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Newbe wants to know: How do you find where it all started?
June 19, 2006
11:30 pm
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2findpeece
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Hi everyone I was wondering if anyone has any ideas for how or when we learned certain behaviors. How do you find that critical moment from and then how do you dismantle it?

I was diagnosed as mildy bi-polar a few years ago and have done a lot of work on myself but keep bumping into a wall when it comes to rejection and abandonment.

Thanks for any suggestions or comments.

ps. I should mention that I am falling into a depression again and haven't had the *high for a long time from the BP. Kinda want one...they weren't all *that bad!

June 19, 2006
11:45 pm
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Jenni
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Hi, 2FP, and welcome!

I found where it had all started, by journaling. I wrote out my life, and all the changes that took place, so I could pin it.

My big change was when I was a young teen, and moved to a new state. It was during Jr. High. I went from having many friends, and being outgoing and active, to the new kid on the block and feeling like an outcast. I grew very insecure, and that's when I pulled inward within myself.

Anyway, that's a place to start, if you're interested, just by writing it all out, along with your feelings. I kind of did mine in a 3rd person sense, as if it was my innerself, speaking to the outerself.

Good Luck...

Jen

June 20, 2006
12:08 am
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2findpeece
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Hi Jenni,

Thanks for responding. I too did a lot of journaling about 2 years ago in which i had some major *Ahhaa moments but I've missed something.

Also for the moment I am feeling like I need contact with people and this forum seems like a good place to start. I have been feeling really low and trapped.

I had forgotten about journaling maybe I will try it again.

I think I've typed my story in here 3 times already and ended up deleting it each time!

maybe one day....;-/

Thanks again
2findPeece

June 20, 2006
12:15 am
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Jenni
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Well, maybe you could start journaling again, only in a little more detail. Sometimes, we have to dig deep to the root.

And whenever you feel you're ready to post your story, we are here. I think it's very healthy and brave for you to reach out to others, and seek some insight. So whenever you're comfortable, feel free!

(((2FP)))

Jen

June 20, 2006
10:45 am
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2findpeece
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Thanks (((Jen))) I was feeling soo low today. Your response lifted me enough to start thinking about what to do.
2findpeece

June 20, 2006
10:59 am
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ggfred4
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Hey,
I too tried journaling, but am petrified that I might die and someone would find it. I guess I don't like myself and don't want my family to know that. I try to be the "great mom". I usually write, then throw away.
Oh, one thing that helped me. I have typed out quite a few poems, mostly depressing, which helped me. I keep them in a secret file at work w/o my name on them. I date them. This has helped.
Sorry you are feeling low today; so am I which is why I went to this site today.

June 20, 2006
11:15 am
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2findpeece
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Hi ggfred4

We do seem to be going through some similar things right now! I have been thinking of throwing away all my old journals as well because of the exact same reason. Most of the really toxic one i burnt. I went through doing poetry ,haiku to be exact, which was good because it forces you to condence your thoughts into 5-7-5 syllables per line. It makes you think of what you *really want to say.
Seems I can't get the energy to *do anything that use to help right now. That's why I'm on this site now to.
I'm also a co-dep...a mildly bi-polar co-dep.....hummm what a combo...all these terms and sometimes people just call it a mid life crisis.
Thought I'd been through all that 39 so going back again to see how far the "root" goes is not what I had planned. I know it can only help me to be stronger but BBBLLLLAAAHHHHH I hate this process!

((((Thanks gg))))

June 20, 2006
12:07 pm
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ggfred4
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Sound similar; people around me think I am going through the mid life thing also. I just started this site about 3 weeks ago; started counseling (2 visits); reading books on sexual abuse and codependency....
feel rejected by people who know my story, think I am too needy and don't know how to deal with it....READY TO QUIT ALL OF THIS SO CALLED PROGRESS...getting nowhere....
just so low today

June 20, 2006
12:44 pm
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2findpeece
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It's been really good to talk to you today gg.
It is a long hard road and kids are a good incentive to keep going aren't they. My 11 year old heard that someone committed suicide once and he said " that's so selfish" he was so sad for the kids that were left. I nearly choked on my coffee 'cause I didn't want him to know how often I'd thought about it.
Noway would I do it but the despair is intense at times.
Good on 'ya for going to counseling! The first five sessions are the worst. Opens up all kinds of worm cans! I wish i had stuck with it but, I went the diy way and now I'm wondering if it wouldn't have been quicker in counseling.
Ditto on the friend thing. Spouse is tired of talking about it and wants me to "pull up my socks" kind of thing...and friends have their own stuff right now or are the kind that we talked about on another thread.
What are the books?
(((gg)))
love, prayers and warm thoughts
2findpeece

June 20, 2006
1:03 pm
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I want to pinpoint my mother's death when Iwas 17. That was when I sort of "woke up" out of childhood out of necessity and changed behavior patterns. So Jen's idea of finding specifics is good. But BEFORE that, I was experiencing relationships without specifics and learning boundaries and give and take, etc.

2find,

Interesting that you feel the need to journal, but the necessity of secrecy and fear of ?consequences? if all your feelings were known. Better to present it in more conventionally acceptable poetry -- not a judgement, just an observation.

I've been getting rid of some journalng lately. I think the stuff I am learning about myself is great, but the "toxicity" would not benefit anyone else šŸ™‚

How needy is "too needy"? GG, we are all so needy of one another. It's OK. Just when I think I have absolutely nothing or no more to give, I find more. Hearing 2find or you say you just don't have any more energy for it....and yet you've still typed a few words. It will be OK. Your good feelings will come back.

June 20, 2006
2:02 pm
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2findpeece
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Hi Brynnie,
Everyone in my household knows I journal at times and know where they are so it's not really secret. But a friend of mine died unexpectedly a few years ago and her husband asked for help from a few of us to clear out things (he was moving) and *all her stuff was there. I know I didn't breech that confientiality (didn't read it) but I don't know if anyone else did. It's like you said :

"I think the stuff I am learning about myself is great, but the "toxicity" would not benefit anyone else šŸ™‚ "

It's just private that's all. The poetry I don't know about...I started it with a friend of mine that got into haiku. I can take it or leave it really, I would rather do crafts!
Thanks for the input I will think more about the "fear of consquences" that you raised that is raising some flags.
2findpeece

June 20, 2006
2:07 pm
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ggfred4
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2find,
The books I am trying to get through are Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. The latter is great, it is like someone else knows you.

June 20, 2006
2:18 pm
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2findpeece
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Thanks for the book titles ((ggfred4)) I don't know what time zone you are in but if it's day I hope for you sunshine and butterflies and love!
It's night here and I'm going to bed...
2findpeece

June 20, 2006
2:29 pm
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ggfred4
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wow, I am in the central time zone so it's after lunch.

June 21, 2006
3:03 am
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Maybe....
I've not been very consistent about this, but I think I'd like to catch myself when I get that sudden "shut-down" feeling of depression and want to just be alone and remember the exact thought that preceded the feeling.

That's what my long ramble was about on another thread early today. I was really trying to identify the trigger for wanting to cry -- and I think it was hearing my son express the same hurtful betrayal from his dad that I used to feel and not understand.

So, maybe that is what I should be journalling about -- documenting the triggers for the feelings and identifying what behavior I react to.

I think in a psychiatrist's office you'd be paying $150/hr and hearing "And how did that make you feel?"

June 21, 2006
11:37 am
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2findpeece
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LOL Brynnie!
"I think in a psychiatrist's office you'd be paying $150/hr and hearing "And how did that make you feel?"

Yea, I have been trying to find trigger points to depression as well, tracing the feeling back to when it started. My 13 year old daughter is really good at triggering them that's for sure!

I can identify with what you are saying about your son expressing feelings of betrayal. Kids teach us sooo much don't they? When we are willing to learn. Mine have been showing me some things recently in how they deal with their dad. Some things that I let slide they just say "NO that's not right!"

I would never have spoken to my dad like that, but then I might not have the problems I do now if I did.

I'll be thinking of you. Thanks so much for your insights.

2findpeece

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