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News..... got an email from him
February 24, 2004
11:13 am
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nancee
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That's exactly what he told me was that he had too much going on in his life (adjusting to being single again, helping the kids adjust, getting the divorce over with) and it wasn't fair to keep stringing me along. I repeatedly asked him if he wanted to not see me anymore and he said no that he did, I asked him if he wanted me to stop calling and he said no...just that he might not always be available for me. Please don't think I'm an awful person for doing the married man thing. I was just doing what I thought made me feel loved. I never thought we would even have a chance to really be together until his kids were grown up. This whole situation caught me off guard. I know I deserved to be with someone who could be there for me all the time. I try to tell myself I'm too independent to have a guy around all the time...I guess to try to justify what I was allowing him to do to me. Now there isn't any excuse any more because he is on his own and apparently doesn't want me. It hurts so much to face that. I had such a good day yesterday and didn't want to end up crying today but here it comes.

February 24, 2004
11:21 am
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artist 2
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there you go again... You are NOT an awful person. Say it. Repeat.

He is also a good person. He was giving you what you needed at the time. It doesn't work for you any more either, does it? Whether he wants you or not does not dictate your worth. It hurts, but do you want you? Do you want to have a life? Yes......

You can cry - it's theraputic. When you get through, treat yourself to a movie, nail job, whatever you enjoy.

February 24, 2004
12:06 pm
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nancee
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He is a good person and I know he doesn't want me to be hurt. He is a very good father. He is also very selfish, just like in October when I tried to break it off with him and he just kept calling and showing up like always, but now when he is going through something, I am expected to understand. I don't know if I could live the rest of my life with someone who can't communicate their feelings to me. I think part of me is that I expected him to be there for me until I decided what I wanted and that didn't happen. I guess I'm a little selfish too.

February 24, 2004
12:11 pm
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artist 2
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nancee, what are you being selfish about? because you wanted the same in return?? You are OK .

February 24, 2004
12:14 pm
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marley
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artist -

Wow - we have a lot going on on this thread. Anyway, I told him I would pick him up at the airport and I also told him not to email me anymore while he was in Costa Rica b/c I found it was making me nutty. (I am not really sure why, it wasn't like he was telling me about relationships with other women or anything, but just the fact that he wasn't asking me to come and visit or anything since he had asked me to come before he left made me freak out - lame, huh?) So anyway he finally emailed me yesterday and it was nice, friendly, sweet. He wrote that he would only be able to email me one more time to send me his flight info - so what I am thinking is 1) if I pick him up am I just opening myself up to more round and round again 2) If I don't pick him up is that just wrong? I mean I want to be friends, if not now then eventually.... Please advise

February 24, 2004
12:16 pm
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artist 2
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I'd pick him up, drop him off and wish him a good day. He needs to work on getting back to you.

Or

Pick him up and tell him you missed him. Why didn't he call or wrtie more often? Find out....

Sorry I can't make it any easier. Tell me what you plan on doing- ok?

February 24, 2004
12:59 pm
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Zinnie
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Write him back - let him know you are busy... which you are - you are detoxing.

Send him a car.

Z.

February 24, 2004
1:05 pm
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marley
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Z - you are like my mother, no sugar-coating it. No and that is final.

So do I email him now and tell him that or what? Do I give him enough advance notice to get the car himself or another ride?

The thing is that artist has a point I want to tell him that I missed him and I am sorry I was such a boob - is that wrong? Or is that just prolonging my misery?

February 24, 2004
1:29 pm
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nancee
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I want to know the same thing too. I've thought of sending 'him' a letter and telling him I wasn't trying to rush our relationship and that if my wanting to have a baby is the issue, that I may change my mind about that if we have a chance together. But then I think, why should I always be the one to give in or change what I want to meet the needs of some 'boy'. What about what I wang? I should be looking for someone who wants the same things as me, right?

February 24, 2004
2:14 pm
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Zinnie
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Nancee -

Yes, you should be looking for a person who is wanting the same thing that you want not only in a relationship but in life.

I mean look at the situation - now, I'm not judging you O.K. - BUT you were dating a married man. How would you feel if you were the wife? These men, ALWAYS say the same thing - "I can't leave until... the kids are grown, my wife can take the news, etc." They string these women along about how they will do this that and the other and then eventually they are going to leave their wife and then you guys can be together. Right?

In the meantime, the wife has another baby, they buy a new house, they buy a new car, they add on or remodel the new house, pretty soon they need a new pool, and then they take the wife on that much needed vacation to the Cancun so they can break the news to her there. But, the poor dear she is so weak and feeble minded that he just counldn't bear to do that to her then. But, Nancee - please just have a little more patience because after his son gets married and he puts his grandchild through medical school - he will be all yours!

Sound familiar?

How long has he been stringing you along? How many years of your life have you given this man with NOTHING but heart ache in return. Waiting for him to call you, waiting for him to call in sick to spend time with you. For him to lie to his wife so he could meet you for dinner, but not at a nice restaurant where you might be seen out with him. So, let's just call out for Chinese or pizza - right? Well, guess who is getting the cake, ice cream and dessert? It's not you, and it's not his wife.

Now, more than likely his wife got tired of his funky self - but, now that he is free... he needs to "find himself." Well, he can find himself - but you don't need to still be there waiting. You need to be out living your life!

Lastly, look at it this way. Would you really want to spend a life being married or attached to this guy? Would you ever trust him? You know how you met him, right? Wouldn't you worry about him if he took 20 minutes too long at the grocery? Who is he calling?

Nancee - you are so far above that. Find a guy that treats you like the wonderful person you are.

Love,

Zinnie

February 24, 2004
3:19 pm
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nancee
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Thanks, Zinnie...I needed to hear that. And I've been asking myself the same question...how would I ever be able to trust him? And recently when he was spending more time with me, I think I began to understand why his marriage failed. He said she stopped having sex with him after they had their son, who is now 9. I believe it had a lot more to do with his inability to share his feelings. I could see myself getting frustrated with him not being able to have a serious conversation and talk about feelings. The only way to get his attention would be to withhold sex. I try to tell myself it was so great when I was with him but I really was just left feeling empty. I tried to tell myself that my emotional needs didn't matter as long as my physical needs were getting met. My needs weren't getting met, period. I do know I need to move on and I'm trying but I don't expect it to be easy. Thanks for your input. It means so much to me.

XOXO
Nan

February 25, 2004
12:54 pm
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marley
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hey artist - how are things? do you have a new thread that I can't find?

Marley

February 25, 2004
12:57 pm
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nancee
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She said earlier that she was going out of town for the weekend. Don't know if she's still here or not.

Nan

February 25, 2004
3:13 pm
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marley
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It is only wednesday!

February 25, 2004
5:27 pm
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artist 2
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Hey Marley... still here, checking in one last time before leaving. Didn't know I'd have a chance to come back.

No new thread. The plan still is to go over later in the weekend. He will be there. He sounded so warm and friendly when we talked last night. I don't really trust it. I think it's because he's not feeling well and wants to be taken care of. I told him to go to the doctor and take vitamin C. I don't worry about being lured back into some kind of union with him. I've mostly decided that relationships are not good for me right now. Any of them. So, there's my armor.

Will check back in maybe in a couple of days.

You guys take care!
Love, Artist 2

February 25, 2004
5:33 pm
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Kessie
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Hi Artist - I just saw this (below) on one of the other threads. I read it. If you haven't already, do it now. Try to read it all. It did me good. I have bookmarked it.
Sorry I feel really tired out today. I had a bit of a setback re HIM yesterday, but I'm clawing my way back to sanity!!
Hang on in there.

Love K

http://www.angelfire.com/indie.....index.html

February 25, 2004
5:36 pm
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Anonymous
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KESSIE what happened?

February 25, 2004
5:50 pm
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Kessie
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Hi A&S Ah - a bit of a long story, but I will post it, in the morning, promise. God, why do these things rake up such powerful feelings??

February 26, 2004
6:07 am
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Kessie
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Actaully, I had a good night's sleep last night and now I feel OK. Just a little wobble, - I heard a little gossip about him, and his new 'friend', although I now think of his friend as the new 'victim/prisoner'. It seems that Friend had been a bit over zealous in looking after HIS interests and an incident had occurred involving police. Nothing whatever to do with me. BUT, I was consumed with curiosity, I kept thinking about it, and HIM, and Friend, and eventually I caved in and rang him. He was friendly enough, but afterwards I really pulled myself up - I read that thing on the web site I mentioned, and I realised, - DONT get dragged back! NO involvement. I'm OK now, no worries.
Kx

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