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newbe..think i may be co-dependent..
May 25, 2005
12:19 am
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amora27
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my husband and i have recently seperated, and i have been attending a 12 step recovery group. some ppl. have been talking about co-dependency. make a long story short. well, i got online and read co-dependency literature, and realized i may be co-dependent. i seem to be happy when my hubby calls or is nice or shows interest. i seem to be sad if he is rude or disinterested. it's like i'm depending on him to make me happy. i'm always thinking about the marriage and what i can do to make it better. i won't share my feelings b-cuz i want to keep the peace. i tend to think about the relationship all the time. i won't ask him to do stuff b-cuz i'm afraid of rejection. i tend to focus on what needs to change in his life for the marriage to be better. i have isolated myself.

i think i drove him away. kindof feel guilty about that. i drove him away b-cuz i need my own life. i emeshed myself totally in him. he didn't force me i just did it. As i write this it's embarassing. i definitely want to change. i don't want to depend totally on a person for happiness, love, or peace of mind.

i need to focus on myself. i need to heal. he has his own issues and that's up to him to fix not me!!

so be straight up!! let me know... i need assertive communication

May 25, 2005
5:58 am
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CODA_Mom
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Hi amora27,

Welcome, and I think that you've come to the right place. What you've described in your own life is so typical of codependent behavior...living your life thru another, hating confrontation, moods depend on their moods or addictive behaviors, people-pleasing...yep, all the signs are there.

For starters, you may want to purchase a copy of Melodie Beatty's book, "Codependent No More", which helps to confront codependent behavior and gives insight into how to think in gray areas (vs. "black and white", "all or nothing").

You may also want to think about attending "CODA" meetings in your area, or if you grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent, to look into ACOA ("Adult Children of Alcoholics").

I would like to suggest that thinking about how to make your marriage better is not a bad thing, in fact, it is to be commended. One of the most important things you can do for your marriage, however, is to focus on your behavior and needs to be sure they are healthy for yourself. In turn, your spouse will be affected, whether in a good or a bad way. We cannot fix or change others around us, we can only fix or change ourselves. Change is powerful, though, and others cannot help but be affected.

You will find a lot of support and help from others here. There are many differing insights and backgrounds, but we are all here to help one another.

Regards,

CM

May 25, 2005
9:08 am
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CAMER
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welcome!! and yes there are some good books out there to read another one is by Robin Norwood "Women who love too much". Also if you log onto http://WWW.CODA.ORG the site will give you listings for Coda meetings in your area.

Keep coming back here & sharing & reading & know that you are not alone!

(((Camer)))

May 31, 2005
2:39 pm
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fuhgeddabowdit
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It is absolutely amazing to see that someone else feels the way I do. I am actually ashamed to admit that I may be co-dependent. But the more I read, the more I realize that I have adopted several co-dependent behaviors.

To be frank, I think that it's a bit better now, than before. But I can recall always letting my mate's mood influence my own. I constantly would silently reassure myself that whatever mood he was in, was his problem. If I could help, fine. But I couldn't let his bad mood sway me.

I've often been afraid to say when I didn't like something, for fear of upsetting the peace in the house. I like things smooth sailing. And when they weren't, I'd silently blame myself for letting things spiral out of control. Recently, I've been focusing on releasing passive-aggressive behavior. For instance, we were sitting around one day, and he did something that made me rather mad. Instead of telling him (politely or otherwise), I left the room in a silent huff, and gave him the silent treatment. NOT GOOD! After some time, I thought about it, and realized that it wasn't fair to myself or to him, to treat him like that. I apologized for my behavior, and then went on to tell him what he did that made me feel so crummy. It was as simple as communication.

I am realizing that even someone with codependent tendencies can learn to change. As long as the person that you're with is open and willing to communicate with you, all things are possible.

I am really glad that I found this website. I know that addressing my own needs is going to be a continuous conscious struggle. The good part is that I seem to be involved with someone who encourages that.

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