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Newly married codependent....HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
November 20, 2001
1:31 am
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messed up again
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September 29, 2010
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I'll say it before everyone else...yes!! I must be out of my mind. Please ANYONE who has done this or can relate please help me. I was in a codependent relationship for 6 1/2 years. Long story short......she is a childhood abuse survivor and I feel greatly for her and have always wanted to help. But....she has never treated me very well....occasionally very good, but mostly she is not very compasionate or warm, always feeling ill to some degree, disregards my feelings often and sex is VERY rare. We both have nice jobs and she travels A LOT. We have a nice home and enjoy doing some things together, but it feels very ho-hum. She is the queen of avoidance....and gets angry easily unless I am in a perfectly good mood. I have suspected her of cheating a couple times but never could get any solid proof. She is very pretty and VERY well liked by her family and friends and co-workers. About 4 years ago I asked her to marry me (don't ask). We put it off many times and then finally set a date. I just keep thinking that with more maturing and compassion on my part she will soften up. Anyway.....weeks before the wedding I started getting scared to death. I mean terrified. This is my 4th marriage and I desperatly didn't want another divorce. I tried talking to her about it on several occasions...we'd usually end up in a fight......she was working hard on wedding arrangements....and the fights just weren't worth it. I still don't know how...but I went through with it. We had a very beautiful wedding, many well wishers, and now a month later we are back to life as usual. Sometimes I absolutely can not believe I did it AGAIN!
Anyway....I beat myself up about this daily...i know I don't deserve much help.....but this is what I need to know........how long can this marriage last??? I mean, we've already managed 6 1/2 years together. Does anyone have any experience similar to this??? I don't want to divorce, I love her. But I admit I am very unhappy and severely frustrated. Does anyone know like a statistic or anything about how long this will probably last??? Things seems....weird....already but I can't put my finger on it. I don't really want to leave, but then again I don't know. Please excuse my confusion. But please if anyone has any similar experiences please let me know.
Thank you so much,
B

November 20, 2001
12:04 pm
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Molly
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Breath, just do some breathing, it helps everything, I promise. Right now is not a good time to think diaster, just focus on you. There are many factors to consider,and I always suggest the book Relational Rescue by Phil McGraw, it makes you look at you. You mentioned that this is your fourth marriage, so what happened with the other three? Have you done any personal growth regarding your part in the failure of past relationships? Not trying to beat you up here, but usually what ever happened in the beginning, if we don't discover it, we bring into each and every relationship after that, and usually attract the same type of personality. I am my husbands 4th wife, and there are alot of things that he has discovered about him self, and things that I have discovered as well. I am sure that her history comes into play, but you have lived with it for over 6 years, and knew most of who, and how she is.
So, focus on you, keep your self busy, exercise, eat right, and give her some space for right now. When you have learned some things about you and your relationship with her and women, then perhaps counseling, or having her do the work in the book. Of course if it is adultry, all bets are off, but still do the work for you.

November 20, 2001
12:55 pm
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Ladeska
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Dude, like kick yourself! Bend over and kick yourself really, really hard! Why....did you do this - when you "knew" better? You know you knew.... Man, oh man - why do we do these things? I dunno... Sometimes, it does appear that we are more comfortable in pain than out of pain. And this noise about -

"I just keep thinking that with more maturing and compassion on my part she will soften up."

So....are we to assume here that all the responsibility of whether this marriage flies or not rests on your shoulders as to whether or not you can mature or show compassion enough?

That's what you said! So, if it doesn't work out - it's because you failed at doing this, right?

C'mon here, let's be real and look at this right between the eyes. You saddled up this pony here because - you don't want real intimacy either. You're a bright man. You saw the road signs - alot of them even and you ignored them. So, all that any intelligent person can deduct from that is - you want the distance, too, for whatever reason - "you" aren't ready for the supposed healthy relationship. It isn't just her...

You "picked" her. None of this surprises you, you saw it coming. How long will it last? Well, your pain could last for ever I guess. Just depends on how you guys can make your pain work for you. Some people figure it out so that it almost kills you, but not quite....just sort of slowly drains you over time...

I just want you to be honest with yourself here. This is crap and you know it is. But, more than anything - you chose it. That's what you need to look at here and regardless of 4 or 5 strikes out at this - you gotta come to grips with what you are putting into motion here. If you wanted real intimacy - you would have picked someone who was capable of it. But, you didn't. You put yourself on an impossible treadmill that you know - you could never keep up with. You sabotaged the whole thing from beginning to end. So, does this give credence to some tape you've got playing in your head about how unworthy you are? And if so - where did that tape come from and how did it get there and don't you think it's time you took the time - to find out the answers to these questions before you compulsively stick your whole head in the fire next time?? I think so... the time is now.

November 21, 2001
1:21 pm
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lyn
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what about considering couples therapy.. but it sounds to me like that isn't an even an option for her she is cold and perfect in her own mind. I hope you are in some sort of therapy and if you are it's not working you should find someone new and re-evaluate your life..I am trying to learn the error of my ways now so i don't end up continuing my destructive patterns..It sounds like your patterns are not going to change until YOU want them to... Imagine having kids with her, you don't want your children growing up in a household that's cold and heartless. All I can say is THINK!!! Easier said than done believe me i know...

November 25, 2001
7:49 pm
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turnip62us
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Dear newly married,
First of all, please forgive and IGNORE those who offer no better advice than "You're a loser." You're NOT a loser, you're just a bit messed up like the rest of the population of the universe. I can't tell you any statistics, but I CAN say that this doesn't have to end in divorce. My husband and I were the most screwed up couple you ever met. He told me what to wear, say, think, do, everything..... and I did it, without question. There IS hope for every relationship, if you're willing to work on yourself and not her. Start with "you." I got counseling, I read book after book after book. I rocked my husbands boat BIGTIME-- he was infuriated for a long time, but then he realized that I would no longer play the games. He had to live by the new system or leave, because I wasn't going to go back to the old patterns of behavior. He stayed, and we made it. This doesn't mean your wife will stay, but if you've been together 6 years already, I'll bet she will. Some of my favorite books: Anything by Melodie Beattie, of course. "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans, "Love is a Choice," by Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier, and "Changes that Heal," by H. Cloud, I think; I'm not 100% about that last author. Coupled with counseling and a fervent determination to become the person God wanted me to be, I made it out of the cycle, and you can, too. Blessings.

November 25, 2001
10:06 pm
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deshong
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Hi,

I agree with Turnip. Part of the problem is with how you view yourself. What guilt are you carrying which makes you feel like you deserve to be treated wrong? It is like committing suicide or being a marytr. You picked each wife out of a low self esteem.

Ladeska was right, you have been avoiding healthy realtionships and intimacy for someone who cannot love you. Are you scared of succeeding in a realationship with someone healthy? Are you scared that if a healthy person tried to get close to you they would reject you? THink about this also, some people have a deep fear of success.

It takes courage, boldness,faith, personal responsibility and determination to succeed and many many people,(myself included) are scared to succeed and live and be healthy. Like once you get straight A's in school, everyone will know that you really can do it and they will expect you to continue to succeed and get straight A's all the time. So you never do and you get all C's. Most people could not handle that pressure so they live beneath where they should be living. Just something to think about. You can change and it sounds like you do see that you have some issues to work through.

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