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newly heartbroken and found co-dependant
July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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October 13, 2010
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I
have recently found out, my husband of nearly 15 yrs, wants out of
our marriage...over the course of a 5 day stay at a stabilization
unit he was at for trying to commit suicide. He is Bi-polar and
recently discovered that he has congestive heart failure...this
depressed him to the point of the SA. His psych has taken him off
ALL bi-polar meds and has him on valum only (because of his
heart)...NOT WORKING...every time he is off his meds, he goes down
this dark streak. I am tired of the drama and his comstant
"demands" (of being bipolar and us having to deal with mood
swings...walking on egg shells, etc), but I still love him and it
will break my childrens hearts and spirits to have us split. I know
I need to do what I need to to take care of me and my chilren (7,8
and 12), but not enought to end it! talked to a pastor recently
that asked me if I knew what co-dependency was...I knew what he was
getting at.. I said if you look up the word, you'd see my picture.
Still not sure what exactly what it is, but know I am co-dep. tired
of taking care of everyone and not myself...to the point I don't
know how to take care of just me and have fun for me. Always
looking to make someone else's day better or whatever...there is no
one around to do the same for me. okay enough...ready for feed back
and hopefully some in-sight.

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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fantas
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LuckyladyB, Welcome to the site and so sorry for what you are
dealing with. Dealing with people with mental illness can be really
difficult. You need to take care of yourself first, then your
children. Your husband is a grown man, although sick. If he wants
to get out of the marriage, I think you should allow him to knowing
full well that he will come back and beg to return. Such is that
nature of codependency. So make sure you are making a final
decision.

If you are sick of
dealing with the drama, you can sure that your children are as
well. They may love their father but they might really appreciate a
peaceful home.

Have you
considered going into counseling yourself? I think it would help
you greatly. The books codependent no more and women who love too
much might be useful as well.

Keep posting, you
are definitely not alone. Many of us have danced the codependent
dance a few times until the pain was too much to bear and therefore
we sought help in search of a new way of living.

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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spiritchild
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my
job is not to tell people what to do--in fact i usually just help
them see what they already know...kids have a bounce back unlike
most adults they are only as strong thru (taking a break) as we
allow them to be.Most good parents want to protect their children,
even when thinking bout (taking a break) or divorce-truth in that
is---this--- if this is effecting you, your children will pick up
on it, energy travels along way--or they will see the results by
action or reaction from the parents.. kids are amazing they
understand whats going on far more than we sometimes give them
credit for--some times in our realtion ships be it friends or
family--we need to step back and see why we loved the person in the
first place-- (a break ) sometimes is needed to do that) and thats
ok --the most important thing ---is the kids thru it all is not
used as tools--that they are constantly reminded the absent parent
still loves and misses them very much and encouraged to see and
call--this will help secure the kids --knowing that they have not
lost a parent but have gained some time to heal as a family
unit--my dear friend..co-D is something that you must fix --with in
your self--rember you in all this for only the true way for you to
take care of your children is for you to be healthy place with in
your self, other wise your children will grow to see this it can
impact their lives as adults...i wish u much love and
light

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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Thanks for your input. I am okay with making the decision to
let him go , and have suggested seperation instead of divorce to
give us a chance at a future...if there is one. I know he has many
issues he needs to face and get through, as I need to learn to take
care of myself and my kids...MYSELF first! :).

I know the kids
will bouce back and they have already seen how much less tension
there is in the home when he is away (he tried to commit suicide a
couple weeks ago...but he "doesn't need bi-polar meds...hmmm...) I
think he is just feeling sorry for himself for his newly diagnosed
condition...thinks he has a short life ahead of himself...so wants
to go out living fun and fancy free!!!

I need to start
another thread...about a wife who's husband is going on dating
sites to look at pictures and trying to get dates with women...even
though he was still "happy" with me. or we can just continue on
this one. He said he has a problem and he needs help, but hasn't
been going to his Celebration Recovery meetings. I need to find one
closer to our home to attend for help with that... I don't think he
really wants it to end, like spiritchild said...he'll come begging
back...but another situation I'd like some feedback
on...

We recently got
into a section 8 housing due to my waiting on disability and his
not working... we just moved in and now he's unhappy and wants
out... BUT HE WANTS ME TO LEAVE. I don't feel comfortable leaving
my children with him and WON'T... but why should I leave, when HE
is the one who wants out? You would think he would want his kids to
be taken care of. but again, he doesn't think he can work. I have a
brain tumor, which is stable for now, but affects some of my
memory, balance, etc and I'm waiting disability. I could work part
time somewhere and am willing to, but NOT to support him...I do
enough of that already... THOUGHTS?

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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And
the reason you don't want to divorce him is....?

- Ma

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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Still
love him...We have never really "worked" on this marriage together.
Think if he is left to his own devices, he will figure out whether
or not he does want OUT or if he just needs to be alone for awhile.
Make sensae or just another excuse.

Have known him
since college...24 yrs, and been together almost 17 with 15 yr annv
coming up. A long time to just flush down the toilet.

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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A
great book for you to check out would be CODEPENDENT NO MORE BY
Melody Beattie. You (like so many of us here on the threads) may
find yourself in the easy-read pages.

Let's go over some
of the data you shared:

- He doesn't work.
Hence, he does not provide for you OR his 3 children. (Great role
model for the kids, eh?)

- He has a serious
mental illness (bipolarity) for which he refuses to take support
medication. Fun to live around, eh? (Again, more great role
modeling for the kids.)

- He is
unfaithful. He is tinkering with other women, while claiming to
"love" you. Sure. You're his meal ticket, maid and sex provider (at
the moment, anyway).

- He is
untrustworthy. Where there is no trust, there can be no TRUE
intimacy (and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about true
companionship, closeness and communication.)

- He wants YOU to
leave the apartment which YOUR disability qualified you for? Can we
say "selfish???" Where I come from, selfishness is the OPPOSITE of
love. Love gives sacrificially. So, if you are remaining with this
man because you think he LOVES you, think again. He NEEDS you. He
USES you. He betrays, lies to and mistreats you. That is NOT
love.

If possible, seek
private counseling to understand why you have hooked up with such a
toxic partner...and fear leaving him.

If you cannot
afford it, at least check out some local CODA meetings. They are
free and they provide support, dialogue and encouragement to those
of us who are codependent and/or have toxic
spouses/partners.

- Ma

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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P.S.
Take his phone away. Or at least disconnect it. He can't be
trusted. Do something about it. (I am assuming the phone is in your
name, since he is gleefully unemployed.)

- Ma

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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atalose
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LuckyLadyB

What NEED does
this man fill for you? What did he do for you that you perceived to
be a NEED?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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P.P.S. Your children are entitled to a peaceful home
atmosphere. Are they getting that with him around? I can tell you
the damage a suicidal father can do to kids. My late husband put my
sons through that. They have NEVER fully recovered from the
damage.

I would vote for
getting him out for the sake of the children, not just for your own
well-being and sanity.

- Ma

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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StronginHiim - You know...sometimes you just need a kick in the
head... You have made some very valid cases. And I wish I had
INternet at home so I could print this off as a reminder of what I
don't have. I AM better off without him and I need to get my kids
out of the toxic relationship I am in. ATALOSE-He is like a DRUG to
me... I guess...I am fine when I am away from him and making
decision to go on without him and all, but once in his presence, I
melt and "long" for what I "need" which I am not getting. He did
give me 3 beautiful children, which he helps with a little, but not
as much as he used to. Ma-I have been denied my second time for
disability and waiting for the hearing...tired of waiting and need
new attorney's. So I'm not on disability yet. And have had some bad
thoughts about asking to go through with a surgery to get rid of
the tumor, which would kind of be like suicide; just to get away
from this , and knowing my kids could be raised by my parents in a
loving christian home. Like I said earlier, my thought process
sometimes needs help, but I would do anything for them, even
sacrifice my self. I grew up okay...just got into 2 toxic
relationships. -if I could just get him out, I know I would be
okay. -

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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LuckyLadyB,

I can relate to
some of the things you have mentioned.

My ex-h was
diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Major Depressive Disorder after we had
been married for 6 years of marriage. The 3+ years following that
turned into a nightmare. He had always been a little verbally and
emotionally abusive prior to that, but following his diagnoses, he
became musch worse. Then the abuse turned sexual, financial, and
physical.

He, too, was out
of work a great deal after he was diagnosed. I worked 2 jobs to
keep our heads above water, but it did not do any good. He did not
take his meds like he was supposed to. He went on shopping sprees.
He then stole my identity and opened accounts in my name and
charged a bunch of stuff. He would hide or shred the mail before I
came home from work, so that I would not see the bills. when the
collectors started calling, I didn't know what they were talking
about.

It did not matter
if I had the phone, and other stuff in my name. He would take my
debit card from my wallet in the middle of the night when I was
sleeping and buy stuff on-line, and then put the card back in my
wallet. I would not realize my account was overdrawn until I tried
to pay a bill or buy gas or groceries. He took checks out from the
middle of the checkbook and forged my signature to cash the checks.
After a while, it did not matter if I tried to keep everything in
my name and take his name off of stuff. After he stole my identity,
he ran all my credit to the max and then some.

He did not like
taking his meds, because people with Bi-Polar often like being on
that manic "high" rather than the "low". when he was "low", he was
suicidal. When I would tell him we did not have extra money for
stuff, he would get mad and say that when I come home from work, I
will find him dead in the house, because he would kill himself and
it would be my fault.

He was constantly
on the internet, chatting with people. I found him looking at porn.
After a while, he did not care if I happened to find him looking at
porn or chatting with other women. He no longer tried to hide it.
He also had a gambling addiction.

He tried to kill
me twice, for life insurance money, he told me. I guess I was worth
more dead to him than alive. I felt so trapped. There were times
that I did not want to go home from work to have to deal with him
and his constant rage against me. There was a brigde across a river
that I had to cross to get to the highway on my way home. There
were times I thought to myself that if I drove off the brigde and
crashed in the river, I would not have to wait till I got home for
him to beat me or yell at me. I wouldn't have to go home. I felt
that trapped.

He left me one day
when I was at work. I found out he had been cheating on me, telling
this other woman that I was "no good", a f-b, a nag, lazy,
good-for-nothing. He packed up his car and left with no note, no
good-bye, no phone call. He took all of the money out of our bank
account when he left. He diverted all of the money for the mortage
payments to gamble and let the house foreclose. he forged the
signatures on 2 car titles and sold or traded the cars for gambling
money.

I was left
homeless and had to go to court to be evicted. By the grace of God
and some very good-hearted friends and co-workers, I was able to
move into a rental house before I was put in the street.

After he did all
of that, he decided he wanted to "come home". He said he would take
his meds and he would change his ways. Shortly after he said he
wanted to come back, I was hospitalized for a brain injury. I had
fallen out of a truck and landed 3-4 ft. on the pavement onto my
head. I could not speak in full sentences, I could not walk
steadily, I could not remember a lot of stuff. I needed someone to
drive me everywhere. I could not go back to work right away. I had
2 seizures. I could not sleep and had constant
headaches.

He never came back
to help me. He kept telling me that he "loved" me and he would "do
anything for" me. He told me I was "the best wife he ever had". (he
was married once before me, that I know of). Actions speak louder
than words.

I was married to
him for 12 years and knew him for 1 1/2 years before we married. We
did not live together before we married. It took me nearly 2 years
to divorce him because he insisted on fighting it all of the way
thru, when he was the one who "wanted out" and made sure he ruined
me in every way possible before he took off.

I first thought,
like you, that we should separate first, and not divorce right
away. This was also because he kept making new promises again and
giving me false hopes. That just prolonged the inevitable. There
comes a point in life where enough is enough.

Time does not
change behavior. People are pretty much like they are, like they
always have been. I have found that most people do not change their
ways unless something causes them some type of strong internal
motivation.

If I had taken him
back, if I had not divorced, I honestly believe that I would not be
here to write you this. I think back on how close I came, that he
would have followed thru on killing me, just to have more money to
throw around.

Now, my life is
really good. Not perfect, but much better than it had been. I am
still struggling with fixing my credit. It will be a while before
that foreclosure comes off my credit record. But I am now going to
school, my health is much better. I still have memory problems and
I still struggle a little bit with processing and comprehension,
but I have been able to drive again and I exercise and stay active,
which helps with my muscle coordination and motor
skills.

I am now in a
really good relationship with a truly awesome guy. He is very
considerate, kind and patient. He never raises his voice to me.
I've never seen him show anger toward me, and he listens to me when
I tell him about my dreams and goals. He never shows frustration
toward me if I can't remember things or if I forget what I am
talking about. We have not said "I love you" yet to each other, but
by his actions, he is very loving and caring. When I do something
nice for him, he always tells me he appreciates it, and he tries to
help me as much as he can. He helps me with my homework and he is
always interested in my studies.

You never know
what waits for you in your future if you cut yourself short from
possibilities. If I had stayed with my ex-h out of loyalty, and
what I thought was love, I would not have the life that I am living
now. I would have still been living that nightmare.

When people make a
bad money investment, they know when to cut loose and take a loss.
Investments in relationships should not be any different. Just
because you have been with someone for a long time, it does not
mean you should continue, if it not benefitting you. I know
marriage is supposed to be for life. I was very serious about my
marriage vows, and I hated to divorce, but I knew I had to do it to
save my life. You have to ask yourself, at what cost? Is your life
worth less than his, that you would give up your life for
him?

When it was
intended for husbands and wives to stay together for life, it was
with the idea that they would take care of each other and live
their lives together until the end, not for one to destroy the
other.

Ask yourself if
this is the life you want, if you continue to stay with him. If you
do not put yourself and your children first, he will not step up
and do it. He has gotten used to you doing all the sacrificing. He
has taken you for granted. If he truly appreciated you, he would
take responsibility to help himself, to get well, take his meds
like he is supposed to, and do his best to take care of you and
your children. Until he is willing to do all of these things, the
situation will continue as it has. I have seen all of this through
in my own situation, it is so similar.

He is a grown man.
He is responsible for himself. Your children need mothering, not
him. I think that deep inside your heart, you know the answers. All
of these things he is doing, makes it too dificult for you to
respect him. You cannot truly love someone if you do not respect
them. It took me a while to realize that my marriage was over much
sooner than when it actually ended. It was over long before he
actually left. I had so much resentment toward him for the way he
treated me, since I knew deep down inside that I did not deserve
the way he treated me. Not only did I feel like he totally betrayed
me, I felt that I had betrayed myself, and it took me a long time
to forgive myself for that.

Best of luck to
you. I know you willl make the right choice.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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Chinadoll- Thank you for your story...I am at the library
reading and crying up a storm at how I can feel your pain. I know
what you have experienced. I know what has to be done and Thank you
for your words. We don't have anything, although he has been taking
money we borrowed from an Uncle to buy in to those dating websites.
When one of them refunded the money, I immediately took the money
out of the ATM for use for the kids and I. Have some money coming
back from U-haul the first of Aug, I plan on doing the same thing.
Glad we don't have bank account any more...that would be ruined as
well. -I know what I have to do...but I am biding my time and
looking at what I need to do to keep my kids in their rightul home.
Looking to local resources. I WISH he would just leave. I say
seperation, because I KNOW that there IS hope out there and that
some people CAN be helped. I have a lot of prayer on my side and I
feel His Spirit and Guidence and tonight, I plan on going to my
first Celebration Recovery meeting! I am looking out for me for the
first time in a LONG time. That is a 1st step for me. - The one
thing I do worry about, is being alone (without a mate) for the
rest of my life. I don't want to be alone and I think this is part
of why I haven't done anything sooner. But now, I can't do it any
more. I see what you say about driving off the bridge. Isn't that
scary to feel that is the "easier" way out. But then I think of my
kids and they keep me strong and keeping on... Another thing that
has kept me strong is this thread...link whatever. Hearing people
to encourage me (before I start my meetings and start looking for
COCA meetings) is hearing from you guys. Thanks for your support
and I will keep you updated as we go along.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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wazz
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Hello
Lucky...

I have just cut
and pasted your own words from another thread:

'Waiting for him
to slip up and just wish he would threaten to leave, so I could be
rid of him.'

And there it is in
black and white.

We have to take
responsibility for our own lives. Waiting for him to give you the
excuse (he's already done that in spades) is not taking
responsibility. You have also said the same thing above - I WISH he
would just leave. Maybe he won't. Then what? Can you honestly go on
the way you are?

If you want my
story, I abbreviated it in my thread 'a happy ending'. It took 9
years, but I love having my self respect back - despite any other
circumstances I may find myself in, at least I'm not at my ex's
beck and call any more. And Lucky, I nearly died. (I think I wanted
to). Don't worry about being alone - you aren't, even if you don't
have that special partner, there are wonderful people in the
world.

You're right, your
kids will keep you going strong. Be proud of yourself and they will
be too.

All
love.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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Thanks for your story...and I AM trying to work through this...
or at least I think I am. I have a brain tumor...and sometimes
speak things wrong...(type things wrong)...I meant that I wish he
would just leave...versus the other ladies husband threatening to
leave and her begging him to stay. My husband threatened to leave
before, but I begged... I know what I mean, sometimes they just
don't come out right... it is frustrating.

I did read your
story and I am glad you got out of your relationship and cut the
cord clean. part of me would like to go back to work, but I don't
want to support HIM. I haven't worked since my middle child was
born and then I was pregnant again...(they are 18 months apart).
Said I would go to work when my son started school full time, then
when that happened, I had my diagnosis. Can't do several jobs I'd
like, and I don't communicate well with people when in certain
situations. Like I can have mornal, "hi! how ya doing" type conv.,
but when questioned on things or have to use my brain to bring
things up, I can't do it. part of the problem with the tumor. don't
want to flip fries, and might stumble into the vat if I were to do
it, and mess up change if I were cashier. hmmm...should be
something out there for me! As I stated, I am going to a meeting
tonight and maybe those ladies can help me get on a track to where
I can get where i need to go. WAZZ-thanks for keeping me in line. I
NEED THIS!

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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wazz
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Lovely Lucky, I am so so sorry to hear about your tumour and
cannot relate to that, only to say that you have more than enough
on your plate with that and must think of YOURSELF and your
children, not this man who is distracting you from the real deal.
Lots of love.

July 26, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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okay...this is for MA...you seem to be a good christian
woman...or in some of what you say...

I don't believe in
divorce...and think there is ALWAYS hope for people to change. I
know that my husband IS A VERY GOOD man...deep inside, when he is
following God and has Jesus in his heart. it's just not there right
now. I don't want the divorce because I know he will come back from
where he is eventually and we can go back to being a wonderful
family. I am trusting in God to direct me to what to do, but I
don't want to do too much in my own hands and mess up HIS plans...
understand? I need to seek our pastors counsel...both of us
do.

I am thinking of
myself and my children...I am thinking I can do this on my own if I
have to, but I also know some other things in my mind that I need
to overcome and I am woeking on it by starting the Celebration
REcovery class I just started on recovering from being co-dependant
and recoverying from feeling like It is my fault he does wha t he
does.

I know it sounds
like I am talking out of both sides of my a$$, but I am NOT...this
is just how devoded I am. ??? make sense? Thanks

July 26, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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*UPDATE* I should have posted this one first...we had a very
good weekend. I sat down with my daughter who was feeling sorry for
herself and wishing she hadn't ever been born...lousy at doing
everything (just because I said the dishes weren't done yet... 12
yr olds!) and sat there and went through just how much our family
has gone through this past 4-5 months...from having to move from a
2000 sq ft home to an apt, moving, husbands heart problems, (during
our move...causing problems with already stressful move) to his
suicide attempt to my 8 yr old daughters concussion. We have
endured a lot these past few months and so much stress it's
unbeleiveable we are even still intact. or that I still have any
hair left... Her daddy sat down, in her face and explained again,
that his SA had NOTHING to do with her and how sorry he was and he
can't imagine what it has done to her and he doesn't expect
forgiveness...he just needs her to know it wasnt her fault. We
ended up having a very good, PEACEFUL weekend. She goes away to
camp this week and little ones have VBS evens this week, which we
will be a part of. Things are looking up...I still dont' know what
exactly I am doing and I am still looking upward for guidance in
everything I do.

July 26, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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*UPDATE* I should have posted this one first...we had a very
good weekend. I sat down with my daughter who was feeling sorry for
herself and wishing she hadn't ever been born...lousy at doing
everything (just because I said the dishes weren't done yet... 12
yr olds!) and sat there and went through just how much our family
has gone through this past 4-5 months...from having to move from a
2000 sq ft home to an apt, moving, husbands heart problems, (during
our move...causing problems with already stressful move) to his
suicide attempt to my 8 yr old daughters concussion. We have
endured a lot these past few months and so much stress it's
unbeleiveable we are even still intact. or that I still have any
hair left... Her daddy sat down, in her face and explained again,
that his SA had NOTHING to do with her and how sorry he was and he
can't imagine what it has done to her and he doesn't expect
forgiveness...he just needs her to know it wasnt her fault. We
ended up having a very good, PEACEFUL weekend. She goes away to
camp this week and little ones have VBS evens this week, which we
will be a part of. Things are looking up...I still dont' know what
exactly I am doing and I am still looking upward for guidance in
everything I do.

July 26, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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I
appreciate what you have shared and respect your position. Although
I cannot discuss the "spiritual" aspect on this thread (Site Rules
require that religion can only be discussed on the "Liberation
Brew" side), I do understand what you are saying.

This doesn't mean
I am in agreement, but I do respect your choice.

- Ma
Strong

July 28, 2010
12:00 am
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LuckyLadyB
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Does
anyone know if there is a Bi-polar link around here...or support
link? I want to know if you can be codependant FREE and still be
supportive of a bi-polar person. See...I know,once he is through
this cycle, things will be back to where they were.

July 28, 2010
12:00 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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I am
certainly not an expert, but I have an opinion about that.
Codependency is not a disease... it's a pattern of behaviors that
are learned over time. So you can change those behaviors and live a
happier and more fulfilled life. Bipolar disorder is an illness, at
least as I understand it. It has a biological basis, just like
cancer or diabetes. A healthy human being can be supportive of
someone with a disease, but it's very difficult, and times get
hard. Couple that with there not being a physical manifestation of
the disease, and it gets murkier. It's much more straight forward
to care for someone who is violently ill from chemo than it is to
deal with someone who forgot to take his meds, or is refusing them,
or had a particularly bad bout with the therapist that week and is
being an ogre to the family.

To really be
supportive and still stay healthy, it would take someone with
amazing strength and courage. Just like knowing to expect that a
loved one will experience hair loss when going through chemo,
someone supporting someone with BDP has to know and expect the
downsides of the disease. You wouldn't take it personally if your
loved one's hair fell out, right? But if your loved one rants at
you or starts to act irrationally or says horrible things to you,
how do you know when it's an attack and when it's just an effect of
the disease and not to take it personally?

There are lots of
couples out there where one person has BPD, and they make it work.
But it takes commitment and much hard work, and sometimes it's just
not worth the fight. At some point, you need to do what is best and
healthiest for you and your child, and sometimes that means
stepping back from person who is ill and is inflicting harm on you
and your child.

Again, I'm no
expert, but I hope that things get better for you, no matter which
path you choose.

July 28, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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As a
post script, can you obtain professional pediatric counseling to
help your daughter process address her father's suicide attempt?
Better to get her the help she needs now, than to have it
undermining her peace and healthy development for years to come.
Much as I respect your husband's willingness to sit down and have a
chat with her about it, that does NOT "fix" things for her. She is
a child and she has witnessed a traumatic (and frightening) adult
behavior.

She needs
professional support.

- Ma
Strong

July 29, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
oboto, I agree with a lot of what you stated to LuckyLadyB. I would
like to add something, however, for the sake of a slight
correction, to lessen any confusion.

I’m not an expert,
either, but I am studying psychology, and have had to learn the
difference between certain mental disorders. The abbreviation “BPD”
that you mentioned is actually the clinical abbreviation for
Borderline Personality Disorder, and not Bi-Polar Disorder. The two
disorders are very, very different.

Borderline
Personality Disorder is a personality disorder that is very
difficult to treat and manage, and Bi-Polar Disorder is a mood
disorder commonly treated with medication and therapy.

Borderline
Personality Disorder is usually the result of severe childhood
abuse and trauma, and Bi-Polar Disorder is something that is not
clear to me what causes Bi-polar, but it is known that if a
first-degree relative has mental illness, it is more likely that it
can be inherited, especially if that relative suffered from
Depression.

I didn't mean to
give a class, but I did not want others who had not been following
along from the start to think that LuckyLadyB's husband has
Borderline, and give their thoughts based on that.

I actually started
to get confused as I was reading it, and then had to remember that
he has Bi-Polar.

July 29, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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LuckyLadyB, Bi-Polar disorder used to be called
Manic-Depression. The clinical name is "bi-polar" for the two
polarities.

With Bi-Polar,
there is a distinct "manic" episode, and a distinct "depression"
episode. These episodes can last for days or weeks at a
time.

In Bi-Polar I,
there is at least one occurrence of a major depressive episode,
with Bi-Polar II, there are recurring depressive
episodes.

When in the
"manic" state, a person will be very impulsive. They have insomnia
and can stay up for days at a time without any sleep. They might do
compulsive things like excessive shopping or gambling. They engage
in risky, reckless behavior, such as high-speed erratic driving or
indiscriminately having sex with many partners in a short time.
They are giddy, in an unusually happy mood that is almost
questionable. They are the "life of the party" at this
time.

When in the
"depression" state, a person can become suicidal, just as your
husband tried to attempt suicide. They are so down that they don't
want to go to work or even get out of bed. They might sleep for
excessive hours of the day and still feel tired. They have no
pleasure in activities they once enjoyed. They are the total
"Debbie Downer"--opposite of the "life of the party" they might
have been just a few days before. It is a sudden and drastic
change.

I know of no
support groups or “links” for families who are looking for help or
information. When I was married to my ex-h, I asked his therapist
for help, and she allowed me to sit in during his counseling
sessions, but after a while, it did no good, because he refused to
talk.

It is important
that he attends counseling and takes the meds. The meds alone or
counseling alone will not manage it. It is difficult to sit back
and watch someone destroy themselves. My ex-h was on and off the
meds, kept cancelling his therapy appointments. For someone with
Bi-Polar, they like the "high" they feel during the "manic" state.
The meds keep them "even".

I applaud you for
your hope, and desire to remain positive. But as you know, I lived
thru many “cycles” of my ex-h’s Bi-Polar episodes. I hate to dash
your hopes, but unless your husband is TOTALLY committed to
controlling his illness, there are going to be many of these
“cycles”. This is a life-long mental illness. A person does not
just become “okay” after they are on meds for a while and are not
showing any signs or symptoms, or that once they have an episode,
it’s no longer a problem. You will need to accept that he will
never be the person that you knew before. Things will NEVER be back
to how they were before.

I don’t mean to
sound harsh. I lived thru 4 years of my ex-h’s erratic behavior
before he left, and that was just from the time he was diagnosed.
He had not been acting right prior to that, but I did not realize
exactly what it was. I am sure he could have had the Bi-Polar for a
lot longer, and I just was not aware of it.

I have a really
good and close friend who has Bi-Polar. She was in denial at first,
and things between her and her husband were very difficult for
years. They argued constantly. He was totally frustrated. After
some time, when she accepted it, she began to take her meds like
she was supposed to. She read books on Bi-Polar so that she could
educate herself on her illness. She was able to work for a while at
a retail job, and she and her husband have a daughter who is about
13 now. She is doing quite well, but the bottom line is that she
stays on her meds, and she is totally committed and responsible for
managing her illness.

So there is hope.
But more often than not, people with bi-polar (and other types of
mental illness) will abuse substances as a form of
"self-medication". Their brain chemistry is unbalanced, and many
times, they believe that they are "fine" once their prescribed
medications have stabilized them, and that they don't need the meds
anymore. Then they start to feel unbalanced and will use drugs or
alcohol instead. They might not like the side effects of their
prescription meds. One apparent side effect is weight gain. So,
they go off the meds to keep from gaining, at least this is how
they think. My ex-h would often go on and off his meds. I always
knew when he was not on them, as his behavior would change
drastically.

After a while, it
was so exhausting. I did not have the strength or the energy to
constantly be after him to be sure that he took his meds. I had a
hard time dealing with his depressed moods. His moods would rub off
on me. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. We became
more like roommates, where I would just be there to look after him,
sharing the same living space. He was no longer like a husband. We
were no longer intimate (never mind that he was cheating on me and
looking at porn, tho’). I felt more like his mother than his wife,
trying to “take care” of him all the time.

It depends on what
you mean by supportive. If you are able to emotionally detach
yourself when he is in a manic or depressive episode, and are able
to not take it personally when he goes into a raging fit or when he
is calling you and the kids names…if you are able to not be
affected when he gets so depressed, that he cries for hours and
says he would rather die.

For me, it was not
worth sacrificing myself. I know that sounds very bad, but when I
was living thru that, I barely had a life. I was a shell of myself.
I no longer had any emotions. I was like a robot. He sucked my soul
out of me. I was dead on the inside.

I don’t see how
you can not be co-dependent in this type of situation…unless, like
I said, he is totally willing to take full responsibility for his
illness, and not blame you when something does not go right, and
does not make you feel guilty if you don’t do everything for
him.

I understand that
you want to make this work. But for me, it was absolute H-E-double
hockey sticks. It was a total nightmare.

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