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December 28, 2003
4:07 pm
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wigirlfedup
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Hello everyone, I'm new to this site! my counselor told me to check out the internet for codependency so here i am.
Not to sure if i'm co-dependant, but from reading these threads i see that i am!

I am married, about 9 months now, and my husband is a changed man! He wanted to get married like RIGHT NOW!(so we did)
We have been on and off again for 3 years and have a 1 1/2 year old son. We got "back togehter" and were married less than 6 months later. Sometimes I wonder why he wanted to marry me so fast, but all he tells me is that he loves me, thats why!
Anyway to make a long story short-- he's 5 years younger than me and he drinks, not all the time so of course to him he has no problem. But when he does he blacks out and drinks to the point that he can't stand up. Alot has happened to us this year, and he's not abusive, but he has changed!
He's not as loving as before, not as caring, just alittle different i guess.
My question is, is it me? is my codependency making him like this, or is it just the stress of all that has happened to us this year?

December 28, 2003
10:45 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi wigirlfedup,

You being co-dependent is not causing him to do anything. His drinking is adding to your being co-dependent.

Have you thought about finding a sitter, the two of you going some where (where he cannot order booze, so it might have to be a fast food place), and asking him right out what the story is?

Zinnie

December 29, 2003
12:51 am
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wigirlfedup
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Yep i have tried everything!!!
He always has something more important to do, ex. hunting, sleeping, since he works alot.
I understand that he is stressed out also, but when i ask him what do you want to do he says "get drunk"
thats always the case. He tells me that i nag at him all of the time, but his past history of going out when he is supposed to be at work and stuff like that makes me not trust him.
I know that i should be understanding of him working so much, and i know that he is under alot of stress, but there is not a good pattern here and he doesn't think that he has a problem when everyone knows he does. I think that even he knows but he will not admit it, so i don't bring it up---let me put it to you this way--he is 22 with 3 dui's 1 major accident that almost killed his cousin and thats just within 3 years (1 per year) so all in all i've tried, but like i said he has made promises he doesn't keep and he has changed since we got married--really changed!!! thanks for the help! wow there is alot of info also on this site--keep in touch please

December 29, 2003
1:01 am
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gingerleigh
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Sorry, that is a lot to go through. Unfortunately, your husband won't change his patterns until he has hit rock bottom, and rock bottom is different for every one. One thing I'm sure your counselor is instructing you on how to make sure that your husband takes responsibility for his actions without jeopardizing you and your child. Please keep that in mind, if you enable him by doing things like calling in to work for him when he is hung over or things like that, you are helping him stay where he is. He is an adult, and will need to realize where he is and that he needs help on his own. No matter how much of super woman you are, you can't do it for him. Again, these are all things I'm sure you know.

How are you coping? What keeps you busy? What makes you happy? Do you have any hobbies? Do you have any friends or family to talk to? You sound remarkably level-headed and mature. Do you have any outlets?

December 29, 2003
6:25 pm
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sosos
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I hear you making excuses for him, much like his own excuses and the ones I heard for literally years from my ex husband. Like, stress, working alot, etc. Well, you know what I told him? I work, I'm stressed, I take care of the kids, household and everything else, and I'm not drunk every free moment. He's making a choice, and basically so are you. I worry with that dui record, so much affects you. Your safety, your child's safety, your car insurance, your home, etc. I agree with Gingerleigh, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. I used to call in for my ex all the time because he said I'm his wife, it's what I was supposed to do. I finally said one day, look-it's your job, I'm not your mother calling you off sick from school, do it yourself!
My ex did work alot, so I was always "excusing" him. My family would ask, why doesn't he cut the grass, or take out the garbage, or take the kids where they need to go, or cook, or clean, etc. Oh, because he works so much, he's tired I would say. NO, the alcohol and oxycontin is what made his eyes roll back in his head, and sleep for hours on the couch. I will tell you that everyone referred me to Al-anon, you should go and see if this helps you. I just hurt so bad when I hear young couples starting down a path I traveled for so long, that just got increasingly worse. I know all stories are not the same as mine, I TRULY believe there are people that will change if they want to. You just can't make that happen for him. God Bless

December 30, 2003
12:39 am
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wigirlfedup
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Hi everyone!
thanks for all the support!
well to answer gingerleigh's questions, i really don't have much of anyone! My sister-in-law (his sister) is on my side and tries to help me, but then again she is his sister and family comes first no matter what. I also have my sister and my best friend which he doesn't like either one of them, but i guess that doesn't suprise any of you right?
My outlet is my counseling, i've tried to get him to go to marriage counseling, but of course thats just silly stuff to him.
New years is comming up and of course new years eve, we were invited with the kids( i also have a 7 year old from a previous marriage, who has chosen this year to live with her dad)to his sisters, but thats not good enough! my babysitter canceled, which is probably good since i would have just been driving his drunk self around anyway. So we'll see what happens from there. 2004 is a new year and after all i have been through this year (2003) i can only HOPE for the best.
You would think that after being married before i would have known what to look for but he is totally different than before we got married!!
My ex-husband would just cheat on me and stay out all night and i gave up on that right away, my daughter was not goping to see me go through that, but this time i am really trying to make this marriage work, but i don't know if i have any strength left!
Thank you all-God bless-Please keep in touch

December 30, 2003
5:44 pm
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Molly
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I found that due to the failure of my first marriage, and the discovery of all the shoulda woulda coulda's, that I held on to the second, "trying to make this marriage work". My lesson, was that "I" can't make a marriage work. It takes "WE"

December 30, 2003
6:00 pm
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Zinnie
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You wrote:

"but his past history of going out when he is supposed to be at work and stuff like that makes me not trust him. I know that i should be understanding of him working so much"

So, what you caught him in a lie, and now he wants to trust you? Sadly, like all have said you cannot make an alcoholic quit drinking, but you can change your reaction to it. I would definitely consider Al-Anon, it does help - it will help you cope with him and your reaction to him. But, it will not change him.

Him having three DUI's? Sorry, will not get one word of sympathy there. My daughter was killed in 11/2002 by a drunk driver - who had five or more DUI's. What happened, well, he got a short jail sentence. But my daughter? She is gone and her daughter will never know her Mother because she was killed when she was not quite two.

Good luck.

Zinnie

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