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no clues no warning now he's gone
May 17, 2005
8:20 pm
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Anonymous
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My fiance and I had been fighting more within recent months. I knew we had some problems, but they didn't seem like anything we couldn't work through. After we got engaged, I began to have cold feet. I knew I wanted to be with him, but the idea of getting married was sort of scary. I was so happy with him. I didn't want to let myself be as happy as I was, because I didn't think I could deal with the heartache if it ended. Looking back, I can see that I was pushing him away. But, at the time, I didn't think what I was doing was that big of a deal. Now he's left me, without any warning. There was no distance between us. I never felt him slipping away. He ended things with me in the heat of an argument. Now it's over. I wrote him a letter and mailed it today, but I don't think he's going to change his mind. I love him so much. I am in so much pain that I can't even function. If only I could have the chance to change, I would show him how much I love him. But, I'm sure I won't get the chance. Now, I wonder if he ever truly loved me. If you loved someone, wouldn't you give them that chance? I'm not a drug addict or an abuser. I just have a lot of anxiety that causes me to nag and place endless demands on him. He feels like nothing is ever good enough for me, but it is. I just wish I could show him that.

May 18, 2005
5:27 am
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revelation
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Foggy I can't right a long post because I'm a bit up to my eyes at the moment, but may I just say that I sympathise with you, I have been in your situation I know where you are coming from and it takes a lot of self-control. Some people who don't understand this behaviour might say...Oh but if he really loves you he'd stay. Well, when my BF left it was for his own sanity....looking back I can't blame him for it. Lookm I really feel your pain, I wish I could tell you what to do, I did the same thing as you. My BF and I are now back together, but it took a lot of hard-work and I still occasionally get the panicky-this is to good to be true-putting him to the test moments, but I'm trying, I'm trying hard.
During the break-up I also wrote a letter, my advice to you would be, leave it at that now....try your best to not contact him, give him space, you can't make him make the decision you want him to make, thats not going to happen unless he wants it to...and you can't make him want to. So just try really try to leave him alone for a while and then see what happens ok? Then if he comes back and wants to talk, tell him all of this that you know about yourself, tell him where it came from and tell him you don't want to be like that anymore (That is, if you are like me and really don't want to be like that anymore)

Hope this helps

May 18, 2005
8:38 am
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CAMER
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hi foggy, just wondering do you really want to be with him or are you more upset that he ended things for now??? you did say you had "cold feet" and maybe that is a sign that things were not meant to be.

Hopefully, if he does read the letter you wrote, maybe you both can talk about your wants and needs and see if things can go further and rebuild what was lost.

May 18, 2005
11:15 am
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there really isn't much you can do at the moment. Give him a break or space whatever it is he needs. My ex did the same thing..after 3 years he called me on the phone to our home completely out of the blue and told me he was done and it was over. There was nothing I could do, but cry, scream, beg, whatever I could. In the long run it didn't work out. He was done. absence makes the heart grow fonder. Give it a try.

May 18, 2005
11:38 am
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Thank you for all of your support. This site is like a life line to me. Also, I am blessed with some really great friends and my parents who have been more supportive than I could ever ask for. You guys are the best!

Deena - Did your bf come back? Did he ever give you any real closure? Was he seeing someone else?

This time away (probably forever) has given me a chance to think about things. I am responsible for the breakup, but only for half of it. My fiance claimed that I wasn't helping him out and was just barking orders at him from my apartment, but he was the one who wanted me to keep my apartment after we got engaged. He said that he wanted us to move into a new house together when we were married. We never really discussed it after that. But looking back, it's pretty hard to be a real member of a family when you still have your own apartment. Being at his house and with his son and still having my own apartment made me feel like I wasn't really a member of his family. I think this led to a lot of my insecurity and anxiety.

I sent my letter and now I'm going to just wait and see if he contacts me. I'm not going to go over there or call him. But, man is it hard! I get these waves of panic where I just want to run over there and beg him to give it another chance. It's so hard feeling this helpless.

May 18, 2005
11:39 am
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revelation - I loved your advise! It's hard when you are the type of person that feels the need to do something, or fix the situation to make it all better. But I am understanding that sometimes it is best to give things/people some space & time to work through their own thoughts, because not everyone is at the same place as we are.

foggy&confused - It's not always just about love, it's also about how much we are able to handle given our emotional strength, experiences, etc. ... and everyone is different in this area. This doesn't make you any less lovable, or him any less loving. It just is the way it is sometimes. Maybe take this time now to see what you can do to work on yourself so that if he does come back, or when you enter into another relationship, you will be in a much better/healthier position.

You are in my thoughts and I hope that all works out for you.

angel4U

May 18, 2005
11:50 am
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angel4U
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Sorry foggy,

I posted before your last post. It sounds like communication is the key on this one. Try to ask yourself why you felt uncomfortable sharing with him how you were feeling about the living arrangements. If you were getting married, I think being able to talk about these things and work them through together is important. If you can't, you really are only in for more trouble ahead when you live in the same home.

May 18, 2005
11:57 am
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I didn't realize that the living situation was a factor until now. After we had that conversation back in Oct., I didn't think about it again. I enjoyed having my own apartment, but now that I have had all this time I can see that it probably wasn't the best thing for our relationship.

May 18, 2005
12:16 pm
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angel4U
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Please forgive me if I'm offbase, it's so darned hard sometimes trying to help without knowing you or the whole situation, so please know this is just my insights based on what I am seeing in your posts.

I see you first blaming yourself (because you acted out of fear of getting married and also anxiety of not feeling like a part of his family), and then blaming him (for not wanting you to live in his home ... which caused some of your anxiety ... but at the same time you said you enjoyed having your own place). It "seems" that you have some mixed feelings about letting go of your independence and depending on someone, while at the same time not wanting to lose them (btw - I can very much relate to this feeling!). Only you know for sure, just thought I'd run this by you for something to think about since you shared that you felt that you were part of the problem,

Here's what you wrote that made me see this:

"After we got engaged, I began to have cold feet. I knew I wanted to be with him, but the idea of getting married was sort of scary. I was so happy with him. I didn't want to let myself be as happy as I was, because I didn't think I could deal with the heartache if it ended."

"I just have a lot of anxiety that causes me to nag and place endless demands on him. He feels like nothing is ever good enough for me, but it is.

"My fiance claimed that I wasn't helping him out and was just barking orders at him from my apartment, but he was the one who wanted me to keep my apartment after we got engaged."

"But looking back, it's pretty hard to be a real member of a family when you still have your own apartment. Being at his house and with his son and still having my own apartment made me feel like I wasn't really a member of his family. I think this led to a lot of my insecurity and anxiety."

May 18, 2005
12:17 pm
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angel4U
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btw - I think it is FABULOUS that you are thinking through this like you are! It's a sure fire way to growth!!!

May 18, 2005
8:23 pm
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foggy...bo my bf did not vome back. It's about 2 months now. I do miss him I won't lie, but each day I get better. I will be better off without him and his (illegal) ways. He went back to his psycho ex. (mother of his son) So that was it for me. No more calls, no crying- nothing. For him to totally phuck (thanks kc for the spelling) me over then return to her- forget it. I will not call, send letters- nothing. I think more of myself than that. Never let him see you sweat. Living happy is the sweetest revenge. Screw them

May 18, 2005
11:49 pm
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My fiance doesn't do drugs or anything else illegal. He didn't leave me for someone else. But if any of those things were true, this at least would make so much more sense to me. He does struggle with depression.

Deena, I'm so sorry to hear your story. My exbf before my fiance was a herione addict. He went to prison for robbing a bank. When things would get bad for him he would break up with me (or me with him). I know the kind of chaos someone like that can bring to your life. Luckily, he is out now and he's doing really well. Oddly, he's one of the best paople I've ever met, but I'd never go back to him, b/c of all of the chaos that comes w/ him. Your ex doesn't sound like he knows what he's doing. It's probably best to find someone more stable. Hang in there. I know I'm trying myself.

May 18, 2005
11:57 pm
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Angel - you're not off base. That is how I felt. I only wish I'd seen it before. I would have talked to him about it. Now, I just wish I could talk to him. I know it's better just to wait until he contacts me, but it's KILLING me. I feel so sick and panic stricken all the time. I have been having terrible stomach pains. I can't function at work. It's probably not helping that I've taken up smoking again. I need to find some better coping skills. Nothing seems to make me feel better for more than a few minutes. I feel like I'm going through some sort of emotional birthing labor. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. My whole life has been taken away in the blink of an eye.

May 20, 2005
10:45 am
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angel4U
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foggy -

I don't think it's wrong to talk to him about what you've learned about yourself, I think it's healthy! I think we all have things we do that impact people/relationships without even knowing it. And I think sometimes it takes things like this, and some space apart, to get us to "really" think things through. The tough part (for me anyway) is to really understand what it is we need/want, and how to communicate how we are feeling and why. In otherwords, being able to get vulnerable with others (which can be scarey) rather than nagging, getting angry, or trying to control the situation. I think much of it is due to our fears (of being rejected, abandoned, or of coming across as too needy, etc.) or not really being sure what the right thing for us is.

I'm not sure if this is how you were/are feeling, and may just be doing some reflection here of myself from what you had said. I can so much relate to the idea of loving to have my own place/independence, but at the same time wanting more closeness & blending in a relationship. For me, I think it's a fear of losing the other person (being abandoned "once again") that causes me to feel the need for some of this distance/space. And the only thing that helps me get over this fear is trust. And that takes time to build, as well as lots of open & honest communication.

I think we all have past experiences, fears, different personalities, etc. that are going to end up causing conflicts at one point or another in any relationship. But I think it does take two people to be able to get to a point of being able to really communicate effectively and get through these things.

One question I have for you since you said he gave no warning signs and then just left is "has he ever approached you on issues in the relationship or things that were bothering him, or has he always just ignored them and kept them inside?" If the latter, this would be/is a HUGE problem for me. It would increase my fears (especially of abandonment) because I couldn't trust how they other person was really feeling ... and I'd feel as if they expected me to guess all the time (which if course has the potential to leading to wrong assumptions). My experience with this kind of passive-aggressive behavior is that it is FRUSTRATING and UNFAIR! (I can tell this is one of my triggers because I am getting frusttrated just writing this.)

Since you have done your part by reaching out and attempting to talk to him by writing a letter, I think it is best now to just give it some space and let him think things through. Maybe he needs more time than you to think about things and about his own emotions about the situation (they say guys have a more difficult time than us women do with this. We tend to get it all out on the table together to work through it, they tend to work through things on their own before coming to the table).

And in the meantime, try to hug yourself and say "I'm ok!!!" and deserve someone that will take the time and effort to work through conflicts with me, not run away!

((((((((((((((foggy)))))))))))))))

angel4U

May 20, 2005
10:57 am
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angel4U
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Wow! I didn't realize I wrote that much! But I have to say that doing so did alot for me, especially my last line "try to hug yourself and say "I'm ok!!!" and deserve someone that will take the time and effort to work through conflicts with me, not run away!"

I think I needed to tell myself that today!!! I have both tears and a smile on my face by re-reading it, so I am guessing this is one of "my" deepest hurts ... so I need to keep reminding myself of these things too!!

May 20, 2005
12:13 pm
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on my way
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Hi foggy,
I am currently reading a book, "Approval Addiction" and it has presented some ideas that I nevre even considered in a previous relationship that I had, loved, broke up without warning, hurt,the same as yourself.

This is what it said in the book:

Some people need so much approval, that if they sense at all that the other person does not approve of them, over the most minute circumstance, they begin to withdraw and then just leave,,,without warning, onto to the next "new" relationship where they can begine the cycle all over again. It is new, fresh, and opportunity to prove how wonderful they are, etc. But in time, the same thing happens.

So maybe you did push him way, but bottom line you may not have been responsible for him leaving. If he sensed any rejection from you, or if he felt rejected in any way (his issues, not yours) then he would leave (his problem not yours). He may not even realize he is doing this.

Something to think about anyway. Don't balme yourself, it takes two to break or make a relationship. Food for thought anyway. I beleive this describes the gentleman I dated.
Hope this sheds some light for you and helps!

May 20, 2005
12:32 pm
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OMW - Thanks for sharing that. I was surrounded by people like this growing up, and find there are many people out there like this. After being hurt many times by people like this (or having a dead relationship anyway because of it), I am learning that it's ok to ask for open & honest communciation. And if people are not willing to give it, it's also ok to walk away.

May 20, 2005
12:52 pm
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on my way
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angel, that is a big step. Wow, shows confidence and trust in yourself and your beliefs. Awesome!!

May 20, 2005
1:20 pm
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Angel - He did tell me that things were bothering him, but he would only bring them up in the course of an argument, so I couldn't really process what he was saying. He never told me or indicated that these things were bothering him so much that he was considering ending the relationship. In fact, he constantly reassured me that everything would work out. For me, it's hard to really hear something in the heat of an argument. Nevertheless, I still think it was unfair of him to end things without really communicating to me how my behavior was affecting him. If he was just a bf, I think this might be a little more understandable. I think that when you ask someone to marry you, you are essentially saying that you agree not to break up so haphazardly, especially not in the heat of an argument. He also has a son, who has essentially no relationship with his mother. He brought me into this little boy's life and assured him that I was not going anywhere. He has become a son to me. He would ask all the time when we were going to get married. He said he knew that we had to wait until Daddy finished school, but that he was so excited he couldn't wait. He is only 5 and can't really remember a time that I wasn't around. If you asked him who his parents were, he would tell you, "Daddy and Foggy" My fiance told me that he would never allow me to be so active in his life, if he wasn't positive that our relationship would not end. Even during times more recently that we would fight, he would call and ask if I wanted to see his son. I asked if he thought that was a good idea and he said it was OK b/c he knew we were going to work through it. I miss his son so much. I wonder how he's feeling. I wish I could be there for him. This isn't fair to him either.

On my way - I do think that he ended our relationship, b/c he felt rejected by me. He always said that if he thought I was going to break up with him, he would try to break up with me first. Real mature!

I went to see our therapist yesterday by myself. She said that she was really surprised by this and found it to be strange. I think you know you've been thrown for a loop when even your couples counselor is completely shocked! I asked to continue to see her on my own to work out my anxiety issues, but she said that she couldn't see me b/c she didn't find his break up with me to be believable. She said that she would need to know that this was truely over before she could see me on my own. She said that he is probably very angry and may need a while before he can really process his anger and come to a real conclusion about ending things with me. She suggested that I wait another week and then send him another letter asking to speak with him. So, I guess I will do what she says. Though it doesn't seem as though I should have to write another letter. She gave me the names of some other people to see, so I'm going to get in touch with them.

What are your stories? I sounds like you have had similar experiences. Angel, I'm glad that you have been processing how you feel. I can relate to the things you have said of yourself.

May 20, 2005
1:23 pm
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I think once you've been there so many times, and know where it's going to end up, it gets easier to say "this is what is important to me, and if we can't work through this, I have to walk away". Of course I think taking it slow and balancing what you share & expect in the beginning before trust is built is important. But over a period of time, if you find the other person is still closed off and not willing to open up, or takes everything personally, or continues to run rather than communicate with you what bothers them, then you are dealing with someone (in my opinion)that is not mature enough to be in a relationship.

It's one thing if you open up and talk about it to them and they are willing to see your side and work on it with you. But if not, I can't see the point of staying (especially in a romantic situation) when there's a lot of other people out there willing to be more emotionally available. Now I have to keep telling myself this so I don't forget it, and turn into a can opener again the next time around!!! ... 😉

May 20, 2005
1:32 pm
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angel4U
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Hi foggy, that last rsponse was to OMW and I have to run for now.

I was glad to see that you both were going to counseling, and I hope that your fiance is just needing time to process his feelings and hope he comes back to talk to you when things are calmer.

Hang in there girl!! I will keep you in my thoughts!!

angel4u

May 20, 2005
1:45 pm
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Angel - you sound like you are in a better place than I am. It's hard for me to merely communicate how I feel. I make demands (that may have nothing to do with communication) and then insist that if they are not met to my satisfaction I will be out the door. I can't really say that I would want to be in a relationship with someone who does this either. I can see now that this is my way of getting someone to "prove" to me that they love me. The normal waysdon't seem to be enough for me. Why oh why could I not have seen this before?

It is important to communicate how you feel. But, you don't want to end up being like me. Building trust is a process. Sometimes, you have to be patient with others, even though it opens the door to allowing yourself to be vulnerable. If we don't let ourselves be vulnerable, we guarrantee that things will end up as they always have before.

May 20, 2005
1:47 pm
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foggy, I think the most important thing you can do is take total responsibility for your part in the problems in the relationship. For example, you said he said nothing is ever good enough for you. Take a very honest look at that and try to understand why he would feel that way and tell him. I don't think you need to wait to do this. If you doing something as harmful to yourself as smoking do not wait. Just be sure before you call him that you understand all of his concerns about you and why he would feel that way. If you can do that it can turn things around.

May 20, 2005
3:02 pm
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RE: "Building trust is a process. Sometimes, you have to be patient with others, even though it opens the door to allowing yourself to be vulnerable."

This is something I know and have thought about and try to work on alot.

Most people that know me would tell you that I am a pretty patient and fair person. Where I think I lose my patience is when people place unfair expectations on me (e.g. expecting me to work around their schedule all the time, to understand their outbursts when they never apologize or explain and find better ways to communicate, to accept degrading remarks or constant excuses as to why they are being irresponsible - e.g. consistently make plans and cancel, don't call when they say they will, etc.) ... while at the same time are not willing to give any of this back. It's hard for me to not think that these kind of people are simply inconsiderate of others and/or are in the relationship for what "they" can get, and really don't care about my needs. If they did, they would care enough to stop and listen when something bothered me or work together with me so that we could come to a compromise that we are both happy with, rather than blowing it off, getting angry, or running and hiding.

I honestly wish I had the answer to what the best way to handle people that act like this is so that it wouldn't impact me ... somehow I don't think more patience on my part is it, though. But neither is showing frustration when confrontation in a healthy manner doesn't work. Maybe more boundaries? Or simply walking away until they can prove that they are ready to treat me in a respectful manner if boundaries don't work? Or simply accept that the way some people chose to treat people is not in line with my values, and it's time to walk away and stick with people that know how to be considerate of others and have my best interests at heart, too.

This one has been a real struggle for me recently for some reason, so I apologize for writing so much on your thread, foggy.

ok, time to "breath" ... =))

May 20, 2005
6:48 pm
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OK I'm thinking about asking him out to dinner tonight to talk. How bad is this idea, considering everything that has gone on. I know my friends would tell me not to that I need to keep my pride and not look desparate. Would this seem really desparate?

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