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News..... got an email from him
February 23, 2004
5:27 pm
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artist 2
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Please dont' get impatient and think I'm just a goof, but I wanted to post for opinions. If you don't want to read, please dont' respond.

Thanks.

Anyway, I sent an email saying the parts for my car were going to be late coming in and I changed when I'd be over to work on my car. I say I saw him at church and how are you.... He writes back saying that's fine about the car, that he's a little sick, then mentioned a success he's had in his latest project.

Should I take this as an invitation to write him back?

February 23, 2004
5:34 pm
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Anonymous
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Do you want to write him back

February 23, 2004
5:36 pm
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marley
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Artist -

Honestly, do you want to know? I mean "success in his latest project"? What could it be? Is it something that could hurt you to know - e.g. like something the two of you were going to do together and he did on his own, or something that shows he is moving on with his life and you may not be a part of it?

If these are possible scenarios do you want to expose yourself to that kind of hurt?

It could be great news about the two of you or just for him and nothing to do with you - but honestly I think if he was an honest man he just would have told you about it up front. He is stringing you along to see if you will bite, in my opinion.

February 23, 2004
5:38 pm
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Yeah I agree with Marley, he wants to see if you are going to email him back to see if he still has you like he probably thinks he does, the thing is he may be looking to restart things, but you have come this far do you want to restart things again?

February 23, 2004
5:40 pm
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artist 2
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Oh, that's not what he siad - he specifically mentioned somethign and I can't repeat the names here. It's something he would share with me me if I were living with him. It has nothing to do with me, it's just his own project, jsut as before. It's nothign that would hurt me.

Yes I want to talk to him. I miss it. I just don't want to seem desperate or like I really NEED him or anything.

Honestly I feel like a teenager here - not that there's anything wrong with that!

February 23, 2004
5:43 pm
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artist 2
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Here it is - edited. What do you think - would it be safe for me to respond:

Sounds fine _______. I saw you at church also. I am
doing ok. I am a little sick. We have about _______ and an appointment with _________ on Tuesday.

February 23, 2004
5:54 pm
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Anonymous
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PLAY hard to get,,,, if you miss him and want him back you have to play hard to get, its like what I think marley said or someone else said you always want what you can't have right, well its the same for guys

February 23, 2004
6:17 pm
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Zinnie
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Artist,

Have you given any more thought to my suggestion? Of saying "hey, let's you and I go out for a nice quiet dinner - GET A BABYSITTER - go someplace that is nice and quiet, and just talk. I mean really talk, about specific things. If it were me, I would say:

1. When I decided to move out, it was with the intention of gaining some insight into what and where our relationship was going. However, although I was moving out - I was doing so with the honest indication from you at the time that you wanted to work things out, but space was needed for many reasons. However, since I have moved, that is not the indication you are giving me. So... once and for all - are we still "seeing each other" yet living alone and finding our middle ground? Or, are you really viewing this as a break-up, and you and I need to sever the remaining ties, you go your way and I'll go mine?

If he says he wants to give/have space - BUT still wants to work it out, then I think you both need to establish some ground rules.

1. Being honest, stop the guessing games.

2. Honestly trying to see what happened? Where and why did things begin to go wrong.

3. If you are still "dating" - then why not speak to each other when you see each other at functions?

4. If you are NOT dating, then maybe you need to find a different Church, or make the decision that if you are no longer dating, but you want to be friends - then be a friend - don't just stand there an look at each other thinking you can read each others minds. If you could read minds, you would both be rich.

I think if you get some kind of clarification of these situations it will make moving forward so much easier. Whether it's moving forward and healing the relationship OR realizing that it's over, and a new chapter of your life is going to begin.

Z.

February 23, 2004
6:34 pm
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marley
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I think Z has the right of it, but I would still play hard to get for a little while. If your usual response would be to email him back right away (like me) definitely do NOT do that, wait at least a day or to - at least to know that you really want to talk to him.

February 23, 2004
6:52 pm
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wombat37
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Just an observation from skimming this lot. A relationship should surely not be a game. Do you want him in your life? Is contact with him good for you? If the answer to these questions is yes then speak to him and sort things out. Be honest. If the answer to either is no, then do not e-mail him back. You are better than a game. Your life is too special to be burdened with this game playing and agonising. May be I see things too simply now. But friendships/relationships should be fun and should add quality to ones life. Do what is good for you, and not what gives you a quick fix.
Wombat x

February 23, 2004
7:13 pm
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My two cents is I would wait also.

I would also agree with Zinnie, you both need to sit down and have an honest talk about where you are at, and where you are going.

The answer may be hard to hear, but at least it would be an answer, a final answer as Regis would say 🙂

Ladyace

February 23, 2004
7:21 pm
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artist 2
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Ok., yeah thanks for all that. You've all given very helpful insight. Zinnie I think that he wants us to go our separate ways, but hasn't said so. I'm not mind reading, it's just when a guy says he feels disconnected and now I know what he feels like and he doesn't know when or if he'll ever feel connected. When he agrees that I should give back the key and take the remaining stuff out of his house... it pretty much says to me "get out" of my life. Then I get contradicting messages... so maybe we should sit down and talk. I stay confused about this. so, I won't email him back tonight or tomorrow.

this would make a great country song:

what was that you said again?

my heart couldn't hear it

my heart couldn't hear you closing the door

and walking away.

February 23, 2004
7:29 pm
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artist 2
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Here's what I'm going to do. Not email back at all. I know I'm going to run into him this weekend anyway.

February 23, 2004
8:09 pm
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bachjazz
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I hope when u do connect with him it goes well.
If it doesn't, u have support.
Either way, u are a worthwile, lovable person.

February 23, 2004
10:04 pm
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marley
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I liked your lyric, I wrote one once too

I wrapped my heart in a box
A gift under the tree
but Christmas never came.

Similar thought - eh? I am glad you are staying strong and have decided not to email. I received an email too and have decided not to email back either. However he is going to send me another one with his flight info. Do you think I should not pick him up from the airport and if so, do I tell him - or just ignore him completely?

February 23, 2004
11:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Ha! Wombat - a person after my own heart. That is something that I should have included in my post.

No playing games. No playing hard to get, or if you do this, then I will do that.

Game playing does not get us anywhere except frustrated. In the very least look at it this way - this is life - not a game. Essentially, you have to look at it this way - how would YOU feel OR how do YOU feel when someone plays games with you.

I have NO time for people who play games. That is just about the quickest way to get cut out of my life.

My husbands sister - this is her favorite past time. Out of everyone in the entire family - we are the ones that does not put up with her and her machinations. Because of this, we are also the only ones that she will not even try it on any more.

Don't play games Artist (and don't take me wrong, not saying that this is what you are doing, just looking at what else was suggested 0.K.?) - this is your life. Be direct in what you want and what you need.

Be yourself.

Love,

Z.

February 24, 2004
9:23 am
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nancee
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I agree about not playing games. When my counselor suggested I not have any contact with 'him', I asked her if this wasn't game playing... ignoring him or not emailing him just to see how he is doing. She said it was not game playing, rather self preservation, distancing myself from a toxic relationship. As I proved to myself last week after a month of no contact, talking to him just brought me down again.

Artist, I think you should do what ultimately is best for you. I loved Zinnie's suggestion of getting together with him and talking about whether you are going to try to work out your relationship or if it is over and time for you to move on. I've said this before, I think guys tend to be vague in this situation because they aren't sure what they want, but they don't want to completely cut the tie with us in case they change their minds. I can't say that for sure about your relationship, but I believe that is what is going on with mine. Good luck, whatever you decide. You are strong and you can handle whatever happens.

Nan

February 24, 2004
9:59 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Artist,

That is why I firmly believe you two need to sit down and talk. Because when you did move out, I know on your part it was with the honest intention of giving and getting some space. He agreed with you at the time, but now he is like "uh, yeah.. come get your stuff." It could be too, he did not think you would REALLY go through with it, you know?

I encourage you to sit down with him and talk. At least that way you know where you stand, and what you really need to be doing - either working on the relationship - which is what you want - or moving on - which seems to be what he is wanting. I know I wrote on another thread about my guy friend that got married, but did not want to. I wonder if it's the same with this guy... he just does not know what to say or how to say it?

Z.

February 24, 2004
10:01 am
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artist 2
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Marley, that's hard for me to answer. Did you have an agreement to pick him up? What has transpired that you think you shouldn't? Think about it... and come back and tell me.

February 24, 2004
10:06 am
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Zinnie, even though I feel for sure this is what he wants, you are suggesting Ii get face-to-face confirmation? Just for myself?

Thanks you guys... tears coming up... for helping me. I see now that it is self-preservation. To ask for a "final" talk so I can let go and move on... yes.. better for that.

Liked you lyrics Marley.

February 24, 2004
10:19 am
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Zinnie
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I think so Artist, I think that although it might hurt you a little - to get that final confirmation... if you don't - it will hurt you a lot, because you will always be left wondering.

Understand?

This way - even if he says he wants to move on - you will KNOW what is going on, and you can move forward with your life too.

February 24, 2004
10:27 am
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Yeah I get it - and it is the only thing to do. Pray for courage, ok?

February 24, 2004
10:33 am
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Knowing is sometimes the best thing, because its not knowing that makes you think "well maybe this" or Maybe that and in the end I would rather know if someone wanted to move on than sit at my place wondering, I wish you luck artist I know this is hard for you

February 24, 2004
10:50 am
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nancee
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All this talk is really making me scared about my situation. I don't know if it is the time for a face to face talk for me. It hurt so bad just to talk to him last week and have him sound indifferent. He did say he would help set up my new computer but I decided that seeing him would be a bad idea and I set up my computer myself. I've just now gotten to the point where I can make it through the day at work without crying. But the thing that's bothering me is that I've never really had an official ending to any relationship...the guy just kind of fades away and I never really knew what happened. I don't want that to happen this time. I want answers, I'm just not sure if he even knows what he wants right now. So far, when I've asked him what if he wants to be with me or not he just says he misses me but isn't sure what he wants. I know a lot of his time is being spent with his child and he is going through a divorce. I told him I thought I didn't deserve to be left out in the cold and all he could say was 'I know.' That was about a month ago and nothing has changed. I realize I'm rambling...sometimes I figure out more just from listening to myself. I would appreciate any input though.

One more thing, I am honest enough to admit that if he really really wanted to be with me and was chasing after me, I may not want him. It seems when someone wants to be with me, it's a turn off for me. Almost like I lose respect for anyone who would be stupid enough to love me. I know that sounds really crazy but I'm just trying to fix myself and admitting feelings is important right?

February 24, 2004
10:59 am
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Nancee... please don't say that. whenever you say someone is stupid to love you, defend yourself! Say to that voice, "Hey you're not stupid. You are smart and on top of that worthy of love." So stop it!

Your situation sounds like it has so many questions that can't be answered. I hate it when it feels like you're being strung along... you deserve so much better. It's also hard to ask for the truth. I know it will hurt me, but it's the kind of healing I need to move on. And I want to move on now.

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