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newbie sharing story
June 13, 2006
1:29 pm
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pacs
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I'm new here.Found this board by accident and from what I have read,I am glad I did.
here is my story:
I am 37 have been 7 years to my husband who is 31. I am feeling like there is nothing left to my marriage. I do love him, but that is all. We hardly ever have sex anymore and when we do, its just a quick one. No passion, no intimacy and I can't wait for it to be over. There is no attraction sexually to him no matter how hard I have tried to "set the mood" I just can't get into it.
I think I am still in this relationship because i worry about him and how my leaving will affect him..more than doing what is right for ME. I am also petrified at leavcing. We have no children, we dont own the house we live in, so the split would not be as difficult.
One minute I think leaving is the right thing to do..the next I am changing my mind. Friends have said "do what is right n your heart, only you know the answer"..but truthfully..I dont know the RIGHT answer is.
Maybe I'm just comfortable in this life we have..and fear keeps me. I dont hate him, hes a nice guy, but our relationship feels dead. We're more like friends than husband and wife.

June 13, 2006
1:35 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Pacs and welcome to the site.

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the way of advice...but I wonder if it is possible to revive the "spark" in your marriage.

Relationships are hard and they take alot of work. In my opinion....the grass is NOT greener on the other side.

Of course it is your decision to make and obviously I don't know your whole story.... But if you love him and he is a good guy and treats you well, I would suggest talking honestly with him and perhaps with a little effort on the part of both of you....you can bring that "passion" back.

Good luck,
Lolli

June 13, 2006
1:43 pm
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pacs
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For the past 7 years I have tried EVERYTHING.
He shows up and lives life. I do all the work, pay bills,plan trips, clean house..etc.

Its not about reviving passion. I feel like a mother and maid instead of a wife.

I know a decision has to be made and executed on my part, but I just can't seem to follow through

June 13, 2006
1:49 pm
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lollipop3
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Pacs,

As I said, I don't know your whole story so I was baseing my suggestion on assumption.

If you feel that you have tried everything and don't want to or feel you can't try more than it seems you have already made your decision.

I know that ending relationships is hard and the ambivilence you are feeling is normal.

I believe you will follow through when you are ready. In the meantime perhaps you could try taking the focus off the relationship (and any impending decisions) and try to focus your energy on the life you would like to have for yourself. Take up new hobbies/interests, take some classes, make new friends in a different social circle, etc. etc.

By doing things for yourself perhaps that will help to make your choice more clear...one way or the other.

Lolli

June 13, 2006
1:51 pm
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readyforachange
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Hi, pacs...glad you are here.

Just wondering, does your husband know how you feel? Have you talked to him? Maybe the two of you could try counseling, or just talking about the things that are bothering you. The passion is gone, but it could be found again...was it ever there?

This isn't an easy decision...I was married for 17 years, 2 kids, to an abusive alcoholic....it took me almost 10 years to make the decision to divorce him. I don't envy you this decision, but it is much easier when children are not involved.

Keep posting here, you'll get lots of feedback from people in similar situations.....

June 13, 2006
1:58 pm
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ggfred4
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I have been married for 26 1/2 years and there have been around 5 times I considered leaving very seriously. I felt the same way. It was because of the kids and I knew that I loved him were the reasons I stayed. I don't feel worthy to give advice, but I do know marriage is a rollercoaster ride for some of us. I felt he liked me but wasn't in love with me. We lacked true communication. Now that our last child is leaving home, he is now turning on the charm and being the man I married. The more he gives, the more I want to give back. I actually look forward to seeing him everyday which is new. Now, I am glad I stayed. We have a lot of history together and no, we don't have the movie romance life. But, he is a good man and father.
I think since you are not sure, you shouldn't leave but try to communicate with him your feelings. What is the worst thing that could happen?

June 13, 2006
2:04 pm
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pacs
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We tried marriage counseling in the past. It never worked,the counselors always took my side.lol

I have told him how I feel, he knows that our marriage is pretty empty.
Aside from the passion..which to me is the least thing I am tired of living without..my husband and I have nothing really in common. At first we thought "opposites attract".We were wrong. As the years progress, I mature, my tastes change..he remains juvenile and has no responsibilities but to work,watch tv, drink beer, play soccer.

Honestly I think we should have never married. I rushed into it afraid that I would never get married.
I really believe that both of us would have a better happier life apart than together. When I ask him what does he want. He said he wants to stay married.But he never thinks of the reasons why. Is it because we've been in this for 7 years and its comfortable? I know he loves me. I love him too, but I need more, I am not happy.(and I'm not talking about sex here..)

I would love for one moment for someone to take care of me, instead it always being on my shoulders.

June 13, 2006
3:49 pm
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taj64
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Trial separation? It could either wake him up to change or not. It could help you understand your decision better since you are confusion. Taking a long break from each other (without getting involved with anyone else) would help both of you to see what it is that you really want. It is a thought anyway. You can always get back together if both of you agree.

June 13, 2006
3:53 pm
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gofigure
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Hey pacs--there is a book I picked up almost two years ago called "Too Bad to Stay...Too Good to Leave" (or the other way around, I forget--I also can't remember the author). BUT--I was having a lot of troubles with my relationship and was very unhappy--it was for me a really good tool to try to look objectively at my marriage and help me sort out the "deal-breakers". Of course over the next two years we tried counseling (we stopped because he thought the counselor was on my side--sound familiar), romantic evenings, whatever. I moved out with my two daughters nearly 4 months ago, and while it has been tough and scary, for me it has been worth it. My husband too is very needy and guilt-provoking and hurting him was almost the last thing I wanted to do. But I decided my happiness counted for something as did my daughters, so that's my abridged story. Anyway, I do recommend this book and hope you can find some insight from it too.

~go

June 13, 2006
3:56 pm
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ggfred4
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I think taj has a good suggestion. He does seem comfortable with the marriage. Maybe separation will be a wakeup call for him and maybe will give you some space and less responsibilities. Maybe this time will help you to think. Good luck and let us know because I will be thinking about you.

June 13, 2006
3:58 pm
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taj64
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yeah I read that one too and I feel that would definately help you a lot. It is must read for anyone that is in a troubled relationship or even for a person that is not in a relationship at all. It is the hard core truth as well, or at least what i felt was truth. The book also help me to see my role in an unhealthy relationship as I was hanging on to something that was not worth saving.

June 13, 2006
4:12 pm
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pacs
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Thanks everyone for your input.
taj64: I had my things packed for a trial separtion and even booked a hotel room, but I chickened out.
I wish my decision making stuck..I always back down...and start to feel bad for him.
I'm looking at an apartment tomorrow night,a gf's father owns it and is willing to rent it with no lease...knowing I may not stay long.I wish I wasnt the one in the relationship that had to decide all of this.I know that sounds weird, but I would just like him to grow up and SERIOUSLY look at our relationship.

I will definitely check out the book gofigure- thanks for recommending it.
Not looking forward to the next few days...and having to tell him once again, that I am leaving.

June 13, 2006
4:16 pm
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taj64
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it might be of help if you also seek counseling just for yourself instead of just joint. Someone that can help you with the major decision since you are still confused. Don't make a major decision based on emotion, that is what I was told a long time ago. And this is major decision though very emotional one. You have to really know in your heart of hearts and Im not quite sure you are 100% sure. Some men do grow up, some do not, but the person needs to be willing to change and that part you must come to terms with. It is hard isn't it? Don't rush into a decision until your emotions are in tact.

June 13, 2006
4:22 pm
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pacs
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Believe me this isnt a rushed decision.
It has been 7 years in the making. All of the complaints I had 6 years ago or so..are still here now. Nothing ever changes, and if it does,it doesnt stay that way for long.

If I didnt love him or if he was a jerk to me than this would probably be alot easier, maybe thats why I sound so unsure.

This boy will never grow up..and I'm tired of being a mother to a 31 year old husband.

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