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July 21, 2004
8:18 pm
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Josie S.
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Hello,

How did I get here? I guess alot of you have asked the same question. I'm going on almost 8 years of codependency. 8 years of my life with an alcoholic. I hate it. I hate myself. Mostly, I hate him. That doesn't seem right.... How can I hate him when I stay in the relationship, enable his alcoholism and make all the "bad" things go away????? I sometimes wish that I could just tap my heels and make him go away. I promise I won't get in the same situation again.....

Then reality hits......... I have to do the work and I don't want to. I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to inflict pain on anyone. But, somehow it's okay for him to inflict pain on me. This is just crazy.

I am tired as I'm sure many of you can relate. I live a lie to the outside world. Yes, we're a happy couple.... Comfortable in life makeing great money - LIE. If I had a penny for every tear I'd be a millionaire.

Pray for me. Please keep posting. The more I read the more I see myself in every post. It may actually be helping....Having the ability to relate and find out that I'm not the only one. I may not be going crazy after all.

Good night and thanks for listening to me ramble.

July 21, 2004
8:38 pm
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Molly
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one day we get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. We realize that facing our fear and doing it any way, is easier, than one more day of not living our dreams, what ever they are. We get out of the blame mode, and realize that we have freedom, the power of choice. We learn that being alone is better than being lonely. We realize that love isn't mabe what we thought it was, or what out partner agreed to, and it isn't supposed to hurt. We learn to be different, and what ever we were taught to accept isn't maybe what is healthy for us, and we learn to make healthier choices. We take responsibility for what is, what we choose, and examine the choices more carefully. We learn that if we don't care about us, why the heck should any one else, and learn to live for us. No guts no glory, feel the fear and do it any way.........

July 22, 2004
12:14 am
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CAMER
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Josie S....welcome!!! i too was involved with an alcoholic for 3 1/2 years. And I did alot of enabling and thinking that I can help him, and thinking my love will save him from drinking. It doesn't work that way. I went thru alot of the pain you went thru, promising to dump him if he drank again, and I still always went back to him. I guess I felt that if I left him, his world would be shattered. We did truely love eachother, but love was not enough. I was living a life of lies also, telling everyone things are
"great* with us...and at times they were, but with him being an active alocholic, my life was always as if i was walking on eggshells and being afraid not to trigger his drinking.

I do hope you attend some Coda meetings or Al anon meetings, they have been very helpful to me, and for once I realized "I am not alone*, I thought at one point I was the only girl out there dealing with someone who drank then promised to quit, then drank again...etc.

You are so not alone, please feel free to vent or share on this wonderful website!!
====camer

July 22, 2004
8:08 am
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amiok
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Josie,
Molly's comments are right on target. I to was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It's almost like we hit "rock bottom" as does the alcoholic. You definitely are not crazy. I too dated a man for 8 years, on and off, more off because I knew the relationship was not what I really wanted or deserved. I kept "settling". Why I don't know. I guess I had to put myself through all this emotional trauma to get it. Remember, we do have CHOICES. If you do not have any children, I would consider taking some time away from the relationship. If you believe in God or a Higher Power, pray everyday. Ask him to show you his will. I will pray for you.

July 22, 2004
11:04 am
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Josie S.
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Thank you all for your replies. I hope that one day I will finally be disgusted enough to do what I know that I need to do. It's just such a sticky situation - we co-own a business together - we're not married thank God but still it'll be a messy dissolve.

Anyway, thanks for the support. It made me feel good that people took the time to read my post and had big enough hearts to write a few words of encouragement.

Have a good day.

July 22, 2004
11:04 am
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Josie S.
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Thank you all for your replies. I hope that one day I will finally be disgusted enough to do what I know that I need to do. It's just such a sticky situation - we co-own a business together - we're not married thank God but still it'll be a messy dissolve.

Anyway, thanks for the support. It made me feel good that people took the time to read my post and had big enough hearts to write a few words of encouragement.

Have a good day.

July 22, 2004
11:08 am
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fairy99
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Welcome Josie

You do get fed u p at some point. The human heart and mind can only take so much before they break. We all to oftenwant to help our loved one with a problem they have and we never realize that we can't fix them no matter how hard we try. Your husband has to come to terms with the fact he has a problem and he has to take that first step to getting well. He has to put life in the right order, and if he can't then you have to decide what you want from it. I it hard to walk away from someone you love, but if they won't help themselves, and you know you can'r help, then what do you have left? I'm keeping you in my prayers. Good luck sweetie.

July 23, 2004
12:28 am
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lonelygirl
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hey Josie---I was involved with an alcholic for over a year, until I discovered he was cheating on me which he tired to lie his way out of. He has been in and out of my life for the past year which makes things hard. He is a charmer which is a wonderful trait alcholics have...I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Amyhow, like I said he's been in my life for the past year, still with the girl he cheated on me with but looks to me to feed his ego and enable him. I stopped taking the calls. He is not only an alcoholic, but also a cocaine abuser...he is with someone that will allow him to lead his life and she does the same. I can't save this man, my love never made his stop and never will, nor the girl he is currently with. I got really tired of the lies, the manipulation, the matyer act, the bullcrap from him. He is a great guy, but someone else can babysit him...

2 weeks ago I was on a date with this really handsome and smart man. He is attending grad school, owns his own business and is very ambitious...anyhow, my ex came walking in and sat 4 feet from where this man and I were seated. I was talking to my date and quickly looked over at my ex who was downing yagermyster shots with his friend, they had 6 lined up on the bar (he showed up drunk at 10pm...and driving for the night) Anyhow, I looked back at my date and whipped out the most incredible smile. I remember thinking, wow, even if this guy and I don't work out...this is what's out there for me...this is a real man...not the 32 year old guy sitting at the bar drunk off of yager shots (which is all he drinks) and coked-up. I really felt sorry for him, my heart went out to him...yet I was never so happy that this man cheated on me. That girl has him, she can have the prize...I realized that night that he was not a prize. I wish him well, I can't continue to be taken down a road which hits a wall everytime....my guy is also the king of charmers, especially when he's drunk. If I ever run into him sober, he barely speakes to me and is uncomfortable, when he's drunk (and I've run into him on the same night), totally different guy, loving, flirting, throws out his lines...is this what you really want for yourself and perhaps your children one day????I don't! Good luck to you...I'm sure he loves you but isn;t this too much work????

August 11, 2004
12:11 am
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Jane Photo
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I have a question....how do I know if someone has posted a reply to my post? The website doesn't have my email address to notify me.... Sorry, have been in a well organized support group for stroke survivors....and just expected a similar experience here...no offense intended just confused. I'm a woman of many questions.

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