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September 14, 2005
2:15 pm
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RobertM65
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September 24, 2010
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Dday was 6 weeks ago. Dday2 4 weeks. I'll discount the first couple of weeks ... turbulent raw emotions for both of us.

I am going to Al-anon meetings and trying to get my head straight. When we are together, things are as good. We have both said we want the marriage to work and that we don't want to lose what we have.

My W, in her own way has made changes and they appear to be addressing her self esteem issues. She has had previous experiences with rehab, counseling and AA. She says it didn't work for her. Obviously, counseling and AA is the best place for her right now.

However, I can say from my own experiences that everyone is different. I smoked pot and used cocaine many years ago. The pot in particular really screwed up my way of thinking. I haven't used either of these drugs in over 15 years and have completely lost interest.

If I see that the A is not continuing, I will continue to be supportive of my W and gently try to steer her to counseling and AA. She has been receptive to my guidance in the past. Ultimately it's her own recovery and I can't force her.

If I discover that the A has continued, that's another story. My feeling, that I will communicate to her, is that if she doesn't care about the marriage why should I? If she can give me a reason to care then I will. Reasons would include a commitment to counseling and/or AA.

If she can't get help for herself, then I will not be willing to let things continue as they are. I will have to distance myself and ultimately take steps to end the marriage. That will be difficult considering that we spend so much time together and are happy and content during those times. But we are both sick and our relationship is sick. One way or the other (slow and steady or drastic and emotional)

Please comment. Writing this and hearing feedback really helps.

September 14, 2005
2:33 pm
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sdesigns
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September 27, 2010
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Hi Robert: I think you are the right track in your way of thinking. When someone has an addictive relationship with alcohol (drugs, etc.) that is their primary relationship and it is not with you. You deserve to be the number one priority in your wife's life. SD

September 14, 2005
2:59 pm
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kathygy
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September 30, 2010
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Sounds like you are doing the right thing. It sounds healthy that you value yourself more than an unhealthy relationship.

love,
kathy

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