strongly as I once cared about him. It kinda feels as if I see a drowning man in rough seas, and I am looking off the bow and watching him waving at the ship ... and doing nothing to help. Any suggestions?

April 8, 2006
10:20 am
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toward_freedom
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Hi Littlespirit . . .

If you're into reading about codependency, I've been reading Pia Mellody's books . . . Facing Codependency, and she also has one on love addiction. I've been *reading* about codependency for years but only really putting recovery into practice for a couple months . . . LOL. But yes, I think you are right.

As far as I understand it (and I hope to understand it better after a few more months of just not only "no contact" with the person I'm currently getting over, but also not letting another emotionally abusive dreamer get next to me) . . . codependents have a problem feeling self-esteem from within. This happens not only because of actual abuse or growing up in an alcoholic or druggie household, but can happen through a lot of small "less than nurturing" experiences we go through in our childhoods. An awful lot of people grew up in abusive homes or were affected by extreme poverty or extreme alcoholism and drug abuse, but others (like myself) grew up in seemingly normal middle-class homes and yet ended up without a core sense of self-worth.

So when we lack a sense of our own worth we turn to others for a sense of worth. Pia Mellody calls this "other-esteem." This is why so many of us struggle with what you so wisely call "relationship addiction." We are especially drawn to people who admire us or give us approval. Or we are drawn to people who will NOT treat us well so that we can meet the "challenge" of getting approval and love from someone who will not give it.

This is why we tend to connect so intensely in relationships. They become our identity and who we are, and without them, we feel lost.

I'm only speaking for myself here, because I can't speak for anyone else, but for me right now, recovery involves first detaching from the person I had been so absorbed with. And yes, it does feel like a withdrawal. And as I push away not only him but others I have allowed in my life who drain my energy, I find there is an empty circle around me. I have been so busy taking care of others that I have not found enough time for friendships with people who nurture me.

In this empty circle - which hurts an awful lot right now - I hope to find myself, and grow stronger.

I am also trying to keep busy doing healthy things - seeing healthy people - caring for myself.

I hope this helps even a little bit . . .

April 8, 2006
11:27 am
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Thanks for the enocuragement. I have almost made it through 24 hours. His mom called me this morning to say hi and tell em she loved me. I am assuming he didn't tell her yet....

April 8, 2006
12:34 pm
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FL,

Way to go!! Hope to see you posting "Day 2" tomorrow . . .

We're all pulling for you.

April 8, 2006
5:31 pm
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TF...I have been here a couple of months reading all the different threads and this is actually the first time I have anyone mention not having a "core sense of self worth."

I am from an upper middle class family that did things together but did not show love. Maybe that is why I never connect with anyone and feel so devastated when they leave. I have a "what did I do wrong" feeling.

Thank you for answering FL because you helped me. I will attempt to find the book.

1L1

April 8, 2006
5:38 pm
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Wow! Toward Freedom you are so right and your words ring true. Hmm "other esteem" is right on the money and I thank you for the reminder. Its so strange to me that most of my life is so rewarding yet .... Somehow this man brought out the best in me as almost a balance or an antedote to his illness of alcoholism. But when we were in sync, I can honestly say that I have never laughed so hard with another human being in my life. Actual uncontrollable screams of laughter with snorts and tears and looking at eachother when thinking we were finished and starting all over again. What a gift to share and I will always remember those times. And the dark times seem to hurt him more than me because of the extreems he goes to with alcohol. I cannot stand by and witness someone I care so much for destry himself and his life. For my own sanity I need to say "Good Bye"

April 9, 2006
11:49 am
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Well ... Day Three of No Contact and I have lots to do to be sure, yet it feels like a distraction and emptiness, and just going through the motions of life. I need to recover ...to recover my zest for life, my determination, and to recover from this relationship. The day time that I have freed up should/ could be filled with healthy projects yet its the night time when my resolve weakens. I am still unable to sleep more than a few hours and have great difficulty getting to sleep. Its very hard for me to focus on me. Tell me it gets easier with time.

April 9, 2006
12:32 pm
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toward_freedom
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Hi everyone,
Thanks for your posts of yesterday and this morning.

1lost1, I always thought I had a "core sense of self worth" because I am a strong, outgoing, confident appearing person. Thus I receive a steady supply of approval from many different sources - my customers, people I volunteer to help, my friends, etc. etc. and never had to LOOK at my own lack of self-esteem.

A few weeks ago I was praying to understand what this is and a couple of days later I was doing some repetitious task, not really thinking about it, and just got an overwhelming sense, for a few minutes, that my higher power loved me. I haven't felt this experience since then but I know it's there. More powerful than receiving love (or apparent love) from another human being.

But it's so important - the lack of self-worth is what has driven me into bad relationship after bad relationship. It makes things so much more intense.

And yes, when there are so many people who suffered so badly as children, it's hard for those of us who were always fed and clothed to realize that we have troubles too. With no apparent "reason" for not having strong self-esteem we don't have anything to "point to" and it's much easier for denial to take its daily toll.

Littlespirit, I know what you mean about your latest relationship having felt so intense and wonderful. Mine did too, that's why it's so, so hard to leave behind.

I do think it gets easier with time - at least, that's what I'm praying! Last night I passed Day 14 with no contact. I have a voice mail from my ex that seems kind of inocuous ("just wanted to say hi for a minute") and I've been struggling daily (even hourly) with whether to answer it. But this is better than the emotional crash I know I'd be going through all over again if I did speak to him.

Sometimes at night when I have a hard time sleeping I make lists of things I can do for myself the next day. Or I try to think about one thing I can do to make my life better, and promise myself I can do it.

Have you ever lost a loved one to death? I have. That gets easier over time. So this must too. (Of course, when you lose someone to death they're not leaving voice mails trying to pull you back into destructive relationships . . . grin).

I hope you get through today and this evening and are back tomorrow telling us you got through Day Four!

I definitely think it gets easier after a week . . . I've read that on these boards, and it seems to be true. It's halfway through Day Four for you, so you're halfway through the hardest part. Keep putting one foot in front of the other - do things you know are right and eventually your heart will be in it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself!

April 9, 2006
12:35 pm
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I am such a MESS! I feel like someone has ripped my heart out and is jumping up and down on it. I made my GF take my phone away from me last night so I wasn't tempted to call. I have been pretty strong but I finally broken down. I guess its setting in that it is really over and it hurts so damn bad. I woke up this morning and every ounce of my being wanted to call him and tell him I loved him...But I didn't, this is sooo sooo hard right now! Now I am just crying my eyes out and my cat is looking at me like I have four heads!

April 9, 2006
12:36 pm
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One more thought for all of us who felt our most intense connections with the people who hurt us the most...

Imagine we leave those people behind, work on ourselves, get to the point where we are so strong in ourselves that we don't need approval from others to survive.

Don't you think, then, that when we enter a relationship (much more carefully than the ones we're trying to recover from, perhaps) that we can find a healthy, fun intensity?

I do! At least I hope so!

But for now, I have to focus on me!

April 9, 2006
12:38 pm
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Hi Feeling Lost,

In the middle of your post there is one really, really good thing that you did. You made your friend take the phone so you wouldn't call. This shows a real will to recover.

Anyone ever get menstrual cramps? I do. The first day it isn't so bad. The second day, wow, I feel so awful I want to just crawl into a hole somewhere. The third day, it's a little better. By the fifth day or so, I have to remind myself to carry supplies with me because the cramps are gone.

You'll get over this too - as long as you stay strong and remember . . . no contact!

Don't feel ignored if I don't answer your post later - I'm not going to be in front of my screen much today. But I'll be thinking of ya!

April 9, 2006
5:34 pm
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Oh no! I answered the phone and it was him ... and I let him seduce me into inviting him over for supper. So now I feel I need to hide the booze but we will have a great night of make up. So I crumbled and gave in. Too weak this time. So I am off the thread and wishing everyone the best ... you will be here I hope when I need you all again. Bye

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