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NO CONTACT CLUB Resurrected - new thread
March 31, 2006
8:54 am
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LotusTampa
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Hi all.

I had to start a new thread because navigating around the other one was crazy. The lines spilled out and I had to scroll all over hell and back to read (and it was annoying! =)

Anyway, let's see now, I think I'm on 18 of no contact. When I REALLY lose count, then I know I'm completely over him! haha

One thing that is making me crazy is that I have dreams about him EVERY stinkin' night! It's really starting to piss me off.

Whidbey had some suggestions about lighting a candle and meditating before sleep...this past week I've been too tired for that so I just plop down and then I wake up realizing I dreamt about him.

Does anyone else have this happening?

Anyway, I am feeling much much better these days. It seems once I've stepped back from the situation I've been able to better assimilate the relationship and have realized it truly was a fraud.

That being said, however, I have been able to see where my co-dependency created WAY more drama than necessary (OUCH!). =)

I'm glad to know everyone is doing well with their self-imposed no contact law. It's terrific. I think once we hit the 60 day mark that is a real sign of be able to let go and move...there's something magical about 60 days.

Keep up the great work, everyone. I hope your healing is coming along at a pace that is healthy and positive.

Love,
Lotus

March 31, 2006
9:00 am
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revelation
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Hi Lotus...yes, I've had some wierd dreams. I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day. I am learning all the time. I think one great recovery trick is to just focus on yourself and picture yourself in three months time, picture where you want to be and how you want to look and just go for it. Its difficult I know for codependence to think about there lives without the ex...but I'm thinking about it in a positive way...the more I do that, the more I realise (1) I was unhappy with him and am better without him (2) the right person is out there looking for me!!!

March 31, 2006
9:07 am
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startingover
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Hi Lotus and Revelation

Bad dreams must be the norm - I have them, too, and I don't tend to dream often. They're "lonely dreams", the last one I was in jail,(??) and I called him, and he wouldn't come. My only phone call wasted. Truth is, I would rot in jail before I called him.

Is 60 days the recommended goal of the no contact club? I'm at 8 days. I feel better already, I think this was the key.

May we all grow stronger!

SO

March 31, 2006
9:23 am
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revelation
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Even my sister who I live with is having bad dreams about him!!

Last week she dreamt that there was a family get together, and I called my other sister and said I had a surprise..then a while later I arrived at the party with him and announced we were getting back together...my sister was distraught and was really angry because everyone else in the family were delighted!!! Then me him and her were in the car on the way home and she had a fight with him...I took his side and then we all got out of the car and me and him beat her up...wonder why she dreamt that...is it anxiety on her part????

I had a dream that I was in jail too!!!! Mostly my dreams are to do with him telling lies about me to people and them believing it....

I'm at one month no contact...but we've been broken up since september...I feel great...there has been a lot of realisations and those hurt a lot...he's also tried to pull me back in a few times and then pushed me away...you just get to a point where you are sick of it all...thats when you know you are better off without them. I sometimes go through those "its all my fault and he's really a good person" days...I doubt myself...but deep down..I'm very aware that he is just unstable.

March 31, 2006
9:23 am
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whidbey
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Just one small caveat, Lotus, be sure to blow that candle out before you go to sleep! lol Seriously, it's mostly about a ritual of some sort that will help your mind to be able to direct itself during the dreams. It doesn't have to be a candle, it can be prayer, meditation, or whatever. Also, telling yourself that if the dreams come, YOU will be in control of them and can actually direct them while you are having them. This isn't a hoodoo kind of thing. It was recommended by a sleep specialist to people who have nightmares and sleep terrors. It's all about letting YOUR mind take control of what is happening.

For instance, in the dream, when you encounter your ex, instead of letting whatever is going on HAPPEN to you, you can actually direct what is happening. Tell yourself before you go to sleep that you will walk away from it and then try to do so in the dream. Simply say, this is not good for me, I'm leaving, or whatever. It takes a little practice, but apparently it can work.

I'm at two and a half months of no contact now, and with the exception of a little emotional setback last week, I get better and stronger every day.

SO, it's not about a time limit of 60 days or whatever. If it was an unhealthy relationship, you need to let it go completely and stay no contact. Some people are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. If it is for the first two, you just have to let it go, take the lessons you've learned from the experience, and apply them to the rest of your life. Since this was, in all likelihood, an unhealthy relationship you were in, then there's no reason to think you need to stay in contact in any way, especially right now. It's all about realizing it is over, once and for all, and letting it go. Be good to yourself and live in the here and now, and look positive toward the future now. Life is passing you by as you keep focused on the past. Make the most of your life NOW and focus on what is going on around you. Staying stuck in the past is no way to live. Hugs for all, and stay strong! 🙂

March 31, 2006
9:44 am
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LotusTampa
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Hey revelation. Oh, I have good and bad days as well. I am definitely focusing on myself and really making a conscious effort to catch my thoughts and direct them to something more positive and productive.

startingover,

That dream sounds like you feel abandoned. Mine are always like that too...they revolve around some situation where I am rejected (he avoids me, is with another woman, etc.), so I definitely understand your dream pattern.

Yes, 60 days is the recommended no contact time. Two months isn't really that long of a time, but it puts enough distance to be able to see more clearly and allows us time to create different memories...the memories will start to fade.

We are definitely growing stronger each day.

Lotus

March 31, 2006
9:48 am
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LotusTampa
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Good point, whidbey, about the no contact time frame.

What I meant was that the 60 days puts enough distance and allows you to detox (get him out of your system, so to speak).

The goal is to move on forever, though.

=)

March 31, 2006
12:09 pm
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needhim
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I broke my no contact. I don't know why, I guess the unanswered questions just got the best of me. I know I need to concentrate on myself. There is so much to concentrate on. I just keep wondering what he is doing, how he is doing... I feel like a failure. I was doing so good. I had 7 days under my belt and then he called me at work. "hey girl" he said. It blew me over. Now I have called him a couple of times. I need a intervention. He is the drug and I need to stop. 60 days huh? What do you do when they call you?

March 31, 2006
12:14 pm
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LotusTampa
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needhim:

you don't answer the phone when he calls, period!

no contact means NO CONTACT is any way shape or form...no phone calls, no e-mails, no texting, no instant messaging.

we have all slipped and it's OK. aren't you feeling pain right now? the key to no contact is to AVOID pain and pick up our lives and move toward healthier relationships.

if you get burned when you touch a hot stove, are you going to keep touching it?

please don't beat yourself up for having contact...it happens. be kind to yourself. just start over and keep in mind your goal--to be healthy and move on with your life.

stay strong and let us know if you need us!

love,
lotus

March 31, 2006
6:20 pm
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taj64
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This is new one so I will jump on. Lotus, you are so wonderful. Thought I would let you know.

March 31, 2006
9:17 pm
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LotusTampa
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Gosh, thank you so much taj. 🙂
*blushing*

March 31, 2006
10:22 pm
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caliseth
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lotus:
you are one of my inspirational thoughts each day. and all of the woman here, that have passed over 2 or 3 months no contact!!! lotus you are doing fine, maybe your dreams reveal that he is going out of your inner as well, i already had that, too, that was why i got those anxiety attacks.
but something that really has me more relaxed is that every night i have put on a cd of music, chakra music. ( i don't know if i can talk about this on the site, but anyways, can be what ever music you find relaxing) and close your eyes and just let yourself in a place where you feel secure, in touch with all the things that you love of this world. and think about you, only you, about how you are great and how you want your senses to be in harmony. it is really encouraging, i tell you. other way is to make an agenda, and write how you have doing, what have you done for your mind, for your body and for someone else. there you will see how is your internal growth....
THE LAST THOUGHT ON YOUR MIND BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP SHOULD BE ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU ARE, HOW YOU CAN ACOMPLISH ANYTHING, AND HOW TOMORROW, YOU WILL DO IT ONCE AGAIN.

(((((lt)))))

"if i believe i deserve better, than i can move positive events towards me...."

April 1, 2006
11:55 am
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taj64
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Another beatiful day with no contact.

April 1, 2006
12:08 pm
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LotusTampa
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Yippee! Another beautiful day of no contact for me too!

I just went to the department store and had a make-over (and then they got $180.00 out of me--HAHA!).

I wore a shirt I've never worn because I didn't think it was "me" (my own false self-impression).

I'm going out with friends tonight.

I opened the blinds in the house.

Life is so very good.

Thanks for your support cali and taj. I'm so very proud of both of you!

We are worth having a beautiful life.

Love,
Lotus

April 1, 2006
2:11 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I made contact with him the other da y 🙁 He responded, but afterwards, I felt a bit stupid. There's no point contacting him. He'll be polite, even flirty, but that's all it is. I'll never get him back.

So, now I want to start no contact over again! Difference is this time, it's not anything he did exactly. I got what I wanted from him which was a response to my email, but it's not making me any happier. Maybe it's slowly sinking in that I deserve so much more and that mere words cannot keep me satisfied.

Well ladies, here I go....Day 2 with no contact!

April 1, 2006
3:06 pm
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LotusTampa
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Day 18 for me!

HSB...it's OK. We have all done it. Don't beat yourself up for it...it's just not worth it.

You say, "I'll never get him back." Would you even want him back? That is the question.

Stay strong, my friend.

Love,
Lotus

April 1, 2006
4:46 pm
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1lost1
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I had to start over again. I even made contact with his cell today. I left a message. I fell about as low as I could twice last week by sleeping with him!

I signed my divorce papers yesterday which sparked all kinds of issues.

I will try again to morrow tho not have contact. This codep stuff is hard.

I am proud of you that have shown strength. Keep on going!

1L1

April 1, 2006
10:50 pm
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caliseth
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day 15!

we are on heading to the top of the mountain, girls. and no matter how much time we take to get there, once we do, everything, even the all the crying, will be worth it, because we are growing so much on the process!

i am so lucky for having you being part of my life right now....

cali

April 1, 2006
10:54 pm
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1lost1
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Wooo, hooo to all of you successful people.

My prayers to you all,
1L1

April 2, 2006
4:21 am
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SpringFling
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I think no contact is a great start. But I have to warn you I was on-again off-agian for 3 yrs with an otherwise sucessful, sensitive, sexy pill-user. Pills made him the man he was not when sober. But the sober man was so great I couldn't stay away for more than a couple weeks for 2 and a half yrs and finally had no desire. No contact was easy. He'd call I'd talk a bit, keep it causally and nicely but firmly say it is too soon to be friends again. He'd say how long and I'd say I needed a year ot two. A month later he'd call back, same story. He was convinced I had a new beau, I didn't. Eventually I told him I did (I still didn't). He didn't care and continued to want to "be freinds." 6 months after I hadn't seen him I thought maybe we can be friends. I called him. He seemed completely well. We meet out for dinner, he seemed great, another date and another. He seemed to be doing so good. I secretly wanted him back, all back. A week ago we were out to dinner and some where between his house and the restaurant he started changing. Over appietizers I saw in him what I always hated. I asked him if we could leave and he got defensive but we left without incident. When we got back to his place I ran to my car and left. He called me and the hour drive home we talked and he lied and said he didn't take anything but the naxt day admitted to it. Now I really don't want him back. I really really really don't. I want trust and security and a mutual relationship that is constantly growing not spinning in circles. So let me check my cell phone.....I'm on day 9 of no contact. It does work and 60 days is great but if you are the same person in 60 days you will probably (like me) make the same misake again. Good Luck.

April 2, 2006
7:59 am
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elizabeth anne
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I went 51 days NC. Until we saw each other in a drive thru. ( We had broken up on angry terms.) I told him I didn/t hate him. We both said we could have behaved better. He said e-mail me. I did and expressed all-poured out my feelings. Felt a burden off my shoulder.

His response scared me. He just wanted isolation. He was mad at the world. Every think was F it. Very unlike him. I became a little concerned.
E-mailed to keep communication that know matter what happens I would still be there for him as I know he would be there for me.

He e-mailed back-Ok

Last night we saw each other by chance on a road I never expected. He put down the window, smiled and waved.

I most likely am setting myself up for heartache again. Perhaps in time we can be friends, I don/t know. We both know where we stand.

I feel comfort knowing that at least we can both acknowlege each other, instead of both being so angry.

THe 51 days did give me alot of time to reflect and helped me get over withdrawal of him, I am not so anxious about him. Most likely now, I may think of him more.

I do feel more at peace as we expressed our feelings and perhaps should just leave it at that.

April 2, 2006
2:54 pm
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LotusTampa
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Day 19! 🙂

April 2, 2006
8:54 pm
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caliseth
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day 16 for me here.

1lost1:
you can do it, it is very hard, but not impossible, and with your divorce process, you try to focus on your life and your co-dependency. i don't want you to cheer for us, dear, i want you to be a part of getting your own life on track again, i know you can, because if i could, anyone can, believe me.

SPRINGF:
Keep it going. don't take him back.

whidbey: have i told you how i apreciate your help here? over 2 months! i am so proud of you, much more of your reaction when you find he is with someone now, but that did not make you go back... you are a tough lady,that encourages me to begun my exercise program and my self esteem development. thanks, dear

TAJ, i think you are sensitive and sweet, as much as lotus tampa is.

LOTUS: nice, lotus, we are doing it together!

(((((hugs to all))))))

April 2, 2006
11:32 pm
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Anonymous
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I've lost count of the actual days, but I know it has been a little over a month for me. I've never felt better! Like you, Lotus, I'm starting to "live" again, not spending EVERY waking minute thinking of him. I still have my "moments", but they are fewer and farther between!

No contact really is very liberating, but only AFTER you've trudged thru all the yukky stuff (withdrawals, missing them, crying all the time, etc.) For those of you in the early stages, YOU CAN DO IT!!! If I can, anybody can!

Love, plz~

April 3, 2006
7:57 am
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1lost1
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caliseth...Thanks for the encouragement. I continually believe he has changed, but then he flairs up again with the lies and accusations.

I am just exhausted! I put on a smile and go to work (we work in the same place) everyday. I don't let him see the pain in my heart.

Right now, I am lonely. I have family and friends but I am still lonely. I need to find something that fills the void.

Thank for the support. I am back to day one....Here I go again!

1L1

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